How gut wrenching it is
To know
How many sunsets I missed
Because I was angry
How many sunrises I missed
Because I was sad
And all the clouds in between
Because I didn’t care

Water’s scorching
Caressing my spine
Wounding me, a thousand hornet stings
Do not flinch
Only move closer
Temperature rises
Embracing the pain
This is how it remains hidden
Out of sight
-my secret to keep

it starts off small
the noise does

the longer I stare
the louder it gets

the hungrier i become
the less I want to eat

i’m worried all the time
like if I start, I can’t stop

if I don’t, then I won’t have to

-it controls my life
and now I’m scared

when I have to
it’s very little

hardly any, to none at all
the trick is always staying busy

the busier I am
the quieter the noise

which eventually fades
in to nothing at all

-the hardest habit to break
is the easiest ritual to follow

one line at a time
more addicting than coke
-i deserve this
this is my punishment
-for my cruelty
my self inflicted pain
scheduled payment
‘tis my debt
owed to karma
she’s more relentless
than a mortgage broker
she knocks three times
-at no specific time
always unannounced
makes herself at home
-so much so
that I feel like a stranger
to my own homestead
-lifelong debt

my skin burns like dry ice
being branded by the history
-of every mistake I’ve ever made
“when does it end?”
“where does it stop?”
if it’s forever
hang it around me like a noose
put me out of my agony
-this suffocation is unbearable.

stiff as a board on a dock
skin burning like ice
tears flowing as heavy as rain
begging and pleading
how can there be a God
when I suffer in silence so loud
-it shakes the peace out of heaven

the feeling of disgust
covers my body like a sweltering sheet
I scrub my skin raw
until it bleeds profusely
I relive it in my nightmares
other times, flashbacks
-I can’t help but feel I deserve it

I feel so unworthy
it would have been easier
if he had just killed me
compared to having to live
-just to die every time I wake up

i am nothing
short of a rage room
for those who cannot
cope and heal
they come
they release
-they leave

Fades in passing, ashtray swarms so fast
Glass makes contact with glass
Collisions echo loud
For, each future of myself can hear
Not enough time to warn
all infinite —-

a candle with such a small flame
has the opportunity to shine
brighter than ever
when oxygen is generously
-shared

seeds, so small
light as a feather
each one, represents
-second chances

perseverant and resilient
tenacity shows strength and ability
to thrive in harshest of conditions
giving opportunity to create
-an amorist

nothing short of a belesprit
an auric flower such
as yourself
you are the quintessence
of all things kind, patient, and sweet
-effortless gentleness

in awe at your ability to be
virile, and yet remain gentle
i enjoy being in this place with you
-esoteric

i am worth less
than dope
i cannot comfort
like an addiction can
i want to purge my skin
from these,
-my bones
throw my head
against a wall
my hand through
a window
why is five minutes of silence
-too much to ask for
sertraline
for me?
to be shoved down
-my throat
like a ratty cloth
down a pipe
an effort to silence
-me, my thoughts, and i