I've had enough of your pushing and pulling
You said that you have changed
But when
You said you were different know
But how
I just know that you are exactly the same

You still push and pull me of your own accord
You tie me down by empty promises
I had your back you let me fall
Take your lies because
This is our end

This is the end of me and you
This is then end of me hurting
This is the end of my support for you
This is me leaving

Don't call me back
Don't say empty words you don't mean
Don't come running when your in need.
Don't try to pull me back by your rope of lies
Just don't

You were my first for almost everything
My first real kiss and not a drunk mistake
My first time
The first person I could see lasting
The first one I could see a relationship so deep
But you are the first one who can't make up your mind.
You can't say yes let's do this
You can't say I want to be with you and only you
You cant say you want to last
You are the first I have to really watch for because you can become the first to break my heart
You can become the first I don't want to lose
The first I want to hold so tightly
But the first I can see but don't want to acknowledge that you are slipping away from
You are the first that I want to stay with me.

Here I take a chance
A chance to say what I am
To not be judged but to be heard
A place I know my voice will rise
I am a christian
It means something different to everyone
Some is bad other are good and some don't care
But this is what a Christian is to me
I like to think of myself as a new generation Christian
What is this you may ask
Well let me tell you
It's someone who loves everyone
But isn't that what we are supposed to do you ask
I say it is but others say they do
They do but they say to hate those who are in same *** relations or are transgender
I'm not saying it is all
No not all indeed but some
But I love everyone
I believe that you should be who you want to embrace who you are
To shine through the crap people throw your way
Every life is precious but I believe you should have a choice if you want an abortion which I'm told is wrong
I'm for gay marriage because you love who you love and what I say won't change your mind
But does this not make me a Christian
Because to me the only things that matter about being a Christian are believing that Jesus is the son of God and that he died for everyone and rose again
And that you should love the sinner and hate the sin. Everything else just muddies the water
So I am Christian but I'm a new generation.

All my life I have had the toughest times
But I always smiled
I have never told my secrets
So they rotted my soul

I have never stepped out of line
I kept my place and stayed quiet
I never spoke wrongly
But I always made mistakes

I have been put down
But I have kept my head up
But what good did it bring
What things do I have to speak of

What gives the strength to smile
To keep my head up
To keep silent
To never speek wrongly

Where is this strength I find
Where did it go
Will it come back
Or will I stay exhausted

People Say my life is easy
And from the outside that may be true
They never know
The torture that is inside me

Though I'm smiles and joy on the outside
The inside I'm all the natural disasters
To take one look and think you know
Then to take and be for sure

Never wanting to understand
But always wanting to assume
That i have no worries
Troubles or doubt's swimming in my heart and head

Just look once more beneath that smile
Search the eyes to see my soul
Don't hold back due to fear
Just take one good look

I 'm scared of what might be inside me
Thoughts I have that are strange to me
Thoughts that seem to belong to another
These thought give me a shock every time

I don't know when they started
But I don't know when they'll stop
These thoughts that shouldn't exist
Have diminished a single bit

Where did they come from
When did they come
When will they be gone
Will I ever be done?

There once was a boy
Who looked at me with love
He was there by my side
But I blinked and he was gonna

No trace of him around
No words left in the echo
No clue as to where he's gone
No place to start a search.

A ghost leaves more behind
Than just a broken heart
The first love that could have been true
The right kind of guy just gone ****.

At least my memories are happy
Nothing bad to come
Except for the pain of remembering
That he's gone for good

No one to ask where he's gone
No words to cling to for comfort
No item to hold in case of depression
Just an impression that he was once there

I feel as though I'm not wanted.
Treated like I don't exist
Pushed to the side like a broken toy
To collect dust for years to come

The words I say fall to the ground
Blocked by that barrier that was placed around me
No one to say the words
That will shatter the glass

Nothing is more wanted by me
Than a person to hear me again
To see me here on the side
To listen to the words that I say

To see a person care that I'm here
Instead of to think I'm broken
A person to know my thought
Than to ignore my existence.

Where is that person
I most long for
To be seen once again
Would be my salvation

Every time I say a word to you it's a lie
Any time I think a thought it's a lie
No matter what I do or say it's a lie
To you everything is a lie

You have lied to me
But I don't hold it against you
I lie to you it's the end of the world

I let go of what you did
I move on and say 'what's done is done'
But you cling tight to the words that fled my mouth
You say 'stop lying to me'

How can I stop when I haven't even started
How can I show you that that isn't me
When will you see the truth
Will you ever be able to let go of that past you hold on to for dear life?

Smiles and sunshine
Always there for you
Undeniable loyalty and love
Never give up

Hello stranger
Evolves slowly
Evil in secret

Helping hand
Untold secrets
Trustworthy
Church child
Happy to see you
In secret sad
Never stop pretending
Getting tired
Something always expected of me

We see every where we go  
the looks from strangers near and far
oh how they stare at us
But why?

We see the glances from left and right
our eyes connect
they quickly turn their head
But why?

Can they see something that we can't
do they know something we don't
do they think we're someone else
But why?

No to all
no to you, to me, to our family
They just stare because they have nothing better to do
They turn to hide their disgust for us in their eyes

Everyone is leaving me yet again
Not physically but emotionally
It could just be in my head
But it seems so real

The distance is slowly growing
The ones that I considered to be family are falling away from me
Waiting for the dust just to settle
Only to be left standing alone

The way things go round and round makes my head a little dizzy
Maybe everyone is just meant to fall away
And the only one meant to be left standing
Is yourself

Is there a possible way to find the one you're meant to be with forever
OR is it just luck and hard work
Can you imagine just finding that special one
And they are already married

To be alone forever
Is nothing anyone wants
Yet many people are
How do we fix that?

All our lives we move forward
Forward toward something we were promised
A better future that is bright and new

All our live we search for that connection
That connection to people
People that come and go

But what happens to our lives
when those people leave
or promises are broken

What becomes of us
when we never meet the people we have to
or when we don't go to the places we need to

What happens to our lives
To that promise
To those people.

Do we all end up being miserable
Do we meet eventually
or are we left to wonder "What if...?"

You say to show you that I’m responsible
But every time I do you look away
You say I can't have this till I'm grown up
But how old do I have to be

You are always telling me these things
Always shouting in my face
Always applying just a little bit more pressure
But when are you going to start seeing the things that you have been missing?

You have always told me to act like my siblings
But when I do you scold me for doing so
You tell me to act my age
But when I do You ground me

How much more of this topsy turvy world must I take
How much more do you need to tell me
How much more do I need to show you
Why can't you ever be happy with just me

I may not always be responsible
But I am when it counts
I may make mistakes
But thats what I'm supposed to do

Can't you see how much has changed
Can't you see that I'm still not 5
You are eventually going to miss everything
I wish you would catch up to the RESPONSIBLE ME

I was stupid to think that things could change
I was stupid to think that I could change
I don't know why I thought that things could be different
Why I thought I could be different

Nothing will change
Everyone is the same
Nobody cares about anyone much
Everybody thinks of themselves first

I thought you could be different
I thought that there was one person that I could count on
But you turned your back on me
You left me in the dark

Now that you are exactly who I feared you would be
I'm sitting in the dark, not knowing where to go
What will happen to me now
There is no light shining from you anymore

You left me with no warning
I guess it was stupid of me to think you wouldn't
I guess I was stupid to think that your light would keep me safe from the dark
But I guess I was stupid to think anything much of you

I guess I thought you were different
I guess that was the stupidest thing to think
I guess I'm alone once again
No more warmth that is emanating from a body

I guess I was stupid
To depend on you
I guess I was stupid
To think it would have been you

You told me not to feel
So I didn't
You told me to behave
So I did
But where has that gotten me?

You told me to use my manners
So I did
You told me that this is how it is supposed to be
So I believed you
But where has that brought me to?

You told me everything I know
That has shaped me
You made me who I am
That is what I am today
But now I know

I know that everything that you have told me is wrong
I know that there is nothing more wrong than what I used to be
When did I become the emotional punching bag?
Why didn't I realize that you have placed the scares on my heart?
It was you and your minions that made me this way

I hope that you're happy of who I am today.
Everything you did to help me hurt me
Everything you did to hurt me helped me
That helped me to become a stronger person
so that my heart doesn't get broken

All the pain that we feel inside
All the things we tried to hid
We all try to pretend that everything is perfect
But what comes of it?

We all see the pain in each others eyes
We see that there is no healing
We see that the cuts are deeper than what can be mended
But what are we doing?

All this time we put on these masks
All this time hiding because we're scared
All this time just waiting
But what are we waiting for?

We wait for tomorrow and hope the pain is gone
We wait for someone to take it away
We wait for time to eventually heal all wounds
But does it help?

It just keeps getting worse
It just keeps burning inside
It just doesn't get better
But it actually gets worse

To Me
To me everything is the same
Its boring and entertaining

To Me
I've seen all before
The guy gets the girl

To Me
You mustn't show emotion
Just a blank face is all you need.

This is Me
This the way I see things
This is the way the world was shown to me

To Me
This is what I saw was wrong
This is what needed to change

To Me
There was more than this
There was beauty and emotion in everything

Now I
See that the heart should lead
See that the brain should follow

Now I
Know that they were wrong
Know that I won't ever go back

THIS IS ME

Trust. It's a big thing.
To trust someone is a hard thing.
To know that they trust you is an important thing
Just make sure that you know you're trusted.

To trust.
I shall take a step toward trust with all of you.
But there is a lot to be told.
my trust isn't given to many.

but i know that my trust will never be broken.
That is what is important.
To know that your trust will never be broken
Forever.

I see the way that you look at all but me
I see that you want to avoid my eyes
But I can't say that I see why
Why do you try so hard?

Why do you try so hard?
Is it meant to be that way?
I always thought that it was to be easy.
Was I wrong?

Was I wrong?
To think that there was a spark
To see something i thought existed
Do you see me?

Do you see me?
The drops of salt and water that roll down my face
The red that lines my eyes
Can you see the difference?

Can you see the difference?
Difference between right and wrong
The way light and dark are opposites
Are you pretending now?

Are you pretending now?
Now that everything is clear
Everything is different
I'm sorry to say this, but Good-bye

I'm just one person
One person who wants what every person wants
People always battle
Always stepping on the little people

I am just one girl
One girl that wants what all the girls want
Girls just want to know they are loved
Just getting a broken heart instead

I am just one student
One student that just wants to get by
Students just want to know that their future is safe
Just ending up disappointed

These things that we want just end
Things we thought were real and could happen
We all were just naive
All  we do is hope but getting no where with it.


WHY?

Guys always say “Oh girls are so complicated.” or “why do girls always have to be so confusing?”
Well gentlemen you are no different
You are just as confusing to us as we are to you.
Why must you fight with your fist instead of your words

Why is it that after a fight you can act like everything is normal?
Do you understand what fighting is?
Do you know that it isn’t just some way to get your frustration out?
Can’t you be more civilized and put those caveman ways behind?

Do you realize when a girl likes you or do you only pay attention to the one that you like?
Do you know what it means when a girl befriends you?
Do you see what is right in front of your eyes?
Hello Open up that brain we all know that you have inside!

Pay attention to everyone and you just might
see the light that is right there in front of you.
Can you hear someone calling you?
Or do you dismiss that voice because it’s not the one you want to hear
Open your ears or you might miss the best thing that could ever happen to you.

There are things in life that got us to start asking questions
They are the things that no one can answer
The things that are just left unsaid
Things like "How do you know you are loved"
Is it shown in the actions?
Is it spoken out loud?

"How do you know if you are doing the right thing?"
Everyone has their own definition of the right thing,
   So who's definition do you follow?
"How do you know when you truly know that you know someone?"
Is it by knowing all their secrets?
Is it by knowing their likes and dislikes?
Or is it by knowing what to expect from that person?

So how do we answer these questions?
We lie. We say that we know the answer.
We say that it is in this one way rather than another way.
We pass on our miss guidance to our children and they pass it on too
There is never an ending cycle.

So instead of passing the misgivings on
Such as "A boy picks on you because he likes you"
Lets not teach our daughters to appreciate abuse but
     To teach them to stay strong and speak out
Tell them that only time and experience can give you the answer,
      So keep searching and don't ever stop.

The crushes that we have in life
They are the things that keep us going
Now crush doesn't necessarily have to be on a person
A crush can be on a thing like a tv show or some fantasy or on a hobby

These crushes are what keep us moving on and on
Even if we may not notice it we are living for something
Its just finding that something to live for is the tough part of living

There may be push backs from these crushes
You realize that they are fantasy, they reject
Or you find that it just doesn't bring you any more joy
But that is the fun of a crush, you can change it and not feel bad about it

Have your crushes
What ever people may say
What they might think it doesn't matter
As long as you're happy with how things are

Live life
Dream big
Love long
And be happy no matter what

The ups and the downs
Those are the things that build your character
They shape you around the edges
They make a blurry picture clear

The things that we go through may not be the best of times
They are however the things that change our future
They bring out what is in your heart
Those are the things that we shall remember

There are always going to be experiences that make us cry
They are either happy tears or sad
There are always those people that will try everything they can
To tear away the happiness that is inside of you

They are the people that are jealous because you are happy and they are not
The more you let those people get to you
The more miserable you will be
So stand tall and hold on ‘cause the ride ahead is a tough one

There are these people that tell me that they love me
Then i turn my back and they curse me
I do not hate them but I love them
I love them because I know that they don’t know why I am the way I am

I am me, a child of God
He loves me and He shows me everyday
With every breath and every smile that is shown to me
He is everywhere and in my heart
He told us to love all and spread our love
We say “ I will love who you love” but how many of you actually follow through with that

I know we all have our ups and down
Our roller coaster rides that makes us dizzy
I hope that you understand that no one is perfect
The world has this impression that if you do not meet their terms of beautiful you are ugly

There are kids that are pushed to their limit
Those who are bullied by those who love them
Those that are bullied by those who hate them
I just want to say that i love you
God loves you and we both think that you are beautiful.

No matter what the world may think
No matter what those people think you will always be beautiful
You will always have someone who loves you
So please don’t forget it.