Let’s just stay here in the darkness,
Under this clear navy blue sky
The stars pulsing with light

I wish I could look into your eyes,
Maybe then you’d see how much I feel for you
But we’re so far
And the fighting has distanced us even more

There isn’t much I know
But I know we have to make this work
Stay under this navy blue sky with me
Quiet our rambling minds, and just breathe together.

I wish I could just look into your eyes
Then you’d be convinced
That we can make this work.

multi-colored Tibetan prayer flags
whipping in the wind strung out on the veranda
there are no telephone wires that crisscross the sky
only endless open spaces
that mesmerize my open eyes

when I walk my bare feet step down into
green lusciousness
abuzz with spectacularly designed creatures
that are so scared and yet so curious
they move with trepidation
when I am near
they are concerned for their self-preservation
as am I

when the sun sets
the sky lights up
with millions of diamond lanterns
cast out in space
shining down on me
it breaks something open in me
it makes me want to believe
in something called love
though I've been scarred, and stabbed
and abandoned to die
I still wonder,
in this crazy crazy world
if love has still survived.

The world is always begging for my attention
For my eyes and for my mind
It wants to mold me into something unnatural
And make me a foreigner to my own instinct
I feel anxiety tighten around me like a stifling rope
As my psyche is bombarded by an endless array of digitized stimuli
It’s created as an addiction, and this addiction suffocates
Painting illusions that cause a soul-rotting envy
But we’re all liars engaging the game
Knowing that we are imposters communing from a safe distance
Avoidance has become the most deadly form of complacency,
It is a dark comfort
To not have to experience the unpredictable world within our animal bodies
But instead, curate our perfected persona online,
And disengage from the body
By having the mind incessantly entranced by an onslaught of media.

What if I were to be a conch shell?
Emptied of my pain, of my trivial afflictions
What if all my memories were stripped from my mind,
Would my mind become bleak like the frigid landscape of Antarctica
Or would it finally be empty enough to become saturated by unfiltered light?

What if I have used my mind as a crutch for all these years,
Because loving was just too fierce,
Too all encompassing
Love could lift me to my highest highs,
And promptly pulverize me in a matter of seconds.
Because of my unhealed pain surrounding love
I unintentionally sequestered myself in the small realm of my mind
Becoming dizzy and detached from my heart and body
As my mind stewed in a mess of overthinking,
In this process trying to derive the perfect formula
To avoid future pain at all costs

But I just wonder, if maybe
All this pent up inner torment doesn't truly belong to me,
Like, it shouldn't form my identity
I guess it's really hard to say,
Because these traumas make up so much of who I am today
But maybe I shouldn't allow them to have so much authority over my life
Because truly, these traumas are the source of my continuing strife
I just think, that maybe
If I willingly surrendered my psychological debris to God
That He would take it and dissolve it,
So He could fill me, unhindered, with His unconditional love.

It's melancholy, you know
Crying until dawn
Your mind seeks for answers
Everything is just wrong,
But your heart whispers hold on

I'm tired, you know
Of keeping up this act
Of smiling when I want to cry
Of being everyone's heroine
But when it's my turn to fall apart
All those I have rescued
Are nowhere to be found

My heart
Is becoming
Like a forest
Dense and thick with pines
The deeper I go
The more lost I become

I scream HELP ME
But I'm in a dream
And no one can hear me
No one can see me.

Forever my soul has been a soujorner
A constant fighter, a constant learner
A rebel against the odds
A girl blossoming from a barren pod
And so how could it be
That my resilient soul can never rid itself of melancholy
It's trivial, not pivotal
The emptiness inside echoes in my being
I walk these dead streets at night
Not even the wind is breathing
I think about how
There was a time before I existed,
And yet here I am now
Realer than a cloud

Tears start to well in my eyes
I keep walking and think how no one ever will realize
The deep and constant pain I have inside
It would only burden them to let them know
That I'm sad because life can't be the way I dream it could be
There are just too many "should be"s I have to attend to
There's no time for childhood pretending
Where dreams are possible and opportunities unending

It's just another sullen day
That I realize I'm so far from my dreams
I'm still riddled with all my therapy resistant foibles
And I will just live this monotonous day,
Again.

Many a psychiatrist
Sitting in their stiff leather chair,
Has tried to tell me
What is wrong in my head
They review tests I've taken
With scales
Asking me how much I feel something-
One through three?
They dole out myriad pills,
That cause further distress
I try to keep my mind a placid place,
But these pills and these labels keep me in constant chaos
All the different labels plastered around me:
Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar, OCD, PTSD...
Doctor, won't you tell me,
Which one is it exactly?
I've gone to all these doctors,
And they all tell me something different
I'm starting to doubt their veracity
I can no longer be discontent, I can no longer be sad, I can no longer be stressed, I can no longer obsess occasionally about an arbitrary mistake, I can no longer be super elated without reason, I can no longer recount a haunting experience...
Without being mental in some way
And having a pill pushed on me by some "well meaning" doctor
Instead of taking the time to actually stop for a moment, open their ears, and get in touch with the very real experience of offering to help carry a burden,
With a little something called empathy.

What a trivial title
for a trivial poem
What I consider meaningful
Is just mere dirt to someone else

It all comes down to what you believe in
And what you believe will make you happy and make you whole
That is where meaning is held

I awake tired and the snippets of my dreams that I recall perplex me
I ponder: What is my subconscious trying to tell me
But I find no pattern with the fragments
And I leave it be for another unsolved mystery.

Is everything OK in my life?
Or is everything falling to pieces?
I can't seem to discern this clearly
My perceptions are distorting my view on reality
But even if life was beyond everything I have ever hoped for right at this moment
I couldn't fathom pure happiness
In this strife ridden world

Mermaids exist through our mind's capacity to fantasize
And that's where happiness comes from
Our ability to conjure something that is not real or is scarce on earth
Happiness is as real as mermaids.

Mist lingers on my lips,
All the words I meant to say
Pent up under the deep rot of rage
My body quivers,
Mind shivers
With incoherent messages
Trying to comprehend
But left only guessing
At this game of life

Come on now,
Sitting stiffly in the car
Come on now brain,
You mustn't be mad
Force force force yourself to be glad
Go swallow the pill of austere reality
It's cold, it's bleak, and it's ******* with my mentality

Because I like magical notions
I dream too often of the ocean
I think of all the places I'll never be
I dream about my destiny
I am weak
Yet I am strong
I am as haywire as a jazz song
My sould sinks deep
My spirit shoots up higher

Mist lingers on my lips
My fingertips
Are as cold as ice
My eyes are averted,
How could I ever look what I want
In the eye
And ask for it?

Do I see it now?
Images and echoes of future notions
reverberate through my mind
I'm trying to come up with a definitive answer
But the future is concealed,
Smiling slyly behind privacy glass
I'll never know, despite how much I grasp

It was just,
words were shared
Words that I haven't spoken for so long
Those words flowed through me effortlessly
And gasped sighs of relief
as they hit the air
that carried them on sound waves
to his ears

I felt like he saw me
I haven't felt seen for a while now
Who is this mystery man
That I've always admired from afar
Coming unpredictably into my life
And cracking open my heart?

The unplanned encounter felt natural
So natural it was almost raw
I exposed myself,
Naked
Flaws and quirks and odd thoughts
Openly displayed
I couldn't be anyone but myself
And with him that was okay

This encounter has triggered daydreaming in me
But I must remain rooted in reality
For the ride on cloud nine is exhilarating yet swift
It gets you so high
and then kicks you off over a cliff
I've gotta be patient, I've gotta stay strong
I have to really know myself
Before I can know another
I've gotta let all expectations go
and just go with the flow
No manipulating to get my way
Just simple openness to a God-led way.

The sun glitters upon the coy pond
The wind whips softly through the trees
I find myself in places
That people fail to see
I'm overlooked and taken for granted
Like these secret destinations that I explore
Sitting at diner tables in the dark
My coffee is still hot,
Steam rolling up
I cup my frigid hands around the mug,
I lay my face down on the diner table,
Steely cold

I saw myself in a reflection on a passing train,
A deranged face with a malevolent smile in the background
My reflected face a hologram on top of his
NYC subways where the real rats are the people

The hill, it seemed, the hill
Where a tree gave shade
A quiet shade
In the midst of a raucous fair
Cotton candy and corn dog smells wafting in the air
Hormonal teenagers,
Strange setting,
Running in circles, searching, but not finding
Goodbye, deep within his eyes
The song by Smash Mouth as I rode away on my bike,
Smiling

Dark, decomposing chambers
Deep within my being
Going through seasons of death and rebirth
Death and rebirth,
I try to stop the cycle,
I just want to be alive
But the cycle is a wave
Within the ever changing river,
Never set on one course

I had a map once,
I had a plan,
I had a story
I had it all at once, it seemed
I had the grass in the field and laughter with beer and love on weekdays
Yet I always cowered when the subject of the future came up
But I've come to learn that everyday is the future
Setting it's course
On the wild seas of Life.

Tears streak my face
I hold out my hand,
Searching for a hand to grab
I wipe tears from my eyes,
Imagine blood on my wrists
What is this disaster that has latched onto me?
My mind is in disarray,
My heart is a loveless mourner
My feet anxiously await my destiny as a sojourner
I grabbed a bat
And beat the mattress
Screamed into a pillow,
All they see is a happy girl,
But they can't see what I've been through,
What I've seen,
I can't erase these dark notions,
Tearing me a part like a monsoon.

They called you Luna back in the day
You peppered the night air
With grace and great joy
You whispered secrets into ears
And danced in the sand
You loved with a full heart
And drifted away when it was your time to go

In life you're always learning,
You're always growing
You're correcting your soul
And trying to excavate your burning desire
You've known sadness
And that's why you fight
To know joy again

You were once called Luna,
But now you're more like the Sun
Like a burning flame
Your flame had once become very low
But you've taught it how to grow
By being true to yourself

This evolution of your soul is a journey
But have hope, darling
Tend to yourself gently
And multiply your love
And you will grow
You will flourish,
You will thrive
And oneday,
You will look into your very own eyes,
And smile your genuine smile
Of your childhood self
Trust me,
You'll see
You'll have become the person you were always meant to be.

Cloaked in satin,
Sitting there
In your plastic chair,
But you sit in it
Like you're royalty,
You make plastic look like gold
For you shine so bright,
Right from your bones
Your joy is palpable,
You are an angel in disguise,
Who stole your halo from you,
With those years of many lies?
People try to steal what they cannot own,
And yet you call this heart a home
I must go this alone,
You asked to take my hand,
I contemplated saying no
I needed to hide my tracks in the snow

You're eager indeed,
Eager to please
I said stay here,
Sit down with your tightly wound knees
But you couldn't,
You sought to chase the breeze,
Trying to catch the ineffable
This is why your mind is a well of unease

Standing there,
What an elegant pair,
Don't despair,
What is yours will find you
Don't blind yourself with illusions,
Embrace the truth here,
Embrace the warmth of life that is Living,
You find little solace in your daydreams,
You're bewitched by all these schemes brewing in your brain,
But just for once,
Relax, today.
*Bask in this morning's glory,
Reassured in your solitude,
Make peace with all of the incomplete puzzles in your mind.

Mother, so wonderful and so bright
You are the warm soil beneath my feet
The expansive blue above my reckoning mind

Oh Mother,
How the masses have ravaged you
Trying to change you into something mechanical,
Something more controllable

Mother, have they lost their heart,
Where is their soul?
Take me far from this polluted humanity
I just want to be able to hear the secrets
that ride on the whispers of the wind again

Mother, you are constantly caressing me
With your abundant life surrounding me
Your warm air kisses me,
Little waves play with my toes
Butterflies are always greeting me
I feel complete in my soul

Maybe I'm a self made mystic
In awe of the beauty surrounding me
But I am also struck down by pain,
The collective pain of humanity

Oh Mother,
teach us how to get back to our roots
We don't have to suffer in the ways we do
Teach us how to be simple and true,
Mother,
Just like you.

I'll speak in my mother tongue
And embrace
the slang of my Brooklyn roots

I won't try to change
My colloquial way of speech
I don't have anything to prove
With the words I choose to use

Because I'll speak my message plain as day,
I'll spit my rhymes
Like straightforward
Old school rappers
I don't need to sugarcoat my words
I don't need to overcomplicate things
With my messages

I'll take pride in my mother tongue
I won't pretend to be something I'm not
I'm just a girl from Brooklyn
Who has a lot to express.

I am a gem
A raw glowing crystal of the earth
With a multitude of sides and angles

I am a spectrum on a continuum
This continuous continuum called life
Forever going, with no thought of me
Existence has no thought of anyone, in fact
And no concept of reality, neither can it perceive the toll it's negative experience allotments has on the individual's life
But existence cannot be blamed, for the hurt it causes us is purely unintentional,
You have to give existence credit for it's intentions--
There are no intentions beheld by the unconscious, therefore if existence were to be personified it would be a neutral force,
though it's impact on our fragile lives from the moment we are conceived and officially a zygote is life-shattering at times,
yet weaved ever so magically through our sadness is joy and the satisfaction of conquering the elements that possess the potential to defeat us.
After every conquest we do become an increment stronger,
though at times we obsess over the bruises we have acquired through our personal wars
Yet, without your struggle, who would you be?

I'm never good enough
You're never good enough
We're all never good enough
We're all not "just right"
These ideas of lack keep us up all night
But if you just let go to those false and self-defeating perspectives
Your true genius would shine, and who could ever put an end to the pure beauty of a soul that emanates the oneness of the source?
We must do away with Capitalism, for it is the source of our discontent and feeling of never ending lack
In the end, we all regress back to a state of being out of touch with the world and being in awe of it simultaneously
When our brains slowly fade back into nonexistence, just like we were before our parents were impregnated with us
Sometimes, you just have to stop and ponder over the cycle
And you start to think about who established the cycle
Which leads to an array of contemplation
One inquiry flowing smoothly but swiftly to the next
My head fills up so quickly with the substance of inquiry
That I can become rather depressed
And it's not the type of depression that's easily cured with rest
It comes to a point where I become obsessed
With finding and deciphering all the answers
That my outward life begins to lose zest
Yet my internal life is growing so rich and so diversely composite that if I were asked to describe my ideas and opinions they would be completely ineffable
I read voraciously, but my mind has a unique system of filtering the articles of myriad genres that I read into this sui generis amalgamation
I have to be careful when I open my mouth to speak
Since my opinions deviate astronomically from the norm
I choose my words wisely to avoid being called insane and treated with scorn.
Since I have to keep most of me a secret, specifically in this provincial vicinity
My heart whispers love to me throughout the day
So I keep the love for my true identity ignited.

I can't deny that subjectively, at times, I view my disposition as a condition that is a contributor of my plight
But objectively I have chosen to wield my sword of might and trudge through this fight
Because I know, just like at the end of every fairy tale is a happy ending
That through the thorny bushes I walk through and all the villains I meet on the way that try to take my life
Their is a sunlit horizon somewhere awaiting me
Awaiting my unique and magical company
Somewhere where I will truly be able to fulfill all of my heart's desires.
Truly, your location is not prejudiced to your desires, but some of the places that you will live will require more courage to fulfill them.

I have many sides, many traits and many distinct ways
About me
But if you want to get to know me quickly and know all of me in one simple image
I will tell you of who I became when the nutcracker played at the end of this children's movie I watched as a toddler
I would intensely imagine the scene that song evoked for me
Coming into character so authentically and indistinguishably from who I was
Out of all of my traits, this one was the one I can recall from the beginning and the one I never lost
My imagination and my strong ability to think visually
Attribute this to genetics, possibly an inherited slight increase of glial cells in my brain (do a google search of glial cells and creativity...
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that Google is not an all-knowing god, even though I ask it just about everything)
So this is who I am
I know myself very well,
but I'm still trying to figure the whole world out.

You're a yellow frothy tide
Hugging my barren hips
And causing me to desire for more life
You're the desert sun to my worshipping cacti
Stretching arms out to you
Soaking in all your glorious scorching love

You're a field of wildflowers
Yellow and green and blue and pink
Making erratic love to the wind
You are the earth beneath my feet,
Between my toes
Beating in my heart

You are the greatest mystery
Unsolvable by any great mind
I turn you over yet still I remain blind
For what a curious creature are you
You keep me on my toes,
You alone are my muse.

Marble milk
Cold and soft
like silky steel
Dripping off
from this current reality
Howling
to a non-existent moon
A distant heart
Light years from this home on earth
I've made

It's a utopia
My truest disdain
Where the notes of every voice
Slips stealthily into
the realm of the insane

So far away,
so very far

It's near
Who you are
Who I want you to be
Sitting next to me
Only three doors down
But three doors is an eternity
Each door a pocket into
another reality

Let me play with time and space
This life is not a race
But bestowed
on both grateful and ungrateful

You are my Marble Utopia
So stately and so tall
With you I am enthralled
As my mind slips through
the parameters of my skull
I will drink you all in,
Distant, cold man
Of you I will get my fill

You are so beautiful
You are so far from me.

When, on days like this
It takes everything in me to stay
To remain,
With my feet planted on this decaying ground,
That's collapsing under me
I lift my heavy head toward a cloudy sky
and cry out silently: Why?

And on days like these
I know I will find a way in no way
To get out of here
Out of this stagnation and this fear
One day, I know
I will be out in a field
Where the air is so crisp,
And I will feel it against my singing lips,
Singing sweet songs of praise
For once again my sorry soul God will have raised.

On days like this the bleakness feels inescapable,
I wonder if I am in any degree capable
To rid myself of my hindrances
and set forward on the path that God has set before me
I can't lie to you
and tell you I am naturally brave,
for I am shaking at my knees,
So scared I am indeed
But I can't keep my feet planted in this deteriorating ground much longer,
For the dirt of this town breaks through my shoes and eats at my calloused soles
I need to find a way to stop the bleeding.  

Jesus showed me how to give up everything
for the will of our Father
It's so daunting to be called to this,
but something deep within me
tells me I must follow.

So what will I give up,
What will I sacrifice
to follow the call God has on my life?
My answer: everything.

Intrisically, we are all connected to God,
We don't doubt this when we are young,
But doubt seeps in slowly,
For years,
Draining us of our faith
The world is desolate,
And in our sadness we also become depraved
Looking for answers in the swamp,
Seeking fresh water in it's toxic sludge,
Sinking to our grave
But only through Divine intervention,
Were you pulled from quicksand
An invisible hand,
Lifted you up
You felt the presence of inmeasurable love,
Consoling you,
For once,
Finally,
After all those years of despair,
You have relief
You breath the fresh air you once would desperately seek,
You drink pure water
And when you open your mouth to speak
You hear the voice of truth bellowing through
It's a curious thing,
To turn your back on God,
But be saved by grace,
You are not a mistake,
No matter who points and laughs and sneers
There is a reason you are here,
Welcome the warm embrace of the Divine,
And trust me,
You'll be fine.

Sapphire feathers cloak me
My back to the sun, golden
Heart like an emerald glowing,
Heart like an emerald glowing

Twilight, soft and yellow
My chest, rising-- up and down
Creatures chattering
My mind doesn't make a sound

I think I remember
As I force forgetting
I feel I remember
Eyes closed, transported to an ethereal setting

Whence I came
From the womb
Encased deep within my mother
Germinating, preparing to bloom

But was there existence before the womb?
Was I first a notion
To be planted into this earthly reality
Manifested in flesh and designed for divine devotion?

I don't know
But in some ways
My life feels like a testament
to a ubiquitous force of love and grace

I've given up religion
But still I worship
I'm simply grateful to be alive
In this experience so perfect.

New
Like the dawn
The glorious sunrise
Pinkish hues awash with silent beiges
And the sun
Is a fiery orb
Coloring life into every living thing

I feel the new
With my breath
In and out
And I think of the ocean
The powerful ocean
I can feel it within my heart,
The waves rumbling through my veins

I can see the new
In not so distant visions
Of a future full of growth
I’ve healed so much
And yet there’s more
More of the new
I open my doors
Let it all in
All the gloriously soothing beauty
Of life’s simplest pleasures
Healing me

There’s been a crack made in my lifelong illusions
I’m beginning to feel clarity, and not confusion
Saying yes yes yes
To more beauty.

Yellow buds sprouting anew,
Spring is here,
Comes ere year
The blossoms herald hope
Revival, birth, growth
Like a vine growing taller
I will sing my sad song
Until it becomes a song of beauty
Until all the dead leaves of fall
wash away
I'll let the gushing winds
carry me
I'll make a little raft,
and find a river
I'll set off into the unknown,
where no one else dares to go
I'll open my heart wide enough to see,
Every possibility
I'll cancel all the naysayers and negativity
I won't be subscribing to
hopelessness any longer
I feel the call of my wild heart
booming deep within me
I'm ready to start my journey,
This is my new beginning.

Can you feel the newness of this new decade?
This new life calling to you?
You’ve been standing on the precipice for awhile now
But now it’s time to jump
Arms wide open, into the unknown
Let it enfold you and unfold you
Sprout forth and open
Your years as a tight bud are behind you
It’s time to emerge from the cradle of safe certainty
And like a stray feather
Glide on the winds of endless, meandering possibilities.

I was sixteen
We started fires in graveyards
Had *** in public parks
At 2 a.m.
Drank stolen 12 packs behind abandoned factories
And played Nirvana without end

We smoked **** in ditches
And burned holes in our skin for fun
We kissed strangers
While closing our eyes
And imagining Jim Morrison

We popped unlabeled pills
We were put in psychiatric hospitals
We watched indie films
While we made our ****** art
We played basketball in a parking lot
After smoking fruity blunts

We found an abandoned mansion,
And slept in abandoned homes
We would get so drunk we wouldn't know where to go
We fell down hills and scraped our knees
We cut ourselves with dull blades
Crying in the shower, un-saved
We drank champagne alone
Crying to ourselves
In a lonely home

We blasted Pink Floyd and stared into each other's eyes
We watched Black Swan and walked home on the January ice
I said I wanted to be with you forever
But you became mad,
You said forever is too long

We rode in the back of cars at night
Singing Italian songs before the inevitable fight
We danced on beaches
And stripped in the sprinklers of dawn
Running through the lawns
We were outlaws
Bonnie and Clyde
Making a habit of destruction
So we could hide our sorry hearts.

There are no boundaries
In the mind
Anything is conceivable
It's practically unbelievable
I create and destroy at my every whim
Like a pendulum, like a monstrous crane
I close my eyes,
And exist in an alternate reality, In my brain

Visual artist is not enough of a description
To define these visions
I see worlds I can create
With multitudes of mediums

What a profound blessing
And an irreversible curse
To feel and see and be so intensely
To be so deviant from the mediocre
Whose thoughts are like stale smoke
I see color, I see life
I see beauty, and the living struggling under
The weight of strife
But I get out easel and brush
Right when I've had enough
And I create my way back to sanity

Maybe it's merely a false happiness
That I aim to create
To stave off this disease of
Reality
That I hate.

I'm the most negative person
I'm the most positive person
I'm the nicest, kindest, loveliest person
you'll ever meet
I'm the meanest, nastiest, cruelest of souls

I'm so skeptical
I'm so open hearted
I live my life with bounded feet
I dance to the beat of my own dream.

I am a conglomeration of contradictions
How the **** am I supposed to know who I am,
What my purpose is,
In which direction to follow
When my soul is both north and south
Light and dark
Love and evil

Take notice, look up from your screen
Go outside, step into the natural light
Whether the sky is cloudy or clear and bright
Revel in all the goodness you can see with your eyes

And if you just took notice,
Turned off all your devices
And disconnected from the endless chatter of anxious minds
To simply look into another’s eyes
You’d feel the gift of connection without words
Or what if you saw a bird?
Bright yellow or bold blue?
What if you missed all of it
Because you never paused to look around you?

Sure, there’s a lot of things to be down about
So many of us are conditioned by shame, guilt and anxiety
But what if, for just a moment, we stepped out of that conditioning?
And what if we came to really love no longer being limited?
What if instead we
Loved freedom and beauty and experiencing life through the lens of gratitude?

Don’t hide inside your overthinking mind
That is so scared to experience life
You’re terrified of getting hurt again
But maybe, if you see it all as a gift
When something gets taken away
You can be thankful for all the blessings of that gift,
Even amidst the heart-opening pain of loss

So take notice, and cherish it all
Don’t you understand that life is temporary
All the people and the places and the things will one day change or go away
So please be intentional with your life,
Be intentional with how you treat yourself and others,
And how you spend your time
It’s so precious, all of it
I want you to experience it fully,
The temporary beauty of life
And love so bravely that it cracks open your fragile heart.

You saw me crying tears
I'm not okay
Don't let me go
Don't let me walk away

How can I know this is true?
Can't open my heart up again to be abused
You got another love on your mind
You made promises
But how can I know we'll pull through?

You say the stars have aligned
But I can't shake this cynicism from my mind
You're all heart
and I'm all brain
But this overthinking has got me to the brink of going
Insane

Dress me in pearls and tie my hair in a bow
I try to be feminine
But I truly know
That I want to be strong
And there is nothing wrong
with a woman
who can be happy on her own

I want to be happy on my own
But honestly, sometimes that can be lonely
And sure, you get on my nerves,
So why do I miss you holding me?

You've got big eyes just like a child's
Full of sadness and hope
You don't understand how hard it is for me to give my heart up
You'll probably hurt me too
So what's the point of going through with this?

Time only makes bonds stronger
So, there's no point for me to stick around any longer
I wish I could tell you that I care
I really do
But I need you to leave
Before I fall too hard for you

Might as well deal with the pain now
Before time passes and the
pain of severance is
unbearable
Deeming my heart irreparable
Just hold me in your arms one last time
Cuz I've already come up with all the reasons I have to say goodbye

You heard me cry
And you ignored me
I still have a sore heart
Even though you said sorry
Just don't worry
It'll all be over soon
Too bad this hurts too much,
I really wanted to love you.

Ocean blue
Washing over me
I feel pleased and relieved and at ease
I close my eyes and see my childhood memories
I feel the nonchalance of my young self's naivete
Only in God's presence can I truly release
The strain of this flesh and
the push of society

I used to watch National Geographic all the time
when I was a kid
Sometimes I would watch deep sea divers
I would imagine being a deep sea diver myself
when I grew up
Now, I've yet to deep dive in a literal ocean
But I've recently been deep diving into the
Realm of spirituality

I see
Darkness and Light
In this realm
Sometimes,
my heart becomes curious of the darkness
It wants to understand what is concealed
What is distorted, what my eyes can't easily
perceive
But a call to Light is beckoning within me
It says
Get out of darkness, confusion, deception.
Truth resides only in the light,
It is Open, and never hidden, as darkness hides
Darkness is heavy, it weighs you down
You try to hide it,
But it's visible on your face
Light is buoyant
It brings you to the surface
It brings you life, Light fills you and
Renders you Alive.

I’m in love, I’m in love
He’s touched my heart,
I heard God agreeing from above
He is fond of our love
Our young, hopeful love
I saw a pure white dove hovering above my beloved
And I just wanted to shout
But I dare not, so I don’t freak the whole world out
I wanted to shout:
“I love you!”
Oh, am I merely a fool?
Pursuing dreams that can no longer be mine?
Or does love not know time?

How would he react, if I told him the truth?
The truth is screaming inside of me!
It wants to get loose!
But I keep it ******* with a noose
I am so scared to lose
I am scared to tell him and lose him forever
Lose seeing that beautiful face
That toned body
Lose listening to the words that generate from his clever mind.
Oh, why can’t he be mine?

I solemnly pray, that he doesn’t view me as a piece in his game
To be easily thrown away
I hope and pray, that he longs to be with me
Forever and a day.

This day is beautiful
The weather is mild
I feel so gleeful I want to expose my inner child
But she runs and hides when he is being beheld in my eyes
I just want to take his hand,
and run to the hills
I want to take his face and kiss him
And all of the minutes we spend apart,
Oh, do I miss him.

I’ve loved many times,
but what’s once more?

Open yours eyes
Let go of sweet alibis
You know those are just sugar coated lies

Open your eyes
I am standing in front of you
Quiet the chaos inside
You've got to get out of there
I took a peek inside your brain
and I've got to say,
Those voices sound quite insane

But don't pay mind to those voices
They do not own your name
They are just voices that feed the lie that you're not okay
That you'll never meet the measure
Just open your eyes,
And experience life and all of it's pleasures

I'm standing here before you,
Can't you see me?
A living, breathing, sentient being
Your internal chaos has vanquished you
It has stolen your sight
All you can see now are the lies that rule your life

Open your eyes,
I'm here for you and I understand
Can you not move, can you not feel?
I reached out my hand
Now reach out yours,
I will grab hold of it
And lift you up from the floor

Open your eyes
Love stands before you in all of it's purity
But you are unsure and full of insecurities
I bestow my love with no requirements or
debts
Because my heart  just gets stronger
The more I love unconditionally,
So, let me in,
Please

Open the eyes of your heart,
And finally, you will see.

Have you ever felt alone
In a world so vast?
Have you ever felt different
As you look on at everyone else?
Because I think a lot of us feel this way,
Like foreigners in an unknown land,
Or a round peg in a square hole
Looking for community
In which we can be fully unveiled
And fully seen
Because it’s when we’re stripped of all our masks
That the heart has room to heal

But we are conditioned to hide our vulnerability
And instead wear practiced smiles to conceal our deep down fears
Maybe this is because many of us were raised by unsafe people
Who failed to hold space for our tenderness as children
And instead taught us to armor up
And always be in a state of protection

It’s true, it may take time to find the people you can be “you” with,
Without conformity and performance
Your people will be those who accept you for the simple you—
Without assessing your accomplishments, background, or identity
In order to fit you into some social hierarchy
And they’ll listen to you with an open heart
And you’ll feel understood for the first time in a long time

But your people starts with you,
My people starts with me,
Our people starts with us
Though there are many who currently prove themselves as unsafe to have our tenderness shared with,
Boundaries are essential
But for those who have gained and maintained our trust—
We can open our gates and share the truth of who we are!

But even if right now, you can’t find anyone who is safe to be yourself with,
Take time to cultivate this beautiful bond within yourself
Allow both your vulnerability and your strength to be fully expressed
And as you allow the full spectrum of who you are to be expressed, unaltered and unabashed,
You will witness the gradual blossoming of yourself.

There was a time in my life
When I was beaten down, broken, lost
and left for dead.
All those who I thought were my friends
left me when I needed them most.
But before they left,
they blamed me for my suffering.
I was all alone,
abandoned and bleeding on the side of the road
I thought that this was it.
I thought I was taking my last dying breath.

But something happened.
A person I couldn't identify in my wounded state
picked me up off the hot asphalt
I lost consciousness in this stranger's arms
And when I came to
I was in a cabin
On a leather sofa
In front of a roaring fire.
The stranger came over to me
and offered me water.
When I took the glass from his hand
I saw there were round wounds on both of his hands
As my vision unclouded gradually
I noticed that his face had terrible welts
leading down to his neck.
"Are you okay?" I asked, concerned
He laughed endearingly
and said to me:
"Yes, dear. This is the price I paid for all of humanity."
I am confused yet intrigued,
and I ask him to expound on what he's said.
He looks into my eyes,
and there is a split moment in which I experience
this deep sense of recognition,
But my cognitive mind
is having trouble piecing together
these nebulous inklings.
He begins: "You are not alone in your experience
of being scorned, abused, abandoned and wrongly accused."
I look at him puzzled,
for he is merely a altruistic stranger
Who has quite literally saved my life.
But I begin to feel anxious,
wondering how he could possibly know so much about me.
He continues: "I too have experienced all this. I was sent to earth from Heaven by my Father to teach people what unconditional love really is. Since humans are marred by sin, they are incapable of expressing God's kind of love in its purest form. This is why my Father sent me. To embody this Love and liberate people with the Truth of this Love."
"But there were many who hated me for delivering Love and Truth to a dying world. I disrupted the status quo. All these people who had been seeking God religiously rejected God when he came to them in the flesh."
"This all culminated with one of my closest friends deceiving me and delivering me into the hands of my enemies. I was innocent, absolutely blameless, yet they found fault in my purity. They found fault in my refusal to bow down to and conform myself to their customs of *******. I see this spirit in you also. I see this unwillingness to conform and follow along mindlessly with everyone else. You are wise for this. But the world also hates you for exactly this reason."
Tears well up in my eyes,
And I can't keep myself from wailing.
No one has ever known me so well.
But this is a stranger.
I ask him: "Tell me, who are you? What is your name?"
He responds: "I am the Son of God, Jesus of Nazareth.
I know your suffering intimately,
For I was wounded for your transgressions
I was bruised for your iniquities
So that by my stripes you are healed.
I was a blameless man
Who took on myself
The entire punishment of this fallen world
So that you, a wretched sinner,
Can become blameless in the eyes of God
and be set free
from the consequences of sin
which is death.
Though you've been abandoned and left for dead
By this fallen and corrupt world
Keep your focus entirely on God.
Laugh in the face of your every trial,
For what power do dire circumstances have over God?
God will supply you with
His joy, courage and love
in abundance,
Equipping you to spread the seeds
Of this revolutionary truth
about God's unconditional love
to a love-starved world.
Just as I have overcome death,
I have made you an overcomer as well.
Where there is an abundance of light
there can be no trace of darkess.
The darkness of this world
Was overcome by my light.
Chose to accept this legacy of light
and follow in my footsteps."

Let the pain fall down on you,
As you drown in your sadness,
Trying to make sense of this senseless world
Let the pain dissolve your very essence,
Teaching your soul the essential lessons,
On how to be human, how to be a blessing
To others around you who have to live through this stark world as well
The evil is pervasive,
Laced into everything
I shake and cower,
Expecting evil to target me,
Who am I?
Merely a vulnerable human being,
Just like you
What are we fighting for,
Why are we killing?
We call this mental illness,
But I think it's deeper than this
The world is in disarray
We evolutionize out cars and houses and gadgets,
But we live vapid lives
I want to love and laugh and be infinitely joyful,
Without foreboding
I want to be free from the chains of fear,
But how can I be free
In this fearful world?
We live in a beautiful planet
With such rampant violence
There is no more love
In people's hearts
What a brutiful experience,
To be human,
To be here,
On this gorgeous planet
Of chaos.

****, I think
It hurts
It hurts that trauma takes root
Like a thorny rose bush without roses
Stuck in the ground in winter,
A cold, neglected stump

The pain is ingrained
Like tire tracks in a road
Deeply grooved by years of daily repetition
I’ve tried so many times before
To reset my course
But my tires always fall back into those deep, ingrained grooves

I truly don’t understand how some people do it,
How some people make healing seem so effortless
Because healing feels like torture,
At least in the ways I’ve tried to do it
And my system just can’t tolerate torture anymore

So all I can do
Is make peace with my unmet longings
And bow in humility to this miracle of life
Be content with my lot in life,
And let go of the desire for the seamless life that is social media worthy,
But instead cultivate meaning through holy dedication to incremental, sometimes painful change.

When did I ***** these parameters,
From which I can't escape
Since when did I hem myself in so tightly
That I can't breathe, that I refuse to let myself be
I made rules for myself
To deter myself from getting hurt
But these rules are suffocating me,
Suffocating my autonomy
What happened to the days when I proclaimed boldly
That I would grow up to be just like Amelia Earheart
Fearlessly flying beyond any limitations
Until I am boundless,
Beyond the limitation of my body
Why has the trauma of adolescence and the uncertainty of adulthood
Made me such a calculated, cynical being,
Begging the ineffable for meaning?
Digging for the answers of what I'm supposed to be
Can females be forward and pursue their dreams?
Without the fantasy of a man who would provide stability
I guess the world has made me scared
Of the reality of being a woman
That wanting a man
Feels like a necessity, like a security blanket,
Or a gun
To ward off these crimes against womanhood
But it's really a flaw in perspective,
Women may be the victim of ****** oppression,
Being used as flesh mannequins to penetrate and beat,
A weaker vessel on which to release the pent up rage of the patriarchy
But I shall persist, nonetheless,
For when the whole world is against me
I rise
I've been a victim for too long
But in my victimhood I have found that I am strong
And that the only security I need
Is this relentless heart,
Living for a cause
So that maybe oneday, more people's eyes will be open to see,
And soon we'll just be able to breathe
Without all this trauma and worldwide unease
Death has become defeated,
So, I must live without parameters,
I must be fearless.

I can't quite express it
I'm experiencing an outpouring of ideas--
Passions of mine
That have been latent,
Locked down under feelings of
Insecurity and a sense of not being enough.
But the dam that kept my potential locked away
Has cracked.
And a surge of
Beautiful, magical
Passion is bursting through me,
Searching for soil
To plant all my ideas in
So they can grow, gradually,
With the nurture provided by my Passion's
Exuberant love.