The same feeling of emptiness
The same feeling of loss
The same feeling of not seeing you
The same feeling of not touching you through eyes
The same feeling of not having a word from you
The same feeling of not expressing you what I feel
The same feeling knowing that you won’t say
The same feeling of not being there with you
The same feeling of knowing that you won’t be there to be with me
The same feeling of feeling nothing
The same feeling of thinking when next I will see you
The same feeling of imagining when you will see me
The same feeling of people around but searching for you
The same feeling of search for you whether people are there or not
The same feeling, the same feeling… but I realized

I am feeling nothing
I am feeling numb
I am feeling frozen
I am feeling unmoving
I am feeling lifeless
Feeling nothing but still feeling nothingness
This feeling is the source of existence
This feeling is the intuition that we are not over yet
This feeling that I am going to see you again
The feeling this is not the end

The firm belief of you being with me
The hope that we both will be together
May be not in this birth,
May be in another world, where there will be no boundaries
Where I will be the first and last for you
Where you will be the first and last for me

Am tired of waiting
Am tired of convincing you
Am tired of convincing me
Am tired of thinking this will not happen
Am tired of thinking us will not happen

Why it’s me who suffers this way
Why it’s me who become reason for your suffering
Why can’t I be the happiness for you?
Why can’t I be the hope for you?
Why can’t I be the life for you?
Why can’t I be the source for you?

I don’t know why I want you
I don’t know why I like you
I don’t know why I adore you
I don’t know why I love you
I don’t know why I miss you
I don’t know why ………

Why…!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why I feel connection… is it there really… or I am imagining…
If this a phase why this is not getting over
Why you growing on me day by day

The why’s is endless?
And life is small
I don’t know when I will get the answers
I just know sometime I can’t breathe without you
And once you are gone…
Once I am gone…
There will be again
This same feeling of emptiness

Sleep deprivation

***

Guilt

Sense-making and maps of meaning

Revisiting memories

Crying

Staying away from scary corners of my mind

Deliberately going toward scariness

Not resisting

Yes resisting

Respecting resistance

Compulsive tv watching

Dropping or letting go over and over again

Exploring

Curiosity

Forgetting and then remembering that it’s all happening on its own, noticing this, knowing this, realizing this

Realizing that realization comes and goes on its own

Being in love with everything

Crying

Playing with time and concepts

Craving emptiness

Love

Catastrophizing

Ranking what "works" (i.e. sleep deprivation is effective), noticing that the metric of “effective” and "works" is = resulting in greater illusions of "forgetting" with a capital F

Loving everything

Being everything

Self-flagellation

Not really believing any of the stories or narratives

Procrastinating

Being irresponsible

Getting off on self-loathing

Forcing intimacy

Compassion, large, whole, unrelenting, everywhere

Oversharing

Falling in love with a homeless person at a traffic stop

Being bored and sad and hopeless and desperate

Remembering inherent wholeness

Being stubborn

Getting out of the way always feels like dying

Loving dying

Loving mourning dying

Dramatizing dying

Wanting to be seen and loved

Self-loathing

Intensity

Craving intensity

Hating craving intensity

Knowing that nothing is a problem

Suffering

Being impatient

Being very very patient

Feeling like I don’t belong in the world, like people and things and money and social media are alien, foreign and scary

Feeling like I am the world

Forgetting that knowing how to verbalize isn’t the same as knowing

Wanting knowing with words to be the same as Knowing

Wanting knowing to be a Real, solid thing

Fear

Mortal fear

Bewilderment

Constant background anxiety

Hating this body

Not caring for this body

Being burdened by this body

Feeling trapped in a body

Feeling more trapped in a mind

Wanting knowing to resolve everything

Wanting to be saved

Thinking that I probably don’t need to be saved

Thinking or knowing(?) there’s nothing to be saved from

Knowing that I can’t be saved

Feeling open

Feeling vulnerable

Feeling exposed

Feeling bad

Feeling like I'm doing it wrong

Believing it all

Wanting to both believe it and have a choice about when, where, and to what extent I believe it

Not knowing where the edge is until I've fallen off

Feeling violated

Feeling like existence is non-consensual

Somehow trusting all of it, totally, exactly as it is

Watching the panicking

More crying

Being one

Being very very aware

Noticing and letting go of effort in one swift move

Compulsive clenching

Compassion

Dissolving

Disillusion

Dying without the novelty

Being ok vey very briefly and for no apparent reason/because of no reason./?

Wanting distraction

Respecting needing distraction

Getting out of the way of intelligent coping mechanisms

Villifying coping mechanisms

Understanding only in retrospect

Frustration

Compassion, deep, like warm water

Compassion, hard, like being ****** vey very slowly

Torture

Life-giving torture

Never wanting to stop

Marveling

Abundance like grace, like not deserving, like not needing to be deserving, like deserving is perverse language

Tasting everything

Endless kaleidoscopes of being and tasting and knowing

Non visual seeing

Clarity, brightness, nothing is a problem

Being alive

Being sososo tired

Wanting to rest, to die into void and nothing

Wanting to hibernate

Wanting to still

Dying to get off

Begging to get off

Finding the edge more thrilling than the center (because then the center can be anything at all?)

Loving all the previous versions of this being

Needing to hate, loathe, earlier renditions of this being

Hating repulsion

Trusting repulsion

Getting stuck because resisting repulsion

Knowing that there's no way out

Knowing that the way out that I'm seeking isn't a way out

Not wanting to do the work

Dancing around the center, constantly

Feeling dizzy with chaos, with knowledge of power

Feeling comfortable with mediocrity

Hating mediocrity

Waking up with jaw tension from the enormity of my own suppressed power

Telling stories about sensations

Relying on self-bullying methods I know don't work

Perfecting the art of pretending

Perfecting the art of self-deception

Wanting to make the stakes higher

Being overwhelmed by my own storytelling

Not wanting to give stories credibility by dispelling them

Naval gazing

Loving philosophy

Feeling dried up, tired, stagnant, disinterested, not engaged, not here.

Sleepwalking. Sleep writing. Sleep talking. Sleep caring

Not sleeping

Vivid dreaming

High weirdness

Questioning my sanity

Romanticizing insanity

Wanting to blur all boundaries

Wanting to smooth the edges of reality

Questioning reality

Destabilizing reality

Feeling destabilized

Feeling irresponsible

Guilt

Feeling sick and tired

Feeling scared

Feeling hopeless

Wanting to reach out

Feeling like everything is inevitable

Feeling like suffering is inevitable

Recognizing kindness

Discerning well (properly? Clearly? Well.)

Fearful trusting

Thinking too much

Not wanting to love my dad as much as I do.

Chasing the intellectual high

Disappointment

No need for resolution

Feeling caught in existence

Feeling caught up. Like in a potato sack; I can explore the exact measure of my confinement, the sensorial elements, the scratchiness, the filtering light from the outside, the stagnation, the wanting to stretch.

I love this being.

This. It's not a problem.

Confusing familiarity with comfort

Confusing comfort with peace

Reifying confusion, but not really

Yielding, on my knees, heart to the sky

Seeing through, like pinholes in a perfectly realistic backdrop

Dispelling everything

Stripping away the Stripping away

Trying to stand still and feel

Wanting to be convinced by rage

Always loving Sad, not despondent, just sad

Feeling continuous

Feeling fragmented

Feeling like motion, like flow

Feeling like thousands of still frames, constant flickering

Grasping at impermanence

Resting in the middle

Dancing down the tightrope

Knowing perfect poise, so so brief

Everything is hysterically funny

Hysterically

But also just plain humorous

And absurd

Loving people

Feeling grateful for people

Seeing beauty everywhere

Always coming back

Like an epic

Like a great love story

Like a violin solo in a forbidden song

Like the last wring of that silk dress you're not supposed to squeeze dry

Knowing the inside of my hand

Knowing teenage shame

Knowing being yelled at, towered over, by my dad, in a narrow
hallway, eyes glued to speckled floor tiles, feeling small, nowhere to go

Loving with my body, with my hands, with my mouth, with my whole entire strong soft body

Crying with tears, and snot, and heaving

Becoming one single, concentrated point

Wanting to envelope everything. Really. Actually. With my body.

I am not this voice

Or this writer

Or this narrator

Though I am also all that

What is this feeling?
Is this, something new?
What is this feeling?
I'm singing a strange tune.
What is this feeling?
That's taking over me,
It works unseen.

What is this feeling?
That rattles my bones
What is this feeling?
Like the warm embrace of home
What is this feeling?
That's teaching me somehow
Why am I learning this, right now?

What is this feeling?
That brings me to life
What is this feeling?
Like a burning hot knife.
It stabs into me,
But I can feel no pain.
At least, not now.

What is this feeling?
With its magical math
What is this feeling?
It's forging its own path
What is this feeling?
Why doesn't 1+1= 2,
Anymore?
What is this feeling?
My mind is ablaze.
What is this feeling?
I'm getting the shakes.

What did I eat?
Am I high?
Up in the sky?
Or did I leap
Into the waters
Unknown
To me.
What is this feeling?
I'm plunged in cold water
What is this feeling?

My adrenalines high,
My minds in the sky,
I'm not coming down,
I don't think I know how.

What is this feeling?
Like wolves of wind trampling through grass.
Unseen, and unheard, but still known.
What new path is being shown?
What is this feeling?
This ambrosia to be
What is this feeling?
It's liquid gold to me.

What is this feeling?
My heart is aghast
What is this feeling?
Im getting up oh so fast
What is this feeling?
After a moment just like that,
My head is swinging
Like an acrobat.

And like a cheetah
Chasing a gazelle,
My heart is racing.
What a tale this will be to tell,
Someday soon.
What is this feeling?
I've been struck by a harpoon,
Being reeled out of the sea.
Do you see?

In just a moment,
Something's happened to me.
I could swear I saw a divine
In their eyes.
For just a fleeting moment,
I saw my opponent.
In this game,
And an arrow took its aim.

What is this feeling?
Propelling me forward.
All that I know is,
They aren't running to the door.
And for a moment
This feeling makes me complete,
It tastes so sweet.
Like candy to my heart and soul,
Will I achieve my goal?

Where is this hope from?
What has this feeling done to me,
How do I plea?
When my heart is set.
Pulling its strings
I'm just the marionette
Following its commands,
Holding out my hand.
And they seem glad.

What is this feeling?
It came roaring like thunder.
What is this feeling?
I'm being pulled right under.
What is this feeling?
After just a moments look...

Is that all, it took?
To make me fall.
A fleeting moment,
Became an eternity to me
Words flowing out of my heart that I don't understand.

Even if it's to end in tragedy
That fleeting moment,
And the feeling that soared through my soul,
As two pairs of eyes met,
Becoming half of a whole.
This feeling,
Meant everything to me.