All I need is You, Lord
Sorry it took so long
For me to realize You're all I need
All I've ever needed
Thanks for never forsaking me
When I fell into the deepest pits
Thanks for being faithful
When I wasn't
Thanks for accepting me back
Father, thankyou for loving me
With an unconditional love
Thankyou for giving me hope
Thankyou for giving me a purpose
To live
To continue on
And to fight the good fight
Thankyou for Your blessings
Thankyou for breaking me out of *******
To sin
To the world
To pride and vanity
To materialism
To fear
To guilt
To depression
To drugs
And alcohol
Thankyou for healing me
Thankyou for bringing me someone who loves me with Your love
Thanks for letting me know You, Lord
You are perfect in all Your ways
You are worthy of all praise
You are sovereign
Let my life be glorifying to You

8-30-13

I raise my hand
I'm begging for help
My veins are like wind chimes
Dangling in the wind
Begging to be let out
To be visible
To make music
Music of the weak
To be vibrant sparklers
To run down steep banks
It's their fantasy to be free

My eyes try to open
But the sun is too bright

I don't want to cry
So I close my eyes

I try to keep it in
To show that I'm strong

It's so hard sometimes
So I squeeze them shut

I open them again
When I hear laughter

I wish I could go outside

But is is too dificult for me

If I could just smile..

But I feel pain
I feel remorse

I feel weak and little

I don't want to time-travel
So I block the images out

I close my eyes

I force them to **shut

One, at least, disappeared everyday
Just a mere glance to believe that they
Wanted help; what did they have suitable for pay?
Continued shouting the words: survival, death and decay

Silent, watchful, motionless like cold solid gnomes
They started separating from their cozy home-sweet-homes
No longer attached to their structured, functional-like combs
Serious, morbid; ordered to stop their free jolly roams

The edge of a definite cliff
The matter of death close
A breeze, a tilt could cause just the right shift
When would be the last dose?


Foliage hardening
Pigments darkening
No angels harkening

Everything was changing thanks to the king with the gold hand
Death touching Mother Nature and all in its way
Deliberately ignoring last moments of the final stand
Life was progressively, slowly eroding away

Afraid of speaking out more, Nature still had no say
“Be gone!” They screamed but help, none had they

Like a November day but all year round
Protested but doubted they had a case not sound
Gold piercing breath and hope being seared
Layers of black leaves and moisture adhered

Foliage hardening
Pigments darkening
No angels harkening

Ignored, but now gone, a sudden sadness fell
A spirit clashed with death for an old story to tell

A legend of life, fruitful and green
Neglected, and now, no hint of such scene


Still no ounce of life, or hope in sight
The world reached its height and lost it in a night


Foliage hardening
Pigments darkening
No angels harkening

A fear of not remembering what used to be
Blossoms and candy-colored trees
Birds chirping and honey-gathering bees
And out on the coasts, blue, swaying luscious seas

Taken for granted, but not enjoyed until over
Everyone was sad, doleful, and sober
Because of what used to be
Now, all that was left, was just one memory

waves, full of life
running alongside you
back and forth, restless
tides acting like fingers
wiping away the salt
from the corners of your eyes
telling you that life never stops
doesn't stand still, even for you

9/26/12


Blots of crimson cloud

Waterfalls,splashing the surface

One by one

All of them fell

Dripping unto the stone cold floors

One intertwining with the other,making swirls

Making its lazy journey across the once-spotless squares

Streams of faint red following the way the grain went

Guilt chased innocence until it hid from sight

Red rained on guilt and then,a quietness formed

A quietness that even made innocence sick

Sigh after sigh
Wanting to scream
Wanting to let go
Sigh after sigh
Wanting another life
Wanting to cry
Sigh after sigh
Wanting to leave
Wanting to die
Sigh after sigh
Wanting to dream
Wanting to forget

11/15/12

Disillusioned
My eyes want to bleed tears
Tears that haven't been able to form
Until this moment or at least soon..
When the flower is dried,
All she wants is to be alive once more
But, once, the rain pours and pours for days,
Cries can be heard all around
No longer about life but death
No longer thankful but reluctant
And the unimaginable..
The rejection of nature..Like me being rejected
Beautiful, but rejected
Laughing but it's different
It's like when you're in the middle of laughing
But all of a sudden, you feel like you've been slapped
Drowning..stop

I found this, a poem I wrote long ago.. I think I wrote it on 8-28-11
---------------------------------------------------------­----------------------------------------
It is awkward, a fazed condition
A blind vision like the sun shining in your eyes
So luminiscent, forcing your eyes to close and stay shut
Sour like the glares from strangers
Stings like a wasp, hurts for a while
Numbness, lost, Don't know the way, blindfolded
Laying awake on many restless nights
Always questioning, mind getting more cloudy
No light shining in, pitch black
Alone in the darkness, silence
Paralyzed, unable to accomplish anything
Enclosed by all fears, no hope

11/7/12

Swaying back and forth
Trees almost dance as they greet one another
And then, millions of leaves rustle
Trying to tell me that they haven't forgotten me
Sounding like a waterfall
These great trees could be waterfalls in another world
One where not one sould has seen water
And the gold, red and orange find their way towards me
Loveletter after loveletter transcending to me

6-25-2015

I'm lacking interest
In my life, in my persona
I'm trying to change
Into someone who's more interesting
Into someone who isn't ever lacking
In areas of his or her life
Such as love, fun
And everyday conversations
But I'm failing
To live a life that is acceptable
To vegans, college kids
And overall cool people

Shaved head
Chipped nail polish
Hang nails
And an upside-down crescent frown

Heavy eyelids
Pale face
Smudged eyeliner
And pigeon-toed feet

Long and tangled hair
Bushy eyebrows
Bloodshot eyes
And shaking fingers

Hair in the way
Laugh lines
Furrowed brows
And a broken heart

Tear-stained letters
An unsaid goodbye
Voices echoing
"Please stay"

Ashes drop
Waterfalls smash
Love finally leaves
And a sadness profoundly falls

Chilly, dark nights and falling leaves
Pouring rain and humid, hot nights
Pitch black nights, busy streets and vivid lights
Salt-scented air, roaring waves and sandy beaches
Cloudy, quiet days and gray skies
Windy atmospheres, fresh air, and swaying tees
Cold mornings start early, at dawn
White, snowy paths with only your pair of footprints in a hidden, white-covered world
Those times where you seem invisible in an overly-crowded place, but instead you're the one everyone sees
Staring past people's stares and unintentionally into others' eyes
Waiting, exhausted, trying to stay awake, anything but yawn
Seeing two, screaming inside that it's not fair
Covering my face with my hands, refusing to look, saying they're so lucky
Always on my mind, and seeing 2, feeling mocked
Everywhere I go, I want to scream louder
Heart aches, I only want to see one 2
Wondering, but not far enough
Obliged to seem happy, but inside, it's killing
They say the ones that care most about you is your family
I don't want that to be true
No one knows that I'm always fighting
The absense is destroying
No one can take another's place
Laying down in my cold room, cars pass by, illuminating, and then, creating shadows
Writing, just letters on a page, trying to find recognition

Como te puedo olvidar
Si te tengo en mis pensamientos
Cada noche antes que cierro los ojos
Tus palabras en mis orejas
Como sí me estabas hablando
Por la primera vez

Como te puedo dejar
Si me robaste el corazón
Es como mi cuerpo me esta diciendo
Algo no es normal
Te falta algo muy especial

Nadamas quiero dejar de pensar en las cosas
Cosas que no deben de formar
Cosas que no quiero que sean realidad
Ay las tantas veces..
Que las e pensado
Cada noche cuando estoy sola
Las noches que lloraba
Por pensar en ti
Y todo lo que ha pasado
Como me siento
Que no puedo
Cambiar el pasado ni la situacion

They laugh
At you
Rather than with you
They see your smile
And that makes them die
                            
Of laughter
It kills them inside
To see you so happy

So envious
You think they mean well
But you are everything they want to destroy

But let me tell you,
They will ridicule you
And joke with you
As friends do

But an enemy you shall be to them

Behind that mask, a monster they've become
Trying to be you

Because they know
Even though
You are not perfect,

You are beautiful.

And when they age and come to find out
They were in the wrong
That it was in vain
To try to ruin your life

That they never had one to begin with

Always searching for something more
When their life was better off than yours
From the mere beginning

It's not how it starts, but how it ends.

Days numbered, staring into the sun
Silence, blinding, flickering, silence..
Raindrops falling into the deepest of valleys
Never ending, disappearing, hazy, silence..
Forgetting eternity, drenched in fret, into hiding
Drowning cries, blending into backgrounds
Glistening, blurry, ever so present but invisible
Near, but lonely, a shout, flickering, silence..
A drop of salt and water hit the ground..
Eyes stinging, numb, struggled breathing, screaming
Blurred, tears cascading, "Where am I," thoughts conflicting
"Where's my escape," cold shoulders
Heat rising, "how did I get here"
Fear brewing, lips purse, teeth clattering
Eyes bulge then blink rapidly, deep breaths
Words unspoken, holding tongues, fists clench
And eyes get red, skin hot, delirious
Streams trickle down mounds
Glssy reflections appear then eyes shut
Utter blackness and falling
Falling down into a black pit
A pit that has no bottom


Last stanza (a different take)(optional)
A piercing alarm sounds as she greets me
A smile instead of offering an explanation
As I realize that it was never real

8-28-13

Cloudy night
Making my own clouds
I put it down
Making my own winds
Tornadoes turning into mushrooms
They remind me of Hiroshima
My hands go through the metal nets
Why am I here?
No breeze
Just the slight murmer of stories untold
I'm alone in my own thoughts
Remembering the pain I went through
Wanting to get up
Wanting to leave
But I'm surrounded by black lines
Lines made of steel
Too close together
So, here I wait
In my own little world
Half-listening to stories
That will never make it out of here
Stories that no one else will ever here

11-22-12
Prose?
-------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------------------------------------­----

Running water
Covering myself
Holding myself
Tighter
Maybe I can forget everything this way
Just maybe I can move past everything
Submerging into the one place I might be able to forget
I can barely hear you now
Your accusations, insults, anything about me
At least with this, I can feel something
Something to get my mind off your bickering
I don't want to argue
That's why I block you out
It's euphoria, but then, I forget I can't stay underwater for so long
But having that option makes me feel good
It's like all I have to do is push a button
Who are you?
You're just a small frequency out there somewhere
Now, I can relax again
Just blocking all my surroundings makes me believe
To believe that I can be free

1-14-13

Lights touched every corner of the place
Colors danced around
I tried to breathe but it was too much

Nature was a symphony before me
It screamed its name, wanting to make itself known
But I didn't hear it

I loved clear skies
I let them know they were worthy of adoration
They were something I could relate to

They enclosed our world
But were completely empty and unreachable

The skies seemed unreal
Did they know I was there?
I knew the world didn't

We needed the skies to live
I still didn't know my purpose
I found myself separated that day from my only friend
As I stood intimidated by its new skin

I wished that I could kiss the sky
Maybe it could be my lady luck, my Budda
But it was impossible...it being unreachable

How could nothingness turn into a butterfly?
And then, as it fluttered all around
I tried mimicking my new found interest

I never got bored of the pretty patterns
The way it gracefully moved
And then, I blinked, because it was gone

I was dead
How long had I been still?
My eyes were fixed on some point

Was it where the pefect creature had been seen last?
My marker read "Eros"
And I didn't remember anything about my life

My eyes were still watching the silent ripples
I was gasping for air, looking at my torn wings

Rain poured out of the heavens
At first, I braced myself for the cold, but changed my mind
I'd rather feel numb
I was blinded while warm drops fell on me
I was covered all over
But I kept sinking into the blackness

Pathos fell from above
The heavens were crying
I flickered my eyes open to watch the one who had always been watching out for me
And the earth remained silent as I entered hell

3-6-13

Here, alone
Outside, danger lurking
Inside, safe but uncomfortable
There, not understood
And alone.

Tension on both ends
Pressure the outcome of both decisions
Like a seesaw
Never steady
Only shaking
Like a tealight
Flickering amongst the darkness
One more huff
and I'm nonexistent
Blending into the darkness

9-2-13

I think she's grateful there's people out there like me
Curious, we are, about her

Wondering now we can help her
And her friend, Mother Nature

Instead of covering the ground with cigarette ashes
Dressed as innocent, pretty little flower girls

Choking the green lovely grass
Acting as the reaper
Demanding a death wish on her friend already

Blaming it on stress
Until we see salt and pepper fields

Instead of being the norm, she's grateful
That we don't throw our useless junk into the sea
Drowning all the life there is

Smothering life and having busy schedules
Having schedules too full
To forget about life
No free time with our own sweet little families
Schedules asking too much of
To cast life off to the side
To only worry about ourselves
We only worry about what society thinks of us

And soon, we'll all be robots
Choking the life out of life
And all life will be gone
If not gone already

9-2-13

Maybe, I must turn away
For I am ashamed
"Why?"
Why do you ask?
Well, for one---
She's laughing at me
I can see it in her eyes

But I have my eyes closed
Laying here
How amazing it is to feel the warm asphault
And have the wind at my face
Kissing me
She's blowing kisses to me, my idol

Basking in the warmth
Trying to hear the ants underground
Mirrowing her reflection
As I feel my cheekbones rise

I love how the wind sounds
Ripples float above me
In the big sea of sky

Just the sound of pure Mother Nature
And all I see is a orangish-peachy color
Imagining what the sun looks like
But no doubt, she's looking down on me
And smiling

8/31/12

What makes thoughts scatter
Exhiliration normal
Hearts tender
& eyes sparkle?

What makes pain invisible
Tears incapable
The soul warm
And lips into crescents

What makes voices inaudible
Everyday scenes art
Nature a fantasy
And life made for us?

A term widely used but
rarely understood
More rare than the largest-cut diamonds
Or most unique-colored pearl
Something thought to be seen, but unseen
Like fine grains of sand being blown into the wind
On a constant journey but never disappearing
Existing quite profoundly but hidden
Beauty in simplicity, a flower in the rain
Greater than looking into the night sky
It's breathless like looking into the ocean of stars
If only swimming in the lights were possible
Like they light up the night with their splendor
Stars transforming the dark into day
Love is very real, stealing death and transforming it
Into beautiful magic
That being life..hope

I wrote this at rehab last fall.
----------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------

The forests are covered with white snowy icicles
The wind is calling for a storm
The wolf packs are calling for peace
And my heart is calling for a home

10/24


When I climbed, it got harder

As I saw the water cascading, the more I wanted to let go

As the tension peaked and my vision got grainy

The pressure to be like the trickling water increased

To fall and let down my guard

To just be free

But I couldn't accept defeat nor freedom

I could only hope for triumph

Freedom was selfish and defeat would ruin me

It would be the end of me

I was at the hardest part of my journey

But I was, also, almost to the top of Mt. Everest

Note: I wrote this sometime in the middle of June.

Silver, grey, slate, metallic, pink, tan, yellow,
Lime green; they were all the same..
As a door opened, a church bell rang
Another color flashed
Stop it? Stop it. Blue. Sky blue...
The full moon seen out a square
Open window with no pane..
No nothing.. naked, just naked..
Dark blue..
Beauty in it's obscenity

They felt cold against the warm
Water droplets that bled
Down the curves of her body
And into the deep creases
She had marked into herself
Like tattoos acting as record logs
The number of times
She felt she was worthless
The times she had wanted to disappear
Into those ****** trenches
Each tear hurt her more
Than the one before

8-27-11
Note: (Not meant to confuse but--) I realized that I had been questioning, but what I did not know was that it was only the beginning. I think this is rather prose.


It was so windy outside
I stood there
Taking in all the sights around me
I couldn't absorb anything
I continued to stand there
I could not memorize the scene it seemed
This is all I knew
For most of my life, I became bored with everyday scenes
Tonight, I couldn't get enough
It had been forever since it felt so good
It was not hot nor cold
It was perfect to think about things
I hated how I was always thinking
However, in atmospheres like this weren't the same
It was like my problems went away
I had found comfort and clarity
I saw the streetlamps and the shadows
The trees were swaying
Everything seems to be alive
Everything was moving in a rythmic movement
I stood there, paralyzed , the only one that remained unchanged
Something seemed completely different
It felt almost foreign
The atmosphere had changed
I don't know what it was
I knew there was something
What was I doing alone?
I saw the deep blue, almost indigo spacious eternity
The stars glimmered brightly
And all I saw was your face

I know how hard it is
When you can't look up
To meet peoples' eyes

I know how difficult it is
When you have to force
A smile when you see your friends

I know how irrational it is
To say it's gonna be okay
You just have to wait

But did you ever stop to wonder
How it got this way?

I wrote this on 10-27-12 and I wrote 2 versions of the poem.. I didn't know which one was better..Tell me what you think guys .. Also on the first version I was wondering if I should add a last line which would be "Last night's chaos" however I think it might take away the effect? or maybe it sounds more like a song sort of thing if I add it? But it's a great style..I mean repetition, you know? Feel free to comment ..It would be greatly appreciated

#1 (Original verson)


Clearly irregular
Jagged triangles
Piercing pain
Needles pinching flesh
Drowning the shards
Flowing red
Transcending across them to the door
It was from last night
Last night's chaos
The door, the only escape from this mess
And all this will be forgotten
As I shove the door ajar,
My eyes blur as I see your hand
And we're back to last night


Version #2

All of them forming an icy floor
Clearly irregular jagged traiangles
Piercing pain as needles pinch flesh
Flowing red curtains drown the shards
Transcending across them to the door
It was from last night's chaos
The door, the only escape from this mess
And all this will be forgotten
Every step an act of strength
Forcing my eyes to stare down the door
To force it open and As I meet my new life
As I shove the door ajar
My heart stops and I hear the glass shattering again
My eyes blur in a split-second as I see your hand
And we're back to that night
We're back to last night

11/6/12


Sleep takes over you

Warped versions of your life appear

It's been 9 or 10 hours

Why can't I wake?

Why am I still dreaming?

It's ok. I've been teckking on this journey

I should be tired

I must be

I keep turning because I'm cold

Because I slept in my clothes

The light outside gently wakes me up

My lids unveil

I check the time

It says 7 something, maybe 7:50

I dance around the house to not disturb anyone else from their journies

Hazily, I try focusing my vision, looking for something

Looking for something recognizable

I subtly walk across the first round of tiles

The clock says 6:59

I quickly go outside in order to meet the painter

Maybe He just started

I open my exit to outside

Cold and damp roads meet me

Rain or shine, I could use the fresh air

But the cold reminds me of the night

The night where I passed through the greatest desert

The grains flying in my face and blinding me

When it was hard to take even one step

When my circumstances told me that they were so great, it's best to fade away

To fade away with the wind

Into the red grains

To cover me from others

To let the desert bring them in like they once did me

To gleam in their eyes but to cover the outcome of choices

But I didn't go with the wind

Instead I was like the wind

Going everywhere but not having a specific place to call home

To use as my shelter from the world

Or from it all

Should I go back to my journies

Befriending them would mean I had somewhere to go

But I didn't want to be praised as an Olympian who crossed that desert and swam that ocean..

I wanted to be myself

I wanted to hide..

I didn't want to exist to the world

-ro

11/4/12

Almond-shaped foilage cover the earth
Fortresses of breath-taking branches and limbs
Bark richly-colored by silver and white
All around, pigments of gold and burgandy surround
And up above, a blanket of white
Like a canopy
A pause present in order to reflect
And all I can say is nothing, nothing at all

9/26/12
Note: I don't title a lot of my poems.
I think it takes away the effect..
  

They saw me before I saw them

There were many of them

Thousands and thousands of butterflies

They watched me as I lay in the grass

They seemed so free

So light, so beautiful

I wanted to be like them

But I was in the grass

Bound to the earth

They, loose, in the air

I couldn't get up, I know, because I kept dreaming

Staring at the vivid colors blending together like a painting

I dreamed that I was in that painting

But it didn't change anything

It just made me realize something

That I wasn't amongst them

I wasn't free

I found one of my long lost poems!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------­----------------------

Like waking up
Like lying down
Like blanking out
Blink, blink, and all I see is darkness
Piercing, but distant
An unknowing, but growing
Yearning to be let out
Thump, thump; what do you want?
Dazed, thump again, steadying
Hitting the floor, shattering
Glass everywhere
Footsteps; when will they stop? hushed voices
Echoing, illusions; what just happened?
Thump, thump, thump
I can hear your heart
Burdens, regrets, mistakes
Everything runs together
I follow along, and then....no more

5/31/12

Enclosed, separated from the outside world
Watching scenes from behind a window pane
Defeated, trapped in a different world
Becoming unconscious of existence but still sane
Motionless, lifeless until another inhale is felt
Nothing to keep its company except a black curtain
No freedom nor independence, reaching for an escape
Swallowing every bit of criticism, negativity and disapproval
Lenses begin to blur as black clay runs down cliffs
Sudden bursts of red appear, exhaling as energy is absorbed
For once, it feels like everything will be okay

Rejected
from society
from family
from church
from the world
Tested
in public
in school
in the household
in life
by God
Viewed as
wierd
church girl
annoying
weak
stupid

The taste of tobacco lingering on my tongue
My tongue is split and covered in snow
White smoke is escaping my lips
It reminds me of him and his clothes
As well as his chapped soft pink lips
That were caused by waiting in the icy wind

I'm on the porch
Watching the rain
Dance on the sidewalks
Wishing I could get soaked
And saturated in love expressed by heaven's tears
She's tired of letting the sun outrule her
She's tired of pretending to be okay
And I get it
Because I'm at that moment too

It's about time to head home

Maybe the sky is sobbing because I can't hear you yell my name
I can't hear you telling me that it's getting late

As if I'm going to be exposed to some deadly disease
As if nature was bad for me
As if nature wasn't kind

But then, again, I wish your voice had been louder
I never got to hear it really

I wish the clouds weren't throwing tantrums
Demanding to be heard
Begging to be wanted
I silently almost pleaded with the skies to stop

I wanted to hear your melancholic call
I wanted to hear you say my name again and again
I wanted to be wanted just like the atmosphere wanted to let it all out

But most of all, I wanted you to have run after me as I walked away
Pretending I didn't notice you beckoning me

You almost broke
That was the closest I had seen your walls be shattered
You didn't notice me looking at you but I saw it in your eyes

We were all crying
Not only could I tell by your heaving figure in the corner of my eye
Not only could we tell by the banks of water pitter-pattering
But I started crying after I turned the corner
And that's because you didn't chase me
You didn't follow me

I knew it before I started heading in the opposite direction
Because you knew I'd be gone for awhile

But I'd always come back

I always had hoped you'd open up to me

If I disappeared
It might have started an argument

At least I would know if you cared

It'd be after midnight
When I'd start to walk back home
Long before the rain stopped

And you'd be there
Waiting for me

As if I had never left
As if I deserved nothing
Nothing new
But silence
And a *cold shoulder

It is August 22th.
Nothing special happened today.
Like usual.
Just disappointments and expectations destroyed.
Sirens.
Will you still love me when I'm no longer young?
And beautiful?
Will you still care?
Will you still wait?
If I got locked away,
Would you still love me the same?

8-30-13

All I see is green
Oak lively green leaves
But in my mind
It's the other green
No, not money
But my escape
The feeling of numbness
The green I have come to love
But no, it's not that green
It's still just the useless green
The green of Mother Nature
Oak brown colored leaves
In my mind's eye
Just oak leaves
I'd rather just stomp on
Let them cover the many avenues
But they are hanging up
Like ornaments on a tree
Tricking me into believing
They have some sort of worth
Some magic
But no,
Just...oak...leaves
All around
Rotting but living

I'm dieting
Sleeping a lot
Listening to loud music
Drinking lots of tea
Trying to hang out
With anyone and everyone
Having pointless conversations
Wishing I was high
To get my mind off you
But it's too hard
I don't know what else I can do
I got my undercut back
I'm going to get my gauges back
I'm going to look better
And feel better about myself
To forget you
To move on
I hope you notice me
I hope you dream about me
I hope you wish you missed what we had
Please come back
But until then,
I'll be doing me

She has to clap
To hide her shaking

She has to clench her jaw
To keep her voice from trembling

She has to close her eyes
To keep the room from spinning

She has to grip the wall
To keep herself from moving

She has to bite her tongue
To keep herself from stumbling

She has to blink
To keep from tearing

But most of all
And day by day,
She has to crawl
To keep herself from falling

2-19-12

Bright glares hitting your skin
Smooth and caramel
Made me think of the beach
And how easy it was to give in

Everytime I pick up my phone
My eyes blur
Because just a click away
I can go back to those messages

It's happening all over again
How you cut me deeper
Than any cut I did to myself
To try to forget the pain

The pain you caused me
Before you even said those things
But now,
It's like you cut me off life support

And at the end of the day
The hospital is where I'll end

I don't like what I see
I hate seeing it
The sadness
And the dirt
That covers the beauty
Or so they say

I'm one of those clowns
With the teardrops painted on
I was so close to getting them tattooed
I feel *****, I feel used
Like the grime can never wash off

What can I do?
What can I say?
To be a normal teenager once again

What should I say?
How should I act?
For people to never ask me "what's wrong?" again?

Here I am once again
Staring into the bathroom mirror
With tears on my cheeks
And on my lips

Daring them to slide off my chin
And down my arms
Daring them to turn red
Before I do it myself

Please just turn red on your own
Or I will be forced to hurt that ugly girl in the mirror again
That used, rotten little girl
Who put herself in such a situation
She deserves it, doesn't she?

She's trying to make me feel sorry by crying again
As my blade slides across my wrist,
I recall what a selfish rotten girl I was
For turning in a good Christian boy in

It's as if I can't remember you.
It's as if you were a dream.
Not in a good way.
But in the fact that I remember you vaguely.
I'm going to be married soon.
I wish I didn't waste my time with you.
Cutting myself, because you caused me unnecessary pain.
But it was all in vain.
Maybe, I tried to get you to understand
That leaving me was wrong.
But I should have left you long before you decided that you wanted us to end
I should have said goodbye
Before you decided that you wanted to quit this fling
                                                                                     of nonsense.
                                                                               this relationship
                                                                                    of infatuation.
                                                                                this fake commitment
                                                                                    of so-called love
                                                                                 which ran off pangs
                                                                                   of emotional distress                    with                                                                            no real sense
                                                                                         of trust
and                                                                            revolved around
                                                                                  selfish feelings
                                                                                         of lust.

It started out fun
no strings
just you and me
ruling the world
or so it seemed
now I'm just staring into space

Don't remember what it was like before you
but all I know is that what we had was real
what we had was love

You fell into a depression
you turned me into a ******
a madman

I casually lock eyes with a stranger
I keep staring
Like one who has no hope at all
Wondering if my pain can be felt

I haven't touched my coffee
I forgot it was there

As I'm staring into space
I got you on my mind

Hated to see that teardrop
That slid down your face that cold day

Loved you from the first moment
My eyes caressed your face

Didn't understand how people
Could be so cruel

That was the day
I vowed I'd never hurt you
Or ever tell you that I loved you

10/31/12

Love, a distant idea
Some think it's happiness
Some, pain
Some, a nusiance
But love is a sacrifice
Not all magical
But a beautiful painting of compassion