you can't define
you can't testify
you can't feel what's on the inside
you objectify but you cannot
dissect my mind like you can dissect my intestines
i am not a frog in your eighth grade biology class for you to classify
or magnify
i need my thoughts to nullify
so that i
can mollify the things in my mind that escape through the lips that i want to be made into prisons for the criminals that are my words

how can you say that i can resist the problem using my brain
when the problem itself is just that

it is more than fighting fire with fire
it is desire fighting desire
the desire to be admired
to acquire
what is dire for this shell that holds my brain to not expire


the words that escape my lips are not to be abided by
i am biding time
i will falsify what i feel inside to protect the heart that beats in
your chest
not mine because mine is not as dignified
as glorified as your is in my eyes


but it's not a big deal.
it's not worth your worries
it's not worth your troubles or your cares or your calls or your hurries to ask me if i'm fine because i am
i'm fine
i'm fine
i'm dying inside
i'm fine.


but i'm sorry
please don't take it personal
i was having a rough day

you weren't supposed to because i knew what would happen.
it did.
i knew you'd hurt me and i knew you wouldn't mean to
it shouldn't hurt me as much as it does,
it was barely a week
barely a kiss on the cheek of desperation and late nights
and standing in the sun waiting for you to unlock your car
and chasing me down the sidewalk
so tall
so small
so short a time
to get my heart reached into and retracted back
because you were already holding on to someone else's
and it wouldn't be fair to hold on to both so just let go of mine
it's fine
it's fine

paint me in loyalty
sketch me in trust
trace my outline and awe
and draw me in longing

this was not supposed to happen.
you weren't supposed to notice.
you weren't supposed to grab my hand
you were supposed to flick it away like i wanted
i wanted you to hold it but you weren't supposed to
i wanted
you to pull me into your arms and for me to cry into them
but i wanted you to say i was annoying and that you wanted nothing to do with me
because at least then
there would be a black and white answer like i wanted but i got a rainbow of confusion and pulses and clammy hands and tears and hugs and a foggy mind just like i wanted
i wanted
you to do the opposite because now
i want
to know whats next and i don't know what it is yet
but you
want it and
i want it

so let's just for once
do exactly what we wanted to

i like rock music
i enjoy a cup of tea
i like ripped jeans
but i like sitting by the sea

i can spit out curses
and wear frilly shirts
i dislike chaos
but shout it with my words

i am a mess of contradictions
a stew of mixed up thoughts
a harmony in a song
with lyrics that are never sought

when the air is bright and clear
and the temperature begins to cool
when the children dress as ghouls
and sunshine bleeds into the atmosphere
when you begin reminiscing on yesteryear
and the chill begins to creep to each molecule
how could the memory be so cruel?
is it merely your own fear?
this is fall
when you reflect upon your twisted past
and they haunt you one and all
they attack you quiet and fast
until those memories you start to maul
until this season has passed.
-s.t.