You know I told Lana we broke up.

No she said you were ****** though. Astrid was sat
at her desk typing.

Yes I said I'm pretty ****** ******. I sat on the sofa
and hugged a cushion.

For ***** sake I thought you don't even care. Typing away
blissfully ignorant. I just ignored her after that.

You know what I thought I am allowed to be ******. Fo'real I have
every ******* reason to feel hurt by you. Especially after
what you did AGAIN! The typewriter stuck and you flipped the lid
to fix it. I just sat curled up in a ball.

I'm so done with your attitude and all your expectations.
I am allowed to need affection just as much as you do. The cat
jumped on my lap. As I pet his head he purred with
content. At least someone cares I whispered to him.

Just because I am forgiving too **** forgiving.

You finished the last lines. Rolled the paper off and
placed it next to the others. You then started another piece.

I can not believe Astrid is just sat here with nothing to say
to think you are the only one who matters.

And isn't it ******* good that my heart forgives easily I am always
saying that to Lana. Astrid's back is to me as I mutter
under my breath. She doesn't even notice.

I got up and went outside for a ***. The cat followed me as always
my faithful companion I thought. Ugh I was still ******.
I don't know how I trust you but I know I'll stay even though
I told Lana I was leaving  and I'll never tell you that I pinky promised
no more of your drama or your recklessness I thought.
As the cat circled me I blew out smoke rings one for each affair.

Baby I finished she called to me through the window. You wanna pour
us a drink. Of course I replied with a smile.

I was so *******!

  © Sia Jane

You became dust
at the falling of another
biodegradable relationship
I'm kicking up ashes
from a paper urn
decaying beneath
where feet now tread

The Centre of my Universe
in just the palm of one hand
a completed process
no bone fragments
of shards, just ashes

b
   l
     o
   w
n
a
   w
a
y

Our whole world in mere
grains, each part of us
ground into ounce weighing
particles; each a tale of
experiences shared

It was a mourning
a funeral service
without a death, only
grief racing through
my every vein

I'm dressed in black;
veiled
my skirt dragging along
gravel below, I know
as the crow manifests
it's time to let go

cah
cah
cah

Times are to change
a passing of the old
rebirth of
my beloved

Candle light forms
shadows, as night draws
closing in, &
I understand

Life is ephemeral
my appreciation grows
&, as I lift myself to
the temple
I scatter what remains of

us
     us
          us

&, as darkness falls
carried by the crow -
our communicator,
he crosses us from
this world
to the next.

© Sia Jane

Tomorrow night, you’ll sleep walk into your lover’s dreams.
You’ll open the gate to hell, where you’ll find the poor ******
souls of a lost generation. Their lust, recklessness & drunkenness
will come as no shock to you. You’ll find your people trashed;
***** bottles smashed & abandoned, intoxicated girls balanced
on their Jeffrey Campbell Litas floating through social groups.
Boys, barely men, will be seen beaten down to the bare bones
of their existence, cigarette blunts piercing their open chests;
stinging & burning, red & yellow ash sparking flames on
the black lingerie of their lover’s.  

Tomorrow night, you’ll wish you were not sleep walking into
your lover’s dreams. In the days you spend there, you will not
find the lover you know. You’ll find a lover who is invaded
by body snatches; emphatically dominating every white cell.
You’ll find a lover, cast away with the ghosts of his past.
You’ll bear witness to pendulums of excessive desires
swinging to & fro – where time stands still, & not even
the ticking of a clock can be found, to count the days til
the grave he will fly.

© Sia Jane

You raise me from the dead
you ask me why I felt the need to go?
a life so young, a girl so unknown
hid away from the world
until my final breath, took me to
my resting place.

A New Moon hangs low in the sky
reflecting your silhouette in marble stone
as you dig through the night,
whistling your tune
unearthing souls
too fragile for this world

Song birds signal the break of dawn
tides are high, crashing to the shore
another morning whispers your prayers
you hear my ghost
you know I'm near
you ask of me to show myself
you long to see my face

As I appear,
once frozen glaciers melt
down your cheeks
like streams on a mountain

Your eyes are cleansed
loss & solitude evaporate
& you find me
back in your Universe.

© Sia Jane

There is no encore only a final curtain

For my former self, June 23rd 2015

Recently, I've been feeling this wave of nostalgia
As the rain caresses my skin and the wind howls past my ears
Every time I walk the streets to university,
Or watching the squirrels play around
The oak tree in the morning...

It feels like only yesterday.

And I count my blessings,
And I know how lucky I am to be alive.
And I look at a picture in this photo album of a younger me,
As I fake a smile to hide my pain.

I will never forget my former self.

And in my dreams, I am dying
I wake up screaming and shivering
With no one beside me, and when I close
My eyes again, there I am...
Stood on the bridge, drunk on starvation

Counting down from five to jump.

© Sia Jane
See Amiri Baraka "Preface to a twenty volume suicide note"

All that is left is your shadow
& token gifts of your leaving
We both know why you left. A signal
of pain illuminates a loss that
articulated through words, makes it more visual
I smell the rain falling &
it puddles in to shapes
You whisper "You can see me &
smell me when the heavens cry, until
the day I return, no longer a trick
of the mind at night"
I can not help but ask her why she left
I'm a boat tied at the dock
with the strength of the waves increasing
you can not hear me mutter feeble
cries of pain. The ocean pulls me close & you say:
"Turn your nightmares in to dreams! Let the night
comfort you. Remember us in your favourite picture."

© Sia Jane

Drifted skies
Parted hearts
Holding hands
Souls never part

This presence that the
World so gave
Somehow is stronger
From the grave

No touch no sight
No camera to hold
A memory
In sight

Sisters chosen from
Where water was far
Thicker than even
The blood we shed

© Sia Jane

It’s a Spring Tide drowning me
It’s a Full Moon, the sun and gravity
Pulling on the water of the ocean
I’ve been cast out in
Through denying my truth.
I cannot know if the flooding
Covering all of me
Will be as predictable as such a tide
Twice each Lunar month
No season negates the pull.
The rise and fall of the oceans levels
Feel more visible in me
Than any sea on earth.        

© Sia Jane

ever since the day
i met you
instantaneously
       i feared losing you
you gave me something
i could only compare
       with a woman in my past
who saved my life
the way
       you have too

Cross my heart
i miss you
       i don't say it lightly
it comes from the heart
i just crossed
        for you

hand on heart
can you hear
       it beats for you
it fears you leaving
i'm already
      coming undone

you're too beautiful
for a woman come
      undone, allow me
to hold you near
trust in my
      embrace
holding you close

if i let you close
you'll only hurt
       my already broken misfit
heart,
i love forever & for always
i'm left so easily
      i feel like a stray

my darling girl how could
you ever so
       devalue your life
i promise to stay
lower that sky high
wall
      i promise

you promise?*

i promise

© Sia Jane

Submission,
             indoctrinated
I fall, hitting the floor,
         as
words,
       penetrate,
skull filled with misled,
       judged,
              barely touched
understanding
               and, found, I
look to the moon,
                 low in skies,
where there are stars fighting for space,
   and I stopped,
                 the game of finding and seeking room
in the iced blocked heart of your own ruin.

Tumble,
        fumble
you loved,
              me; you said; I love you
yet, you, only you,
denies the soul, heart, craved for, starved for, undenied
                love; waiting its turn,
wait wait wait,
tell me will,
it ever truly be over, as the duality across sobriety,
serenity in acceptance, courage,
                                will you change?
No choice to whom we love, a choice only,
                     in allowing, love to
filter,
        filter,
               dissipate through,
dumb, inane, insane, sorrow struck, distrust, unrest
sober drunk, gone, lost, amidst
untold secrets, forming in patterns allowing choices, unknown
alive with love,
               inside the agony grows,
groans and aches,
unable to release, free love, the one you, so
undeniably,
want.

© Sia Jane

I get home, to a hand crafted
note, one you wrote, with
the old calligraphy pen, that
sits at grandfathers writing desk.

You even used the envelope,
sealed by candle wax, stamped
a red wax, my initial, touching,
folded paper, a kiss of brass.

The art of, manliness, unforgotten
left on the pillow, of this grandiose
four poster bed, mahogany homemade,
the resting place, for weekend affairs.

You refuse to kiss, ruby covered lips,
as I remember the calling card, you
used as a formal introduction, perfectly
groomed, you entered my life, unregrettably.

You, a man learned from his, grandfather
his own father passing away, whilst
away at sea, that cold and distant war,
my tears fell as you pursued his path.

You looked so debonair, a
tuxedo, measured to fit, all alignments
and as I stare at you, eyes connecting
all I wish for, are sweet kisses.

I want your arms around me,
softly whispering, of how you
will gently caress, each
and every curve, kissing my thigh.

The letter, quite simply,
hand typed, reads;
Florence Rose, will you do me the honor of marrying me?

I flush my arms around your neck,
tears fall, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.

He embraces me, kisses those lips,
lifts me to the bed,
******* me for minutes
moments and hours,
he makes love to me,
and I know, I know he,
is the only man I will ever need,
or even know.

© Sia Jane

At precisely 01:58am I logged;
I am
So
Unhappy
I write with pain and anguish
Playing games with
All, including myself
I tell stories that
Feel so real and
Yet, in hindsight
Seem like lies
I log;
I’m really happy right now
That was Saturday
At approximately 17:35pm
I remember because
At that moment
A person, I love
Typed; it’s so good to see you happy
You deserve it
I smiled, kept walking and agreed
At 02:02am it is Tuesday morning
A tear drop falls to
The page, where the pencil
Has written and now
Smudged,
It reminds me of how
Easily my emotions change
And are forgotten
How easily they are erased
Because all I say
May as well
Be
Written in something that
Can be easily washed away
This is how I live
And I can’t keep living
This way,
I am a broken toy, a soul
Who has been hurt by those who
Barely even realise what they have done
No apology, only lies, disloyalty, betrayal
All because I took a stand
Alone.
Maybe I always will be
Maybe I never love in the right way, or enough
Maybe I am not enough or any of it is enough
Nothing I give is enough
Lovers pass through me
I am like their garbage
They throw me out, toss me out as though
I am nothing
It is hard to believe I will ever be
Anything
Anymore
An empty vessel lost at sea
Oh the cliché
Relying only on air to live
Until I final pass, unwillingly
To greet those I too have lost
Above.
Unnoticed, unseen, I am simply
Gone.

© Sia Jane

I don't always want to look back
with a glance
it serves me at times to look back
to the past & stare
Like a stranger, I step into
what is now my history
I become my own present tense
I see a girl transition into a woman
I see her first love, her first heartbreak
I stay in those moments
I absorb them in ways I didn't back then
collecting stories my body still holds
but seeing them with new eyes
letting my myself feel the things
I once feared
Wanting them to fill me, so
I can store them, in memory not scars
I want to sit, whisper & promise my past self
It's going to be okay
because it always has been, &
it always will be
But she's not the one who only needs teaching
I'm the one who needs to learn
As I sit in my history
I sit with pain, knowing
it will serve me.

© Sia Jane

If you would chase her
     to the ends of the earth
climb ladders in to the sky
  jump on to clouds that
                            ascended
  just to follow the light
                 of a thousand stars
and rest on the moon
         to counter
                  the light years you
        pursue, racing to catch up
if you would wrap yourself
         around this infinite
                   Universe
  just to say: I love you
make sure, she's the one
   to say: I love you back.


© Sia Jane

I don't even know what to write, or say.
And for a person who has written so many poems,
on this site,
it is kind of unbelievable.

My first poetry anthology, "Wanderlust" - Sia Jane Lloyd
is now available via Amazon.

This place (Hello Poetry) has given me something I could never return or give words to.
Such acceptance, courage, love, belief, determination, inspiration...

Thank you for making me realise my dreams.
I couldn't have done it without you.

I love you all so so so much xoxo

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Wanderlust-she-travels-her-mind/dp/1492952346/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid;=1392582925&sr;=8-1&keywords;=sia+jane+lloyd

xoxoxoxoxoxo

I think perhaps as a writer, we seek the adventure, the unknown, the destructive, not only to know we are alive but to know what it is to live. We live fast, we love without restraint, with impulsive desire. Are we the tortured, the wounded, the broken, abused. We have lived a thousand lives, loved a million times. We dream, we idealise, we fall in love unintentionally, we make mistakes, we endure deep suffering and we fall to the hands of lust within a heartbeat. We choose to show our *******, our *****, our hearts or our souls. We refuse to sell our mind, to which we must always remain held to. Our body is a vessel, one of productivity made victim to abuse. It's such neglect, despair, that leaves us enveloped in patterns of trauma and deeply embedded psyache. Once touched, our bodies remember as an elephants mind always will. We are tainted, scarred, stained by another's love, lust, cheating, lying, crying, kissing, losing, dreaming. We are the risk takers, the ones who dare step into the unknown and often don't adhere to rules and regulations of societal ideals. We crave love. We crave endless excitement. We crave the adrenalin rush of a new lover. We don't settle. Wanderlust writes us. Each journey shapes us, choosing a new direction, experimenting with style, fiction, autobiographical tones. Landscapes colour our pages, pollute the rooms with a myriad of paints, smoking out those who don't endure, slaves to the written word, a pledge to keep reading pages of paper, dusty from step ladder high book shelves. Finding joy in limited first editions, autographed and locked behind glass doors.  Fairy tales whispered by Hans Christian Andersen - The Snow Queen in a pop up book laced with glitter and scintillation. Falling into stories, Alice's rabbit hole, lost to liquor saying drink me. The young ingénue, naïve and shy, her first role acting, embodying the spoken word through the masters written script.

© Sia Jane