When I was little, I stuck scissors into the electrical outlet
something I never would have had the urge to do if my parents hadn't told me it was dangerous
I was a rocket pop, always standing too close to the edge,
always carrying a matchbook in my pocket

I'm not the only one who flirts with death
Death is the quarterback, death is the prettiest ******* the cheerleading team
Death is popular at parties
And when someone seems so out of my reach like that, I tend to romanticize them

So I fantasized about pills that shone like pearls
I envisioned ribs sticking out from my skeletal frame, finally frail enough to ****** the object of my desires
I thought about razor blades scattered like flower petals on the bathroom floor
Etching memento moris into my skin
I dreamed of fenders and pavement rushing up to meet my lips for one last kiss

God, I had the biggest crush on death
But so did everyone else
And I saw them falling further in love as if they were tumbling from a skyscraper
This is not a love poem, this is a goodbye
Because I have instead become infatuated with beautiful things
I am a creator, so I must stop destroying myself

Dear death
I don't want to be just another girl who doesn't look when she crosses the street, hoping to meet you on the other side
I will be okay on my own, and I'll keep the scissors locked up in the craft cabinet

I realized that even if you'd ever hurt me,
I'd still love you.

Even if you left black and blue bruises on my body,
I would still allow your lips to linger there.

Even if you left scars on my skin,
I'd still smile at the mirror knowing it was you who marked me as yours.

Even if your hands were around my neck,
I'd still wear your name around it.

Even if you beat the breath out of my lungs,
I'd still use the remaining air to whisper out your name.

Even if you ripped my heart out of my chest,
It would still beat for you.

Screaming. Crying. Bleeding. Drowning. Dying.
This is all my life has become. My once bright and happy mind is now dark and filled with despair. I used to let people in too easily... that’s where I went wrong. I let them into my heart and they vandalized me like an ugly piece of art. Now I have to put up more walls, testing people to make sure I'm not hurt once again. I thought I had found the one. But he just used me for fun. He sat there and watched me suffer for what he had done. He led me to believe he had a thing for me, but I knew it was too good to be true. I was a fool to let him in. At first he really did love me but I didn’t love him. But now the tables have turned. He’s moved on and I’m still in pain. I’m stuck here in the pouring ran. Cars go past oblivious to my existence. I started to put distance between the ones who actually cared about me... He had hurt me so much I couldn’t stand to be hurt again. I was already so battered and bruised. I hide my pain from him but at the same time I want him to know the hell he’s putting me through. He told me he still loved me but obviously he loves someone else. I can tell by the way he distances himself. I knew towards the end I was losing him... he got close to one of my friends. He promised me they were just friends, but I’m not as stupid as he thinks. I’m not the dumb blonde. I knew he loved her. I knew by the way he stayed up just to talk to her. Why am I not good enough for him? What did I do wrong? I always felt like I didn’t belong... I felt like I was intruding on them... like they didn’t want me there. I am the outcast, the freak. And because of that my feelings get shoved away by others. I’ve learned to hide my emotions, I’ve learned to be fake happy, I’ve learned how to say I’m fine even when I’m not. I’ve mastered the art of faking it.

You said you never wanted to lose me

But now you have you see

You broke my heart

All our promises too

Forever and always you liked to say

Forever is more than just a few days

Through thick && thin I thought you'd be there

But you no longer seem to care

I trusted you I let you see my darkest side

Even the demons I try to hide

I loved you more than you'll ever know

I love you more than I show

You took my heart and clawed at it until it bled

I promise is all you said.