I never noticed her,
But she was always there in the background
I remember the way that her father braided her hair
I remember seeing the flash of her bright green notebook for just a second
I never saw her right away
I saw her in the scenery of pictures
In her red skirt, the only one she owns
She always clapped the loudest for me

I never noticed her, but she was always there
She always left me something
A note on the wall,
Her face in a picture
Her notebook that she would never let me read
A text message the next morning;
Two words, and I never wrote back
One day, she drew me
She said she had nothing else to draw

I'm fascinated by her shadow
She is more like a gust of wind than a human being
It's like chasing after a balloon that I've let go of outside
I can't put a butterfly in a jar
But I can leave out an orange slice and let her hesitate
I can leave clues behind,
Something, just in case,
She doesn't see me.

I gave up a little today
It shows when I smile:
Half broken, trying too hard
Trying to learn not to love
Holding onto the idea that someday I will get to love
Again
Giving up on my dreams of a perfect house,
A beautiful dress
I'm trying not to imagine spinning around a ballroom with someone, because
Everytime I wake up from those daydreams, my heart gets broken
I've given up on beauty:
I cut my hair and called it "powerful,"
But really,
I'm just trying to be a kid again
I've finally given in to fairytales and knights in shining armour,
But I've given up on finding my own

The day I forget to say it...
It's the day you get hit by a car
You decide life isn't worth living anymore,
And walk out into the street
The busy highway
I think of the headlines;
"Teenager Accidentally Wanders into Busy Street"
Or
"High School Student Dead after Collision with Speeding Driver"
Or the one they would never print;
"Teenager Gave Up, Threw Themself onto Highway"
The day I forget to hold you is the day you forget what it feels like to be held

And I won't give up,
Even if you become a puddle in my hands
I'll find a way to save you.
I won't give up on thinking that we can save everyone
I remember kicking and screaming when he told me over and over that I couldn't save everyone

It will always be my job to pull them out of the street before the car comes
Hush them and whisper in their ears like children,
Like children who have seen their whole world dying
Like children who were faced with life and death and chose death
And no matter how hard it hurts me, I will never choose death
No one ever has to choose death!
But someone else has to choose love,
And quiet, understated understanding
Someone has to choose to stay

Every time I chose to stay, I imagined one less person on the highway that night
Every time I chose to tell someone that it really will be alright,
I imagined one less headline they had to censor
Everyday, I try to imagine saving someone
Imagine one less driver who feels the impact before they could see the kid,
One less kid in an emergency room
One less family that has to choose life or death for their child, now
We like to pretend that we're so grown up
But when I imagine being too late,
I imagine myself next to the hospital bed, clutching a teddy bear

Sometimes, that family is mine.
Sometimes, that child is me and I will not give up on her.
I wouldn't let her family pull the plug and I wouldn't let you pull yours, either, because
I don't want to wake up tomorrow to another headline trying to cover up another second too late.

I think I'm a porcelain doll that fell off the shelf
I need someone to pick me up and dust me off,
Straighten out my arms and legs
Maybe they'll repaint my eyes
Something dull, grey with a dull finish
I think they'll take away my red dress
Replace it with something Victorian and lady-like
They'll force shoes on my feet

I don't really know where I went wrong... Maybe
They wanted calligraphy instead Comic Sans
They wanted the hundred instead of the ninety-nine
They wanted to name me something simple, like a number
I wanted to be named after the wildflowers on my old dress
If I drew them on my arm, they would wash them off with a scratchy sponge and harsh words
I wanted my walls to be yellow but they made them white,
Sat me on a shelf I couldn't reach
With my legs crossed and my spine straight

When a mother came in to buy a doll for her daughter,
She chose me
Because I am an example of a lady
Lifeless pale skin
And shoes that would break my ankles if I could stand
But they didn't teach me to stand by myself
They told me that I had to be held
My mouth opens only when somebody wants me to speak
My eyes close when you tip me backwards

When I tell someone how I was forced into submission, they say
"No! You were manufactured that way."
I have a number printed on my back, just like everybody else
No matter how hard I try to rub the ink off
The only marks that rub off are the ones I make

They gave me one pen and said,
"Don't worry! It's washable."
As if I were afraid of the impact I might have with a permanent marker
As if I were afraid of having my voice heard
My voice wouldn't be graceful
I couldn't put a child to sleep using lullabies
But I could start a revolution with a single sentence
As if I were afraid of a revolution

Maybe it would crack my perfect skin
All of the hairline fractures he painted over would become chasms or even tattoos
My Victorian dress would catch fire and become red again for a second
Just before turning black
Something bold
Maybe the grey would chip off of my eyes and somehow-
They'd be green again

At some point, I realized that I needed to build my own world
It was hard at first, trying to follow my parents' lead
And taking templates from my friends
I built a city of grey mismatched with pink and social expectations
But I wanted a universe
I wanted to build a planet made just of water
I wanted to build highways to stars and I wanted them to be green
At some point, I realized that I had to build my own world
My parents would always tell me to build grey offices and white hospitals
My friends would always build pink house with perfect husbands
But I wanted rooms with words written on the walls
And half-painted corners
At some point, I realized that my reality wasn't part of my family's
My reality was a whole new spark
A whole new Big Bang
Sometimes I remember all of the times that my father tried to explain to me why he works in a grey office building
Some day, I'm going to work in the ******* sky
And if that sky is just in my mind then so be it
At some point, I realized that I was going to have to break down those offices and perfect pink houses
At some point, I decided to paint my ceiling half way.
At some point, I decided to cut off my hair and not tell anyone
At some point, I decided to write him a letter
At some point, I realize that I had given him part of my universe, because he helped me build it
When I said that I wanted to make the floor blue, he listened
Every time I painted, he said it was beautiful
When I wanted to write a book, he gave me time to write a book
I built a tiny planet made only of water
I built a dance floor, cluttered with papers I'll never finish, and words on the wall
One morning, I woke up and turned my voice on
I learned to open my mind instead of my arm and I learned that blood isn't always red
I learned to sing songs my whole family has forgotten,
I learned to say words that painted pictures
I learned to remember the grey office buildings, maybe I have a picture somewhere...
But I've replaced them with myself.

I am shockingly aware
Of what time it is
Of the muscles I didn't stretch well enough
Of the grammatical mistake I made in that text message six hours ago
Of the fact that I didn't tell you I love you today
Of my hair ******* too high
Of my shorts being too small and my tanktop too large
Of the brightness on my cellphone not having a setting low enough to accomodate my headache
Of which direction my boyfriend is from here
(I don't think he like my teddy bear)
Of the motorcycle that just drove by
Of my fan that doesn't have an in-between setting
Of the bruises and bug bites on my legs
Of the burn on my hand from chemistry
Of that fact that you are asleep already
Of the fact that I just so happen to be the last person awake in my family
Of every time my dog breathes in and out
Of how tired I am but if I tried to sleep, my brain would laugh at me
Of how alone I must be right now because no one else I know forgot to pick up a prescription and thus must lay here, awake all night
Of how beautiful it feels to close my eyes
Of how limited and scarce sleep is
How gentle and warm.

The thing that kills me is that we can't get to everyone in time
"Was found in critical condition after suicide attempt in his room..."
I wonder if their friends couldn't hear them crying
I wonder if they closed their door too many times
I wonder if they forgot to smile
It's a small failure everytime you hear,
"Teenager hung themselves from door frame with a belt,"
Every headline that reads,
"Mother of Two Overdosed on Prozac"
I wonder how everyone forgot to tell them that they are important
I wonder if I am the only teenager that woke up this morning to a story of yet another suicide
All I could tell my friend this morning on the phone was that I didn't understand
Who failed to say, "I love you."?
I remember every story I read about someone choking on carbon monoxide
I remember the day I accidentally turned on the car with the garage door closed and my mother cried:
To every single person who has killed themselves-
There is someone in the world who wants to hold your hand right now, and they can't!
I still can't understand death when I'm staring right at it!
I remember the first time I had a friend who cut themselves and I didn't do anything!
I left...
Every person is a story, and you don't need to end yours before someone can hear it.

I fell asleep last night pretending you were next to me
I woke up from a nightmare and was startled when I couldn't find your hand

You are the biggest mistake I've ever wanted to make

I want to love you like midnight-
Deep and beautiful
Familiar
I want to love you like the gardens I grew up in
Expansive and forever
As if we grew up together
Maybe we still will
I want to love you like warm blankets in the air conditioning
Cuddly and together
I want to love you as if glitter makes me more attractive
I want you to love me like a puppy dog
I want to be sweet for you
I want to be the perfect little girl
I want to be your sweetheart
I want to be everything for you

You are everything to me :)

This poem is for everyone who is reading it at midnight.
It's hard to be encouraging to you.
I'm writing this at midnight.
I can't sleep, either
The never ending rush of existence that lives inside of you,
I feel it
I feel it, too
At night I become a display case,
Showing everyone every shred of me
Every brutal scar that my clothing couldn't hide
Covered up by waking up
Or the clock striking seven,
Forcing another sleepless night
Slowly begining to fade the nightmares from before
Nightmares aren't dreams, they're memories
I show them on my skin like tatoos
All night,
I try and hand my consciousness to you
All night,
I try to convince myself there is a reason to wait for tomorrow
All night I face self loathing and terror
Every night I wish I weren't alone
Some nights,
I remember that I'm not

My life is not poetic.
I grew up sick on the bathroom floor
I learned that my stomach was broken and it would be until I was twelve
I learned how to swallow pills
I learned the directions to the hospital
And all of my doctors' phone numbers

I grew up at four in the morning
Horrified that if I cried too loud my parents would wake up,
Lonely and isolated,
No one to reach out to,
I learned that everybody else knew how to fall asleep

I grew up in hospital waiting rooms
I learned how to spit out the same information over and over again
I learned that I wasn't allowed to cry when they stuck needles in me
I learned that my body wasn't mine anymore until they learned how to fix it

I grew up like a lot of other people
Except I couldn't go on roller coasters
And I was good friends with the school nurse
I stayed home most of December my fifth grade year
After hospital tests, my daddy didn't make me go back to school.
First grade me remembers falling asleep in the MRI
Fifth grade me remembers giving up on therapy
High school me cut herself because she was afraid of getting sick
My life is not poetic
All the stuff in between sounds pretty

But some days I still wake up alone on the bathroom floor
Out of medication and out of hope because I was the small percent that didn't grow out of my genes when I was twelve
High school me has flashbacks to the hospital waiting rooms
I remember the face of the nurse who did the ultrasound
And the one who did my second x-ray
I grew up afraid of my own broken body that nobody quite knew how to put back together

Let's make a crown out of roses
Let's have a color war and save the tshirts
Let's build a rope swing over the river
Let's build a fort out of blankets and lock ourselves in
Let's get our faces painted
Let me write your name in glitter
Let's make a cake together
Let's walk home together
Let's find each others' faces in the clouds or the night sky
Let's paint pictures of each other
Let's decorate for the holidays and wear coordinating Halloween costumes
Let's be afraid to dress up fancy
Let's get excited over tv shows and movies and comic books
Let's go roller skating together
Let's go to Comic Con and Vidcon
Let's sneak out and have caffeine after four pm
Let's sneak out and pretend that we know what the hell we're doing
Let's be together.

I tried sleeping for about five minutes,
But my foot started twitching
And the lights started ganging up on me
And I swear there were spiders crawling up the trees painted on my wall to get to me
I watched the glass melt out of my window and thought,
"I want to be like that."
I want to melt into a world not dictated by fear
I'm afraid of my own skin,
Hoping that clothes will protect one hand from the other
I'm afraid of half-wit memories
Half faded
Half fuzzy
Half real
I really don't remember doing that thing I did in my sleep, but I'm going to pretend to
Sleep seems now so far away
The lights blink when I do and the spiders stop when I open my eyes

Dream Me saw her little sister in a bright red body bag-
Familiar
Dream Me remembered the red from before
Dream Me was aware that she was thinking,
Dream Me saw the killer
Dream Me had to tell her mother her daughter was killed and she knew the killer
Real Me saved Dream Me's memories
Dream Me was real when she recognized her sister was dead
Dream Me was real while she watched the killer turn around
Dream Me was real when she thought it was her fault
Dream Me killed Real Me when Real Me fell asleep
But Dream Me was real...
Dream Me was alive,
She had memories, she was complex and self-aware
Dream Me was alive, but I killed her when I woke up.

I'll probably be asleep when you get this, when you wake up**
I'll probably be starting class when you get out
I'll probably be at lunch while your at dinner
You'll probably be asleep when I am,
Getting ready for bed when I get out of class

I don't feel stuck.
I feel like there's a way out, I just haven't found it yet
Somewhere in this whole mess,
I broke my smile
My hair got caught on a branch and cut so I can't braid it anymore
The part of this maze that was supposed to be shaded is on fire,
I can still see it if I look back
And I have nightmares about lighting it and pouring gasoline
The trees are too tall to climb
And they turned off the light at the end of the tunnel
It's there, but I'm not going to see it
Sort of like nitrogen in the air
I feel it though
I feel it like the heartbeat in my feet, hitting the ground in steady rhythm,
Running because I know I could be wrong
And the next dead end could get me to crack,
God knows my skin already has
I'm holding my heart in my hands as a last resort
I wonder if the fire's catching up.

You make me feel safe.
I can fall asleep when I'm talking to you because I feel like there is a reason to wake up
I feel like there's a chance I won't have nightmares.
No matter what you say it's a lullaby
So I am a little girl and you are my big brother,
My guardian,
The blanket that keeps me from shivering at night
You are like turning off the light that seeps under my door so that I can't see shadows,
You are like telling me you locked the door fifteen times so I don't have to
You are like checking for spiders and finding out there aren't any
Like shut blinds and soft-glowing green alarm clocks
You probably can't imagine how alone I am because I am completely terrible at needing people but I need you
I need the door locked fifteen times,
I need blankets and reassurance
And total darkness except for soft green glows
I need to know you'll be there if I wake up screaming because I already know that no one else will.

We don't have time to slow down,
Only to speed up
We're already dragging our tails and falling behind
We don't have time to stop
Only to charge
To rush the enemy
There's no time left to kiss goodbye

So just drag me away
Hold my hand and let go slowly
Draw out the singular second we have left and then run in opposite directions

We don't have time for a lengthy good-bye
We don't have time to unlock doors so just break them down
My biggest fear is that they say we haven't tried
Hearing someone say we backed down
We don't have time to give this anything less than everything
There's no time left to give up

So just drag me away
Hold my hand and let go slowly
Draw out the singular second we have left and then run in opposite directions

This is your chance to stop the clock:
We'll meet in the middle,
Flank to the left
Can you imagine breaking down their walls?
Charge center
Synchronize our footsteps and make sure they never saw us coming
We don't have time to slow down

So just drag me away
Hold my hand and let go slowly
Draw out the singular second when time slowed down
Forget the explosions and crumbling stone-

Hold my hand and let go slowly.
Remember forgetting-
We don't have time to forget
Remember all of the times we backed down
Think that that's all over
We have a fighting chance just,

Remember the fireworks
Remember the sparks we can't see with the lights on
Remember that there are other colors being absorbed by the air
Remember that that's everything standing between me and you
-and the enemy
Remember who the real enemy is

Just drag me away
Hold my hand and let go slowly
Draw out the singular second we have left and then run in opposite directions

We don't have time to hold our hearts or fight ourselves anymore
Take aim, Soldier.
Don't wait for the sparkle in her eyes
Run away with her!

Just drag me away
Hold my hand and let go slowly
Draw out the singular second we have left and then run in opposite directions

Grab my wrist so I can grab your's
I've heard it's stronger like that
We don't have time to let go
Who the hell turned the hour glass over? * I wasn't ready*
All of the time we lost turning around in slow motion, still,
We missed each other.

So drag me away
Hold my had and let go slowly
Draw out the singular second we have left and then run in opposite directions
I don't need to watch you go again

We don't have time to fix the broken,
They don't want bandaids on their hearts, they want stitches
And we're out of thread
I couldn't hold her hand when she died, I didn't know she was dying
But you can hold mine now or you can try,
But we don't have time to fall out of step
And we sure as hell don't have time to grip at nothing so find the **** ledge!
Everything right now counts, but you are the only thing that matters

So drag me away
Hold my hand and let go slowly
Draw out the singular second we have left and then run in opposite directions

We don't have time to watch the world burn when it isn't on fire
We don't have to fail so close to winning.

Time in on our side and so are all the fireworks,
The crumbling stone,
The colors bouncing around in the air and missing our eyes
I don't know what the answer is but I know that it looks pretty when we clasp our hands together in front of the falling empire
We have time now,
Because they fell first
My biggest fear is that they say we haven't tried
Our tired hands numb in the loosened grip of each others'

So drag me away.
Grab my hand and let go slowly,
Hesitate on the ends of my fingertips,
Draw out the singular second we have left and then never let go.

Do you hear that?
It's the sound of thoughts, leaking out of my head.
I want to tell you everything, but I've run out of ink
And time
A single bomb can only do so much damage
I wish you could just see inside my head-
It's never empty,
Almost always filled with you

Yes,
This is a dream
I know that may be hard for you to except, seeing as you can't actually change anything
But it's true. So wake up.

Congratulations. You managed to sleep until three AM. No, you cannot go back to sleep.

No,
No one else is awake yet.

No,
Playing that song you hear in your head,
(Over and over)
Will not make it go away. It is not recommended.

Yes,
You should write down every terrifying second of that dream because right now,
It's a memory, not a dream.

Yes,
You actually do feel that angry and hurt
You can actually see that bruise on your arm
You are actually crying.

No,
You are not the one screaming in your ears, but maybe in your head.
No one else can hear you.

Yes,
The fear is actually there.

No, I can't tell you how to fix this
I'm so sorry.

Yes, you absolutely must be terrified
Forget how to breathe
Hear your own heart beating too fast

Resent your heart for beating,
Your brain for thinking
Your body for being cold and stiff
The air for being silent
Your friends for being asleep
Yes, It has to be like this and you don't get a choice.

Yes,
This is a dream.
I know that may be hard for you to except, seeing as you can't actually change anything
But it's true.
So, please,
**Wake up.

My daddy always told me not to wish away time
Whenever we said we couldn't wait till Christmas
Or even our favourite show to come on to television

I feel stories the way a dragon breathes fire
It's magic and it's dangerous, but it's actually real
There are sparks shooting from my fingertips,
Maybe even getting into peoples' heads
I want to show you all of the beautiful things I've seen
The incredible storm you can't hear out your window;
It's everywhere I look and I can feel it
I'm trying to catch light and give it to you before it fades away
My memories are bending over backwards to run away
I'm tripping over myself to put them on display

My daddy always told me not to wish away time
I'm not wishing it away anymore
I'm begging it to stop.

You could kiss me
But you seem so far away in both body and mind
That I don't think you will

My hand has been outstretched to you for so long that I'm afraid you can't see it

I wonder if I've become a ghost to you, the way you have to me.
Whenever I try to lean into you, I fall into a canyon
Like I somehow missed your body
And then the ground broke away from our feet
But you aren't falling with me

I don't know how to kiss, but you can teach me
But first, become a solid entity, exist where I can see you, even if that's through a screen. Tell me that you will hold my hand as soon as I see you. Tell me you love me, because it doesn't matter if anyone else does. And don't worry about what people will say because I won't let them drown us.

Let me write you a letter, in cursive script.
Practiced, intricate loops, most beautiful when I write your name
Forget that someone is watching our every move like a dancer on a stage.

Maybe we are dancing. Or maybe we should be.

You could kiss me. I wouldn't mind.

My heartbeat is loud than the traffic on the busy street outside my window
I can't remember how to breathe
I'm scared and I miss you
Your name echoes around in my head, filling all of the empty space.

I fell asleep staring at my phone
Waiting for you
Hoping sometime you'd hear
My whispers that never existed
My mind caving in and my walls giving out
I'm waiting for you tonight
One more attempt at your hand
I miss being allowed to love you
When I get a chance I still lace in the words
Of my favourite songs and I'm waiting for you to notice.
I'm waiting for you in my dreams
I wonder if I've been waiting for you for too long,
Or if you've been waiting for me, too
But I won't ask, because somebody might answer
I won't ask because I might give up on you
I might stop thinking that every shadow on the wall is your silhouette
I might stop loving your beautiful ghost
I'm holding on to nothing because nothing is the most I've ever had
I'm waiting for you to tell me you love me, and if I wait forever, I don't care
Because I've fallen in love with the idea of holding your hand
You are not gone, you're just waiting in the shadows
One of these days, I'll get to see your face again,
Rounding the corner fast enough.
I remember all the days I wake up screaming, and hope that you can fix everything.
All the days you fade into vapour,
It makes rainbows as it passes by the light
So maybe something good is about to happen
I need to hear your voice somewhere other than my mind
Sometimes I feel like everything is tearing me apart
Sometimes I feel like the tears are made of acid,
Working the way that water can break glass
Or fingertips can crack chalk
I am sad tonight, and if sad means beautiful to you,
Then society has made a mistake.
When did we start describing blood as beautiful crimson?
I think today will be the first time that I've cried myself to sleep
Missing you
And fearing the dreams I haven't even had yet

I hold out pens like cigarettes.

I sent an old friend a "Happy Birthday" text and then deleted her number.
I like to think that she never replied because I blocked her number,
But I don't remember

I want to know if she wanted to forget me.

I never want to forget again.

I've drawn your face with words
I've drawn her's with tally marks,
Counting all of the of the times that I thought back to that mistake

Words are forever,
And I hope you are, too,
But in case you aren't,
I never want to forget

I am holding on to every second I saw your face
People try to take that from me
That's one reason I have no friends:
Your memory is a better friend than they could ever be
So I hold on to you, instead.

I need to hold your hand
And let go of her's
But yours is just out of reach
And her's faded years ago.
I have fallen in love with holding on to nothing
To no one's hand
No one can be my best friend when they have to be
I wish I didn't have to be alone

I hold out pens like cigarettes
Because I hope that my words can leave permanent marks.

When I went to type this web address into Google, I almost typed your name.
I am so mad at you
You show up and disappear
And you don't even let me know you're gone.
I just smile like an idiot at the little green dot on Facebook that says you're online.
I just want you to talk to me
And you do,  I mean
You are there...
For five whole minutes until you're not.
I have everything to say to you
But you don't seem to understand the concept of staying. You've just gotten so good at your little disappearing act.
I'm the only one left in the audience, and

I'm not clapping

Why shouldn't people like you?
You write well, you dance, you sing,
And you know what? So do hookers.

It was terrifying how you would always turn to me when no one was looking,
When I couldn't run away
When I couldn't scream
Like how people always trap me in the corner during checkers
I'm supposed to be good at this.
I'm supposed to be smart.
We're all supposed to be something,
But you're supposed to be nice
And you're not
So let's start there.
Remember when you told me not to talk to people because we "don't know who they are?"
You chewed my pens
And you ask stupid questions
You laugh at everything about me
I reach out to hundreds of people a day,
There's nothing about me to laugh at.
You treat people like barbie dolls;
They're all perfect, if their hair looks good
And all their heads come off.

Congratulations!
You've won a nobel peace prize by punching out the judges.
You've got the most perfect smile,
When people can't see your fangs;
The fangs that you have only shown to me.

I can't take you down,
O! High and mighty mistress.
Have you noticed I'm not even trying?
Maybe if you weren't here I could forget your name:
Forget the feeling of your hand on my arm
Throwing me down so you wouldn't have to take a hit
And dragging me away from my friends & myself

Excuse me if I damage your flawless reputation
Or priceless ego
But I can't touch you,
So this is why I don't like you.

PARTICLE ACCELERATION!
I have given up on the chaos today,
I shout at people, because maybe if I make them mad enough,
They won't talk to me
I want to be in physics class right now.
I want to be in love.
He's the only voice I want to hear;
The only face I want to see.
But really,
I'm tired and I just want to go to sleep.

I'm learning to let my realities blend
I swear, I
Blink for a second, but minutes pass
It's like I fell asleep
My letters switch and I can't
Describe the way I see my room

It's hard to look at the broken walls
With sharp, thick lines
Like the way they divide countries
It's hard not to write a love poem
Even as I fall asleep

In my head,
It pulls apart first
Where the floor meets the wall
My window stays intact
But the floor boards are ripped up
The wall is sharp and jagged

The blackness in the middle
Is horrifying
And beautiful and intriguing
I'm not afraid of being tired
But I've typed the wrong letters
And the image is gone

I'll stay up all night to show you a flash
The empty space where my walls used to be
I wake up and it's gone
So I'm fighting to find the keys
I forget what I was fighting for

I write down everything I think
Because I'll close my eyes for a second
And then I won't remember
I wake up with ripped up drawings
And poems
That I don't remember making

I want to say one more thing to you before I go to sleep,
Like I do every single night,
But I can't find my hands.
It takes me three tries to turn off the lights
And then I am scared of the dark

My thoughts don't linger long enough to express to you. I'll sit here, peacefully, and wait for the room to fall apart. I listen to my racing thoughts silence each other and I forget what I was going to say to you. I sit there until I am too tired to stay upright and I fall asleep. Some nights are still restless, but the others-
I forget.

Would it change things if you were still here?
I think about that a lot,
If you hadn't left,
Would you have loved me?
Would it change things
If I weren't so tall?
If I kept my hair neater?
Wore shoes that weren't sneakers?
Would it have change things if I weren't so scared all the time?
If things didn't fall out of line?
Would you have changed?

Don't you fall asleep before the sun goes down
Just listen to my voice and stay awake

The fire barely burned you, darling
You won't feel the pain
Just listen to my voice and stay awake

The word "Love" sounds exactly like your name
Except it has completely different letters and
Syllabuls and
Sounds
I love to write your name

Are you there?
Can you be there?
Can you hear me calling your name?
Can you see the way I did my hair?
Have you read the things I've written for you?
Can you feel the love I send to you?
Can you see me smile?
Do you know that I love you?

I imagine you taking my hand and spinning me
Like my daddy did when I was a little girl
I imagine my dress flaring like it does when I dance around the kitchen
When I remember the night my father showed me how to Waltz
And I kept stepping on his feet,
I remember how for a few seconds, I swore he was you
Somedays, You're just a passing daydream
Somedays, I need you more than I need to breathe
Somedays I can't breathe without you
I understand that the walls came crashing in
And time slowed down
And we let ourselves break
But we're still standing
You're eyes still look like galaxies
And if you were here right now,
You'd still be holding my hand

Some nights I should wake up screaming,
But I remember what nightmares feel like
The shadows on the walls make monsters look bigger
But we can turn on the lights
Four Am is just one hour from five and five is one hour from six and school starts at seven
So it's not much farther

You want me to tell you how I slit my wrists
Or how I became addicted to drugs
You want me to tell you how much I hate my life
How sad I am
You want to find beauty in my pain
You want the blood to paint pictures for you
But I never hurt myself
I sat and watched my friends break
I tried to help, at first
But it became easier to sit
And watch
And sing pretty songs so I can't hear them crying
There are exceptions
People worth saving
People worth fighting for
But everyone else;
I wish they'd just fight for themselves.