As the liquor passed down my throat
And my face remained stagnant
I felt a sense of warmth in my chest
It wasn’t just the drink
It was a sense of pride
Maybe I was good at something.
I was really good at not letting go
I clung on and on
All I wanted was to be with you
I knew it was selfish
I also knew it was truth
You were all that mattered
And if something mattered then I mattered
If something stayed then I would stay
If you thought I was good
Maybe I was good at something.

I hate you
You were draped over my couch
In my house
Watching my TV
It’s so easy for you to own everything
But act above it all
For when it comes down to it
You won’t be the one to fall
You take my advice
You occupy my life
You demand the qualities of a wife
You can never do wrong in their eyes
You ask and ask
You push and push
You treat me fondly if theres a means to an end
You never cared for my needs
And when I watch my life reach it’s bend
And the trail curves and I’m stumbling
Stumbling into something richer
Something finer than this old asphalt
You will still be there
In my house
Watching my TV
Owning everything
Except that will mean nothing
And you will mean nothing
You will have nothing except your painful mediocrity
The only living thing to watch you breathe
The only thing you never seemed to see
The only thing that cares if you rise from sleep
The only thing different from your family
Is me
I won’t be there, though
I’ll try not to, at least
I don’t want to watch you seethe as you take what you need
I just wanted to be there for you
I just wanted to be like your family
I’ll see myself out now
But not before I take one thing you own
Not before I can say one thing
I hate you.

Sometimes I embody him

Mirror his malicious mannerisms

Deliver venom via pantomime

Sometimes his shadow looms over me

Sending threats my way

Even when he isn’t there

My conscious knows what to say

I have a purpose
I am something
I am supposed to be here
What will happen when my purpose disappears?
What will happen when I’m no longer ripe?
What will become of me when I’m discarded in the dirt?
Once a blossom
Now I’m nothing more
Nothing more than the hole my purpose once filled
Nothing more than what made me feel real
What once made me feel real is now providing tangibility to another
A girl I never was
A girl you write sonnets about
A girl you would wage war for
A girl that is so effortlessly magic
A girl that you would wait for, no matter how many years passed
A girl that makes you feel real
Why can’t I be her?
Why don’t I make you feel real?
What is my purpose if not to heal?
What is my purpose?
For a brief second, I become real
I become seen
The person across is looking at me
That second is gone
What will happen when my purpose disappears?
How could I win if there’s nothing within?
How could I win when I’m undeserving?
How could I win when I indulge my sins?
How could I win if there’s no purpose I’m serving?
I had a purpose
I was something

It feels as if I can’t escape from their gaze
I’ve been hazed into womanhood
It wasn’t a phase
When I was just a girl my ingenue was used
Treated like something that should be abused
And when I served my purpose to amuse
I would be blown out like a fuse
When I was just a girl I learned how to choose
The choice to behave or die
The choice to live in fear or lie
The choice didn’t come simply
And neither did I
And when I was older I hungered
I starved
I wished and wished for something far greater than myself to take charge
But no one was coming to save me
No one but, I
So I made the choice
The choice to lie
And there I lied
As the gaze crept up on me
And grabbed me all over
And in my head, I whispered “Soon, it will be over.”
And when I served my purpose to amuse
I found myself quite confused
I was no longer the girl I once knew

Servitude
Silence
Surrender
Simply the life I endure
And the legacy I render
I want more
I hunger
I yearn
I crave
My efforts are futile
My want is in vain
His face in front of mine
Disguises the pain
We all start out small and hopeful
Then grow tall and resentful
You end small and resentful
Your thoughts consumed by anyone but yourself