lub-dub lub-dub
defense-less, defea-ted,
deafen-ing drum-ing
bea-ting heart
unwanted reminder of life

i:
feel like nothing
like am nothing
nor was ever anything
nor will amount to something
insides:
scooped out like a melon
leaving a great gaping void
in the center of my chest
e m p t y
of thought, action, motivation,
drained of energy
of life of joy
of everything
e    m       t     y
of identity
e                     y
in heart
body
mind
soul
d
i
  s
   i
    n
     t
      e
       g
        r
         a
          t
          (i)nto
           (n)oth
         in(g).

there are times when everything is impossible

when i am capable of nothing

there are days when i just can’t seem to move

to act to work to fall into the old grooves

worn into my life by routine and expectations

there are days when it is impossible for me to do anything

when the words i am possible make me want to curl up into a ball

or punch someone in the face if only it didn’t take so much effort

there are days when it is impossible for me to paste on a smile

times when it is impossible for me do anything but lie down

despondent and tired

it is impossible for me sometimes to care

to lend a single tear to you

a pitiful ear

there are things that are so out of my control that it is impossible 

not to feel helpless, not to roll over and say no

there are things that feel impossible

in their sheer ginormity

or even in the challenges they present

it becomes impossible for me to just snap out of it like you say

to make myself want to live again

it becomes impossible not to wonder
what life would be like

if i were just to sleep

for all of eternity

it becomes impossible to hope

to dream

to feel

it becomes impossible for me to do anything but sleep

lost in the land of dreams where the dull monotony of life

is transformed into the impossible creation of my imagination

I held you in high regard,
your regard my deepest desire.

I wanted nothing but that spark of approval in your eyes
So I removed mine, blind to your faults,
And broke my bones, reattached them where you pleased,
mutated myself into a response to your needs.

I bent over backwards trying to make myself worthy of you,
worthy of a two second glance, of a slight uptick of lips,
when it struck me,
like a lightning bolt;
an epiphany.

I am not a contortionist.

I am not a mound of clay
to be moulded according to your expectations.

I am not water in a receptacle,
assuming the shape of it,
spreading myself thin or shrinking myself to fit.

I am the sea, the ocean, wild and free
and a little bit tempestuous,
a little bit uncertain,
a little bit blue,
but mostly,
not tamed by you-
not tempered by your desires-
not contained in your claustrophobic boundaries.

No more this simpering shadow of myself,
No more the swallowing of my words, choking on my laughter,
No more this false tittering at your behest,
No more the unravelling of my identity like a spool of thread,
No more the restitching of my being to be your best, not mine.
No more you, anymore,
Only more me.