I swear on my grave
That this will be the last time
I write a poem about you

I swear that this
Will be my final release
Me letting your memory go
Let some other girl spend nights thinking about you

I swear to myself
That this stream on consciousness
Placed on paper will be the last time
I waste words on you

I swear to you that this
Is the end of my feelings
That that pang of sadness
That twist of the knife will go away

I swear to Gods that I don't believe in
That I will use this as an opportunity
To learn to love myself and not
Some boy who will give it all away

I swear to everyone that
I won't look through the poetry
I wrote about you, the words you stole from me
The time I wasted, stringing words together about your smile

I can swear all I like
But here I am, crying at 10:07
Writing yet another poem about you
I swear that I'm a liar

Anorexia was the most attentive
Girlfriend anyone could ask for
And I fell hard for her
I fell for for 500 calories a day,
The sense of control it gave me
Compliments from girls I'd never talked to before
Doctors so pleased that I was finally "healthy"
That feeling,
Of stepping on the scale
And realizing that I took up less space
Than when I'd stepped on the day before
The feeling of water hitting an empty stomach
The hunger pangs
That secretly thrilled me
The thrill of the lies
The ones that became ever so easy
To slip off my tongue
The thrill of a secret love affair with death
I fell for an abuser
I fell...
Literally
Bruises lined my body
From bumping into walls
Because my body was so
Malnourished I couldn't
Walk down a hallway
Fell down a rabbit hole-
Fell down into a world I couldn't escape-
Thigh gaps, thinspiration, tips and tricks to
Hide this wonderland in your head
Walking headfirst into Anorexia was like walking
Into a haunted house
It's fun and exhilarating at first
It's a game, it's harmless
And then you realize that the doors
Are barred and it dawns on you
That ringing the doorbell of death
Was not the best idea
I am a study in skinny does not make you happy
The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
Turns to 10
Turns to 20
Turns to...
I am a study in
Every inch of your body being a warzone
Of standing in front of a mirror
Seeing nothing but a piece of meat
Taking up too much space
I am a study in calculation
I am a study in lying
I am a study in not dead, but not alive
I am a study in starvation
I am a study in falling out of love

Our house is burning down.
The flames are lashing and tearing
every(our)thing in it's wake.
From the bottom to the top,
Our daughter's doll house,
our miniature planetarium in our bedroom,
my compilations of writings about you/I/us.

Don't rush for the door, dear.
There's still a chance we can subsidise these
gallowing flames that's trying furiously
to charr our ship in the message in the bottle
and our memories into ephemeral ash.

Stay.
For all the reasons to save what we have,
what we've longed for so long,
what we've built from the pit of our hearts.
So,
Stay.

We'll find our way through the maze
and through every well wishers curses.
We'll fix everything that needs to be tended to
and we'll grow to love each other once again.
**I'm staying.

Tell me how to get over it
how to be sober and live with it
how to stop craving their presence
and be ok with it
tell me how to get over it

Tell me how to get over it
how to forget a person was ever here
forget the pain they left
forget the depression that is here again
tell me how to forget

tell me how to forget the promises they left
the love they sent
and they violently took back
the pain they gave
the same pain I still feel
tell me how to understand
how she left