Mascara crusting, drying between tears
Core shaking with every wail
Head pounding, craving a breath of clear air
Right hand shaking uncontrollably needing control
Cheeks turning red, hot, and angry wanting revenge  

eyes closed silently
Memories blast past

His hand, my dark washed jeans, the only barrier between my skin and his
Muscles tense up
Pointer. Middle. Ring. Pinky, on the seam where one end meets another, thumb inside
Frozen in speed staring blankly across the room
Up three inches down one, repeat five times
Higher, higher, higher  
Hand grabs at my zipper
Instincts, do something
Run away

open eyes, back in my room
Still shaking, mascara still crusting, core still breaking, head still pounding.

the world doesn’t stop moving
not for me
not for him
not for anyone

Wipe away my tears
Get up off the bed
Walk over to the bathroom
Stare in the mirror

I don’t like what I’m looking at

Weak
Broken
Worthless
Nothingness

Lean against wall
Slowly slide down towards cool gray tile
Icy cold hits my upper thighs

Close my eyes

Lean over the ground
Hair strands surround my face
Heat rushes over my body

Sleep arrives
Sleep takes over
I let it take control
I give in

I am scared;
constantly
scared that I will see him
walking into the grocery store
going out to eat
shopping at the mall
that I will turn around and see him
and the only thing worse than being scared of seeing him is not seeing him
not getting an apology
not getting to scream
not even getting to stand in front of him utterly terrified
but having to think of how he is moving on with his life
new school
new people
a whole new start
how I am stuck sitting here writing about him
how I can’t move on
how I am stuck
stuck here
writing to you

Stares burn through me
Conversations stop
Whispers spread
Rumors start

Sitting in the back of the room
Nails gripping into my skin
I want to scream
It flashes back

Can I go to the bathroom
Check under the stalls
Slip up cry, go away
Clean makeup

Walk into the room and sit down
People stop and stare
Class starts again
I don’t

Watching the clock high on the wall
Waiting for the hand to move
Grabbing books
Running

They are all talking about you
You need to come back
I will be there for you
It will be better

I'm forced to come back by others
Cold cuts through me
I can’t breath
I see them

I can suddenly breath
I smile back at them
Others look
Oh no

Stares burn through me
Conversations stop
Whispers spread
Rumors start

It will all go away soon sweetie
They will stop talking
Just trust me
Please

Walking the halls once again, again for them  
The same cold rips through me
It is not better
Not at all

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If I could I would fill the room with roses
If I could I would hire a string quartet
If I could I would get down on one knee
and propose

If we could we would buy a house with a white picket fence
If we could we would have three perfect children
If we could we would grow old together
and die together
But we can’t.
because of the things they said
because of the looks they gave
because of the thoughts you heard
because of the heart they broke
because the bottle was close
because death was warm and welcomed
because of them.
We can’t die together
grow old together
have three children together
buy a house together
I can’t propose
can’t get down on one knee
can’t hire a string quartet
can’t fill the room with roses
Because of them.