you stomped your way into my life with no ******* warning and no ******* invitation but i accepted it didn't i
you tore up my life two years ago as someone who loved me but i dealt with the guilt of not loving you back didn't i
you disappeared and i was fine and i accepted it didn't i
but you returned stealthily like a python in the long grasses and although you didn't have any poisonous fangs, i didn't realize you'd slowly squeeze me to death
you squeezed my chest with the panic of talking to you
you squeezed my thoughts as they became so overwhelmed with you and everything you made me feel you MADE me feel them and i didn't want to but then again maybe i liked the pain
but then you left again leaving me slack and gasping for breath and shaking worse than an 8.0 magnitude and i was trying to learn to breathe on my own again
i got used to the quiet your absence brought, or maybe i didn't and i secretly yearned for you again because you made me feel things no one else had me feel before
and your constant appearing and disappearing act left me the poor frustrated feline in the game of cat and mouse
and i said i was over you but was i really? was i REALLY?
no.
i wasn't.
you were (almost) everything i wanted and i wasn't sure if i was satisfied or if i ever would be if i was truly with you.
and you played games, you treated me specially, or so i thought
you didn't really you treated other girls better than me with personality
though around me you deadened yours and attempted to stomp out mine and make me feel worthless and an annoyance similar to one of a gnat.
and then you became more appealing to me (at least physically, i'm sorry i was so shallow) and i missed the smiles your talking brought me and i wished that i could hear that voice with my own ears because god i didn't even know what it sounded like.
but then, at one point, i was yours.
and you were mine,
or at least i thought.
i squared my shoulders and screamed to myself, "don't be afraid anymore."
don't be afraid anymore.
i was afraid, but when i fell into your comforting arms, i felt at peace
i felt like nothing bad could ever happen again as long as you shielded me from the blades being tossed about haphazardly
i was so foolishly happy that i was blinded by the bitter workings of life
and the thought that nothing good lasts forever.
and it doesn't last forever. it gets bad. it gets frightening.
it gets deadly.
you said you couldn't handle so many commitments, but i didn't want to be just another obligation of yours and you HURT me and you LIED to me and you hid the truth from me
you said we couldn't be together any longer but we could still be friends
but friends don't ignore each other through the thorns of breakups, even if you were the one that committed the breaking, wielding your double edged blade which you wedged so deeply into my chest
you destroyed me
destroyed me
i felt like nothing would ever be good again not unless i had lungs full of smoke and a throat burning with ***** and bruises blossoming under my knuckles from when i punished the walls of my room and i was slipping over the endless tears that fell from my harsh eyes
but now, things are okay
i've finally moved onward sailing my ship and i'm happier with someone who treats me like a person, an actual person, and he made everything all right when my boat hit rough waters and typhoons
and even though you ****** me up, i have no regrets because you, you taught me to take chances and stop being afraid.
and for that, i thank you.
other than that, you can go **** yourself.
closure over an ex who really ****** me up, should've posted this a while ago but whatever this is really long and dumb and specific but yeah whatever