I would never confess that I cry
I would never confess that I want love
I would never confess that I'm... Nothing

I'm too scared of tears  
I'm too scared of people
I'm too scared of being forgotten

Feeling hot streams of salty water flow down my cheeks
Feeling someone disappearing right infront of me
Feeling empy, alone, scared

I'm too scared of tears so I keep them in
No matter what I would never let anyone see me cry
I would never show myself being weak

I'm too scared of letting someone into my life
They would  leave and I would be left with nothing
I would never let myself give away a part of me

I'm too scared of letting people see the real me
So I fake... I fake happiness, smiles, laughter
I would never let myself be me

Aren't we all just liars?

People always say the eyes are windows to the sole

but i gave my soul away

so if look into my eyes

and you see nothing

you will be certian

that i am empty

Just me
and a fifth of ***
which i bought at the grocery store
with the very last of my paycheck
which was the last of my paychecks
three weeks ago.

Just me
and a fifth of ***
sitting in this apartment with the
blank white walls, cracked ceiling,
and giant ****** furniture I hate
with a passion.

Just me
and a fifth of ***.
In anticipation I unscrew the cap,
but I can't bring myself to drink it
so I slowly pour it down the drain,
every last drop.

Just me
and a fifth of ***
or at least the shell of what had been.
Poor bottle, you look so lonely now.
Come, sit next to me, and we can be
empy together.

It was a very thorough grinding and a overly slow unwinding
The passiveness intensifying to the perfect medium
and beyond this equilibrium it was still churning
this void that is fire extinguished
an emptiness that is passion relinquished
The table was empy, full and cleared of all substances
the cup was overfilling, spilling but content
The tendrils retracted to the cavernous maw from which I succombed
the throat I threw myself down
and clung to the uvula with my toes out of lingering basic reactions
a stimulus that I cared to respond to
My lymph nodes were a sore blackness, penetrating all the wiles of wills
it was the spiders again...
let's talk about evolution for a bit
why do we do things?
survival?
the basic desire to be and propagate oneself
some psychologists would suggest that it's all based on ***.
that's why there are so many ****** and manwhores as well
they trick their bodies into believing they are succesfull.
why do we wish to be succesful?
to attract a mate? yes'm
some of us can move past this sole purpose, but it's still an underlying cause yo


The bossman keeps me a-slaving away..working my time for his pay
The teacherman keeps me a-studying all day, working my mind for future wage
The bassman is me a-slapping a way, mumbling a mating call

So, the plumage is quite bright..genuine too
but not as full and phosphorescent as ******* mcassbutt's store bought version
but, there are no real peahens.  only chickens
so, who'm I trying to impress here? Mr. Director Man, what is my motivation in this scene?
"If you need someone to tell you that for you, then you should probably **** yourself"

this is why I don't give advice much..

I've been told very often, that one should look to themselves for their happiness..
but these people who say this get laid frequently.
not that that is my unit of happiness measurement here.. but try it before you buy it
I'm not going to waste my time.. mating for the sake of having a mate
it's fake. it's vacuous. it's vapid. it's false. it's unreal. it feels wrong and you know it

but...someone to bounce ideas off of. a special someone
put me in my place when im full of **** and it's pouring out my mouth
to recognize that point of light, so many have talked about with me..but ran away from
understanding the cosmic joke..it's not evil or crazy.. it just is and it's wonderful


the lymphatic darkness spreading.
why the lymph nodes?  cuz it's fun to say
lymph lymph lymph
get it? WHEEEE!!
it was once a false light,  some kind of poisonous neon spiraling around my core
but it was torn away..body evacuations of necessity alone
then it was an astral negative, ******* and ******* hard i tell ya whut nyow
it finally found something in all that darkness...the cosmic infinitesimal
the smallest decimal
like a rasinette, with doom insteada chocolate
and dang it was good mood food
i would follow a trail of those fuheva eva
I finished devouring this morsel of anything at all
and found the lighting almost acceptable
readable, but with permanent eye damage after a while

empty walls empty room empy brain empty womb
blank page blank mind, ideas, words, thoughts I can't find
trash recycle bin I can't win those inner demons bust my teeth in

slit a wrist open a sleeve cut a vein blow my brain
insane insane in sane out of life
nothing to gain
nothing to lose
cut me open, arachnophobia, rusty, my guts slip out in a
shape
of a noose,

hanging out hanging up face down legs floating body rotating
don't stop believing

hold on
to that feeling.

I feel it rising
In the silent room
I feel it escaping my throat
I don't want it to be revealed.
I will stay calm.

I feel it coming
Up my neck and throat.
It's becoming to strong for me
It's clawing its way out.
My mouth slowly opens
And it rushes into the open, empy room.

The scream is only heard
By the disrupted silence
It keeps coming and coming

How do I make it stop.

My new best friend has perished
Though I only met him last night
His company was cherished
That **** cat knocked him down
And then drank the spilled bourbon
Now I am bereft of my solace
With only the empy bottle, and
I maintain that if Coolidge were still president
This would never have happened.

You tried to catch me
In mid fall
I contimplated stopping you
You insisted to lend a hand

My heart stolen by another
So you slipped into the darkness
You ran many miles, my dear
Just so you could steal it back

But once you found my heart
In a box it was kept
Beating slowly, hypnotically
Dying, starvation grasping it tightly

You rushed back to me, my dear
Heavy breathes fell past your lips
You prayed to God I would still be alive
You found an empy shell of a woman instead

My heart crumbled in your hands
As you stared into my eyes
That day I whispered no you you, my dear
The words cascaded from my mouth

I cant love you, I am broken
I cant be mended, though youre hopin'
My body weak, soul chokin'
Im sorry, my dear, I cant be loved

You took my heart, crumbled may be
Compressed it tightly in your hands, you see
It formed its shape, as it should be
You breathed life back in it
You saved me

*My dear

Thanks to you I feel like I'm living a longer spring than what I thought was posible and now I've grown used to sighs that taste like roses and lavander, rainbows in every pond, and ambrosy-like kisses.
I feel summer coming, but it's warmth doesn't trick me. The melting sun feels like the ****** to the symphony I didn't know how to write until we started making music.
And right behind summer comes autum as the last breath of life. Landscapes worthy of the best museums, all nothing more than a facade to hide the smell of death.
The circle closes with winter and everything that once bloomed in spring is nothing more than a memory covered in frost, in cold, in silence, in empy words, and painful goodbyes.
But right now, we are in spring and I foolishly hope that this relationship is located somewhere in the equator line where we can stay forever in spring.