Art doesn’t have to be beautiful,
It can be *****,
Ugly,
Sad,
Malicious,
But it is still beautiful

You’re wondering where I am,
Cuz I’m no longer around,
You try to understand,
Why you never saw the signs,
You say you were once there yourself,
But the fear for me is nowhere here,
Do you even care?

I try to smile,
To laugh,
To work,
But the pain inside is trembling me up in deep
I’m nauseous and want to go hide,
Never to be found,
Alone and at peace,
Forever in my sleep

I don’t want to deal with all the dozen things around,
I want to be able to fly,
Far up in the sky,
Where beauty is all I see and fresh air all I breathe
My air somehow have gotten polluted,
It’s so polluted it suffocates me to the core

The pain was always present,
From a young me untill now,
There have been breaks along the way,
But when it hits,
It hits me bad.
All the memories from the past keep knocking on my brain,
It’s like I struggle with glimpses of exruciating pain,
Memories that never fade, but forgotten in my conciousness
And I can’t unlock my unconciousness

Everything is coming back,
Everything and everyone tears me up inside,
Agony,
And most of it bottles up from my insides
The insides I can’t reach
But that forever holds me captive
I am dead while breathing,
And breathing while I’m dead

Nobody understands,
And I know that is a cliché,
But nobody does because I don’t even,
My life was filled with emotional terror,
The trauma stays with me through my tears,
The anxiety trembles my lips as I can’t seem to see clear
It’s foggy all around
And my feet won’t touch the ground

My emotions are numb,
It’s like I can’t feel
The only thing I feel is my pain that’s so real
It’s vivid and raw,
And nothing can compare
Who do I love if I love one at all?
They say you can’t love someone, before you love yourself,
I guess that’s true,
Cuz I never loved myself at all

It feels like I’m about to *****,
And the devil’s on my door,
I’m ready to take off,
Nothing left for me here no more

sometimes
i wish you were the poet
because sometimes
i just want to be the poem

I'm jealous of who you used to kiss,
Wonder how many you've been with
I'm jealous of who you might look at,
When I'm not there with you...

I'm jealous you'll see,
That I'm not good enough for you,
I'm not even good enough for me...
Maybe you'll then leave me,
Alone and broken in half...

I'm jealous of everyone I find better than me,
Scared I'll never even compare
I'm jealous of girls with confidence,
Something I've lacked from the start
I'm jealous of those fearless girls,
Because I'm filled up with fear
I'm jealous of their success,
Because I'm still way behind,
Where I really want to be...

I don't hate them for it,
I believe they deserve all the good they can get

I'm not jealous and hateful,
I'm jealous and sad,
Jealous and scared,
Jealous and hopeless
Jealous of the life I want,
That I'm so far from
Jealous of it all,
But still stuck to the ground
Jealous and jealous
I'm simply jealous...

Will I ever be pleased?
Will I ever be proud?
Will I ever get my success?

i’m lost
my legs are tired
and the concrete looks like a trampoline
if you throw something hard at an even harder surface, the something does not bounce
it breaks
if i throw my body to the concrete that looks like a trampoline
my bones will shatter
but my soul will only bruise
and that annoys me

You tell me i’m not alone
which i find to be pretty funny because when my thoughts are falling out of my head too quickly for me to catch i’ll look around
and all i see is fragmented thoughts splintered on the ground

i know i drag you down
you say you won’t entertain the thought that my existence is a show put on by lucifer’s angels because i’m just
dramatic
you say
my idleness is the reason why my brain is wasting away
i’m the reason i’m wasting away
if it’s all in my head,
will the pain get better as i get worse?

You tell me
i’m here
and you’ll miss me if i go but when i tell them i’ve been trying to leave for years
You tell me no
i’ve been trying to stay for years
i laugh

You tell me
there’s so much more to live for
smiles and hugs and really dumb jokes
art and literature and art and art and art
and art

one thing art has taught me?
everything dies
everything ends
and humanity’s soul takes a beating every time we try
to erase the existence they’ve worked so hard to create
we could be frail
and throw ourselves to the pavement
the headlines the next morning would read "Another One Bites the Dust" or something

it’s really hard to be positive when you don’t want to be
or remember how to be
when stats of suicide are so frequently reported you wonder if that’s what you’ll become, another statistic
“the percentage of suicides of bisexual, Russian adoptee females has now risen to 1%... this is Fox News reporting”

i’ve heard enough.