is it wrong of me to hope that you can still smell me on your sheets?

i pray that the parts of me you set on fire and melted would sink into your mattress

stain your carpet

permanently fog your window.

i hope my smoke is trapped in your lungs and i never want you to stop hearing that fire alarm you caused because i feel like a dead soul after the damage that’s been done

the damage that has a name and the name is you.

so burn

i’ll throw your ashes in the lake we swam in and watch you drown.

and never feel sorry.

unraveling unintentionally,

loosely,

the ghosts that live inside of me are pulling at my hair constantly.

unraveling,

trying to get myself together.

unintentionally,

in a frenzy,

peeling the skin from my fingers until they bleed.

with your hands around my throat.

Call number one
I was going to tell you
How much of a ***** you were
For making me feel like this
But I hung up

Call number two
I was going to tell you
That everything was your fault
And you were the reason
We would never work out
But I hung up

Call number three
I was going to remind you
Of all the things you said
To me the last time I saw you
But I hung up

Call number four
I was going to scream
Scream until my lungs exploded
And the world went black
But I hung up

Call number five
I contemplated driving
To your house
In the pouring rain
And tell you everything in person
But I hung up

Call number six
I remembered how your smile
Used to make life
A little more bearable
But I hung up

Call number seven
I remembered how your eyes
Light up the sky
Because the stars were jealous
But I hung up

Call number eight
I gave up all hope
Of trying to make myself
Not want you
But I hung up

Call number nine
I decided that I would say
Everything I could
To get you back
But I hung up

Call number ten
I started to cry
My hands were violently shaking
As I tried to hold the phone
But I hung up

And then came call number eleven
I heard your favorite song
And I looked down

Call number eleven
You told me
That you were sorry
And then you hung up

Here I am
In front of a paper
As I try to write you
A sensible poem

I have not eaten
Nor have gotten up from bed
As I stared in the ceiling
Laying in wet and soiled sheets

Why is that, you may ask
Some may say I seek for attention
While some would say
What a pathetic kid

But you never asked
How I was feeling
How I try to survive
And live each day

Perhaps what I felt was nothing to you
You would say that I should move on
And forget about the past
But that can't be done overnight

You never listened to my stories
Nor did you cared when things went wrong
You only accepted the happiness I gave you
With nothing in return

Maybe, that’s why I kept my feelings
All bottled inside
That one day
I would just explode

Maybe, I feared people leaving me
For others that is so much better
Making me feel worthless
And all alone

I tried to conquer the miseries
I had when you left me
You that I have depended on
And you that has left

The wind has blown against my face
And the sun has already set
I've realized that I should learn
How to love myself first

-j.t.