To all the ******* who don't
Know what is and isn't important
For their own **** good.
A *****, rigid, spiked, smelly
One finger salute for each
And every one of you.

This ******* throws his kids
Out into the streets in November.
Big man of the house who trys so
Desperately to be intimidating,
With a ****** back and a
Horrible stench of alcohol on his breath.

This ******* who thinks she's special.
The stuck up ***** that too closely
Resembles a plump ****** carrot.
Who thinks the perfect guy is a hairless
Fruity smelling mommy's boy *****
With perfect flippy hair and a big ****.

This *******, the few, the proud,
The fruity smelling mommy's boy *****
Who wouldn't know a pair of pliers
If they were ripping off his sparkly earrings.
Never having an ounce of dirt on his hands,
But at least she... I mean he has nice teeth.

This ******* that can't tell one honest
Fact about his "hard and lonely" home life.
The one who nods and laughs but just wants to ****.
Who beats off to his computer after taking a hit
That he bummed off his rich friends.
Who is confused as to why some people (me) hate him.

This ******* who screws with the emotions
Of one of the best guys ever to glide through her life.
Who throws him on a roller coaster with smiles
And flirtatious giggling while she lets him kiss her.
Then throws him to the side and takes the next in line.
I wish only the very best for you, you ****** *****.

Those ******* who abuse, torment
Or play with someone who just wishes the best.
The ones who hurt the vulnerable
To feel better for themselves.
No one deserves the **** you give,
Except each and every one of you.

Honorable mention to those *******
That complain about all men being the same
When in reality they're just searching for
The same type of meat headed ******
Every time they have such a painful terrible
Breakup. Just shut the **** up. For real.

[Intro: John Legend]
Let's play the blame game, I love you, more
Let's play the blame game for sure
Let's call out names, names, I hate you, more
Let's call out names, names, for sure
I'll call you ***** for short
As a last resort, and my first result
You call me ******* for long
At the end of it you know we both were wrong

[Hook: John Legend]
But I love to play the blame game, I love you more
Let's play the blame game for sure
Let's call her names, names, I hate you, more
Let's call her names, names, for sure

[Verse 1: Kanye West]
On a bathroom wall I wrote
"I'd rather argue with you than be with someone else"
I took a **** and dismiss it like "**** it"
And I went and found somebody else
**** arguing and harvesting the feelings
Yo, I'd rather be by my ******* self
Till about two a.m. and I call back
And I hang up and I start to blame myself
Somebody help...

[Hook]

[Verse 2: Kanye West]
You weren't perfect but you made life worth it
Stick around, some real feelings might surface
Been a long time since I spoke to you in a bathroom
Gripping you up, ******* and choking you
What the hell was I supposed to do?
I know you ain't getting this type of **** from that local dude
And if you are I hope you are having a good time
Cause I definitely be having mine
And you ain't finna see a mogul get emotional
Every time I hear bout other ****** is strokin' you
Lying, say I hit you, he sitting there consoling you
Running my name through the mud, who's provoking you?
You should be grateful a ***** like me ever noticed you
Now you noticeable and can't nobody get control of you
One a.m. and can't nobody get a hold of you
I'm calling your brother's phone like what was I supposed to do?
Even though I knew, he never told the truth
He was just gon' say whatever that you told him to
At a certain point I had to stop asking questions
Y'all got dirt on each other like mud wrestlers
I heard he bought some coke with my money
That ain't right girl
You getting blackmailed for that white girl
You always said Yeezy I ain't your right girl
You'll probably find one of them "I like art"-type girls
All of the lights, she-was-caught-in-the-hype girl
And I was satisfied being in love with the lie
Now who to blame, you to blame, me to blame
For the pain and it poured every time when it rained
Lets play the blame game

[Hook]

[Verse 3: Kanye West]
"Things used to be, now they not
Anything but us is who we are
Disguising ourselves as secret lovers
We've become public enemies
We walk away like strangers in the street
Gone for eternity
We erased one another
So far from where we came
With so much of everything, how do we leave with nothing?
Lack of visual empathy equates the meaning of L-O-V-E
Hatred and attitude tear us entirely" - Chloe Mitchell

[Hook x2: Kanye West]
I can't love you this much
No, I can't love you this much

[Verse 4: Kanye West]
And I know that you are somewhere doing your thing
And when the phone called it just ring and ring
You ain't pick up but your phone accidentally called me back
And I heard the whole thing
I heard the whole thing, the whole thing, the whole thing

["The Best Birthday": Chris Rock]
Ohh my God
Baby you done took this **** to another mother ******* level!
Now a neighborhood ***** like me
Ain't supposed to be gettin no ***** like this
*******, *******!
Who taught you how to get **** for a *****?
(Yeezy taught me)
You never used to talk *****, but now you ******* disgusting
My, my God, where'd you learn that?
(Yeezy taught me)
Look at you mother ******* **** *** naked...
With them mother ******* Jimmy Choos on
Who taught you how to put some Jimmy Choos on?
(Yeezy taught me)
Yo you took your ***** game up a whole 'nother level
This is some Cirque du Soleil ***** now! ****!
You done went all ***** on a *****, okay? And I, and I love it...
And I thank you, I thank you, my **** thanks you!
How did you learn, how... how did your ***** game come up?
(Yeezy taught me)
I was ******* parts of your ***** I'd never ****** before
I was in there like oh **** I never been here before
I've never even seen this part of ***** town before
It's like you got this **** re-upholstered or some ****
What the **** happened?
Who, who the **** got your ***** all re-upholstered?
(Yeezy re-upholstered my *****)
You know what, I got to thank Yeezy
And when I see that *****, I'm-a thank him. I'm-a buy his album
I'm-a download that ******* I'm-a shoot a bootlegger!
That's how good I feel about this *****
Oww, I still can't believe you got me this watch
This ******* is the exact ******* I wanted!
Even with the bezel! This is the ******* I wanted
I saw this ****, I saw it, Twista had this **** on in The Source
I remember, Twista had this ******* on in The Source
That's right, that's right! Yo yo babe, yo yo this is the best birthday ever!
Where you learn to treat a ***** like this?
(Yeezy taught me)
Yeezy taught you well, Yeezy taught you well

Dear *******,

          This is the hateful letter. This is the one in which I tell you how much of a ****-head you are and how I am so much better off without you, so thanks for leaving me. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. This is where I tell you that you’re an idiot if you ever thought I depended on you for my self-worth, because I don’t need you for validation, and I never have. I was trucking along just fine before you came along, and will continue to do so without you, so you can go **** yourself.
          This is the part where I call you a dumb-*** for saying all those things you said. If you weren’t trying to hurt me, you must be an idiot to think that it was a good idea to say what you did. I’ll tell you that it ****** me off to realize that you obviously didn’t know me as well as I thought you did. It ****** me off that our communication was clearly not functioning like it should have been.
          And I’ll tell you how ******* livid it makes me that you just sat there and thought and thought and ******* thought about this while I was still writing ******* poems for you. I am angry at how oblivious I was, which I also blame on you. I blame you for being so introspective and quiet, for needing to think important issues through in your head, only with yourself, before you can voice them, and I am angry because you thought and thought and ******* thought and made a decision that was logical from the inside of your head and you were confused by my reaction because, surprise! Owen’s-head-logic is not the same as Katie-is-being-broken-up-with-logic. And that’s where your speech faltered, where I stopped saying the lines that you wrote for me in your script, and that’s when all of those stupid words came tumbling out of your stupid head and things continued to not go as planned and it all eventually cumulated in this: zero contact. I know it’s not what you wanted but you’re a dumb-***. If you were smarter about it, we may still have been talking, but you said all of the exact wrong things. So I am angry at you for hurting me with your idiotic words, but I am also angry at you for pushing me away. I may have liked to still be talking to you, but all of the **** that came out of your mouth just ruined whatever chance we could have had, so way to go. You are a ruiner - and so concludes the part where everything is always your fault.
          This is the part where I understand where you’re coming from, I would have broken up with me too if I were you, I know it’s hard for you to put your words together sometimes, I know your (brutal) honesty only comes from a place of love, I know you love me, I know you miss being my friend…and so on.
          That last section makes me sadder than I am willing to be at this point, so I think I’ll stick with anger for the time being and you can **** my nonexistent ****, *******.

Your Ex-Girlfriend.

he came to the door one night wet thin beaten and
terrorized
a white cross-eyed tailless cat
I took him in and fed him and he stayed
grew to trust me until a friend drove up the driveway
and ran him over
I took what was left to a vet who said,"not much
chance...give him these pills...his backbone
is crushed, but it was crushed before and somehow
mended, if he lives he'll never walk, look at
these x-rays, he's been shot, look here, the pellets
are still there...also, he once had a tail, somebody
cut it off..."

I took the cat back, it was a hot summer, one of the
hottest in decades, I put him on the bathroom
floor, gave him water and pills, he wouldn't eat, he
wouldn't touch the water, I dipped my finger into it
and wet his mouth and I talked to him, I didn't go any-
where, I put in a lot of bathroom time and talked to
him and gently touched him and he looked back at
me with those pale blue crossed eyes and as the days went
by he made his first move
dragging himself forward by his front legs
(the rear ones wouldn't work)
he made it to the litter box
crawled over and in,
it was like the trumpet of possible victory
blowing in that bathroom and into the city, I
related to that cat-I'd had it bad, not that
bad but bad enough

one morning he got up, stood up, fell back down and
just looked at me.

"you can make it," I said to him.

he kept trying, getting up falling down, finally
he walked a few steps, he was like a drunk, the
rear legs just didn't want to do it and he fell again, rested,
then got up.

you know the rest: now he's better than ever, cross-eyed
almost toothless, but the grace is back, and that look in
his eyes never left...

and now sometimes I'm interviewed, they want to hear about
life and literature and I get drunk and hold up my cross-eyed,
shot, runover de-tailed cat and I say,"look, look
at this!"

but they don't understand, they say something like,"you
say you've been influenced by Celine?"

"no," I hold the cat up,"by what happens, by
things like this, by this, by this!"

I shake the cat, hold him up in
the smoky and drunken light, he's relaxed he knows...

it's then that the interviews end
although I am proud sometimes when I see the pictures
later and there I am and there is the cat and we are photo-
graphed together.

he too knows it's ******* but that somehow it all helps.

Go ahead and try and take advantage
Of the situation that you’ve created
You’ve got an unhappy customer on your hands
A mad *******
That’s so impatient
Demanding his previous payment
No empty threats or bluffs
Just concrete threats,
That will be kept
And Carried out
If I don’t get the real deal
Or my previous payment
Tire slashes in your wheels
Heinous phone calls
Broken windows,
Mark your peril,
It’s only the beginning
It’ll only get worse,
If you keep me waiting,
You haven’t heard the last,
Perils and danger
Mark you every step
Go ahead and try and take advantage
Of the situation that you’ve created
You’ve got an unhappy customer on your hands
That’s so impatient
Demanding his previous payment
You better watch your back
And realize that this is a result
Of you attempting to take control
Of the situation you created
You got a crazy mad ******* on your hands
Demanding his previous payment
No empty bluffs all concrete threats
That will be kept
If I don’t receive the real deal or my previous payment

1969 Hartford art school is magnet for exceedingly intelligent over-sensitive under-achievers alluring freaks congenital creeps and anyone who cannot cut it in straight world it is about loners dreamers stoners clowns cliques of posers competing to dress draw act most outrageous weird wonderful classrooms clash in diversity of needs some students get it right off while others require so much individual attention one girl constantly raises her hand calls for everything to be repeated explained creativity is treated as trouble and compliance to instruction rewarded most of faculty are of opinion kids are not capable of making original artwork teachers discourage students from dream of becoming well-known until they are older more experienced only practiced skilled artists are competent to create ‘real art’ defined by how much struggle or multiple meanings weave through the work Odysseus wants to make magic boxes without knowing or being informed of Joseph Cornell one teacher tells him you think you’re going to invent some new color the world has never seen? you’re just some rowdy brat from the midwest with a lot of crazy ideas and no evidence of authenticity another teacher warns you’re nothing more than a bricoleur! Odysseus questions what’s a bricoleur teacher informs a rogue handyman who haphazardly constructs from whatever is immediately available Odysseus questions what’s wrong with that? teacher answers it’s low-class folk junk  possessing no real intellectual value independently he reads Marshall McLuhan’s “The Medium Is The Message” and “The Notebooks of Leonardo da Vinci” he memorizes introductory remark of Leonardo’s “i must do like one who comes last to the fair and can find no other way of providing for himself than by taking all the things already seen by others and not taken by reason of their lesser value” Odysseus dreams of becoming accomplished important artist like Robert Rauschenberg Jasper Johns Andy Warhol he dreams of being in eye of hurricane New York art scene he works for university newspaper and is nicknamed crashkiss the newspaper editor is leader in student movement and folk singer who croons “45 caliber man, you’re so much more than our 22, but there’s so many more of us than you” Odysseus grows mustache wears flower printed pants vintage 1940’s leather jacket g.i. surplus clothes he makes many friends his gift for hooking up with girls is uncanny he is long haired drug-crazed hippie enjoying popularity previously unknown to him rock bands play at art openings everyone flirts dances gets ****** lots of activism on campus New York Times dubs university of Hartford “Berkeley of the east coast” holding up ******* in peace sign is subversive in 1969 symbol of rebellion youth solidarity gesture against war hawks rednecks corporate America acknowledgment of potential beyond materialistic self-righteous values of status quo sign of what could be in universe filled with incredible possibilities he moves in with  painting student one year advanced named Todd Whitman Todd has curly blond hair sturdy build wire rimmed glasses impish smile gemini superb draftsman amazing artist Todd emulates Francisco de Goya and Albrecht Durer Todd’s talent overshadows Odysseus’s Todd’s dad is accomplished professor at distinguished college in Massachusetts to celebrate Odysseus’s arrival Todd cooks all day preparing spaghetti dinner when Odysseus arrives home tripping on acid without appetite Todd is disappointed Odysseus runs down to corner store buys large bottle of wine returns to house Todd is eating spaghetti alone they get drunk together then pierce each other’s ears with needles ice wine cork pierced ears are outlaw style of bad *** bikers like Hell’s Angels Todd says you are a real original Odys and funny too Odysseus asks funny, how? Todd answers you are one crazy ******* drop acid whenever you want smoke **** then go to class this is fun tonight Odys getting drunk and piercing our ears Odysseus says yup i’m having a good time too Todd and Odysseus become best friends Odysseus turns Todd on to Sylvia Plath’s “The Bell Jar” and “Ariel” then they both read Ted Hughes “Crow” illustrated with Leonard Baskin prints Todd turns Odysseus on to German Expressionist painting art movement of garish colors emotionally violent imagery from 1905-1925 later infuriating Third ***** who deemed the work “degenerate” Odysseus dives into works of Max Beckmann Otto Dix Conrad Felixmulller Barthel Gilles George Grosz Erich Heckel Ernst Ludwig Kirchner Felix Nussbaum Karl *******Rottluff Carl Hofer August Macke Max Peckstein Elfriede Lohse-Wachtler Egon Shiele list goes on in 1969 most parents don’t have money to buy their children cars most kids living off campus either ride bikes or hitchhike to school then back home on weekends often without a penny in their pockets Odysseus and Todd randomly select a highway and hitch rides to Putney Vermont Brattleboro Boston Cape Cod New York City or D.C. in search of adventure there is always trouble to be found curious girls to assist in Georgetown Odysseus sleeps with skinny girl with webbed toes who believes he is Jesus he tries to dissuade her but she is convinced

Toby Mantis is visiting New York City artist at Hartford art school he looks like huskier handsomer version of Ringo Starr and women dig him he builds stretchers and stretches canvases for Warhol lives in huge loft in Soho on Broadway and Bleeker invites Odysseus to come down on weekends hang out Toby takes him to Max’s Kansas City Warhol’s Electric Circus they wander all night into morning there are printing companies longshoremen gays in Chelsea Italians in West Village hippies playing guitars protesting the war in Washington Square all kinds of hollering crazies passing out fliers pins in Union Square Toby is hard drinker Odysseus has trouble keeping up  he pukes his guts out number of times Odysseus is *** head not drinker he explores 42nd Street stumbles across strange exotic place named Peep Show World upstairs is large with many **** cubicles creepy dudes hanging around downstairs is astonishing there are many clusters of booths with live **** girls inside girls shout out hey boys come on now pick me come on boys there are hundreds of girls from all over the world in every conceivable size shape race he enters dark stall  puts fifty cents in coin box window screen lifts inside each cluster are 6 to 10 girls either parading or glued to a window for $1 he is allowed to caress kiss their ******* for $2 he is permitted to probe their ****** or *** for $10 girl reaches hand into darkened stall jerks him off tall slender British girl thrills him the most she says let me have another go at your dickey Odysseus spends all his money ******* 5 times departing he notices men from every walk of life passing through wall street stockbrokers executives rednecks mobsters frat boys tourists fat old bald guys smoking thick smelly cigars Toby Mantis has good-looking girlfriend named Lorraine with long brown hair Toby Lorraine and Odysseus sit around kitchen table Odysseus doodles with pencil on paper Toby spreads open Lorraine’s thighs exposing her ****** to Odysseus Lorraine blushes yet permits Toby to finger her Odysseus thinks she has the most beautiful ****** he has ever seen bulging pelvic bone brown distinctive bush symmetric lips Toby and Lorraine watch in amusement as Odysseus gazes intently Tony mischievously remarks you like looking at that ***** don’t you? Odysseus stares silently begins pencil drawing Lorraine’s ****** his eyes darting back and forth following day Lorraine seduces Odysseus while Toby is away walks out **** from shower she is few years older her body lean with high ******* she directs his hands mouth while she talks with someone on telephone it is strange yet quite exciting Odysseus is in awe of New York City every culture in the world intermingling democracy functioning in an uncontrollable managed breath millions of people in motion stories unraveling on every street 24 hour spectacle with no limits every conceivable variety of humanity ******* in same air Odysseus is bedazzled yet intimidated

Odysseus spends summer of 1970 at art colony in Cummington Massachusetts it is magical time extraordinary place many talented eccentric characters all kinds of happenings stage plays poetry readings community meals volleyball after dinner volleyball games are hilarious fun he lives alone in isolated studio amidst wild raspberries in woods shares toilet with field mouse no shower he reads Jerzy Kosinski’s “Painted Bird” then “Being There” then “Steps” attractive long haired girl named Pam visits community for weekend meets Odysseus they talk realize they were in first grade together at Harper amazing coincidence automatic ground for “we need to have *** because neither of us has seen each other since first grade” she inquires where do you sleep? Todd hitches up from Hartford to satisfy curiosity everyone sleeps around good-looking blue-eyed poet named Shannon Banks from South Boston tells Odysseus his ******* is not big enough for kind of ******* she wants but she will **** him off that’s fine with him 32 year old poet named Ellen Morrissey from Massachusetts reassures him ******* is fine Ellen is beginning to find her way out from suffocating marriage she has little daughter named Nina Ellen admires Odysseus’s free spirit sees both his possibilities and naïveté she realizes he has crippling family baggage he has no idea he is carrying thing about trauma is as it is occurring victim shrugs laughs to repel shock yet years later pain horror sink in turned-on with new ideas he returns to Hartford art school classes are fun yet confusing he strives to be best drawer most innovative competition sidetracks him Odysseus uses power drill to carve pumpkin on Halloween teachers warn him to stick to fundamentals too much creativity is suspect Todd and he are invited to holiday party Odysseus shows up with Ellen Morrissey driving in her father’s station wagon 2 exceptionally pretty girls flirt with him he is live wire they sneak upstairs he fingers both at same time while they laugh to each other one of the girls Laura invites him outside to do more he follows they walk through falling snow until they find hidden area near some trees Laura lies down lifts her skirt she spreads her legs dense ***** mound he is about to explore her there when Laura looks up sees figure with flashlight following their tracks in snow she warns it’s Bill my husband run for your life! Odysseus runs around long way back inside party grabs a beer pretending he has been there next to Ellen all night few minutes later he sees Laura and Bill return through front door Bill has dark mustache angry eyes Odysseus tells Ellen it is late maybe they should leave soon suddenly Bill walks up to him with beer in hand cracks bottle over his head glass and beer splatter Odysseus jumps up runs out to station wagon Ellen hurriedly follows snow coming down hard car is wedged among many guest vehicles he starts engine locks doors maneuvers vehicle back and forth trying to inch way out of spot Bill appears from party walks to his van disappears from out of darkness swirling snow Bill comes at them wielding large crowbar smashes car’s headlights taillights side mirrors windshield covered in broken glass Ellen ducks on floor beneath glove compartment sobs cries he’s going to **** us! we’re going to die! Odysseus steers station wagon free floors gas pedal drives on back country roads through furious snowstorm in dark of night no lights Odysseus contorts crouches forward in order to see through hole in shattered windshield Ellen sees headlights behind them coming up fast it is Bill in van Bill banging their bumper follows them all the way back to Hartford to Odysseus’s place they run inside call police Bill sits parked van outside across street as police arrive half hour later Bill pulls away next day Odysseus and Ellen drive to Boston to explain to Ellen’s dad what has happened to his station wagon Odysseus stays with Ellen in Brookline for several nights another holiday party she wants to take him along to meet her friends her social circles are older he thinks to challenge their values be outrageous paints face Ellen is horrified cries you can’t possibly do this to me these are my close friends what will they think? he defiantly answers my face is a mask who cares what i look like? man woman creature what does it matter? if your friends really want to know me they’ll need to look beyond the make-up tonight i am your sluttish girlfriend! sometimes Odysseus can be a thoughtless fool

Laura Rousseau Shane files for divorce from Bill she is exceptionally lovely models at art school she is of French descent her figure possessing exotic traits she stands like ballerina with thick pointed ******* copious ***** hair Odysseus is infatuated she frequently dances pursues him Laura says i had the opportunity to meet Bob Dylan once amazed Odysseus questions what did you do? she replies what could i possibly have in common with Bob Dylan? Laura teases Odysseus about being a preppy then lustfully gropes him grabs holds his ***** they devote many hours to ****** intimacy during ******* she routinely reaches her hand from under her buns grasps his testicles squeezing as he pumps he likes that Laura is quite eccentric fetishes over Odysseus she even thrills to pick zits on his back he is not sure if it is truly a desire of hers proof of earthiness or simply expression of mothering Laura has two daughters by Bill Odysseus is in over his head Laura tells Odysseus myth of Medea smitten with love for Jason Jason needs Medea’s help to find Golden Fleece Medea agrees with promise of marriage murders her brother arranges ****** of king who has deprived Jason his inheritance couple is forced into exile Medea bears Jason 2 sons then Jason falls in love with King Creon’s daughter deserts Medea is furious she makes shawl for King Creon’s daughter to wear at her wedding to Jason  shawl turns to flames killing bride Medea murders her own sons by Jason Odysseus goes along with story for a while but Laura wants husband Odysseus is merely scruffy boy with roving eyes Laura becomes galled by Odysseus leaves him for one of his roommates whom she marries then several years later divorces there is scene when Laura tells Odysseus she is dropping him for his roommate he is standing in living room of her house space is painted deep renaissance burgundy there are framed photographs on walls in one photo he is hugging Laura and her daughters under big oak tree in room Laura’s friend Bettina other girl he fingered first night he met Laura at party is watching with arms crossed he drops to floor curls body sobs i miss you so much Laura turns to Bettina remarks look at him men are such big babies he’s pitiful Bettina nods

following summer he works installing displays at G. Fox Department Store besides one woman gay men staff display department for as long as he can remember homosexuals have always been attracted to him this misconception is probably how he got job his tenor voice suggesting not entirely mature man instead more like tentative young boy this ambiguous manifestation sometimes also evidences gestures thoroughly misleading after sidestepping several ****** advances one of his co-workers bewilderingly remarks you really are straight manager staff are fussy chirpy catty group consequently certain he is not gay they discriminate against him stick him with break down clean up slop jobs at outdoor weekend rock concert in Constitution Plaza he meets 2 younger blond girls who consent to go back to his place mess around both girls are quite dazzling yet one is somewhat physically undeveloped they undress and model for Odysseus radio plays Roberta Flack’s “Killing Me Softly With His Song” both girls move to rhythm sing along he thinks to orchestrate direct decides instead to let them lead lies on bed while curvaceous girl rides his ******* slender girl sits on his face they switch all 3 alternate giggle laughter each girl reaches ****** on his stiffness later both assist with hands mouths his ****** is so intense it leaves him paralyzed for a moment

in fall he is cast as Claudius in production of Hamlet Odysseus rehearses diligently on nights o

I had a friend
No
I had a brother
Met him when I was about six or seven years old
And at this moment
I can say
That without a doubt
He is the most unluckiest ******* I ever met

Once we were walking in the playground
Him and another friend
We’re walking side by side
A bird flies over us
And ***** on my friend
That was my friend
My brother Alan
The unluckiest ******* I ever knew

His mother died of cancer when my friend was just two years old
Man what that would do to a child I can only imagine
Things like that
Like those kinds of experiences
They shape people's lives
And so it was for my friend
That for the rest of his life
His mother’s death haunted him
In some unsettling way

From an early age
He started abusing drugs
I know because I abused drugs with him
But drugs
for my friend
would go on to ruin his life
like so many addicts

When he was twenty five
His father died
Left him roughly a million dollars
At the time of his father’s death
He was addicted to ****
That drug took him for such a ride
He stopped communicating with the outside world
Cut everyone off
Family
friends
everyone
For months
No one could get a hold of him
Nothing
Someone had called the sheriff's out to the house
He wouldn’t open the door
There was nothing no one could do to get a hold of this guy
Until one day I decided that was it
I went to his house
Broke in through the garage window in broad daylight
The garage smelled like **** and something dead

The backdoor opens
And there he is
Standing there
Disheveled
Unshaven
unclean
Standing with this queer look on his face
What are you doing he asks me
I’ve come to see if you’re alive *******
What the ****

Inside the house
Inside the house was nothing like I had ever seen
There was trash everywhere
In almost every single place there was trash
All along the floorboards
throughout the kitchen
dining room
Living room
Trash on top of the dining room table
Fast food boxes
Bags
Wrappers crumpled up with days old melted cheese still clinging to it
Grease stained pizza boxes
The little Chinese take out boxes
The tiny metal handles showing signs of rust
And in the middle of the living room was the biggest heap trash I ever saw
with wads and wads of toilet paper
All of over the floor
An entire mound of it
The the product of endless nights of watching ****

I sat down
He offered me a beer
Little while later we smoked a bowl
I asked him why he wasn’t returning my calls
He tells me he’s been meaning to call me
And that was it
I pressed him no more
I didn’t know it then
But I know it now
I didn’t press the matter because my friend was suffering
He was suffering
A person living the way he was living
Addicted to ****
Disconnected from everyone
Family
Friends
Everyone except the drug dealer
That’s someone who’s suffering
And again a little of his mother followed him here

We talked of other times
Times like the present
Getting high
Drunk
And then that one instance that breaks the silence like none other
All the calm in the air
Gone
Like the wind was knocked out of the room
A knock at the door
We looked at each other
And then those words that one ever wants to hear

It’s the police, open up

*******
We look at each other
Did you call the police he asks me
No
Again a knock and the command
Alan walks to the door and opens it
Two police officers were standing there
A man and a women officer
They ask to come in
They say someone called of a break in
And that’s when everyone looks at me
I tell them I broke in
That it was me
That I broke it to see if he was alright

The woman officer walked around the living
She was visibly disturbed
She asks Alan how he could live like this
He doesn’t answer
The other officer began a kind of lecture
Alan just stood there
Nodding his head

Hey buddy, you can’t stop talking to people
You see your friend here
He cares about you

About that time there was another knock at the door
It’s the repo man
A man wearing a three piece suit
He’s come to get the truck parked in the garage
There hasn’t been a payment on it in months
Alan hands him the keys
He looks at me
Not mean or angry
But pleading for my help
Or maybe God
I don’t know

I stood there and watched this transpire
Watched the repo man drive off with the truck
Watched the officers leave
And then I watched my friend sit in his chair
Crying with his face buried in his hands
I’m sorry Alan
I don’t know how many times of said those words in my life
Too many I think

And that was my friend
All his life
Just like that
The most unluckiest ******* I ever knew

I see you wallowing there in your pit of sin,
saying prayers to make things the way they had been.
You ******* joker, look around, what has changed?
You're the only ******* not playing the game.
I've only been here for a couple of days, and I read your ****
Fool, get back in the game. And stop complaining bout gifts.
I'll only tell you once sailor, then I'll go get my knife.
Don't quit ******* or I'll take your life!