One
I'm sorry.  
Of course, you'll never know it.
I'm writing poems to a ghost by proxy, 
Gone before you even had fingernails or looked like a
Tangible thing and not some alien parasite.  

I heard once
That a soul can't inhabit a body
Until it takes the first breath of
Oxygen into it's lungs,
And if that's the case,
I'm sorry I stole the taste from you.

Two
I built a monument for your martyrdom
In the city of my thoughts, somewhere
Between the Relationship Trauma District,
And Motherhood Gardens.
It is a bronzed sunflower held in a mangled fist.
Your older sister takes me there in her laughter.

Three
You have to understand,
The man that put us both in this predicament
Didn't know how to keep his hands to himself
Or know how to fight his own demons without drawing
Someone else's blood trying to shadowbox with them.
How could I choose to potentially
Give him the opportunity to ever draw yours?  

Four
I'm sorry that we were careless,
Played Russian roulette with a loaded pistol
One by one slid five bullets between six chambers,
Haphazardly I spun the cylinder.
Placed the barrel to the roof
Of my mouth for good measure
Pulled the trigger, heard the faint click
Of my future, and then it was his turn.
I didn't think through the repercussions of
Lying in a grave before it had even been dug.  
Sharing blame and co-dependency
Intrinsically fed off of each others pain,
We entwined and made something out of hatred,
And I'm sorry that was you.

Five
Even now I hear myself say these words and,
It sounds selfish parading itself as selfless
Why didn't I say no or protect myself with
Contraceptives or just not have *** with him?
******* adoption, HELLO?
Or at the very least swallow.  Right?  
Right. I blame myself a lot too, there's really no
Reason to tell me things I already scream
At myself about inside of my head.  
Or is it my mother's voice?  I can't tell anymore.
She had a lot of opinions about you,

Six
There are so many hoops I had to jump through,
Contortionist poses to assume, to do this.
I'm sorry it's the most flexible I've allowed
Myself to be in all my life.
But,
Do not think I didn't mourn you.

Seven
For  years after I will run my palm over my stomach
And feel the concave of your absence inside of me
The less than, The empty
A hollow cavern that crumbled bit by bit, eroded by
Wave after wave of guilt in hightide
During a tropical storm,  
The malestrom that howled within now
Only taunts me anymore, with a constant hum,
The echoes of the pitter-patter
Of a light rain. The heartbeat I only heard once.

Eight
Would you hold me in a different light
If I told you that despite
All the darkness surrounding how I feel
About it, I don't regret the choice?  
Lamentful, burdened with
Would-haves and could-haves
But rooted in affirmations, knowing full well
That the heartache would have been far worse
For everyone in the long run,  

Nine
That I feel like I saved you.
That I feel like I saved both of us.
I'm sorry.

Ten
Sorry.
The word  falls from my lips like a void purport
To a forgiveness that I will never receive.

It's that time of year again
When the sun rises late and sets
Just short of happy,
this northern climate
saps all heat from your bones
The soul itself shivers
In remembrance

I'm left to ponder winters past
Sadness and trauma surround
The residual cold, bringing memories of
The flicker of lighted trees
In most of their backgrounds
Inseparable from association.
And then the frigid season continues,
Taunting me with the grayest areas
Of the monument of all the levels
Of my self hatred,
But I've learned it's evr'y pattern,
So now I'm just jaded.

When the North wind picks up and carries
The smell of the fallen leaves death
To me, like a gift I knew I was going to get
Like when I was 9
and found all my presents
And the morning of Christmas
I had to mask all my disappointment
And act surprised
To know what's coming
Takes from the element
And gives way to boredom
An old friend, bittersweet greetings to my
Daydreams and it pulls me to the bed

And there I wait,
And wait,
And wait,

For the sunshine to come again.

A goodbye isn't real if you don't mean it
Isn't final if you don't feel it
The love I bear for you transcends the word
And I am left with a
mouth full of ashes to prove it
The promises, my fealty to him
Incinerated in an instant, all gone
When I felt you pressed against my skin
But in this moment,
We cannot carry on

I've desperately tried over and again
To ignore it, remove it, or change it
Yet it clings to the back of my mind
On a near constant basis
That is why, with every goodbye
I can never follow through
In leaving this all behind me
Physically unable to turn, yet knowing
All the same I should,
Torn between a love that burns
Brighter than any sun
And one that verges ever closer
To the brink of insanity
No longer my safety and comfort
But the loss of stability is due to
The desire to keep both close
In proximity, and I'm only allowed to keep one.

I carry you with me, always
My mind sometimes overcome
By the future I saw play out in my dreams
Longing for this ending, you and I
But in this moment it cannot be

Once in a lifetime, forever kind of love

So goodbye isn't an ending,
But merely,
I'll come back when I'm ready
And the timing isn't so wrong

The irony of the situation is
That to know I love you
I had to become this woman
And yet,
Because I am this woman
I cannot afford to love you,
The way you deserve to

Starting from the beginning,
Of our meeting;
An indistinguishable flame in the distance
A hand in another, palm meets palm
The most holy of Psalms
In actuality an abyss of sinfulness
Not that I believe in all that,
Religious nonfeasance
A reason for my existence
Grows stronger when kindled by conversation
And it shines, ever as bright
When I should be thinking
Of the one who lays beside me
Tucking me into bed each night with tenderness
Intrigue in all its forms holds a risk,
But what's a simple friendship?
A kindred feeling, every word beckoning
Me to listen to all of your stories
lend an ear, share similar experiences
With each passing syllable
Defined my very reasoning
Affirmed the pull, tightened my heart's strings
I felt the urge, And then, It all fit.
A happiness I couldn't amiss
...And then, without hesitance or
Resistance,

I felt your kiss

I mean, like, fireworks
Bing, bang, booms
Reverberates, and sets everything ablaze
Inside of me is an explosion.
*******.
It's the real thing, chemical combustion
All is in a dream and rooted in reality
A vision of beauty and spectre
But sparklers are easier to handle
And the only possible disaster a burn
Instead of missing a limb,
A piece of me left reeling from
A temporary collision.

But now?
Every part of me aflame,
In your gaze
Yearning, longing
I've shared too much of myself to reverse it.
But I can't allow myself to fall into you
I'm preoccupied with trying to heal
His brokenness.

You don't have to pulse faster
Anytime someone smiles at you
And it's a real, true smile
The kind that makes eyes shine
And noses crinkle

You don't have to pour your soul
Over to everyone who gives you
A second of their attention
A conversational transgression
You let yourself go too much
With even a simple "How are you?"

You don't have to love every man
Because one didn't or couldn't, you
Your body is not a playground
Meant for everyone else's enjoyment
Their fingers pawing at your ribcage
Like monkey bar rungs, from one
To the next, to the next, to the next
And back again

Not every sweet word should send
You swooning into a careless daydream
Where you forget who's waiting for you at home.
At home,
At home, a man who would never cheat you
Out of an ounce of love even if he wanted to
Because hurting you is the last thing
On his ******* agenda
And you've had this penciled into yours since
The first time he placed his lips
Against your forehead and told you he loved you
A man, who would have given anything
Just to hear your laugh fill a room
Or see you every morning from across
The blankets and pillows
And still find you ever just as beautiful
As the first time he slept next to you.
Who brings you peppermint tea
When he knows you're stressed, and it helps
Calm the quiver in your stomach
From all the anxiety you cause for yourself

You're a mess maker, heartbreaker

One time he told you that love is a garden
That you have to choose to tend it
Or let it be overgrown with problems
And you were too stupid to understand
What it meant, until you realized you were
Planting seeds in someone else's.

I do not know what I don't know enough of
To ask the right questions, for answers I'm
Unsure of
I know she lingers
In the lines between
Pages I haven't been permitted to read
In books I've never open'd in your chronology

It pains you, I know

She ripped bone from flesh
When she bequeathed
Your love together
Spent years sluicing her woes
Placing your own on the burner
Behind hers to simmer, left to fester
And when she left you behind

It broke you,  I know

There are bits and pieces
Missing fragments from a puzzle
I have yet to put together
The story of the lover who
Left shards of her memory
Scattered around the apartment
Where you lived together  
The place
Where I lay now next to you
Used to be hers.
A lot around here used to be,

You love me, I know.

But I can't help but question
Your insistence for holding onto
Her reminiscence
The shards of a life you're
No longer living
Is it too much agony?
To let it go?

It's hard to do, I know.

Let me soothe it for you.
You won't even need witness,
I'll remove her, any recollection
The very scent of her fragrance
The stain of her fingerprints
On your heart
Smudged away,

It won't take much, I know.

A bit of time
Patience I can spare
But you,
You just have to loosen your hold
On the shards,
Place them in my palms
Allow me this chance
To heal the fear inside you
Of being alone
Let me sink into those places
Where she left holes

I love you, you know.

I do not know what I don't know enough of
To ask the right questions, for answers I'm
Unsure of.

Ours was not a love at first glance kind of love, the kind that sparks electric currents in your soul when you lock eyes with someone whom you've never met from across a room, but when you enter one now I feel the surge of static as soon as we lock gazes.  

Ours was not a love that sprung like wildfire from the first time I heard the voice I've grown to cherish with such great musical quality that when it rings in my ears, I don't know how I could ever stand to not hear it's cadence.

Ours was not the kind of love that pulled me in your direction like gravity to a planet--pushed to orbit you,  hold you in my embrace, but the strings of magnetism laced their way around my heart once I found that you were no solitary satellite, but an entire universe. I freely float through your open spaces basking in the vast beauty of your endlessness.

Ours was not the love that sits patiently years by years waiting to break free of a tight knit friendship and commonplace; even though in our brief entanglement, I swear I've known you several dozen lifetimes over, and we fell into familiarity with the ease of those who could have only known each other for decades.

Our love is not the kind of love that imprinted itself from the first time your hands brushed against my skin, now as they trace the lines along my hips, wrists,  neck; I have memorized their shape and sweet softness, commiting to memory how it feels intertwined with mine, tangled in tenderness.

Our love grew in me like a blanket of fresh fallen snow during a winter storm, covering everything in my view with purity and promise.
And suddenly
It all adds up, piles of reasons, while I stare in awe at the tempest.

I could write metaphors for it until my heart stops beating, but there's no way to actually word how I fell into this.
It just IS.
And it's nothing like I've ever known love to be.

Here's the thing,  and I get it, right?  
The stigma behind allowing my child to meet those
Whom I'm seeing.
But truthfully,
I've never fully understood why
There is an insistence on judgment
With how I choose to raise
My own seedling

And furthermore why invest
Time into something that
Doesn't vibe, with your mom-life
Why hide?
I want her to see, what love is
What it means to give
What it means to hurt

And mayhaps
It's not fair to expose
Her to the truths of the human experience
I haven't shown her anything
I wouldn't have wanted myself
To see from her eyes
I shelter the parts that are dear
Children should be just that
While they are, after everything is said
And I've witnessed enough for both of us
In my own time

But to show her that brand of happiness
That comes from something maybe
Her father never might be able
To access.

That takes true courage.

What is it like,
To forget a piece of you exists?  
My own I would never
Even though the other half of her
Is no longer my lover

Even when she's a woman grown
Never would I
Put my existence above her own
And maybe that's what separates
The mothers
From the seed used to sow

I'm forced by my mind
Sometimes to wonder
If you know
That my eyes glow
During conversation about passions
Like yours,  or so I'm told.

If you even cared to be
Aware of my feelings
I'd tell you
How happy I am for your
New found purpose
And the weight you carry of raising
My siblings.

But you don't.

And I suppose,
I'm forced to cope
With the pain of never knowing
Your true self

But I have found myself
And as a child,  transformed

I realize,
I don't need your love
To keep from hating the woman I've become.

They come in waves
Each one receding
And a fresh breaker each meeting
To lap against the seaboard
Phases,  individually different
Like seasons changing
They bring me reasons
To wish for steadier climates
Markedly too many cloudy days
And frosty iced beaches
Frigid and barren sand dunes
Glossy with the sheen of nothingness
Phases, always redundantly taunting
It cycles with the moon
As the tide rises
Deluge swelling to a riptide
A clumsy waltz, gravity and satellite
Fuller and more violent
With each movement
Threatens to deepen any second
The further it pulls
The farther the tendency creeps in
Shoreline expanding,  threshold capsizing
Each pulse a tender beat
I walk barefeet in the shallows
Timid to dare to wade too deep
Past the places I'm comfortable enough
With the feeling water against my exposed skin
And from here I can find stones to skip
Why would I trade leisure for treading
The sunset on the horizon
looks far more beautiful when
You can stand to see it
Phases, they help me remember I'm breathing
Because how can you bear to be alive
If you're not feeling
You're not truly living

Bitter disgust creeps over me
This seeming cloud,  dark and cold
Looms to rest upon my shoulders
An earth of unearthed restlessness
A burden the likeness of Atlas'
Weighing
                  Me
                        Down, and now?
My minds peace was only just found
Lensed memories unfocused
Once fierce defensed, now softened
A fault of mine, brought by elated carelessness
Blinded, in part, by optimism
Sunny disposition, eclipsing my affinity of guarded feelings
Other part, in layman, love
General heartfelt and honest affection
In roots reflection, mirrored image of my own
Sought to help sustain, intended nurtured growth
Found only rot, contagious decay of a soul
Then my own branch being infected
When only in care was it bowed, blossoms begin to wither
The warmth of spring they'd hardly known
Virus of untrusting insecure betrayal
Unjustly and so unfairly given
Am I not deserving of these gentle breezes?
After years of harsh and relentless frigid winter I've endured
And so, in sustain...limb thusly removed

Sleeved hearts only allow for deep grief and aching wounds.

I have never feared to love
Or to let love touch
The hidden places of my soul
I do not close
Myself off from those
Emotions that make us most human
Or hide from the fluidity
Of eyes flecked with longing  
Tenderness comes with ease
To me

And I see it now in yours

Honeyed glowing orbs
Speckled with curiosity
From underneath a shadowed brow
Come to disarm me
But I hold no weapon
With which to frighten
Or force you to turn from this
Only pens,  
And the notebooks I surround
Myself with
A writer knows
No sword can outmatch
The weight of a word
And with so many to choose from
To explain the phenomenon
Of us
I can only use one

Love

The heaviest of them all
And I feel it's potency
When you turn to glance
In my direction,
A foreign feeling
I am leveled by the honesty
Of the way your eyes
Scream only things unwritten
Unsaid
Unfettered
Windows to things we don't speak
The idea of forever
Etched into the panes
Do you see it in me?
Fixed in your gaze
Is the only home I'll ever need.

There is a swell inside my chest
Pressure steadily increasing
With each breath, I take
In your presence
Close,  so close
To the skin of insistence
Shall I?
Could I?
Take the chance to plummet

I have touched the edges,
Of forever
I have mouthed romanticisims
And sighed deep
Into the collarbones
Of those I thought could keep
My secrets, hidden
I have sunk into the flesh
Of lovers, I longed to call home
Tangled my vines around
Their bones,  and clung to the hope
Of a love that wouldn't grow old
I have shouted from rooftops,
Names that no longer cross my lips
Like fingertips, brushed across with longing
Branded myself with irons
That no longer have embers
to keep them aglow
And only my scars to remind me now,
That for a time,
They were mine.

Do not fear me, love
I have no penchant for pain
Just a strong desire
To be held longer than a fleeting moment
A poor merchant of poems
I could write you, into eternity
And if only
For a brief meeting
Our parallels have intersected
I'll carry you with me, in parchment
And memories
For this is far more than just
Children playing at intimacy