its hard to write when your mind is empty,
like your brain can't put together the words right.
every time i glance at the blank page
i catch my breath,
and my eyes trail in and out of focus.
i don't know if it's out of frustration,
or whatever else,
but its like my head sinks below the water for a minute,
whenever i pick up a pen.
writing shouldn't feel like drowning, yea?
so why does it feel like drowning?

its hard to write when your hand isn't steady,
like its trying to run away from the words.
an unsteady hand is the enemy of poetry,
so i guess i can say that,
when people ask me
why i can't do the things i love anymore.
why my days are spent inside,
shades drawn.
maybe i can say that i can't see the notebook,
that's why i haven't been writing.

what i don't say
is that i don't
want
to see it.

these days, words weigh on my mind like cement.

i actually did own a doberman pinscher called axl... yes: no e in the same. ****** was mad, what do you expect? his ears were sliced so he could look like some urukai orc of isengard... try trimming the ears of a human being: to then pretend "think" they'll be wiser... that part where they chop of the tail of a doberman? i wasn't around when that happened, i can clearly picture the plastic surgery on my axl... so what am i going to say about circumcision? makes the ******* mad! they're sending ****-picks to people... how about i just watch you smile? is circumcision the ideal motivation for preserving life? like you need the complete vuvla to be attracted by it? ******* surely isn't fun with that revision... just as much as saying: a billion ching changs... or we could do away with the lips and call these people the todkompflächeln; personally? i'd begin the aesthetic surgery on the ears, maybe making a few "elves" would help the situation... otherwise m.g.m. gets no mention, because those ******* don't even know what ******* with one feels like: i can peel mine back for *******... but you can't cloak with one during the grand practice of: taking a ****.

billions... it's starting to look very much like a *****,
given the character names... i mean: wags?
next season is bound to invoke the nick
*****... it has become an existential prison,
since the moon landing: bye bye
the brothers grimm and the fairytale...
i know this because someone has already
made the same conclusion...
billions? who'd i like to doppelgänger?
   mike wagner... scalp him, skin him, whatever,
i am trying to believe that i don't have
that wry smile of his when writing this,
the cheaky chappy type of smile,
what i can tell you is what happened yesterday
after my drinking session ended...
spring's impeding, *******, i'm going to
watch more television since i'll be sad having
moved from, what could be best described
as alaskan funfair... night by the 5pm mark...
i sometimes get the shakes...
but only out of anger, that boils down to
my neighbour complaining that i sometimes
lose the plot and say things aloud...
the boundaries i'm crossing is equivalent to a bird
singing in the night...
    but last night, was, spectacular...
   i forgot what chess even was...
   i had heidegger's *ponderings ii - vi
(in hardback) on the windowsill...
                       i had a crescent version and a complete
version of amitriptyline (25mg)...
       nurse! scalpel i'm getting a headache!
    ami-tri-pty-line (ptee line? or pti lean?
yes, lean, no fat on it;
   so as i was about to get the sucker punch
i was playing imaginary dominos
even if just that, or throwing invisible dice,
exchanging positions of these two pills
            and four swan (brand) filter tips...
i do remember saying something into the night,
what it was? i don't know.
            so it was either dominos or "throwing"
dice on a book on the windowsill,
moving the one complete pill and the other
bitten off crescent (what's that? about 13mg?)...
and the filter tips...
                and it was on a hardcover surface
of a book on a windowsill...
             i knew i would take the plunge at
some point, the question was when that would happen;
i don't know what i had to even cherish
the grace of thought at that moment...
the next oddity came with an empty glass
and trying to balance it on the parapet ledge...
it turned out to be a case of fractions...
     the tipping point stood at: two thirds...
it would never be done in halves, and certainly not
quarters...
              see... mm... money is fascinating
as a concept, how it was arrived at;
  i can know the man who invented the lightbulb
(jefferson, right? ol' tommy)... money?
   no clue... who could have "blinded" the greeks
to the extent where we stand now?
      the more i drink the more i think that this
cann't lead to any sort of accomplishment other than
the stated words...
    i do really retract into speaking verse that
i never write down... it's there one minute, gone the next;
but that domino / dice thing with 1.5 sleeping pills
and 4 cigarette tips (yes, i can roll a cigarette
like a machine, so the tips were not ***** by tokes
to remind people of marmite / vegemite of australia
colouring): i smoke cigarettes thinking about a sun-tan.
why was i doing this?
don't know, what's the point of playing domino
or throwing dice to gamble?
                     there is a chiral point to be made,
or at least a parallel point...
         a chiral-parallelism, as is the case with concept
of parallel per se...
such that title suggests i stole "something" that actually
steals...          hollywood and cuckoos...
      there are always two ways of saying the same
thing: moving forward, however dichotomous those
sayings are...
                  since that approach later turns into
a dualism that then eats at psychologism and morphs
into monism and: we're back at square one.

Em
Pty-
Means
I'm on
E.E.E,
Need a fill
Up please,
Not the watered down
Dreams- Em
Pty- need full,
I'm not a fool
For fools, I'm not
A girl for tools,
Or imaginative planning.
Words mean
So little
Actions are high betting,
Actions mean all
When the words are
Anecdotal guessings.
Show me act-----
Ions-------- I'll show
You my wo-rd-s
By my
Actions!

it,s hot. the sun bubbled effervescent laughter
ringing star fortress. in their hands i hold
a key (choleric) and.

      so unlocked open closed. delicious. i couldn't
clasp the rhythm rainbow raining sweetly from
the singing cords contracting across the pale sheet.
and lost me my i try but can't fly.

     flicker little, as you fade into the organized disorder of
the crisp hills released on my eyes slicing your golden succulents.

                                    how can i be,without,you?in the darkness of
      
           my       em
                             pty

check your center is this where i am where am i flee flee time is time is what time does and time is wasting light like a winter's day
and to wish that everyday would end faster and faster will just shorten the life to vibration and guitar strings

there was once a time when everyone was kind; no, there was never such a thing
but yes that doesn't matter and yes we can go one yes i will go on
beating on like Caraway into the past no yes the sky is cracking remember that one
film that one that so specific film no? no. i can't remember either i hope she loves me still
some way the gleam in her eye seems to be a little uh and little em
pty like that glass You have right in your hand give me a sip please

everyone's busy complaining about their own dreams but when they come up suddenly it's not enough, and that's your fault i think not minepleasestopthis please you're sitting there with that look on your face like ha-ha you're sad lock me up then

she loved me tell me she loved me please you destroy worlds right come on and tell me if you can let me know then there's the door and here i go
oh now you want me to stay because i'm enough right tell me i'm good
wait
hold on
i'll let you check your ****** notes one more time you haven't rehearsed this moment much have you
oh but you know everything and protect everyone
FREE WILL written on the wall there i see
wonderful and original, as everyone else is through lava rivers and the fire soaks me dry

is this it is this tell me she loves me his hand over her shoulder why do i even care still i said i quit so i quit
i don't think anyone can be ashamed to quit because we're living in a time where we think everyone deserves to please another with their accomplishments whether the mental or the physical
(oh great congratulations on your marriage)
well no one deserves to see my love if everyone expects it pay me just pay me
look at you you're disgusting ha-i'm sorry i meant i'm disgusting
we're all disgusting you and me
we're both one of kind so thanks for listening i guess (just look at you)
i know i know you love me and want the best for me
FREEWILL
words get closer every  time i look every time ilook everytimeilook-