So fickle, us humans are
Running through mazes made by our hearts
Explaining with our minds what once eluded us
Right when we seem to arrive at an ultimate conclusion,
Yet again, we are struck by confusion

The mind has silly loops and trivial rationalizations
We think we know what is well for us and define ourselves with good terms like "smart" and "well-adjusted", "responsible", "successful", maybe even "beautiful" or "dapper" if we're feeling especially confident
But we will never be able to observe ourselves without bias,
And even those who are able to observe our strengths and vices still aren't able to escape the lense of their unique and ingrained bias

So what other way is their to say it,
But that we are merely rats stuck in a maze
Trying to transcend the mediocrity of the maze with reason, or imbue it with meaning, or rely on a religious agenda that promises to save humankind from the vexation of the maze
For we have a flickering inkling, an intuition that has no words
That life was meant to be lived outside of the maze,
Free from it's rigorous and soul draining expectations.

Orange sun-ripened
Bliss
Heaven dripping down my lips
Streaming down my sun-kissed skin.

You're the perfect stranger
I just couldn't have arranged this

I was roaming aimlessly in a field layered in snow
Trying to walk across a log above a creek
But I couldn't get to the other side
So I went back

I saw you in the distance
I walked up to the bench that I put my grocery bags down on
Your puppy came right up to me
Once we started talking we couldn't stop

Like two puzzle pieces
We fit perfectly
Everything was smooth and fluid
There was not one moment of strain or awkwardness
Some may call what we experienced chemistry
But I much rather call it serendipity.

You're sad,
You're lonely
There are people all around
But they are draining
Only when your cat, your dog or even your fish
Keep you company
Is when you finally feel understood,
Comforted,
Finally at peace
Your dog rolls up into a ball
And lays his head on your lap,
Your cat
Comes purring
Wrapping her tail around your legs
Your fish
Follows the tip of your finger
Tracing out a heart on the fishbowl

These pets we have
Take such good care of us,
Of our hearts
It's funny,
People have forgotten how to take care of their fellow human's hearts
But our pets, so loyal
Are always by our side,
Offering up their love
Free of cost and conditions.

Pianist playing right now,
thank you for quieting the storm in my mind
It's moments like this one
That cause me to believe in God
Right when I felt like I couldn't bare the storm
within for one second more
You sat down at the piano
in the room next door.

Pine trees tower above my head
Green needles, crisp scent
Snowflakes ride on sharp winds
The cold air fills my lungs
My exhale escapes me in a vaporous puff

The sky is a gentle turquoise
Peppered with wooly clouds
I could get lost in that sky
If only I could climb those towering pines
To reach beyond, pierce through the sky

But I’m bound to this ground,
This redolent earth
Full of life and growth, decay and death
Though I often anxiously seek for answers to questions of transcendence
For now I’ll be content with the simplicity of this earthly life,
Revel in the spontaneous and unexpected, even if I don’t always comprehend it.

Cotton candy and
Pink carnations and
A pink wool baby blanket and
Our cheeks when
Our eyes meet
It's all pink, it's all
So sweet

I'm gonna talk to him
I tell myself everyday
And I never even give you a chance
'Cause when you're close, I run away
It's because I truly fear
That once we talk
All my pent up feelings and fantasies
Will be crystal clear
To you
And what if they scare you
And you run away
Thinking me odd
For my crush,
For me liking you so much?

Well,
It'll be different this time
Yea, I can talk to you,
Without letting you know
How really cool and awesome and
Different I think you are
I'll just say "hello"
And smile
And we'll talk
And become good friends
I'll soon forget all the times
I imagined marrying you
Because I'll be getting to know you,
And who knows,
Maybe you'll turn out to be so much better
Than the man I dreamt you up to be.

The man I let go
Was not mine
He belongs to God
And so do I.

What did you mean
I wasn't acting right?
What did you mean when you uttered those
senseless words into the night?
And I could foretell it all,
But was that because I've common sense?
That when people are passive aggressive and
always treat you with subtle indifference
Things will ultimately implode?
You can only put on the act for so long,
Eventually the performance comes to a close
And you bow to the applauding audience
Regretting the fact that you must return home
to the truth that awaits you there,
that a life of playing it safe and avoiding risk
leaves you small and wanting

But I've found my voice again
It hasn't crept in stealthily,
but is booming through me
Moving through me
And though sometimes it scares me
Because it has the power to shatter worlds
That were never mine
I feel so in love with my voice I wish I never lost
I am so in love with the freedom it is granting me
I am screaming: "I've been set free!"

But the truth is wild and untamed
It hurts as it shoots through my body
Shedding the heavy burdens I've carried past
their expiration dates
This shedding is like the shedding of snake skin
Breaking forth through those old, confining scales
Breathing finally, once again.
I can breathe! I can breathe!
Oh truly, heaven has set me free

Honesty is killing everything that is inauthentic in me
Dousing in gasoline everything that is not in integrity
with my soul
And with one flick of a match
All the lies burn away
All the relationships in which I could no longer remain
Because being real was the last thing these people wanted from me
So, what is killing me must be slain
So I can be free

Now,
I can touch and taste and see my freedom
I've always been different,
And this time I will not apologize for it
Because guess what,
I'm not sorry
And I don't give a **** if you can't deal with that

Maybe all the world will think I'm crazy
For speaking the truth
Because we're conditioned from infant-hood
to pretend our lives away
But with this I'm not okay
I can only be real
I know no other way
And for those years I've pretended,
Well, I'll never get them back
This is why now I live my life
in full fledged passion
Love set in radical action,
For too long I've been hooked into
people pleasing and being passive

But I can't **** myself to please you.

What I really hate about POLITICS
Is the herd mentality it incites
We're choosing sides
And steadfastly holding onto our right to fight
We see division and
spill over with hate
I look at these people wrapped up in and
warped by their politics
While someone's loved one is dying
While another is being born
A butterfly flies in a windy meadow
While someplace else there is a
tumultuous storm
We become blind to this beautiful earth in which we reside
Living within this beautiful sentient gift
Because all we focus on is who is right or
who is wrong
We waste away in our hate
But it's pointless,
Because either way, it doesn't matter anyway
Fifty years from now this will be put down in history
As the worst debate of the century
The youth in the future
will be too absorbed in virtual reality
To care about our country's history.

Now I tell you this,
Do you want a REAL revolution?
The real revolution would be to
LOVE
just love, and don't hate
AT ALL

Right now I see two presidential candidates
going at each other like toddlers
One says: I'm better! You're bad!
The other says: No, I'm best! You're worst!
It's ******* ridiculous
Aren't those supposed to be two grown adults on that
stage?
Well anyway,
What should I expect from a mostly un-awakened country?
This all breaks my heart...

Pure emotions streaming down my cheeks
Like ruby blood streaming
I'm a volcano erupting
Consumed by rage
And my happiness is disintegrating
For I cannot seem to tame
These uncontainable flames

At night the moon's light washes over me
I get down on my knees and beg
To not be like the ones who scarred me
But with every passing day
I see them in me
In all the thoughtless things I do
I was mistreated and overlooked for so long
That finally it feels so free to just be concerned about me

This story I repeat is destroying me
Sabotaging any hope I have for grace
For as long as I live in the shadows of my tragedies
I will continue to be a helpless victim
To these stories of my past

Every night is a variation of the same dream,
Every day passes by too swiftly
As I lag along, barely living, half asleep
Too tired to live out my latent ambitions,
Confined to my bed living the artist's nightmare of unrealized fantasies
A flower hidden, closed amd clamped within itself
Dying to open, reaching to be free
To break free from the daze that is embedded within me
Where is my childlike joy,
Free of all distress?
How do I let go,
To allow in God's best?

Tears well in my eyes
For the sense of powerless-ness I feel
In the pit of my stomach
So powerless to pain
So powerless to evil
I can't change it,
Erase it,
Morph it into something beautiful
Like the end of a Disney movie
When the spell is lifted
And the kingdom is restored

I see masks plastered everywhere
Having a resemblance of depth
But they're merely shallow, bottomless abysses
Echoing their identity that they cling to
I want to say:
"It's all been said before! Can't you see? All these uprisings and rebellions throughout history didn't lead us very far. Our human nature is our persisting scar"
But maybe they'd sneer and call me "un-enlightened"
But really, their ideals are not even in alignment with their lifestyles
It's bizarre how we humans can dream up ideals and a utopia in our mind,
But continue to fail to bring those dreams into physical form
Maybe we're just all not on the same wave length?

I just don't understand
Do some people actually enjoy suffering,
The perpetuators of cruelty?
Or are they programmed to act maliciously by default
Because they were taught that we live in a cruel world
And the only way to survive is by being a sociopath
Or is the source of cruelty the 1 percent,
The filthy rich looking down at us at a Roman ampitheater,
Getting a thrill off our suffering

I want to pick up the whole world in my arms
Like an ailing helpless infant,
This is what our world has become
A toddler who doesn't know better,
That is drawn in by the vibrant glow of the fire
And is burned
I suppose collectively, we just don't know better
That we continue to be self destructive in every possible way,
And we don't even know it or
We even enjoy it...

I don't want to see anymore
Sad, vacant faces
I want to see smiles abounding
And hearts eager to share love and kindness
I want to see change,
I want to feel change,
I want to be change!
I want to change!
I want, the mindset that leads to futility
Rather, what can I do and be for others?
Perhaps this is what we all must focus on.

I run to the shore
I dance on the edge
My emotions are the white flecks
in a snow globe shaken
Aroused and beating
My heart is beating and big
Growing
ever growing
My roots are deep
And now my foliage will show
All that has healed in me
and everything that is yet to heal
Still
I stand still

I run to the waves
I ******* Brave
My courage
My love
I feel special
I feel a quiet gratitude
Gently pulsing within me.

The day is grey
Saturday drowns with rain
It matches my insides
It wets the earth so I don't have to cry.

I hide under covers and believe in lies
Just to keep the sparkle persisting in my eyes
And I'm human too
But I like to solve people like puzzles
Offer free compassion for the weary
But sometimes I feel depleted
When I call out for help, no one can hear me.

Fear is a funny fantasy
Tearing at the very seams of reality
In dreams my fears are played out
Cycled over and over
Imbued in symbols
Yet in the day
I see in bold technicolor
The sky is not just clear and blue
It's neon blue and the clouds are creamy and sparse
And the sky is the reason for my happy celebration
But when the sky turns grey
And storm clouds descend
The sky doesn't merely herald a storm
But it heralds the remembrance of my deep sadness
And as much as I hate to
I'm forced to sit with my pain
As the sky opens up and it rains
But when the storm is over
And the sky shuts it's eyes
Grey clouds soften and roll away
And in a yellow sky
A faint rainbow
Orbs around my sorry town
Subconcious fear fades
As peace invades
As the beauty of nature
Steals words from my lips
And shuts down my overthinking brain
And finally, once again
I can feel the beauty in the pain.

I see a ray of sunlight
Breaking through the clouds
I feel the rain pour down on
The desert grounds
I feel my heart open wide
And a toothy smile emerge on my face
I spin in endless circles
And in my heart there is no pain, not a trace
I am young again,
I am free
I can truly and forever be
I feel the breeze
I feel the water
Of the creek,
It's current grows stronger and stronger
God whispers through the trees
God yells through the forest
God bellows in the mountaintops
You're Healed
You're Whole
You're mine,
Forever child
I'm in your heart
And we are entwined
And I feel fine
I feel sweet
I feel utterly and holy complete
I know God loves me,
Yes, he truly does
He loves me more than anyone can
I fly on wings made up of His love
I am infinite
I am free
I am everything I need to be
I am loved
I am whole
I am a child of God
I am free, can't you see
I'm free I'm free I'm free
From all the trauma that has conditioned me
For LOVE is to strong you see,
To be defeated by calamity
Love is the medicine that restores,
Tranforms,
Heals
Metamorphosizing into a butterfly
Don't give up while you're in your caterpillar stage
Listen to me:
Don't give up
Don't give up
DON'T GIVE UP
We need you
Our world needs you
You will have your wings oneday
And have the ability
To transcend all of your suffering
While you help others with what you learned on your journey
God is with you,
In your heart
And God loves you.

Reach out a hand to me

Because I go home,
Sobbing.

I'm surrounded by people
Making small talk
They only see the surface of me
That's all they ever really care to see

My pain makes me write beautiful words
And when I paint it's like I'm dipping my paintbrushes in the very blood that runs through my veins--
A kaleidoscope of color
Runs down my canvas

But all I want to do is purge this pain,
Heal this wound
Even if it is the catalyst to my creation

I'm so tired of feeling lonely
Being an onlooker to people sharing smiles

When people ask me about myself
It just makes me feel like I'm a loser
Why do you ask me what I do?
What I do for work doesn't define me
Instead, ask me what I love

Am I too cynical?
Have my life experiences ****** me
To the fringes of society?
I smile
But my smile is merely an attempt to hide the tempest deep within me
I laugh,
But silently
My soul screams

Reach out your hand to me,
Don't turn away
To ignore my pain
That leaks through the creases of my face
I need someone to help me
But there is no one
And there will never be anyone to rescue me

I reach out my hand
And press my palm to the mirror
I look into my eyes and say:
"I'm here for you."

Still not good enough*
Echoes in my brain,
It makes me inert,
From living fully I refrain
This world is in chaos,
It seems safer to pull back,
Avoid
What if I showed who I really am,
And people didn't listen,
People didn't care?
I have an ache that needs to be tended to,
I have an ache that needs love
I show this ache to the world,
But I seem to only accrue scorn
It's a pain so massive it makes me wish I weren't born,
I pray that I find just one person,
Who is willing to see me,
In both my glory and misery
I can no longer stand the facades,
Passing faces clothed in lies,
I refuse to wear this mask of my demise
I feel my heart blossoming
Like a sunrise
It must emerge,
Despite the internal apprehension
And the coldness of this world,
I will own these growing pains,
And be real in this world.

We’re taught that real learning is found in structured classrooms
with strict curriculum,
Where old textbooks are graffitied with the names of lost loves and broken dreams
And young social animals
try to find their place within their peers hierarchy

But maybe learning is more than what we find
within the dark halls of school
Maybe learning is truly out there in the real world

It's not all about acing tests
And a perfect GPA
Life’s about
Becoming more human,
Trying, risking, possibly failing
And growing through it all….
And even in our darkest times,
deciding to not close our hearts

School teaches us a lot about competition and perfected performance,
But maybe we ought to reach for something beyond this
Book smarts are vital,
Yet I think we need something more--
Possibly,
A real world education for our hearts.

2012 had been warped by the contents of a vile,
A hallucinogenic liquid that I would put on my tongue
And ingest like a good sport
I so very much liked where it would transport me
Far away from any perceivable misery
I floated out of my body
And my circumstances had no emotional pull over me anymore
But the consequences were beyond therapeutic
I transcended so high
That I became disassociated from my body
And corrupt thoughts sprouted in my mind,
Ones that didn't really belong to me
This liquid separated me from my earthly misery but also cut me off from my human empathy

2012 was about being pretty
It was about being the prettiest girl I could be,
Even while wasting away inside
The first thing I would do in the morning was smoke a joint to myself,
Which would trigger a panic attack, something I had not experienced before that time
And then waste nearly an hour painting my face
And never being satisfied with the end result
That year was surrounded by other pretty girls,
Who were callous and self centered
Who frivolously ignored my intense well of sadness,
Exacerbating my wounds by their self absorption
Every time I reached out my hand to my friends for genuine comfort or alleviation
My hand of slapped back down and instead a joint was passed to me, or a bottle of alcohol, or an adderall, or a bottle of robotussin, or a pill of ecstasy or a liquid hallucinogenic in a vile
And I imbibed and imbibed and imbibed
In a desperate attempt to suppress everything
Up until the point where when I looked into the mirror,
I couldn't recognize myself anymore
I felt so detached from everything,
Including myself

Like all extreme ways of escapism,
Everything ended with intense chaos
Hitting rock bottom
Is God's final and loudest wake up call
I literally ended up stranded in the rain oneday,
With no where to go and no one to turn to
So I was just there, in an unfamiliar place
In the pouring rain,
Sobbing profusely
All the anguish pent up in my body decided to release itself all at that very moment
One of my parents had betrayed me yet again
And I would have to pay a heavy consequence for their lies, for their incessant blame of me for everything wrong in their life
I would have to pay that price for a whole year following
I don't like to think that all things are God's will and that bad things happen for a reason,
But I can't help feeling like all the chaos that led to my wake up call were so integral to me becoming clean,
Because I just know that if I went another year the way I was living I was going to die

The chaos in our lives, the unwanted discord we so desperately try to escape
Is a catalyst to the realization of our true self
Chaos is like fire that burns away all things that aren't in alignment with our indisputable truth
I can't help being grateful for everything that didn't go the way I planned,
Because when my plans failed
I came upon an astronomically more fulfilling path that I didn't even know existed because I was so focused on the plan I had created
What if we stepped into the fire, instead of trying to bypass it
What if we allowed it to consume us, the traits that originate from our ego, until all that is left is our essential self
Our simplest and purest form in which we become agents of love and radical reform,
Selfless and humble vessels of God
Renewed by reliance on Him
And not hustling for our self worth by our own means
Each of us, in our unique way, are heroes,
When we own our war story
And share our transformation produced by surrender to God
Saints who are far from perfect
But courageously living out the truth and love God has planted in our hearts.

Sheer red fabric, embroidered with gold
Rested upon her brown skin,
The peaks and valleys of her body
Sharp edges that descend into soft slopes
Dimensions of her,
Like a living, breathing desert

Her heart is a ruby,
Sought after, rare
She is more than her beauty,
Her sturdy body
Her feet are strong roots
Connected to the earth
Even as she dances,
Twirling round and round
Her hair is dark and dense with curls
Her eyes are wide
And hold in them the entirety of the world's suffering

Her lips speak truth
Like honey pouring through them
She is Spirit embodied,
Red and strong and beautiful
Mystic in skin,
Her Soul is a flame rising.

I always gripped the steering wheel too firmly
Feeling blood coursing through my veins,
Vehemently
Calculating all the pitfalls
But it was too aggravating
So I let go of the wheel
And drove into the wildness of oblivion.

Remember this
As it swiftly drips from your grip
Remember this
As the image your eyes see
Will erode through time
Leaving behind only a fragment in your mind
Remember this
As you look
Blankly into the screen
This life is not all that it seems
It passes by so quickly
So stop and take notice
Absorb and embrace
And try to remember
Before it's all erased.

Remnants of you
Paint my walls
Pepper my subconscious

See the world is melting literally,
And I just can't open my heart
To accept this misery

Tides are rising
My emotions are in hiding
Iron heart, girl set a part
It's a subtle and calculating art
I collect men's hearts
And feel nothing inside.

Remnants of lost hope
Is what you left
In my apartment, in my soul and heart
But see,
I don't care
And that's what really bothers me.

Awakening to this grand mystery
My mind-- blistering
Sitting here
Fidgeting
Thoughts in constant loops spinning
I'm sipping
On consumption
Reaching for more
But wishing for reduction
Production is what we're aiming for
But all I want to do is break this world a part
Because this world is like a broken clock
Still ticking but spinning into chaos
We need to stop the running away
From our problems
Before we spiral into oblivion
Instead, our calling is
To break a part this world
And all it's corrupt systems
So maybe,
In destruction of the old ways and the old world,
A new, loving earth can be born
One in which we will hold each other in inifinite compassion,
An earth beyond our wildest dreams,
The dreams of our innocent childhoods
Before we awoke to
This nightmare.

Return to darkness, return to that subtle hollow ache
Eating me alive
Where the loneliness grows like unruly vines
Where there is no concept of love,
Just hate
Eating at my insides
And giving way to darkness.

The dark, hopeless, too heavy to carry
Too heavy to carry
My shoulders are bleeding
My heart is bleeding
I’m bleeding
I’m bleeding
Drain me.

I look at the world with a forlorn look,
And it scowls back at me
Screams at me
I’m a victim, a sad little girl curled up in a ball
I just want to go far, far away
I want to leave, I want the chaos to stop
I want to feel loved..
These are wild dreams.

Make my home in the darkness,
It’s not changing.

Revolving doors
Spinning round
Only getting back to where I started,
Always

Sometimes I turn around to see
everything I have left behind me
It’s weird to think of who I was
compared now to who I am
I never knew it would be this way
But still, I’m content

It’s just really different you see
Becoming the person
I never knew I could be
So many things on the inside are changing in me
And that’s okay,
I’m happy

I don’t know what the future holds,
I can’t know the indiscernible
I’ll have to put my mind to rest
And open my heart to the unknown
But it always seems
That there is a deep wisdom in me
Only accessible past the mind,
In the silence of peace

As winter descends
I will guard this flame growing in my heart
I live in a cruel world full of endless distractions
But I will remain, standing firmly in love
Now is not the time to cower,
Now is the time to rise above.

No,
I say
Nah, it couldn't be
Yeah, my insecurities are wrecking me
Keeping me safe,
Or so I thought
Yeah,
The most uncertain aspect of my life
Includes you

But tonight
I'll make a calculated jump,
Anyway,
I've been making a lot of leaps lately
Trusting that something will catch me

Cause I know I'll have to take some risks,
To get to where I want to be.

This earth is an endless racing track
Have to keep moving forward
Never look back

I can feel it coming on, an attack
Where's the control
In an life full of lack

Running away from this anxiety
Why am I lying to myself
I want no part in this society

I can't sit still
Something's going on and it's wrong
Won't let society take my free will

Capricious
Gotta put on my running shoes
Gotta get out of here.

Falling down a kaleidoscopic chasm
One you or I could never fathom
I like to keep my eyes closed
because that's when I see the rose
of this tribulation
melting in the womb
of this maternal nation
It's a relation too thin,
like ice
I fall through
I keep falling through
And when I look to you
I see me
The many reflections of humanity.
I have to purge
this darkness
it attaches to my heart
like a forced dance with the devil
I'm always reaching for the stars
But being thrown down to the deepest,
darkest, dankest level
Where I feel nothing,
absolutely nothing.

What is the matter
with this sunflower child
staring deep into my eyes
She means everything and knows nothing,
I know nothing and feel everything
Purge me, purge me
From this feeling
of nothingness and everything
Breaking a part
Seeing for the first time
The blankness of reality
Stark and cold and filled with infinite light.

Went so far down the rabbit hole
That you'd never understand
I behold thee in my imagination
Eyes are portals to the soul that
cause so much elation
and frustration
For thinking I could ever discern real truth,
because truth is simply skewed
It's diluted
My lips wish to speak it,
But my mind is convoluted
And it doesn't know which words to speak
If they'd be understood
by the meek.

Stuck and infinitely running
in this circle,
going round and round
recycled
living, so alive
and stagnant
bursting and bubbling
so, so angry
and yet all I do is smile
and hold back my mind
I wring my wrists
and form fists
I knot my hands behind my back
And lock myself in
Against self-expression,
I decay
Yet another day,
wasted away
on this sovereign conformity
The nest is safe
But I'm ready to fly
and if I don't
I'll continue in this misery--
un-ending, numbing
You'll have to forgive me
Because no longer can I live this way...

Sapphire gems embedded within the deepest hem
Strung by threads of golden hair
Bedazzled with emeralds, cobras dancing
Within the crown of the silver spoon fed
Without body, what are words and form and matter
The operating intelligence looms above and below and within
It renders dreams as reality
And reality is seen as a painted scene on canvas
Ripped by the hand of the Creator
Sheep are as sheep do
Running in circles with hamsters in their heads
Destruction is sweet but living sweeter
Complexity is making your face meaner
Exhale on three and disperse the contention into the air
Drop down into the abyss
And leave your residency here.

Save me from this mind
That festers with fears
And wastes my precious time
Thinking of what could be
But maybe
I've just got to live and see
But my Mind,
Calculating all the time
Comes to me with false data
Look how things didn't work out for other people,
Look, that one died,
That one got tortured,
That one got abused
Those people are dying out in the streets,
Being misused
I say thank you Mind,
For agitating me,
Causing me to loath the fact that
I somehow
got put on this earth,
This twisted place
And how so often I feel like I don't truly belong,
Even though I love
I just feel like
How on earth,
Did I ever end up HERE?
Because I don't belong here,
And neither do you
But it's outliers like us
That will change the world.

It's quiet
Slow like molasses
I hear the children in the background
and the church bells ringing
I love but I still hurt,
this low hollow ache of undigested agony
I covered it with a smile
but it still overcomes me
I am like an ocean
Typically calm and serene
with little bursts of waves
touching people's feet
But storms come unexpectedly
a turbulence that I don't think I can withstand
I am like a light house
standing strong
on the rocky ground
As violent waves crash over me
It's quiet now
But the waves ache deep within
I'm wary of awakening them
And waking my self up to my unease
I just don't want to think anymore
Because I'm scared of crashing down
Just need to listen now
and try to love
despite my wounds.

The sea is a gentle giant
its waves gently tumble over my luminescent skin
sand granules seep through my body's crevices
and sediment temporarily,
wet and caked

The sea feels like
the inside of my mind
Vast and endless
Curious, present
But wandering beyond
To the farthest distance
my eyes can see

But there is something deeper to the sea
subconscious like shadows
and boundless,
without a bottom
where ghouls and demons
throughout the years
have inhabited this foreign place,
deep down inside of me

Where the sun meets the surface
of the rolling waves
That's where the life exists
Yet you only know the sea
By what you see
Though that is not all
there is to it

The deeper you go,
the darker it gets
Life dwindles
only to the monstrous
Stripped down of any
aesthetic beauty
No one ever wants to confront this

For confronting this
Could cost you the illusion
of the life you thought you had.

As a child, I took an art class at the Brooklyn Museum of Art
We’d go to different exhibits and the instructor would explain the context of pieces of artwork
Once us kids stood together,
Looking up at a large canvas polluted with ambiguously painted circles
And the art instructor told us that there was some deeper meaning to it,
Though to our uninitiated young minds,
We couldn’t see this

We went to an exhibit one day full of gods made of stone and wood
Idols, the evangelicals would say
There was a god with a protruding belly and a folded face like a shar-pei
And the instructor pointed to it and uttered its name
I was floored.

My mind raced—
Surely, there couldn’t be other gods besides the one I grew up with,
And yet here I was, surrounded by hundreds of them with names and identifying traits and even faces

When I arrived home I demanded an explanation from my mother,
Who being only a nominal Christian at the time
And not well versed in scripture
Couldn’t give me a satisfactory explanation for what I had seen that day,
She couldn’t provide an explanation that could seal the crack in my perception of reality that had been made

When I badgered her demanding to know God’s name,
Since now I knew God isn’t a name but a title,
And that there were at least hundreds of gods throughout history with names
The only answer she could muster was “lord”
So I continued on in my perplexed state,
Though I stopped inquiring about it

Until my mother became involved with a cult,
Who spoon fed us answers that insure certainty and seal up all the cracks in our perception of reality
With a glue that we aren’t allowed to question
But had to apply liberally to our minds everyday

They provided me a name for this God I thought I had known all my life: Jehovah, they called him
And with God’s new name they provided a personality too:
Jehovah is a god who’s sick of everyone’s **** and is going to destroy everyone in a horrific fashion in Armageddon,
except the true Jehovah’s witnesses plus a few good hearted unbelievers who never had the chance to join the “one true religion”

Nice.

So all my questions were answered...
Until they weren’t
Certainty is a drug like any drug,
It only gives temporary relief
And it wears off and you run out of your supply,
Your body convulses violently
And you can’t stop the screaming in your mind
This certainty was a antidote that could control all of your existential anxieties
But in being exposed to reality,
My false beliefs founded in superstition
Withered in reality’s limelight

Reality bites
Because with reality comes an undeniable truth
A truth that doesn’t have to be rationalized
But is inherent and honest
In an unforgiving way
But honest nonetheless,
And I think I want honesty in my life now,
Yeah
But not the “truth” that religion purports to own,
Giving me the “truth” as long as I adopt its rituals, rules and customs
But the truth that belongs to both ugly and beautiful things,
And how in life there are endless, painful contradictions
And how it can be over anytime for any of us
And how no one really knows for certain when we leave our bodies of flesh if there is a continuation of our consciousness
But I want it anyway,
I want the painful, ****** truth,
And not the lies of certainty.

I pass you everyday,
But you're cooped up and away
in your world of wonders
Strumming your guitar
That lady of polished wood who loves you exactly as you are

I'm dreaming of the day
I'll see you again
Will it flow naturally like our initial interaction
Or will it be stunted and masked-- calculated

You wondered if this was all a pointless game
But here I am,
Wrapped up in this trivial pursuit
What am I chasing after
When I don't truly know you?

But I do, I want to get to know you
But not in some starry eyed kind of way
I just want to get to know you,
Soul to Soul,
Fully exposed

Cause I feel like I haven't been loved well for a long time,
And that's because I haven't been willing to reveal myself,
But even sometimes when I do,
People shun my realness...
But not you

But now I feel disconnected from you,
So very far away
I'm trying to touch you through a screen
I see your beautiful face and I scream
with mounting desire and anticipation
But I halt myself,
and deter myself from opening up

Caged by secrets
I don't intend to tell
But if I would just open my mouth
to dispel my truth
I would be set free from my hell...
There is no other way to this.

I'm doing away with my grandiose dreams
And settling for reality

But reality isn't as enticing
As the extravagant creations
My seeking mind constructs

Reality is boring,
But reality is real
It it forces me to feel

In my bubble of creation
Where I feel like I have so much control
I dream of things that cause celebration
But things can turn ugly quickly
When nightmares feel too real
My mind screams out into
The void of unfeeling in my heart
I reach out my hands, searching
Grasping for stability
On a firm foundation
But I feel cast out in infinite space
Floating, without control

Reality can seem
So much more promising
Though it's tedious at times
And seemingly more dull
Compared to my imaginings

Maybe I can arrive somewhere
Right in the middle of
Reality and Imagination
Grounded creativity
Neither too monotonous or
too ungrounded
With both feet on the ground,
An open heart
And a artistic mind
All working for the same purpose
To bring some healing
Into this world.

I can't seem to understand
These happenings
Scraped and leathered hands
Wipe away the stinging tears
Of this ardous transformation
Saying goodbye to everything
That no longer
Feeds me
Pulling from my old, tight skin
Growing into
The skin I was meant to be in.

A secret collapsed behind ribs,
Tucked back into the furthest recesses
Sitting, contemplating
Commiserating herself
Her thoughts are finches that encircle her mind
Chirping, chirping
Making her blind

When you're lost in thought
It's hard to see
The world around you, and all of
it's possibility
When you're scared to hurt
You're scared to live
Living in a container
Of premeditated caution

What would it be like
To live a shackles free life?
To taste joy again,
To feel the child you suppressed within
Get to experience life again
Through grateful eyes,
A hungry heart
and a mischievous mind....

There is no need to wallow in regret,
We all have times when we're stagnant
But break down the dam to your heart,
Let the waters flow free!
You were meant for so much more
Than mediocrity.