I just want to go some place really high and in the middle of droves of people
and just scream until i feel my tonsils jingle and my ears are ringing
the misery that fills my mind is making it hard for me to concentrate on anything
the guilt, its power to ****** me is far from who i am but it's convincing me it's true
but
i don't think i even know who i am any more
i'm not that same girl next door
the girl all the guys know for being the best girl to ever touch a basketball
i wish i knew her

if i knew i were to live 100 years from today, i'd only want to live in this very moment with you
your lips
your eyes
your teeth
****...
that smile
i'd want to live between forever and a day with you
i'd like to wake up to your morning breath
girls like that simple ****
i'd like to sit on the toilet seat and talk to you while you shower
watch you from the door frame as you dry off
sit on the bed and watch you with curiosity as you get dressed
and think to myself every day, you're a lucky man
not just because you have me but also because that very moment i first described, you'd always be a part of

i hate that i can't erase the traces of your lips from mine
that i can't go back to the day i let you in, no way to rewind those evil hands of time
i hate that i can't simply unlove you
delete you from my timeline as though you were never there
unlove you and unfriend you
block you from showing up in my searches throughout my facebook and swear i never knew if you were or weren't there
it's unfair we have no way to put into a search box the qualities we're seeking in a mate
i know for sure i'd dodge your bullets
i'd have no gun or triggers any ways
you would never wonder if i were the one who'd got away
you make me sick to stomach in a salmonella poisoning kind of way
makes me question how we met and if i should have retreated and gone the other way
now i'm feeling a little stuck like how can i run away?
you've stolen my youth
my faith in love
and my fruits among other things
i just want you to go
find somewhere else to be
but go away
this thing we call us has run it's course and what else more can i say?

I don't want to have to pick through your fragments and broken pieces
I have too many of my own that I haven't had idle time to rid of
because where I'm from, no one taught us that broken pieces weren't actually useful enough after being discarded to build something
So I've carried them year after year
heart break after heart break
fears and more fears
that someone would notice that I've been carrying all these pieces that are mismatched and mostly by nature
natural because each time I get shaken and rattled
there are more pieces
more fragments
and as we each go to bend down
to retrieve what we conceived to have fallen
we've ended up picking up someone else's pieces

convince me otherwise
but I know more than you're thinking
I've been through some ups and downs
some on the high side of extreme
but I'm still here
lost amid the troubles of this world
a woman now afraid for her children
no room to be an afraid little girl
ashamed, sometime, of the blessings I've received
afraid that they only see my exterior
not the power and beauty of the reproduction of my genes
and it would seem, that I've gotten used to being stared at and talked about as if I can't see
but who in their right mind would ever get used to being judged by the smaller pieces?

can i have you?
not just your body but your mind too
your secret thoughts that yield the truth of the real you
the silly things you think when no one else is around
those things that make you laugh those hearty laughs
can i have you?
flaws and all
your sleepy voice in those late night calls
your sweaty t-shirt from a long summer day
or your sweat shirt
or the shorts you sleep in at night
but hey either way
i want you
in ways i can't describe
i mean things i can only think
i can't describe
i'd rather show you
show you how i want to love you
know you
show you all the ways i want you
can i have you?
i'll show you how and where to start
let me have you
let me have a chance with your heart