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Sjr1000 Jun 2018
I've given up being a martyr
I did it tomorrow or maybe yesterday
I finally found the door
Spending less time outside
More time inside
Figuring out what's next.

The chapters in our lives end
The end of that story
Or
What then?
Athletes never beat time
Hang on in forever?

The day turns into the night
You're waking up again.

The answers come and go

There is identity in being a martyr
Knowing/not knowing
What to do
Who to be
What to give
Giving it all away
Perpetual obligation
Perpetual melancholy
A purpose, a project
Completed?

What then?

We all have empty nests
Broken hearts

Projects inevitably end

Standing, looking into the distance,  hand blocking the sun
Lingering
Wondering
Is there one more thing

Yes there is

Moving on
Saying bye bye
it's time.

Alone again.
Psychologically speaking.
  Jun 2018 Sjr1000
The Masked Sleepyz
My couch,
Is death,
And avoidance is a second language,
Ask me do I speak it?
Conjoined twins,
Of misery and manipulation,
No calls,
Only cushions and customer's custom complaints,
From tomorrow,
The phone wont ring,
So I'll stay down this road,
Listening to headlines and headlights
Sing,
Moody music dwelling,
Where the lies and shame met in between,
Cut the cue, end the scene

The stage has been rebuilt,
We talked like teenagers,
And you told me that I've changed,
But the same,
Still that same number,
No more gap,
But your smile still kills,
Pain with palendromes,
We were here before,
And so again we,
Our fighting saying goodnight,
Street lamps in different cities,
Static.

I'm just fine,
Playing my part,
My mainstream maybe different,
But
Obsession has been overcame,
By the rising tide of a smile,
If the teleprompting signs shine through,
Meanwhiles and meditations
What can I do,
Except hope I'm reading,
The
Right
Script,

The couch,
It asks,
Where have you been?
I set down another,
chip.
Kind of scattered
  Jun 2018 Sjr1000
harlon rivers
I saw the sun steep
into the seascape ―
lonely as a drowning
    wave
         on still-waters

the dimming of the day
rescinding evanescent daylight                                                         ­         .
fading with the slack tide
         lost at sea ―
a gloaming moment
         let fall from
the remains of the day,
like some other passing
sea bird's molted feather
drifts away untamed

I sit silent as the driftwood
lingering at the watermark,
watching a random gust
    erase the footprints
of another recurring day, 
bearing abandoned memories
    and vacant heartbeats,
atrophied in the drifting sands

    and I see you walking
    towards the abating  
    midnight sunset ―
         but I know
    you're just a mirage;    
like the dimming afterglow
of so many waning moons
            elapsed
         
ever-changing tides grow low  
and promises made lightly  
         do ebb away
          
Scanning the distant horizon ―    
    a blindfold heart    
    mooning all at sea;
parsing a deserted shoreline,
    wondering if love
          is too late ,..
    to stem the tide ―


        harlon rivers

      30   May   2018
Note:   apologies for the inconsistent reading, posts and replies.  Internet access comes and goes out here off the grid.   Thank you for taking a look through the words― h.a. rivers

Chronological TRAVELOGUE collection:
9 of some more here; published & unlisted

https://hellopoetry.com/collection/27104/travelogue/
                                                                                                                     .
Sjr1000 Jun 2018
I can't hear
There's a darkness
everywhere

Spinning in circles
Drawing squares in the
air

Confusion reigns
while calmness soothes

Longing for the dawn
at night
Longing for the night
at dawn

Wanting to be alone
when together
Missing you every
second we're apart

At work watching
the clock
At home restless
not knowing what to do

There is a road
that goes
There is a home
that stays
I'm sure there's a way
Never heard them say -
it was easy being
human.
Sjr1000 Jun 2018
Obstacles/Problems/Pain
Contraction or Expansion
Exhaustion or Inspiration

86400 seconds a day
Hmmm, how's it going to be spent?

Difficulties are about what we care about

Our thoughts are a tool
Mind hates to be present
Evolved to keep us safe

My thoughts, my fears, my past experience
pasted to my face
Covering my eyes so they are all I can see,
While my dogs and cats
The fish the birds
they are all laughing at me.

Self is contact
Self is content

Swimming in a sea of thoughts
Emotional weather always changing

Tug of war, to and fro, trying to make the anxiety go

If I spend my 86400 seconds a day
trying to make the pain go away
No time
              to live my life

"Pain is inevitable
Suffering is optional "

Showing up for my awareness

If I'm not living my life
I'm living my fear

Old life
Old values
Living the life I care about now

Compassion for others
Self compassion

Feelings and thoughts are like the weather and
The wind it just blows everywhere.
"Pain is inevitable..." has been attributed to Buddha, however the minimal research I did says he never said that and it appears to be from A.A.
This poem is based on the concepts of Acceptance Commitment Therapy. Many thanks for the language and inspiration to John and Jamie Forsyth.
  May 2018 Sjr1000
harlon rivers
" Don't walk behind me; I may not lead.
Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow.
Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus


                 ~              ~               ~    

The telegraph road circled through the foothills,
rising towards the majestic mountain high
It’s been a long and twisting passage soon forgotten,
with the pavement abruptly dead ending,  
just below the timberline

The dawning blue heavens look so much closer now
Just a step away from standing within reach                                  
The birds uplifted on the telegraph wire rest atop me;
perched on the final material traces
disregarded by a digital world

My awakening soul is ascending beyond
the distant alpine meadow horizon  
At the threshold of an untrodden wilderness wonderland,
climbing up above the meandering clouds

It’s exhilarating to look back and know
there is no turning back around;
I’ve never been higher
and can never get back down

What unknown frontier lies in wait before me now?
Just on the other side of the impossible dream?
The last step forward to find the next step beyond the bounds
There is not that much that changes,
when we just repeat the same old song

The atmosphere’s thin air leaves me gasping for wings
Like dust and ashes free to soar with the tempest breeze
If only time would sever these loathsome ties that bind
The ones that enchain the weight of this load unto me

While understanding the pace to a long journey’s rhythm
The only barometer you have to trust is in your heart
Adaptation is at the core of freedom's survival
But it feels almost like running away  

I have felt the fear of falling with nothing left to lose
I’ve climbed as far as flesh and bones can reach
I've come this far always feeling subtly afraid
It has been a great distance back from the beginning;
knowing I must take these last steps alone.

Understanding it was love that brought me here
Naturally tugs at the spirit in my soul encouraging me on
I'll keep searching for the shining light of guidance
Listening for a voice that softly beckons me home...



written by:    harlon rivers ... May 24th, 2013
Authors notes: a prose prologue;

https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2528189/beyond-majestic-boundsa-prose-prologue-to-beyond-the-telegraph-road/

5/26/2013 Edited to delete the back story:    ...thank you for reading.
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