I doubt you even care anymore
I've tried countless times
To edge you on
Yet I know I'm not master of emotions
I can't make you feel for me the way I feel for you
I know good guys finish last
The era of the perfect man is over
Men have become so accustomed
To always finishing last
They force themselves to be something
They were never meant to be
I'm no romantic
No superclass football player
No six pack having caveman
No party going rocket man
No 10" **** having man
I'm the last of a dying breed
And even my blood runs thin
So what did you expect
My patience to be eternal
Yeah I said I had patience
But what's the point
When socialism is key
To even trying for something you want
Good guys don't exist
Consider me dead
I'll put on the leather coats
Slick my hair back
Jump on a stolen Harley
Get tattoos for no ******* reason
Consider this heart of gold
Another ******* ashtray
Sorry I catch feelings when I'm compared to other people
Sorry I fancy myself unique
Sorry I actually have feelings
Sorry I fall to easy
**** it I'm done apologizing
This hopeless romantic routine is over
Me being me is done
I'll go back to being 13-15
Not giving a **** and ******* every girl
Who's interested in having a wild night
Hope I ******* made it clear
GOOD GUYS DON'T ******* EXIST

Your sleek ebony feathers
Cascading miles of white
Snow falling with each call for a mate
Piercing through the harsh icy winds
Raven. You're wasting your time
This winter has annihilated your chances
Of ever seeing her again
Your ebony beak now holds ice
Crystallizing your fears
You know death is nipping at you
As your wings of darkness flap
They only postpone this inevitable fate
You too shall fall like autumn leaves
Buried in the weight of winters sorrow
Like the roses and Lillie's you picked
Just for her on spring mornings
You know you're not a winter raven
You're just the last one to find happiness

I'm sorry
The moment you feared has arrived
Like the fat kid getting on the scale for the first time
Like the stoner taking a drug test
Like the old guy listening to the doctor
Here's the results
Yeah...it's over
I give up
You wont mind
Hell I know you wont
Its already like its over
Maybe I'll sail away on a kite
Get lost in between the atmospheres
And all that's left is this little note
So I hope you read this
Dont text me now
I'll be too high to reply
But like all the other times
Its over before it ever started
Your silence was the reply that pushed me over the top

It's the silent thumps
Things going bump in the night
Yet it's only my heart
Ceasing to give a **** anymore
I'm lost in this nothingness
Labeled loneliness by my own fears
Left alone in this prison darkness
Reminiscing about the conversations
The I love you's with countless meanings
Yet you just let me slip through
Not bothering to try and juggle me
I'd rather be up in the air
Than plummeting face first
Into my own grave dug by my heart
I'm lost in this nothingness
And you subsequently forgot me
Loneliness an almost peaceful hell
Yet my thoughts ravish this opportunity
Vultures to a herd of rotted elephants
I'm useless in your eyes
Your own feelings evading you
So what's to stop them from evading me
What's to say try we're never for me
But for the thoughts of somebody loving you
I can't mistake this
I don't love you
I'm ******* madly in love with you
Crying tsunami tears
Sinking battleships surviving hurricanes
Yet you don't stop to think
I'm lost in this nothingness
All because I couldn't keep my mouth shut
Keep my own stupid feelings to myself
I just had to tell you I love you
I just had to keep falling in
Maybe when rock bottom comes
I'll already be too broken and numb
But I can't blame you
It's not like you ever text back
Not like you're interested in saying hi
To the guy willing to give it all up for you
The one fighting fate just to be with you
What idiot stays to fight
When the reinforcements are surrendering
Who stands alone when the world
Holds machine guns to your head
Still says ******* and expects to live
I'm lost in this nothingness
Because you gave up
Thinking I would
Well it's a ******* option
It takes two to tango
Yet you're listening to the waltz
And I'm left to myself
Like a suicidal maniac with a gun
**** this **** I'm done
Good thing it's loaded
Maybe now you'll see
This nothingness is the reason for my loneliness
And hopefully the brain splatter
With draw it out for you
Wish I could tell you I love you now
But I don't think you'd even listen

Your body screaming out in pain
The malevolent flame in your eyes
The decadence you taste
The death you reek of
You're petrified in malice
The god of your own demise
I hope you're happy now
Knowing you ruined a life
You never knew was worth living

I have a bad case of the munchies
Should have took a right
Maybe the next exit on this stoner highway
Will lead to munchville
This 1991 Chevy S10 is Casa de marijuana
Stoners only ride
6 oz of berry white
2 oz of bubba kush
3 1/2 gs of Pineapple Express
I'm ******
Yet I've only had 4 bowls 2 extendo blunts
And 1 braided joint
Lost my touch
Hold on
Let me get right
Alright I'm not even high
Lets smoke another bowl
I'm ready to **** it up all night
Smoke out the western hemisphere
I'm a stoner
Staying ****** in ******* Mexico
So roll you a blunt
Pack a bowl
**** up the night
Get ******* ******

Oh yeah I forgot
You don't have a voicemail
Only way you'll talk to me
Is if I text you and wait almost 6 hours
Just for a reply to say hi
Well I wanted to see how things were going
Like *** it's fabulous on my end
Understand the sarcasm and annoyance
In the tone of my voice
You stupid *******
I'll leave a message on your face
When my nuts are covering it
After I get done beating the **** out of you
You're suppose to be the person I can talk to
Yet you're always frowning
I'll leave a message at the...
Oh **** I'm calling myself

You've been in two car wrecks since your 18th birthday
You've had 1 girlfriend and 6 flings
1 more girl in your life
That's driven you mad with love
Yet to far away to reach
What's happened to you
The I don't give a **** attitude
Not caring whether you lived or died
Yet here you are hoping you have a purpose in life
Just because you got into another wreck
Guess life goes on
But your life: Seriously needs to ******* end
The cracking and popping of joints
To old in this youthful body
Eyes never smiling yet your lips do
The only time you seem to be happy
Is when you have a blunt
Or a nice bottle of jacks
Maybe you should have listened to the first letter
Just let go and disappear
Nothing left to tie you down
Yet everything seems to hold you back
The curiosity of what tomorrow brings
What new pains can e felt
What new joys can be tested
As if we lived in a science lab
Dude just give it up
I'm the only voice of reason you have
The one voice screaming in a crowded area
You Have No Life To Live
It's only the frail fragments if sanity
You cling to thinking tomorrow will be better
Might as well have died in those wrecks
But you seem to hold on
Your body is falling apart
All those people told us
When your life feels like its falling apart
It might be falling into place
Yet do you see a place for us to fit
Your fat *** can barely get into the back of a mustang
You can't even wear a seatbelt
So at least you have some sense
**** yourself through somebody else's error right
Failed miserably the first few times we tried
We aren't gods yet it feels like it
Refusing to cave in
Rejecting the possibility that we will die
Hell man just ******* do it
You have a 12 gauge by your  bedside
You have enough extension cord to tie a noose
We both know the trees around here are sturdy
You have your life
I have mine inside your head
The evil little voice
Everyone warned you about
The one they say will haunt you
But take a quick look back in the past
I think you can determine the future
All alone no one to love you
Just me and the other guys up here chilling
We don't love you
We're the ones forced to be here by your every thought
Might as well quit while your sober
That way when your high
You'll regret not giving up sooner

You begin your day as if its a ritual
Start with a perfect high
Stringing yourself like a puppet on ****
Go to work at 4 in the morning
You say you feel like she's not attracted to you
You're my brother
The man I've looked up to for the longest
Tattoos and piercings
Killer style I wish I had
Walk into rooms and already the party starts
You taught me the basics of life
You call yourself a man
Yet what happens when you get home
She's mad because you're talking to other girls
Fight breaks out because you feel your in the right
Holes start punching themselves in the walls
Just from the loudness of your voice
Doors ripped off the hinges
Bite marks and bruises
Plaster her harm and legs
Baseball bats raised as threats
I wish you knew how much I hate it
When you call yourself a man
When you're acting like a *****
Raising your hand to her
You called me and said blood was thicker than water
Yet every time you get violent
Your blood is thinner than the water I drink
Tylenol 8 at a time
Ibuprofen 3 by 3
**** one dose at a time
Just enough to make you sensible to the fact
You're losing your family
You call yourself a man
Yet look at yourself
I just wish I could pick you up
Pull you out from the abyss you crawled in
By our motto has always been
You get yourself in you pull yourself out
No help needed
No hands outstretched
Even if they are we high 5 them and say I got this
You taught me this
You taught me Ollie's and kick flips
You taught me how to fix bikes
Ramp them till the chain popped
Yet now looking ahead
I known I'm more of a man than you
You told me to shave because I haven't earned it
Yet you my brother need to shave
Perhaps a wax would do
Just because we all know now
Your less than the man you claim to be

I'm wishing on every shooting star
Counting seconds waiting for 1:11
Hoping nobody catches you
Before I can get to you
I'm running past vehicles
Bystanders pacing back and forth
Realizing its an angel falling from grace
This is my Fairytale
Telling you I love you
Knowing **** well I'd hate to love another
Yet this is your nightmare
Someone you barely know
Saving you from a destined fate
Whispering he loves you through text messages
You fear the happiness
Reject the obvious
Refuse my voice an echo
Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong
**** happens
You have a life
Why do I feel obligated to put myself first
In the long list of things that need your attention
I apologize
My ****** prison barred heart
Had never had an opportunity quite like this
The chance of parole
The key setting me free
It's the excitement
That maybe I finally found my peace
My center in a fluctuating gravity
My nirvana in a world captivated in hell
Maybe this is becoming both of our nightmares
Fairytale flies out the window
Every time I say I love you
Maybe I'll say it like this
You. Are. Indeed. Everything. I. Dreamed. About.
The reason to walk away from car wrecks
Slightly bleeding completely beaten
And I'll do it a thousand more times
Just to be able to say I survived for you

I'm everybody's nightmare and nobody's dream

Is it paralyzed by fear
Is it petrified by the thought of me
Is it the not so reliable men before me
Is it the fact you can't comprehend how much I love you
Is it the way I go about all of this
Is it the questions you ponder
Is it the answers you wonder
Is it because I'm not good enough
Is it because it's too good to be true
It's your heart that's a question
You're truly a mystery
I'm not an investigator
I'm not a love detective
I can't read the clues
I can't piece together the evidence
You're a suspect in a crime
That I'm afraid to convict you of
Yet my cover is blown
You see the truth to who I am
My hearts very existence
Lay before you in ruins
Maybe it's the ghosts you're afraid of
The voices whispering that echo louder
Your hearts a question
Every emotion boiling inside you
Is it the fear of being brought to life
By a man you barely know
I promise I'm not trying to make you a Frankenstein monster
If you don't want this tell me
Before I ***** the bolts in my neck any further
Pull the lever to be electrified into existence
I'm not asking you to be my Frankenstein bride
Just the amazing woman who's not scared of all these scars
All these stitches in my heart
All the missing pieces of my insanity
I'm sorry I can't comprehend the evidence
That maybe I'm going about this all wrong
So maybe I'll black out the details
Try to make a new case
When this time I'm the victim
Because your heart was the unanswerable question
Taking my thoughts and suffocating my heart
And I'm sorry if this poem seems cruel
But I'm fighting myself more than ever
Trying to understand why I'm so madly in love with you
Yet that answer is obvious
Clear as crystal horizons
But I'm so oblivious to it
You're simply you
A Mystery that can never be solved

You hold me gently
Letting me slither down your throat
You feel the burn of my venom
Slowly drifting you off into another life
I'm that bottle of jacks you cracked open
I'm the two cubes of ice
Clinking and clanking against the glass
I'm the condensation dripping off the glass
Onto your black satin pants
I'm the midnight stranger
You have one night stands with
Just to ease your problems

You hold me tightly
Letting my edges run across foreign skin
You feel the sting of my tip
Slowly rowing you off into a fantasy
I'm the blade you hold with pride
The drops of blood
Dripping and puddling at your feet
I'm the scar that wont go away
Hiding under ******* and bracelets
I'm the midnight stranger
You have one night stands with
Just to feel relief from yesterday

You hold me shaking
Letting my every fiber run around your neck
You feel the tightness of my grasp
Slowly release you from reality
I'm the noose you tide awkwardly
The black and blues
Bruising and beating on your neck
I'm the first resort you run to
Chasing off your worries along with the oxygen
I'm the midnight stranger
You have one night stands with
Just to get away from the depression

You hold me sweetly
Letting my cold steel hide behind your finger
You feel the weight of every bullet
Slowly sending you off to slumber
I'm the pistol you're afraid of
The silver and gold
Sparkling and shining in front of your face
I'm the last option you ever think of
Killing your thoughts with the pulling of a trigger
I'm the midnight stranger
You have one night stands with
Just to save yourself from tomorrow

These are my confessions as the midnight stranger
Always witnessing you leaving me behind
Rushing yourself out the door in the morning
No trace that our love ever existed
Even when I loved you like no other
Because I was the only one to ever love you
But you never shared love with
It was always hate
Pain we both endured together
As you forced me to take away your depression
Forcing me to **** the only friend I thought I could make
I'm the midnight stranger
You have one night stands with
Just because I'm all you ever had

I'm 23 as of today
It was suppose to be special
Because the father I never knew
Was suppose to come today
He said he wouldn't miss it for the world
And come to find out
He traded me in for a six pack
Some 26 year old *****
Out for only the money he stockpiles
In every pocket he can find

I lived a poor life
With my mom working two jobs
Barely able to pay the bills
Me quitting school
Even though she hated the idea
Me getting a job as a landscaper
At the age of only 13
Here I am working plants now
Crying because he promised

I had to raise my three siblings
Watch my baby brother die
Because his little heart wasn't strong enough
5 years old and he faded
Disappeared like our father
He says he left for that reason
But he was out the door
4 years before we even knew

How am I suppose to be the man
Of this already vacant house
When there was never a man to teach me
That being a man was sticking it out
Through thick and thin
No crutches and no lies
Just a god we pray to on Sundays
And a lie we live through the week
I can never say I'm strong
I still break down and cry
When I see my brothers footprints
Tattooed on my mothers chest
When I see his name on my arm

They say lessons are learned
Through the mistakes we make
Yet I'm learning more from everybody else's
Rather than stumbling and catching myself
I've watched my younger sister
Sell herself for $50
My younger brother go off to high school
My baby sister crying because nobody can help her
I'm lost and beaten down
I've tried protecting her
Yet I'm too weak to protect myself

My mom says she named me angel
Because I was her gift from god
Yet I know I'm the spawn of Satan
Always working
Always being the role model
I'm the most damaged one
On every possible edge known to man
Only centimeters from the cliffs
When does enough become enough
When do I get to rest
And engulf myself in throw away girls
You know the ones who you ****
Then watch walk out the next morning
Kind of like my younger sister
But she has her own life
Her own special "medication"
Her ritual to relieve her pain
While I'm stuck working 12 hour days
6 days a ******* week
Where church comes first on the 7th day
I want to disappear
But how would my mother feel
My brother my little sister
All those depending on me
Maybe this is the feeling of a man
The feeling a father gets
When things get too rough
Backs in the corner
No left hooks or right jabs to escape
Just alcohol and the flight plan
Where nothing else matters when you go
Leave everything at the door

I haven't had a girlfriend
Yet I've had *** twice
I don't know how I managed that
I've pulled my mother out of debt
Saved us from getting evicted
Even started a fund for my brother to go to college
I'm just hoping I can be as good as a father
As I am a brother and a son
I just wish I could tell every one
Through all the struggles
All the abandonment and self hate
I can still smile for those I love
Their what matter the most
Even when we get mad at each other

I want to lay in bed with you
No thoughts of ***
Racing through my body
But the only thought
I'll allow tonight
Is the thought of holding you
Under every moonlit lullaby
And let stars watch with full smiles
As they witness my love for you grow
I don't care what the world has I say
I'd rather you call me your teddy bear
Than they'll know I'm not in it for the ***
The royal treatment is for you
And this late night cuddle session
Is only the beginning
Because tonight I'm going to show you
That even with my weakness
I'll protect you through the night
I'll be your dream catcher
Your luck rabbits foot
And chase away the worries of tomorrow
I'll cuddle concrete
I'll cuddle rose pedals
But nothing in this world
Could ever amount to the roaring passion
I can ever feel
When its your heart and soul I cuddle with
Your my yesterday
My every day tomorrow
And the last thing I want to embrace
When I fall asleep thinking of you
This late night cuddle session
Isn't over because I'll hold you
Till the moon and sun decide to collide
I love you like teddy bears love cuddling
And theirs nothing this teddy bear loves more
Than loving you

The way tears rolled down hills
With black eyed Susie's
Painted in perfection
On the porcelain figure that is your face
The way you forced rose petals
From your already thorn scarred wrist
Have you forgot the hours
We wasted just staring at each other
Afraid we might say something stupid
The way we would blush before we spoke
Like little kids pushed on stage
Fighting for a spot in the light
But never throwing a punch
Just stuttered and stumbled
On words we didn't even know how to say
Yet we threw words together
The way poets throw paper and ink
Into magnificent works of art
So you forgot
All the times we would hold hands
Start chanting some random song
Laugh a little till we realized we did it out loud
Where only seconds passed
Before hysterical laughter roared from our bellies
So you forgot
The late night beatings
Your egotistical alcoholic father gave you
Where you'd run to me before you ran to the blade
You don't remember any of that
So you simply forgot
Of course you would
Your no longer apart of this world
Yet you live through my memories
My scars I traced in an elegant array
To match the very ones your wrist held with shame
So you forgot
But I never will
Bc I still love you even after all the tears
Fall to the ground and puddle
Right beside the stains of blood
I still remember your smile
Forced onto your sculpted face
Yet plastered so awkwardly
It couldn't fool a blind man
I still remember the walks on the beach
Where we would play hop scotch
To avoid the jellyfish
I still remember your tailored blouses
Left on my bedroom floor
Scared we would get caught
I still remember running away from you
When I love you was so foreign
It pierced my soul quicker than any arrow
I still remember our last phone call
Where you whispered goodbye
Then dropped the phone
I still remember my screams
My pleads to a god I once trusted
Please don't die on me
Please be alive when I get there
Please dear god please keep her here with me
Yet you were 3/4s past saving
Bleeding into my arms
Staining my new t-shirt
Mascara dripping from your chin
Nothing I could do but watch you fade
I still remember every waking moment
Fighting to believe you were gone
Yet you forgot
You just wished yourself away
Into another galaxy far from me
On the tip of that razor blade
I'll always remember you
While you forget about us

I'm that baby in the cradle
******* on a pacifier
With a loaded gun in my face
Waiting for a flash then darkness
I'm lost again to my own thoughts
Traveling street corners
I no longer remember
Waiting in almost every one for death
Like bus stops into the afterlife
Yet mine only promises
An emptiness filled with a paralyzing numbness
Leaving me dumbfounded
Confused on which way I should go
It's the small things in life I embraced
But watching pulses drop
Quicker than raindrops
Has me terrified of tomorrow
I'm scared to live yet too scared to die
I'm in between in which direction is right
Yet everyone who listens tells me
Have faith in The Lord
Give yourself unto God
Yet what do they know
When they can't tell me
What the color of their aunts brains are
What the smell of your soul taste like
As it rots away in your arms
....
It's those dots you should worry about
Bc it might lead to me no longer existing
In a world of people I thought I could save
And put meaning to my own life
Leaving a sense of hope that I'll be ok
When all else fails to give it to me
But a blind man will create a false world
Where only he can see
A deaf man will create sounds to hear
A mute man will speak in riddles
So he can be the only one with the answer
Yet what does a depressed man have
When all he had faded before it existed
....
It's an ending to a life
An maybe all this death has me petrified
To the point I'll go insane
Far beyond the breaking points
Of my own limits


....I'm sorry....

Take my hand
Board this roller coaster of peace
Ride the wind with passion
Let the words you write carry you
To a new beginning
To the land of luxury
I'll lead you
Carry you to safety
Til you can stand on your own
Welcome home Logen

Who gives a rats ***
If you prefer a **** in your ***
Or your **** rubbing against another
When did sexuality matter
I've seen the red of their veins
Pour out just as quickly as mine
I've watched as they understood love
Fat better than I could ever hope to achieve
Yet she can't marry her
Or he can't be seen with him
Holding hands an kissing
Hell I'll hug a gay man quicker than my brother
I'll flirt with a lesbian
Even though we both know
I'm going nowhere
It was never about who they dated
Who they decided to fall in love with
The only thing that mattered to me
An will ever matter
Is how they can show me what love is
What holding someone important to them
Really looks like
What everybody else thinks
Is just a matter of opinion
I don't give a ****
I can call a gay guy queer
I can call a lesbian a ****
And they'll smile with pride
They know who they are
What they are
And we're the aliens in the community
Thinking we know everything
When dd sexuality matter
I'll smoke a blunt with my gay homie
Drink tequila with my lesbian friend
Flirt with them both
Simply because I'm the one
Who's going home alone
I love them
Not because their gay
But because they can make me laugh
A hell of a lot better than my straight friends
Sexuality shouldn't matter
Personality is what gets me

Here's my reply
Yes
I don't need to be by your side
Of every waking minute
I don't have to tell you
Baby I love you
I don't want to see you
Waist deep in your own tears
Afraid that I won't love you
When mascara runs quicker than fear
You asked me
Several times in less than an hour
How can I love you
When your nothing than an emotion wreck
My reply was as simple as saying
I was the deer caught in the headlights
Happy to leave my blood on your bumper
I shouldn't have to answer every question
Because you already know the answer
Long before it spews off this tongue
I'm so madly in love with you
Criminally insane people call the kettle black
If you saw what I see
How many tears wouldn't roll down
Those rosy hills on your face
How can I be your hero
When you can't be my sidekick
I depend on you just as as much as you do me
You asked me
So it's my turn to ask you
Will you let me love you
The way I know you love me

I want to feel myself get younger
I want to laugh and play with hot wheels
Make siren noises while riding shotgun
Sit in a car seat and laugh in your face
When I grow up I want to be a kid
Kindly reliving my adolescencE
Smoking **** by the ounce
When I grow up I want to be a stoner
More ****** than I already am
Tripping in and out of reality
Thinking I'm the ****
Hat to the side like a g
Big baller chains
Just acting stupid for the age of 50
When I grow up I don't want to forget
All the good times I've had
While making greater moments to never forget
When I grow up I hope you'll see
I'm still the same old me
Wishing you could have seen
How high on life we could've been together

I guess you wouldn't see this everyday
A 43 year old man writing in a diary
But hell what other choice do I have
See a shrink
Talk my problems out

So I'll give you the details
My names Karl 43 yrs old
Divorced 5 times
7 children I barely get to see
Kids mothers think I have manic depression
Judges took my supervised visitation rights away
Because I had a mental breakdown
Ended up in the psych-ward for a month
I'm working three jobs
Little Ceasers, Raising Canes, and a handyman
I'm living in my moms basement
Paying rent out the ***
Even though I'm barely here
You tell me if I've had it rough
My dad drank himself to death
Beating my mother and me
My older brother died during service
My younger sister is a crack fiend
And I've spent more money on her
To stay in rehab than I have on clothes
For both me and my kids
I've been recently cutting
I saw my oldest do it
When I confronted him
He said it relieved the pain
He was right
Still feels wrong
I just wonder when enough is enough
When you finally give up
I've been a devoted Christian
Yet I've never seen the end of it
The constant pain
The endless torture of reality
Hell would be my heaven right now
I have no friends
I don't have a single clue
Where my life went to
But I'm sure it's heading nowhere fast
Thought about ending it
But the picture of me and my kids
Always seems to stop me cold
I just wish I could say I'm sorry
That I wish I could be a better father
A more devoted husband
But how can I do any of that
When the woman I've been with
Only wanted my wallet more than my heart
I don't even remember the smell of cologne
I guess I'm just rambling
But how old do you need to be
To die from a broken heart

My lies would spew
Through every tooth each wall will bear
The games I played with death
Would only send my parents into cardiac arrest
Woman's names would dance of its tongue
As they echo each moan
I made louder with each ******
How the hell would any one know
That I'm not crazy but ludicrous
Idiotic in the definition
If these walls could talk
It would be a crime to live anymore
Jailhouses would open every cell
Every hound whispering the secrets
I once buried under three coats of white
He's a murderer
He's an addict
He's obsessed with his scars
They should have given him the chair
But these walls hold their tongues
Because I'm the only friend they have
Till the new owners come to town
Which might be never
Because no woman seems to want
This hearty home everyone deems
A fixer upper

Leave your shoes in the car
Together we'll walk for hours
As you try to see
What is all wrong with me
You've asked me twice
Not even bothering to think thrice
What kind of man am I
Always wanting to die
Chasing butterflies that never existed
Thinking too long till my life twisted
This is who you see today
Going every which way
Just to find the heart
I thought I couldn't tear apart
But even tears leave tattoos
While loving someone seems taboo
Walk with me
Along side the salty sea
And realize that it's not us here
It's only me looking queer
Talking to myself like I'm insane
Calling out your name
Knowing all too well
Your going to see me to hell
I know your not around
But judging from what I found
Your walking with me
Even if its only one set of footprints
Going back to the peer

Your body slowly fading away
Watching time slip by
Wrinkles and sorrow
Staining each line on your face
Its hell to watch
Everything you've once known and love
Get devoured in the sands of time
Every penny you earn
Get sold for a dollar
While your heads under the blanket
Afraid to peek out from underneath
Scared to witness life once again
I just wish I could live in my imagination
Where Rainbow Unicorns dance on pots of gold
Leprechauns smoke bowls of the best ****
Santa just throwing parties
Zombies break dancing
Maybe I'm just living in a high
But **** reality is hell to watch

How many doors must I walk through
How many people must I call mom
How many brothers and sister do I have
It's endless
I couldn't count on one hand or even two
Yet here I am making another couch
My living arrangements
For only who know how long
How many hearts do I have to break
Till I can finally say I love you
Without worrying if she'll leave me
How many goodbyes must I make known
How many homes must I go through
Till I'm able to call these places home
They weren't built for me
They weren't made to house me
To allow me to have ***
To allow me the freedom of walking
Down every hallway into every room
Stark *** naked with my *****
Dragging behind me
How many homes
Tell me how many
So I can just curl up now and die
It would be a waste of time
To lay here another minute
Trying to find a job
Trying to find a girlfriend
Trying to find home

One pedal gone
Two flowers opposite of the same field
Winds screaming the same thing
My heart says with another pedal gone
She loves me
I love her not
Torn between this
Relationship fading
Will I ever see her smile
Or will I be the reason she cries rivers
She'll eventually drown herself in
I love the silence
She loves that I'm still there
Even though our mouths are sewn shut
She still tries to knit one more i love you
In the text that will lead to its over
She loves me
I love her not
Two pedals left
I already knew the end result
Nature never lies
It tells whether we're meant to be
And today we got our not to be

I hate the way it curves up
Each muscle in your face aching to be released
I hate your smile
Only because I know its fake
You don't even realize it anymore
You've become so accustomed to it
Nobody can tell the mask from your real complexion
Not even your reflection
I hate your smile
When you hide the frown
I'd rather you let me try and make it real
I hate the way that bright red lipstick
Glues it into place
The way the mascara seems to stain the edges
From every midnight love attempt from your pillow
Ending only in failure when the sun reaches your window
You can't hide from me
I can see through it all
I hate your smile
Mainly because it resembles mine all to much

I lost too much
Begged for forgiveness I didn't want
Prayed to midnight suns
Just to repeat the only verse in its lullaby
I cared to listen to
I turned my back on hands outstretched
Beacons of hope at the end of the tunnel
Yet I picked myself up
Didn't bother brushing myself off
I knew I'd be right back down in that same whole
Only 20 seconds after finding my balance
I'll tell you what happened to me
In that not so distant past
I was a victim to my own demons
Thew ones night couldn't forge
The ones day lost all faith at the sight of
I'm now just that average person
Who found a way out
But wished the whole was a little bigger
I'm the rabbit in every whole
Hiding in at night
Running away from at daybreak
Home will never be home
Love will never be known
I'm the outcast of a society
They didn't realize they rejected
Yet when the tears fall
They'll only ask
What happened to you
Even if I tried
What really happened to me
Isn't easily comprehended
From someone who tries to hide
The most obvious of pain

Its your time of the month
Its my time of the day
Somebody has to do it
So dont ask me why I'm in the shower
For 20 extra minutes

I kissed your best friend
Loved her like I would love you
She called my name like you do
She dug her nails in my back
Like I was a scratch pad
She did all the things you did
I don't know how she knew
All she did was whisper in my ear
The very sentence you screamed every night
I'm sorry I know you'd **** me if you ever found out
But I'm not going to run away with my tail tucked
I ****** your best friend like it was the end of the world
Like the sky was falling
Like I would make love to you
Still it was you I came to
Your face I saw as it all happened
No excuses I deserve whatever is coming
But if you only knew
Your best friend was always your reflection
Your shoulder to lean on
You'd always run into the bathroom after a fight
Talk to yourself for hours
Tell me you hated me
But rushed out before the words even pierced the door
Kissed me like it was forever ago before you had them
I'd never love anybody but you
And I'm glad I traced you on my mirror so you'll never disappear

I've told you countless times
You're perfect, amazing, beautiful, gorgeous
Yet when has any of those words actually meant something
You're just too...again nothing comes to mind
I can turn to the dictionary
Read it till something feels right
But I'll read it 11 times before I give up
You're a poem needing to be written
To be heard
Yet how can I do that when I don't even know you
When you're shrouded in mystery
I couldn't tell you how beautiful you are
Every synonym for it is a cliche
But saying you look you maybe will do the trick
It'll make me sound like an idiot
I don't mind sounding like an idiot when you ask me
"How do I look?"

Is easy to trip and stumble
Over cute looks and six pack abs
Or maybe just the way he makes you smile
When all he has to say is "hi"
Or was it your name that sent you tumbling
As it rolled off his tongue
Down into the pits you now dread
Those black holes in the ground
Where spartan kicking you into it
Would only make it thrilling
Love makes nightmares
When you fear how easy it was to fall in the first place
What was it really
that sent you tumbling then falling
Only faster as the lies piled on
I love you
You're all that I need
Everything I want is in your eyes
So maybe you should keep your head between your knees
and stay staring at whats there
Between soft silken thighs
That only seem to ***** his **** before his heart
Its lessons taught that are misunderstood
Never the mistakes made
From an unsuspecting heart
So eager to find what is real
In a world she thought was only hers
But instead shared with her friends that had no idea
Her sister who was your bestie
How many stories must be told
Before the nightmare in them all
Becomes the reality you no longer can handle
Love is a nightmare
Till you can find someone who will make them disappear
Before he tries to show you he loves you

I need $500 to achieve my dream
This time I'm E.T.
I'm phoning home
No longer going with the flow
One ride away
I'll be dancing on the footsteps of life
No more hell holes or traps
So if you could generously send me some mullah
I'll add $15 to any donation over $50

All those tears we cried together
Opening the faucets on our face
Trying to wash the pain away
Yet the stains of our history
Were never meant to be erased
Remember those sleepless nights
Where you would walk for an hour
Just to find comfort in my arms
But we never found rest
Just more tears we shard
As the nght went on
Remember those seeming less innocent days
When salt water licked our feet
Puppy eying us into taking a swim
Remember those days when I would want to fight your father
When I saw the bruises
When you tried building dams out of mascara
And tried hiding behind the blush
I just wish you were here to remember
All those special moments we shared together
All the pain and suffering
I wouldn't let you deal with alone
Remember me
I know this voice doesn't sound familiar
After all its been four years
Since I've been to your new home
Where you rest peacefully
Remember I'll always love you
You were my best friend
My one true love
I just wish we had more time to spend together
Yet days pass, then months
But as they pass me by
And poems forget to be written
I'll still have a poem to write about you

I am allowing you to tell me what i should write about
It can be a life story
A love story
Your choice
However
There is a catch...
You must message me with #mychoice No. 1527B
The 1st, 5th, 10th, 15th, 20th senders will be chosen
You can send a message 1x per day
These people will be named and recieve a reply
We will discuss your choice of poem
You may help with the writing if you choose so
If you desire to help
Poem must be published on your site as well as mine
Hope to work with many more people
Looking forward to this experience
                                                             -Robert x_x

Everything I ever owned
Bound to pages never published
Sealed beneath flesh only wanting to peel
Off bones too heavy with the burdens
I'll leave it all to the sands of time
Let the wind carry it all away
Let the salty beaches nibble at the edges
All I ever was, was a book waiting to be wrote
My will
My last decree
The ending to a story
Finally writing The End
On the last breath of this life
Was the biggest achievement in my life
So bury my memory in your hearts
It will someday fade
Destined to be another light breeze
Everything I am
Everything I was
Leave it to be the way it was meant to end

Wouldn't you say I'm the saddest of them all
Pathetic in existence
A waste of space
Won't you please leave a trace
Of the beauty I thought I had
It makes me sad
That all I do is cry
All mother ask is why
Oh Mirror Mirror on that wall
Will you show me the biggest scar of them all
The ones on my wrist
Where I gave the blade a simple twist
The one on my chest
Trying to give my heart a rest
Oh Mirror Mirror on that ruined wall
Wont your cracks show me when I'll fall
Into the arms of deaths sweet grasp
Not worrying about how much time will elapse
Before my mother finds the letter I hid
The one I wrote when I was a kid
Oh Mirror Mirror no longer hanging from that wall
It seems you were the one to fall
Before I could take my leave
One more breathe our chest shall heave
Since no one cared to fix us
And give us one last chance

You talk to me like I'm human
That I could be your best friend
You don't realise the things I say
Are just ******* excuses
To keep you from seeing
Exactly what it is I really am
On the outside you'll see a smile
On the inside you'll see
Daggers in the headlights of my reflection
Shotgun shells falling quicker than my pulse
All I am is hatred to myself
You see me as a shy kid
Sometimes gutsy to show the way
Trying to have a little fun in my life
But that's always the lie I'll live
The everyday excuse to why I'm a ****
Why I can't tell a girl I love her
Outside it's because it's who I am
Inside it's because I'm afraid
What kind of man cuts himself
Holds his scars with more pride than his honor
Would rather fight to feel pain
Than watch himself feel loved
It's the self loathe you don't see
My best friend is a rotting corpse
And it always seems to cry before I can
Your'e just the outside excuse
For everyday I feel like doing something
The excuses became an empire of lies
I seem to have coronated myself in
I'll sit upon my throne of desolation
While you play jester
Trying to make a sad king smile
That everyday excuse
It's nothing, I'm fine, Honestly
Became the reason I never learned to love myself

It took six hours to finish
The details are hard to get
Shading was a ***** as always
Yet I managed to draw you a poem
Every time the pencil touched
More words were needed
I just wish you could see it
Maybe then you'll see
How much I truly love you

Before me they all lay
Calling me to jump in between the lines
These pages call for me to **** them with emotions
Forbidden by my heart to express
Empty pages beckon to be filled
With the love I show her
Only when her parents aren't around

You asked me if I remembered you
Like I forgot you
I still have our conversations from a year ago
Your picture still in my phone
Name drawn to perfection
Still in the back of my binder
How could I forget you
Could I ever?
I was your vault to so many secrets
Things I even forgot
But I remember you telling me
"Can I tell you a secret?"
You trusted me when not many others did
I guess you just faded
We both did
I'm not the guy you used to know
Always writing poetry that made sense
Having the talent to actually tell you how you feel
I guess I'm not worried about forgetting you
Your a permanent reminder of who I used to be
The guy you could talk to for any reason
The guy miles away you never met
Just knew could put a smile on your face
Even when things at home seemed unbearable
I wonder if you remember me as that guy
Or wonder who I am now
An alcoholic? Pothead? Homeless freak going nowhere?
Guess I'm a little of all the above
Could I forget you was the question
No I could never
Could you forget me?
If not tell me who I was
Maybe I can be that guy one more time

Her name is faint
Still sends chills down my back
Makes me want to cry
When I remember everything I done to her
Made her feel like she wasn't anybody important
Lost her in my own heart
Forgot to call her
Couldn't face the music
I knew her notes were already written
No love letter
No symphony left behind
Just another whisper on the wind
Left to echo in the desert kingdom of my heart
She was perfect
I was the idiot
I let her drift away
But I guess sand is never meant to stay in one place
When those tides rolled in
She floated away
I only drowned
I know where I went wrong
I can't ever take it back
She's resting her smile on the chest of another
I'm dropping pebbles in the puddles of my own blood
To keep myself from seeing the man I became
The one always wondering if she'll ever love me again
I'm just another whisper in the crowds of her friends
While she's the only whisper in the wind
Echoing in the desert kingdom of my heart
I'm the fool who never listened to her thunderous tears
Stampeding across the land
Never heard the trumpets when she wrote me goodbye
Only saw the world spin
Watched as my castle crumbled
The evacuation sirens blaring
But when I kingdom falls so does the king
This is where I leave you all
Left to my own sorrow
Built walls 24ft thick
With each sandstorm
The walls only collect scratches
While my kingdom gains scars
Forgotten in the sands of time
That whisper on the wind in the desert kingdom of my heart
Became the only friend I ever had
Soon I'll watch as my darkness
Devours it along with my corpse

For a kid with the name Aledro things get difficult
I'm a bully at my high school
I don't play any sports
Even though the coaches want me
I'm 6'3" and 246 lbs
I lift 500lbs with no problem
But instead I pick on kids like grape vines
I don't mean to be mean
I'm just trying to take out my own emotions
Show somebody that I have feelings too
Yet when nobody listens I turn violent
I've gave some kid a wedgey so bad
His ******* ripped
I almost drowned some kid in the toilet
Broke a kids nose
I wish I could take it all back
Tell them I'm sorry
But they ended up killing themselves

17 years old I could go to jail
Honestly I wish the cops would take me now
I'm a murderer not just a bully
I made somebody else's life worst
When I tried making mine better
Guess I'm a failure
Needing more than pills and a counselor
I wonder how long my name will last in these pages
I doubt it everyday a murderer writes his name in here

Not much else to say
I wrote a letter to my mom, my dad, the principle, and the parents
Of all those kids I bullied
The very ones that died
Even wrote letters to all the kids I still bullied
It wasn't long
Just an apology and saying what I've done
Also where they could find my body
When it drifts back to shore
After these pills, this blade, and this gun
Drift me off to that special place in hell
I know the devil kept warm for me

You couldn't stop smiling
Jibberjawing about nothing
Always stumbling on your emotions
Not sure what you were saying even made sense
You just blushed when I held your hand
Smiled when I said I love you
Remember?
All those good times we had together...gone
Guess time changes everything
And if you asked me where we go from here
The answer is always the same
I really don't know
We're just not in love anymore

I was never one for diaries
Just the average kid trying to survive
Even though I really didn't want to
My names Porsche
I'm 17 and I guess it's time I told my story

My dad is an abusive drug dealing alcoholic
Surprised he hasn't got shot on the streets
My brother is a crack head
He decides to beat me behind everybody's back
I used to get locked in closets for hours on end
Mom would always take me out and clean me up
Just before the drunk got home

I used to be fat and staid to myself
I didn't have friends growing up
I was fine with it
That's how I wanted it
Girls at school would pick on me
They'd call me fat and ugly
Just like my parents would do

I tried shrinks and counselors
They diagnosed me as PTSD
Pills started becoming my best friends
I didn't want to be apart of reality
After all reality was me never being happy
Being beaten for being me
Having emotions was almost illegal

My parents divorced
Wish I could of divorced this life
But I was told I was beautiful
Something I never heard before
And *** became the way I thought showed love
Another thing I was never apart of

Kids starting calling me "Whorsche"
When they did I just pulled down my sleeves
So they didn't see the scars they were leaving
Mom said it was a release
So I figured I would try it
Suicide was always an option
Just to opt out of another painful session of life

I tried having friends
But they were just sell outs
They told everybody my darkest secrets
The very ones I didn't want to be told
I guess it's my own stupid fault
Trying always leads to failure

I soon found other drugs in my life
Freshman year I was the sick looking kid
Pale skin with a corpse smile barely glued together
Sophomore year the pill popping stopped
I got kicked out of my dads
I told him I was pansexual
He thought I meant lesbian
So when I tried explaining it
He grabbed me by my neck
Which he caused some permanent nerve damage
I punched him
It was a great feeling

I moved into my moms
Not much better
But I'm not getting physically abused
Verbally isn't much better
I guess I'd still prefer the belt
The drugs are stopping
The cutting stopped
9 months cut free

I'm finally moving on with my life
I have some great friends
Even though I still want to cut
I made a promise to another girl
Who was also cutting that we would stop together
Thanks to all of that
I'm no longer the emo *****
Or even the pill popping *****
I'm just Porsch
Completely without the "e"
I finally learned how to smile
Guess not all stories in this diary end

If you're wondering what the Diary Of Broken Souls is, It's just a bunch of stories put together to try and have somebody know there is other people that go through the same stuff or somewhat similar things. Now not every story ends in suicide, and the reason it ends that way in these stories is to leave the victim wondering what exactly it is they will miss out in life, through all the bad times, the good times, and even holding hands with somebody that understands (even if that hand is an inanimate object). Everything holds value to somebody and you shouldn't let it go. The Diary Of Broken Souls simply put is a fictitious compilation of stories based somewhat on real life people even if I don't know them, I know how they feel somehow. I guess its just talent or maybe a guess but it hits some people dead on the nail. Just know suicide is a last resort for no good reason I know I tried.

I've noticed most kids date their entries
I'm not
I refuse to keep tract of which day
******* hits the fan
Like freight trains on a one way collision course
With biochemical waste
By the way the names Joshua

Just yesterday my dad called me queer
That I'm no longer his son
Just because I'm gay
He doesn't understand
I was born this way
And listening to Lady Gaga's song doesn't really help
It just ****** him off
And leaves me in the corner of my room
Crying because nobody understands me
Every gay person at school is in the closet
Afraid of the criticism
Afraid of run ins with the jocks

Diary I kissed a guy today
We were alone in the gym bathroom
He eyeballed me down
It was after P.E
We were taking showers and he kissed me
I wanted so much more
But we knew that was unlikely
We scheduled a date later on in the week
I think things might be turning around for me

I was wrong
I WAS SO ******* WRONG
HE PLAYED ME
I WAS JUST A PAWN IN HIS STUPID GAME
HIM AND HIS FRIENDS
HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND AND A BABY
THEY BET HIM $40 JUST TO DO IT
That ******* ******* will get it

So when I calmed down yesterday
I thought of all the ways I could get back at them
ALL OF THEM
The jocks, the cheerleaders, the whole school body
And I figured it out
There is a farm by my house
Maybe a mile down the road
I can **** a goat
Take the blood and write each and every one of their names
On the gym floor
They all think I'm satanic already
So I figured I throw in some Latin
Make a pentagram and slit my wrist
That should scare the hell out of them
I'll watch from my special place in hell for this

So I'm almost done with all my work
I don't know how I'll get rid of you diary
You have a gothic look to you
So if they see you
They'll think its some satanic book
Well goodbye diary
You're the only one thing that understood and listened to me
I wonder why that is
I guess I'll never know

I know this might hurt your feelings
I know I'm the only hope to save this family
My success is just the beginning
Yet I can't hold every responsibility
I have feelings too
None of which are good
I've contemplated suicide
I've even attempted
Yet here I am
Writing you again
This time publically
To hope that you can understand
I hate this life
I hate being me
I hate being the only one of four
To actually see the 12th grade
To actually have colleges chanting my name
Because they know I'll be in a dorm sooner or later
Grandma I wish you could see the man
All my darkest dreams and thoughts have made me
I'm partially human
Yet I still wake up every morning
Plaster on a smile
And say I love you
Even if it is in a text
You're all I have left in this god forsaken world
Well unless you want to include Natalie
I haven't talked to her in a while
But I hope she's doing well
Grandma when do I get to say I'm home
You were always the one to give me advice
Help me now
I'm lost and only going down
I want something poetry can give me
A sense of freedom
I know I'll be 18 in February
But I'll just want my youth back
I'll want the world I once knew back in my reach
I want the *** the drugs the alcohol
The constant screams I'd wake up to
Even if they were my own
I want all the faces of every girl I've been with
Screaming at me how much they hate me
I want their hands around my throat
In and out of reality
Grandma I hope you can understand I'm no longer
Just the successful one
I'm the one that wants what nobody understands
Because they all want to embrace my success
As if it were their own
                                       Sincerely,
                                           Your Grandson,
                                               Robert L. Guerrero

My talents as a poet
As a master of my sanity
Have began to fade away
My freedom to write
Moving powerful emotional pieces
Has deteriorated before my eyes
I've calmed the monster
To ease my grandmothers fears
Of losing her only successful grandchild
I've silenced the voices
To ease my deceased great grandmothers worry
That I'll join her in the heavens of my fathers memories
I've noticed I'm now nothing
Just the average joe
Watching Netflix and eating popcorn
Listening to music dreaming of being something
I've noticed
You read my work
Watched me perform
Understood the hatred I feel
Felt the pain I've endured so long
Grasped the love I once expressed
Yet now you're only looking for those things again
Looking for the long poems I once enjoyed writing
The ones that erupted with passion
For all things I thought of
Five minute poems
One night stands with lines
****** paper with pen
As I forced it to swallow the inky ***
I've always wanted to write my last and final poem
To finally be free of my insanity
And embrace the story of peace and solitude
But in this world those are just mirages
Boiling from the hallucination of my desert mind
I've noticed
I truly am just Robert Guerrero
The guy who dreamed impossible dreams
Only because his talent dried up