Yesterday I was thinking about you
& it terrified me that I could no longer
Remember what you looked like,
Or who you even were
Before cancer started to erode
All of your loveliness
I knew you didn’t want me to
Remember how you looked without hair
Or how your body became so weak
So I searched the depths of my mind
To find old memories of you
I can remember you coming to
My birthday parties and music recitals
But honestly I couldn’t remember
What you looked like then
And as my heart was breaking
That I had lost all of you
A flicker of a moment flashed in my mind
There you were sitting
At your dining room table
With your auburn curls and
Right before you took a sip
Of your diet Pepsi
You smiled
Then, along with the fleeting moment
You were gone
I wanted to cry
I had remembered you,
The real you

do I cry randomly? yes
do I get ******?yes
do I cry myself to sleep? yes
do I miss every second you're gone? yes
do I feel lonely at times? Yes
do I need you?yes
do I need a daily hug from you? yes
do I love you?yes
do I have feelings? yes
do I fight with you?yes
am I emotional? yes
would I risk my life and everything I live for, for you? hell yes

Loosing you,
Has now became my worst fear,
Yet I still don't see why they hate me,
You're my world and its as simple,
As 1. 2. 3.
But yet I'm loosing you.

People told me
       "get over it"
I tried.

People told me
       "get better grades"
I tried.

People told me
       "stop being so quiet"
I tried.

People told me
       "you look tired, get more sleep"
I tried.

People told me
       "just **** yourself already"
I'm trying.

Do it again
Over and over
Redo and retry
But you need to get it right perfectionist
No more slacking
But not that there ever was
150% 24/7
Aren't you tired?
No
Shouldn't you give up for now and try later?
No
Why?
Because I need it to be perfect right now

I'm fine. I promise. Please don't worry about me.

Anxiety
Controlling my everyday life
Anxiety
Taking my heart and throwing it against the wall
Anxiety
Wrapping around in my head to consume my thoughts
Anxiety
Crying and screaming against my throat
Anxiety
Crashing and thrashing its way into my body making me shudder
When theres a knock at the door
Anxiety
Lighting fires to my insides
Anxiety
Making my hands shake so someone will notice im unbalanced
Anxiety

You loved me like the
seasons and winter seems to
be where you’ve left me.