The colour I see in… perfect darkness?
In german we call it Eigengrau. It's beautiful name for such a colour, and a beautiful colour for our eyes.
It's a colour that takes everything away, turns it into nothing, giving you everything.
Sounds strange, like a paradox, you might think now.
Maybe, probably, most likely it is like that.
"Nachts sind alle Katzen grau.", is also something we Germans tend to say. All cats are grey in the dark; meaning that in the night, everyone is the same, we can not tell them apart anymore.
So the beautiful colour, a noun, called *Eigengrau" basically makes us all the same.
Sometimes I wish we would always see other people in Eigengrau, because then, even the last of them would realize that we are all the same, no matter which religion, sexuality, etc. we have.

It is dark and everything is quiet.
Like a step taken would be so soft
the sound would elude ears
and the traveller would smoothly transit
from one point to another.

The cold granite pavement is
the only thing telling me this place
exists.

My eyes are open, or are they closed?
I blink.
There is no difference.
But it is so dark I feel the black
is poring into my eyes
and covering me like
an invisible, untouchable, distinct
sort of
a thick, giant parcel of air
or space, even
that transcends my field of vision.

I am lost, but I don't feel like it.
There is some sort of freedom and peace
while walking along path I set myself.
It is just walking, simply walking
no plans made, no trails followed
simply walking.

All along the way I've walked,
I've only heard the sound of my feet in this quietness.
The faint rush of breath out my nostrils
sounds so light, almost nonexistent,
as if I've been holding my breath
or I never breathed this whole way or
even breathed at all.

Time. I've forgotten the meaning of time.
What is time?
I don't know when I started walking
but from then till now,
I don't know how much time has passed.
10 minutes? 2 hours? 1 day? 3 weeks? 1 year?
A century?
How do you know?

No matter the length I've walked,
my feet do not hurt at all.
In fact, with every contact
with the ground,
the muscles get soothed and they
sigh with pleasure
despite not knowing
when they'll ever stop
walking.

Alas! I see Eigengrau!
and slowly, the faint outline of
toys, books, mats, a telescope
come into view.
But very, very faint.
Only the very top parts
are a little bit lighter than the rest.
Enough to make out what they are, though.

My feet sense something different.
Before, they walked on
cool, hard and sure granite.
Now, they feel a soft carpet,
little furry things tingling the toes
that go easy on the soles.

Oops!

I almost tripped!
I see a plush toy of a planet, the Earth.
And starry things are sprawled all over
where my field of vision can reach.

Walking closer and closer,
a window comes into view.
shutters are white in colour, but
tucked neatly at the top.
Now light spills in
and there's a tiny figure
whose breathing I hear.
A slow, peaceful rhythm,
devoid of fatigue, stress and dread.
A being not aware of my presence.
It is-sorry-he is
a little boy, wearing blue Power Ranger pajamas,
clutching tightly to a bolster, covered slightly
by a recently-ironed blanket.

Curiosity takes over
I walk to the little boy,
slowly turns his face over...
brushes his hair off his face....
and he's-he's-

Oh  my  god

That face.

I used to see

in the mirror...



Sixty years ago.

our fears are like each other's,
if only we could talk.

always in disguise,
thoughts hidden with a lock.

against the starry sky

pushing,
pushing
away.

the wind blows,
the sky gives way.

Explore my mind
I beg of you
Walk the landscape of my psyche
Until your feet are nothing
But a bleeding pile of blisters

I'll expose you to all the truly inane **** I can dwell on
I'll show you the ugliness of my soul
The depths of depravity
To which I am willing to sink

I open myself to you for examination
For your scrutiny
Know me inside and out

And then tell me
If I still interest you
If you can still call my mind beautiful

I'll bare everything
In a desperate bid to drive you off
See if you can handle
The crushing depths of the boredom I can inflict

Because if you're just going to tire of me eventually
Get bored and walk off
To find the next stimulation
For your mind and soul
Then I'd rather you do it to me sooner
Than later
Even though I will never be the first
To leave.

If there's no god then random particles bouncing over billions of years are writing this poem.

If there's no words you wait then as you waited like a kid for the mist to spray the veggie isle.

If there's no memory, and there's only blotches, then I drank so much *****.

If there's no *****, and you're in class, she'll act like you aren't even there.

I came from a galaxy
But I ended up here
Where I met a young one
Who I grew to like

I kept a diary
And wrote my feelings
One by one
Words began to appear

One night, I had a dream
Where I met the darkness
We stared together
"Crybaby," it called me

I woke up, with him at my side
He was still my friend
But, deep down, something wasn't right

I told him about the dream
I don't know, I don't know
A voice was heard, it wasn't his
I cried, and only he heard me

A drawing of us and the ocean
It was beautiful, but I couldn't say
The darkness called out to me
01001000011001010110110001110000

The darkness saw me again
A place known as Eigengrau
A shade of black, not known but beautiful
And I fell into the sea

01010111011010000111100100111111

I knew I wasn't a crybaby
My friend knew that as well
He cared for me, no matter what
He was a friend

I felt faint, so very much
Why must I feel this way?
The darkness is aware of me
And I can't do anything

I felt sick, so very much
The darkness felt pity
Did he feel love for me
A forbidden love, it seems

0100111001101111001011100010111000101110

I knew about his love for me, and I did too
My cheeks grew redder

I'm fine, I'm fine

My friend could be stupid

I hit him, I hit him

Does he still like me?

But

but

i needed the darkness

i needed eigengrau

why am i so cold

help me

there's a crack in my face

no

no

Now we're here, together
I don't need my old friend
All I need is the darkness and myself
In the cold, black ocean I call my happy place

010100100110100101100111011010000111010000111111

I'm sorry about before, I was blinded with love
My friend was there, but I doubted his efforts
Was he really that nice?
The darkness was nicer

After all, he gave me a beautiful sword

But then, I saw him

010000010110111001100100001000000100100100100000011010110110­10010110110001101100011001010110010000100000011010000110100101101­101

I love the darkness, and it loves me back

I never wanted to **** him.
I really was a monster, and I was too blind to notice.
Why, why? Why must this happen to me?

Save me.
The darkness wants me. It lusts for me.
I shouldn't lust for it back.
I don't want to fall into insanity.

Save me, please.
From these bloodstained pages.
My shell, it'll come off, but...
I don't want it to.
I'm so cold.
I don't like this.
Save me, please.

Save me!
My shell, it's coming off!
I don't know how to stop it!
Someone, anyone!
NONONONONONONONONONONO-




Eventually, all that was left was darkness.
And me.
Together.

FOREVER.

Bounded by time, by space, for eternity.
My red eyes illuminating, glowing.
Forever, we shall stand.
In Eigengrau.

I wasn't a monster.
I am not a savage.
I am a knight, protecting the darkness from the light.
Forever, until the end, we shall stand.
The black, empty flowers blooming.
An old diary stands, unopened for years.

The darkness and I would fly away, into the stars, loving each other.
Nothing would tear us apart.
And all who opened it, would suffer.

lady jane uses ashes to blacken her brows.
she does this while yelling,
just yelling,
and ululating into the courtyard below.
bellow.
saul bellow.
and martian heavy medgar evers.
close me in myself.
ready for a road trip.

manipulate your eigengrau,
be more uneasy with each passing millisecond spent in complete solitude with you yourself,
because nothing should scare you more than your mind alone with no hand clasped and anchoring you  to the edge of the pool.

you realize that you wake,
only to create beautiful lucid dreams for yourself and no one else.

I curl into a ball and disappear
And reemerge in another world
Bending over backwards
And annihilating
Simultaneously
Whirling violently
Dragging space with me
Burning the void at my edges
A yawning pit of need


I see you smeared across the firmament
Unrecognizable information
To anyone who doesn't know your every
  atom
The way I do