yessir   yessir  yessir yessir yessir
yessir   yessir  yessir yessir yessir
yessir   yessir  yessir yessir yessir
yessir   yessir  yessir yessir yessir
yessir   yessir  yessir yessir yessir
yessir   yessir  yessir yessir yessir
yessir   yessir  yessir yessir yessir
yessir   yessir  yessir **NO!

My sister karen was a manhater
she hated all men
deliriously
she would sit on the top
of the bunkbed she shared with sue
and with one finger curl her hair
then pull it out by the roots
it was quite disturbing
she would spend hours
every saturday doing this
until she had almost no hair left
the family worried for her

During the week when I would
come home from school (I think
I was around 7 or 8) karen (being
older and bigger) would run up to me
kick me in the gut
push me to the floor
jump on top of me
grab me by the ears
and pound my head
on the floor until
my brains fell out
this went on for several weeks
until I told my parents and
they finally put an end to it

One night sue didn't want to get caught
eating an apple in bed
so she put the core in the toilet
and it clogged it
we (all four of us)
were awakened in the middle of the night
and had to line up so my mother
could beat us with a belt
until someone confessed
I was tired so I said okay
I did it
I got a good belting that night
I was suspended from school
for a week because the teacher
complained that the welts on my back
were bleeding so profusely that
lt was interrupting the learning process
of the other children

One day I was coming home from school
and I got caught in a hailstorm
I got pelted really good
Lucky for me Mr. Doty was home for lunch
so I took cover under
his light blue ford f-series pick-up truck
hail as big as golf *****
some the size of baseballs
continued to rain down
I don't know for how long
because I fell asleep

"What were you doing under there?"
he questioned as he was shaking my arm
awakening me
(I quess he thought I was messing around
or something)
I came to and stated
"THE GOLF ***** WERE FALLING
I NEEDED A PLACE TO HIDE"
"oh" he said
"you mean to tell me you were in THAT?"
"yessir" I replied
"well, your schoolday's almost over,
maybe you should go home and rest"
"yessir"
And I went home and rested

When karen turned eighteen
she married a wife beater
for nearly ten years he would
ugly 'er up
finally she couldn't take anymore
and divorced him

But she was only following tradition
my grandpa beat his wife
my father beat his wife
and al beat karen

Yep, those three knew
how to really take a beating

But, not from a hailstorm

Danimal Dan was Green, reusing every hand-me-down
the dumpster offered.
stipend half our middle class allowance, so the Danimal
could get his fix in unison with ours.
slab dual twenties in his oily callous hands.

while sluggin N’ sloshin’ his cheap wine,
the Danimal returns heroic, with red lips
and pink teeth, handing us “licka” boasting new
apocalyptic theories
the sky is full of creatures,
deys plottin’ yessir, pilots
   known for years, but Big
Washington Wiggies, keep
Uhmmmm zipped, yessir
hired dem creatures, “population
control” to **** eat America
leaving only the Finest.

the Danimal’s vision flashes, giant winged
Salamanders kamakazie dive from the sky.
fat white collar Cons offer bribes as they ****
fantastic fear all over their linen pants.
some auction children as the Danimal
arrives with an army of America’s finest
staggering out of
back alley bars & soup
kitchens
they shake Salamander hands
Slurring welcome
with Bourbon breaths

greasy hands
and rusty tools
bolts and shop rags
that dry my tough skin
i see the clock tick down
as me and my brother work away
the money makes us patient
because our time awaits
sick back crack the tall tops
and shots bring back the days when we sat on bar stools and talked ****
but when the magazine cover cops our last names
we will be sittin in the shade and our dickies are in the dryer waiting to be folded
creased and soon we will be pampered on
and we will sit back and smoke cigs and talk about the days when we talked about gettin rich
now were rich and talking about what we will do next
paychecks are old news
the new girls are old news
and the old news are our new stories
just sittin and listenin to wu tang
and sparkin up mexican bluegrass
and not cashin in our g pass
flippin pages
flippin pages

I wrote a poem recently.
Not so much a poem,
more like a story;
a story of love,
kind of like a love story.
Sure,
it was the best love story
we've never read.

There were romances,
struggles,
some revelations
and resurrections...
even a few bruised egos.
Blah,
blah.

Yessir,
a bayside view of
false paradise
if I'd ever seen one;
some dogeared page
ripped out of a
journal written in ink
and found in the gutter.

No beginning or end.
Just a thought.
A memoir
of a fantasy that should've just
been
and never had to explain itself.

a harelipped man walked into a liquor store and walked up to the proprietor and said gimme a bottle of gin.

and the proprietor said to himself  "why THIS dumb *******. I'll have some  fun with him!"

He said "What kind  would you like?"

"You mean theres more than one kind?"

"Yessir theres 3"

"What are they?"

"Hydrogen, Oxygen and Nitrogen"

"Thats right" Said the harelip.

and theres three kinds of turds too.

"What do you mean?"

"Mustard. Custard. AND YOU YOU BIG SACK OF ****!"

Magic mirror on the wall
tell a story, lies are fine
and so am I
just the other day a feller said
my, what great curves youu have
cars and such were never an interest
just a stupid investment
waste of time and money
late late for a very important slate
a new one
out with the old, in with the innovative
get creative
it's impossible
too broad, minds can be narrow as rails
trains pass through
rumbling, rumbling like rockslides in canyons
you in?
Fun can be naughty
not like when you're a child
no
that fun was preconceived frivolty
but this **** hear
yessir, this is real fun
you got it ***
maybe spark some interest in the papers
words with more words
darling tell me a story
make it **** good
about a princess who isn't beautiful
but still pretty, in a rather unnoticeable way
and make her a ****** who loves fire
take it up
makes me all sleepy
when your mirror talks in such silliness.

The Most Boring American Legion Meeting Ever

A Monologue in Two Parts

I.

Voice:

“Ya wanna talk prostrate1 cancer? I’ll tell ya
About prostrate cancer those PSAs
Don’t mean nothing and those doctors don’t know
Nothin’ I’ve had 15 on my PSA

“Ever since when and I ain’t got prostrate cancer
But this feller I knew he had a one on his
PSA and he had stage five cancer
And he died, so don’t tell me nothin’ about

“Prostrate cancer ‘cause I go the meetings
And so I know, I tell ya, yessir, I do…”


1Prostate, of course

II

Same Voice:

“Say, did y’all have any good buffets in Iraq
Or that other place Afghanistan
The buffets in Manila were expensive,
I tell ya, expensive, they cost forty dollars,

“Yessir, they did, and that was right down the street
From the embassy and that was too much
Just too much for what ya got, I tell ya
And they gave us ‘phone cards and they were made

“Right there and sixty minutes disappeared
Off it right when you dialed the number, yessir…”

L’Envoi

A Second Voice (in pain, weak, much like the voice of the Bleeding Sergeant in Macbeth):

“I move we adjourn.”

My dad was on Omaha Beach but he
didn’t talk much about it so now
I’m going to take the rest of the day
to tell you all that he didn’t much talk about
we broke the Enigma code yeah we did
you can always tell a real veteran by
his thousand-yard stare, yessir, I know stuff
we kicked the Germans’ butts but he didn’t talk
much about it if not for us the French
would be speaking German yeah man yeah
when I was in graduate school but he
didn’t talk much about it we saved the world
when I was in graduate school when I
saw Patton those liberals in academia
he had this thousand-yard stare them snowflakes
wouldn’t hit Omaha Beach now they’d be browning
their pants when I was in graduate school
but he didn’t talk much about it yeah
that M-1 was the best battle implement
ever devised I got me one and boy
it’s got some serious stopping power yessir
I just love to go out to the range and pop some caps
with that bad boy the French are cheese-eating
surrender monkeys we can’t depend on the Italians
but he didn’t talk much about it when I
was in graduate school thousand-yard stare
my dad was there he didn’t talk much about it
here is a youtube about it if only
those snowflakes would watch Patton they’d learn something
left-wing academia he didn’t talk much about it
when I was in graduate school yeah man
I seen it on Band of Brothers liberal elites
Macron Macron Macron first front second front
‘cause I know stuff I got a whole liberry
but he didn’t talk much about it if not
for us yeah you’d all be speaking German
we saved France’s **** when DeGaulle told us
he wanted all American soldiers out of France
we asked him if that included the thousands
of American soldiers in French cemeteries
and that sure shut him up ha ha ha
bet you never heard that before and then
there was these old veterans at the airport
and this Frenchy asked them for their passports
and this old man had to look for his
and this Frenchy asked this veteran if he
had been in France before and this veteran
said he had and then this Frenchy he said
then you know you need to have your passport
ready and this here old veteran said that he
was at Normandy and there wasn’t no Frenchies
to give it to and you could hear a pin drop
ha ha I bet you never heard that one before
When I was in graduate school when I
was on my gap year but he didn’t talk much about it
snowflake liberal elites in academia
I love me my AK-47 that son
spits out some serious lead but he didn’t
talk much about it…


Me? Like, I had this deferment, my feet,
but I know all about it ‘cause I watch John Wayne
and my dad was in it so I guess he ought to know
and he was in a real war; you were only in
like you know them A-rabs and stuff…

This is a song that I call
I beat the mountain
And it ends
with I am dead

I beat the mountain yessir
I beat the mountain
Don't just pretend
that it hurts

I beat the mountain dallas
I beat the mountain
I beat the mountain alice
I beat the mountain
I beat the mountain
I beat the mountain

There's a place in this world
Where you can go to climb to heaven
It's in the Himalayan Mountains
in south, east, central asia

It takes a week to walk to the mountain
And one more week to reach the air
And there is no air at the top
And you freeze your face off there
  
And so I walked to the mountain
And I reached higher ev'ry day
And I breathed in the air
And took pictures of the mountain
  
Now that mountain presents a challenge
Says "Don't come near me if you dare"
For I will slay you on this mountain
I have before ; I will again
  
Uh-Oh the challenge of that mountain
The challenge in the air
The challenge of that mountain
The challenge of that mountain
  
And I climbed the mountain
Yes I did, I climbed the mountain
I climbed the mountain
I climbed the mountain
  
You think the sun, when it hits your head
That you're blinded or you're dead
You think the sun, when it hits your head
It warmed your head but, it didn't
  
But I kept climbing, I kept ahead
Going higher and higher, no more air
But there's more mountain, so there
It's all a joke, just on you, not all of humanity
Most people know better and
Stay away from the mountain
It bites off your head
Takes your fingers and toes
And nose from you and leaves you dead
Takes your brain, makes you delirious
Makes you crazy in the brain, I'm serious
So stay away from the mountain

Stay away from the mountain
Stay Away!  Stay away from the mountain
Stay Away!  Stay away from the mountain
Stay Away!  Stay Away, Far Far Away!

Cause I climbed up that mountain
Yes I did, I climbed that majic mountain
Yes I did, I climbed the mountain
I'm full of dread 'cause I am dead

i'm a polyamorous bi-curious ***-machine girl
yessir i am.

i love my daddy
that never gave a ****
and would have rather
been with drunk women
which may be why
i feel beautiful
when i drink.

and by god
i love my cousin
that loved a young girl's body
and couldn't resist
touching mine
which may be why
i'm entranced
by a woman's form.

and holy hell
i love my ex
that grew cold
and became violent
over the smallest things
which may be why
i enjoy
being abused.

and jesus christ
i like my boyfriend
that truly loves me
and treats me right
which may be why
i don't know
how
to
love
him.

Yessir I have felonies
and melodies both melancholy and miraculous
paragraphiculous and ridiculous
stole some shows and some thunder
thighs like two day old pudding slap 'em and ride the waves
sike
drink up some dishwasher detergent chased with lead paint
not for the faint of heart just the stupid as ffffffffuuuuuu when under the right noises
and boyses and girlies all singing their swirlies
and twirlin' 'round like pinwheels of tin steel
ten feet off of the ground
hillsides like pill boxes full of coins and coincidences
unmeasured instances of grief and shame without a blame
no face to force hate just mirrors to show fate
and the stars in the sky with their winking teasing ways all
fall to the ground
will be dead within days
but they are not forsaken, maybe only spared
to avoid seeing the moment when sunny didn't share
and all went dark like absence of creation
animation of fears all mixed and respun into dope dubstep
to be grinded and mashed
and spat back up into the trees