You hate me for all the wrong reasons.
You don't even know the real story.
You're a puppet on a string,
and you can't think.

Just listen to me when I say this:
you've got the wrong information.
I didn't cause any harm.
I wasn't the source of the poems.
She found them on her own.
I do take the fault for the one poem that was about her,
but that was the only one.

Keep believing the lies that you have been told.
It's not a big deal.
I don't have to prove myself to you,
or make you believe me.

This is just a bump in the road for me,
losing you and all.

I won't be visiting your high school this year,
or years to come.
The last time you saw me is the last you'll ever see of me again.

I'm on a journey that I wish you could be apart of,
but things don't always work out that way.
I'm trying to find peace and happiness,
but that cannot be acheived just yet.

So this is a second goodbye.
I hope you get your facts straight,
realize I'm not as horrible as you think I am.
I'm the same me.

My eyelids are heavy,
and my lips are ******.
It must be a sign I have a broken heart.

You're gone,
and I'm not sure how to cope.

I can't cut,
nor can I drink the pain away.

I just sit here trying to erase what is left of you.

I have a wave of nostalgia over me.
I'm finally remembering.

When we first became friends. You walked into english class and sat right next to me.

The first time I slept at your house, and you convinced me to wear a dress, but I didn't know how to put it on. You helped me in with no problem.

And that time I spent the night at your house. We read in bed together, and fell asleep. I woke up really thirsty and went to your kitchen to get some water, and you walked in very confused. We both laughed and went back to bed.

All those nights I spent in your arms.

How I loved when you would write poems about me,
and how I waited for them.

I pretended to not like you, because liking Zoe was so much easier.

I remember thinking I couldn't kiss you, because I didn't want to treat you the way your step-brother did.

When you bought me the infinity ring (which I still wear) and the ring that says "I refuse to sink."

When my wrist was filled with ****** cuts, you pulled me into the bathroom and kissed them. I held back tears.

I'm remembering,
but you're forgetting.

You're nothing.

2. The piece of my heart you stole has been regenerated.

3. You cease to exist.

4. You didn't make an impact on me.

5. I never loved you.

6. You were the part of me that I despised.

7. Now that you're gone, I'm swimming in self-love.

She threw me away like
the day old tea bag that sat on her counter.

Did I ever mean anything to her?

She got rid of me so easily,
so quick.
      --was it easy for her to block me?

I'm sure it was.
She acted like I never meant anything,
that I was't an impact on her.

But just like that,
she blocked me out of her life.

Just.
Like.
*That.

I cannot see anymore.

"I wanna smash the faces,
of those beautiful boys,
those christian boys."

I can now see
that you've forgotten about me.

I've been getting attached to useless boys,
falling in love as each day goes by.
I'm not true to myself anymore.
I'm lost,
and I don't know if I want to be found.

I USE TO WAKE UP WITH BLOODSTAINED SHEETS AND A SMILE ON MY FACE BECAUSE I REMEMBER THINKING "YOU DID WELL" BUT I GUESS I'VE REALIZED THERE'S MORE I SHOULD BE PROUD OF THAN SELF DESTRUCTION.

Who is she?

--You know, the girl that showed you love. The girl that touched you in ways hands couldn't. The girl who showed you that you have a life to live.

Who?

--The girl with the brown eyes and brown hair. The one with the smile that could end wars.

I have no idea who you're talking about.

--I can't believe you've forgotten.

Tell me about her.

--She was the one who showed you the light. She showed you that you were worth nothing but all the love in the world. She had these brown eyes. They were like tiny universes. Her hair, oh, it was wavy like the water at the beach. Oh, and she had this voice that even the Muses envied. Her smile…it was etched in your mind for so long, how have you forgotten?

She seems so lovely. I don't know I could have possibly forgotten her.

--Oh, how lovely she was. Do you want to know how you forgot her?

Yes, of course.

--She was erased, just like that, over one stupid thing. You lost her oh so long ago, but now she's gone. She ceases to exist..as far as you're concerned.

Is there anyway to get her back?
       
--Probably not.

I know I should hate you,
despise you,
loathe you.




…but I don't.
I love you and always will.
This is a good thing,
you blocking me and everything.

I can take a weight off my shoulders,
make it feel like I never knew you.

The burns from where you touched me are gone.
The scar you left on my heart has faded.
The impression that you left in my mind has vanished.

I've moved on and showed myself there's more to live for.
So, I think this is my last goodbye to you.
Not a proper one,
and probably one you will forget.
But as you said, we're on separate journeys,
and I guess it's time I live mine.

I simply cannot speak to you.
Maybe it's not so simple, actually.
It's the thought of your smell.
I'm trying not to recall your smile.
I might have to ****** myself so I don't ponder over those things.
Your voice.
Your eyes.
My thoughts are cramped,
killing me by the second.
Tick, tock.
Tick, tock.
Soon I'll be dead.

I've reread your message for days,
but I don't think I can bring myself to reply.

You wrote a poem over a year ago, and posted it a few weeks after I was going to **** myself.
You said "I feel like life wouldn't go on without her here."

Well, thinking about it,
I'm not here.

We're in separate worlds,
and you're doing just fine.

See?
If I would've taken all those pills and never woken up,
you would be living, breathing, and moving on.

I'm nothing anymore.

Lover-nature she told me.
Love the universe as your lover,
not your mother.

I hated myself for what happened to us.
I always blamed myself.
I reminded myself daily that I was the reason you're gone.

But I'm starting to question;
maybe it wasn't me after all.

I believe everything happens for a reason.
Maybe we weren't meant to be together any longer,
maybe it wasn't meant to be.

If there's a god out there they would know what's right.
They would've not torn us apart.

She did not complete me, (simply because I complete myself),
but she gave me an outlet.
She gave me a light on the other side.
I would look at the smile on her face and think, "all of this is worth it."

But she's gone.
She's smiling at another,
drowning herself in love.
I'm okay with that.
I'm happy for her.
She deserves to be happy.

But
I just need one answer.

Why wasn't she happy with me?

Please,
get over yourself :)

I dyed my hair so that I do not resemble my father anymore.

This isn't fun anymore.

I just wanna **** his ****.

I FELT LIKE I DIDNT HAVE THE RIGHT TO WANT TO PUT MY ARMS AROUND YOU AND TELL YOU YOURE HOME AND I DONT KNOW WHY BUT I CANT SAY IT OUT LOUD AND I NEED TO GET OVER MYSELF AND MOVE ON

I remember that day i wept into your arms.
im not sure why i did,
but i cried and cried.
i think it was because i wanted to **** myself.

a reason why i didn't go through with it is because i didn't want to have to live in a world without you.
well, i have to now.
i live in a separate wold than you,
and that was one of my biggest fears,
and now i have to face it.

I can't sleep.
It's because of you.

The back of my eyelids can't seem to forget you.
I fell asleep that night,
drunk as can be.
I had a dream about you,
the way it use to be;
the way it should be.

When I woke up I ran to the bathroom and threw up last nights party.
I gagged and gagged and tried to get rid of the thought of you.
But it's not just something I can throw up.

It's not easy living without you.

When will it be over?
--the pain I mean.

Waking up without you in my bed,
that's probably the hardest part.
Not being able to smell your scent on my pillow.
Not being able to see your morning beauty.

What am I doing with myself?
--Living in the past.

Ya know,
I often yell at myself to wake up.

"Skylar wake up.
Skylar wake the **** up.
This isn't a ******* game.
She's gone and now it's just you and your thought.
Wakeup.Wakeup.Wakeup."

I don't wake up.
I sit there in my everyday mind set,
and I just can't rid the thought that I have to live without you.

It's been a year.
A year that we seperated.
I can't shake the truth.
One whole year.
Over 365 days without you.

I just want to snap and you be here beside me.
It's not that easy, I guess.
--I'm talking about loving someone.

You're irreplaceable.
No one,
no one in the ******* world could make up for what part you played in my life.
You helped me figure things out,
realize that I am loved.

I think I've realized that all I need in this world is your love.
--Well, I guess that means I don't have what I need.

I'm happy for you.
You're suppose to move on,
find another.
I know this is selfish,
but what about ME?

What am I saying?
It could never happen.
You're in a world I have no part in.
A world where the grass is green and the sun shines bright on your future.
--a future I'm not a part of.

It's not your fault, I know.

You met me at a wrong time in my life.
A time where the darkness was my only friend.
I was,
well I was ****** up.
I was sick.

Only if you would have met me a year later.
I'm brighter.
--especially in the daylight.

Maybe meeting me later would have made a difference.
Who knows?

Maybe it's for the best we're apart.
I wasn't healthy,
and you weren't either.
We were two negatives trying to make a positive.

Bottom line is:
I wish I was yours.

I'm trying to not forget you,
but I can't remember the things we talked about.
I can't recall what we watched or listened to on those late nights.
I don't remember how your hands felt through my hair,
and I don't remember what your skin felt like against mine.

All I remember is how you loved me,
how you often said it.
I never said it back.
Why?
    

I was afraid.
Afraid of what could happen to us,
afraid of my parents,
afraid of loving you.

I loved you.
I loved you with my everything.
I had another,
but I wanted you.

I craved you more than a druggie craved a needle poking into their arm.
I craved you more than a cutter craved their blade.

I remember thinking I couldn't kiss you.
        --I couldn't take advantage of you the way your step-brother did.
But, oh,
how I wanted to grab you and throw you up against the wall and share my breath with you.

Honestly,
I wanted your love.
I had it,
and you had mine.
        --You just didn't know it.

You will always have my heart.
I am no longer afraid.
I'm just a little bit late.

I don't care anymore,
or maybe it's that I care way too much.
If I didn't care I wouldn't get so angry over meaningless things.
           --and by meaningless…I mean meaningful things.
Why is it that I say I don't care?
           --when in actuality I care a lot.
           --I care about that girl,
             and the girl,
             and the other girl.

But who is it I want the most to care about?

That's a funny question, because I don't care about any of them.
            --But wait, I care.
No I don't I care about nothing.
            --I care about too many things.

If it is that I care about nothing,
nothing is something.
And sometimes something is everything…..Right?

If I cared I would't constantly say, "I don't care."
         --Yes I would.


















I do care.

**** my parents and all they stand for.
**** my mom and the way she acts.
**** her for being who she truly is.
**** her for not being a real mother.
**** her.

**** my dad for who he is.
**** him for leaving.
**** him for choosing crack over me.
**** him for leaving scars on my arms.
**** him

I don't have a father,
can I at least have a mother?

Step 1: Think about the one you miss. Maybe look at a few old pictures or letters they have written to you. Take out the clothes you've taken from them. Look at the ring that they gave to you. This starts the process.

Step 2: Try to message them, then once you try to press send, delete it.

Step 3: Remember them. Remember their smell. Remember their touch. Remember their voice. Remember their love towards you. Remember the little things about them.

Step 4: Think about how happy they are without you. Remind yourself that they don't need or want you anymore.

Step 5: If you're not dead by this step, try to erase any memory of them. Burn their pictures. Erase their contact. Block them. Unfollow them. Delete them from your life.

You promised me forever.

When did forever become never?

You don't try to keep in contact.
All I have to think is:
why should I even try?

I've never shaken with fury before.

I finally realized I needed to open up my eyes,
and now I see everything.

She's the love of my life.
From the top of her head,
to the bottoms of her feet.

She's the love of my life,
but not in the way you would think.

She's the love of my life.
She's the light of my day,
and the dark of my night.

She's the love of my life.
She's the water of the tide
and the stars in the sky.

She's the love of my life.
That won't ever change.
I love her with all of my head,
and she knows that.

The moon in the dusk looked at me and whispered everything will be okay.
She told me that time goes on and she will always come back up to comfort me during night.
She looks over me and makes sure I'm well.
She gives me light in my dark mind,
and brightens the dark sky.
"When you're feeling down, come and find me," she said with a grin.
And I replied, "I'll be back again."

What is behind the stars in the dark night sky?
Please don't tell me nothing,
because nothing is something.

Oh, and what is deep beneath the ocean which we cannot see?
Are there mermaids or
maybe whole another universe?

Now tell me,
is happiness truly real or is it something spoken in fairytales?

I have an open mind.
I have a sense of magic that children have in themselves.

Just please tell me:
what happens when I die?

I feel the same way today











**** me.

I should be rotting 6 feet under the ground.
I should be growing into flowers.
I should be dead rather than waiting to die.

If I still feel like this tomorrow:













**** me.

I need a drink or two.
I need to make my feelings burn along with my throat.
Why do I feel this way?

Reminder:
She loved me before her.

It was NOT necessary for those ignorant ******* to protest today.
There was NO need for those graphic signs and mean words.
There were ******* CHILDREN seeing those signs.

People need to get their heads out of their ******* ***** and realize what women do does NOT ******* effect them.
They "****" a ******* FETUS.
A fetus who CAN'T feel anything
because their nerves haven't developed yet.
A fetus is just a bunch of CELLS.

I hate the ignorant part of the human race who think they have ******* control over others.
Get your head out of your ******* *** and realize you are a piece of trash.

It takes energy to love,
and energy cannot be created nor destroyed.
Does it mean that my love for you has always been and always will be?

The thought of her is like a boomerang,
it always comes back.

I KNOW YOU'LL NEVER LOVE ME AGAIN AND MAYBE THAT'S HOW IT'S MEANT TO BE BUT I CANT HELP STAYING UP ALL NIGHT THINKING TO MYSELF "SHE'S THINKING OF ME."

Now that I know how it feels to be in a different mindset,
not think the way I normally would
and do and say what I'm usually afraid to say,
I never want to be sober again.

Being drunk makes me feel numb.
All my feelings finally go away,
and I can barely think.

I don't have the mindset to think
she said this
or
he did that.

I wish I could stay like that forever,
I'd never feel pain again.

Would you rather his hand in your pants,
or my heart in your hands?