Hated to see that teardrop
That slid down your face that cold day

Loved you from the first moment
My eyes caressed your face

Didn't understand how people
Could be so cruel

That was the day
I vowed I'd never hurt you
Or ever tell you that I loved you

You left.
You're gone.
I'm here.
With not a soul by my side.
I'm sad.
I'm alone.
I'm scared.
You're asleep.
I'm barely breathing.
Please come back.
I need you.

3-6-13
This is more like prose...
--------------------------------------------------------­-------------------------------------------------------------

Ro­lling the ballpoint pen between my fingers
Careful not to drop it
But there it goes again
As I'm far away in my own thoughts

My only escape
But I never picked it up again
Because he told me to throw it away
I would have picked it up again
My treasure, my everything

I became consumed and I hadn't noticed it was laying on the floor
For years
My thoughts were no longer my own
And the house was put up for sale

He died and I wept for months
I had nothing from him
I dreamed of the past..

I bought the house
Full of memories
Of when I spent every waking moment
Smelling the beautiful hardwood floors
And the fresh honeysuckles I'd taste in the spring
And my dad's musky scent.
It was all there.

I saw an ordinary pen on the floor
Then, I saw its faint designs.
And suddenly regretted forgetting to pick it up

It was the part of me that made me one of a kind
Like the design on it that made it different than any other pens
I laid eyes on.

I instantly felt lonely again
And wondered why he left so early.

9-2-13

Man, all this sun
So hot, so bright
I look up and have to turn away

Maybe, because it's unbearable to look at
With it's darling rays
And it's great illuminosity

Maybe, because of it's golden, wide-set eyes
And faux gold full hips
And let's not forget----
It's beautifully-carved upturned corners
Quite a masterpiece

Spinning and smiling
Maybe she's high as well--
Maybe she isn't
Maybe she's just as natural and carefree,
How girls these days should be
Maybe it's because she just ain't like that
Maybe she just has that much self-pride
Or self esteem

So high she is
Because she's flying so high in the sky
But I have to look away
I cannot bear to see her dancing in the breeze
Then, sitting on the clouds
Caressing them as if pillows
I just cannot behold her glory, her nature, her charm

She's whispering to me, sweet melodies
Begging me to join her
And I am about to go
But, right now, I'm dreaming---
Day dreaming

12-17-12

Lost at words
But keeping my dignity
I walk past you
And all the other onlookers

I saw how you changed
But it's your life
But once you started to pierce me
I just knew I had to let go

Your eyes follow me
And we both know I can feel it
But do I care?
Well, let's just say, I'm keeping my dignity

You're trying to make me feel sorry but it wasn't my choice
Now, I'm not letting go of my dream
You're not bringing me down
Nor am I stopping for you

What happened to YOUR dignity?
Why are you trying to take mine?
You let it wash down the drain
And you're the (only) one to blame

Every action means I'm farther from you
Every walk is a stride
I can feel the ***** loosening
And no longer, your eyes

1-17-12

As I sat there motionless
I watched the colors of the leaves change
From green, to red, to dead and still
From alive and striking to black and spotted

Night after night
I'd sit in the corner
Wishing it'd finally be daylight

Hour after hour
I'd stay silent
Wishing it could be that time when the colors change already

Month after month
Cars' headlights shine through the windows
And I stayed there, crying in a corner

Little did I know
The leaves ripened
And my mother came to tell me

She cried and apologized
But I asked her like I always did
"Are the leaves changing colors yet?"

And she finally answered me after all those years
The answer I was waiting to hear
"Yes...they are really beautiful this year"

I stared and stared
Tears streaming down my face
As I realized I was blind

The light hits my lids
Telling me to be happy
Almost tricking me into thinking that I could be
If I just wanted to
If only it was that easy

Not even the real sun
My house is dark  
My kitchen light is on
And it's barely 1 am

My emotions match the atmosphere outside
My head is laying on the counter
My hands and arms are covering my eyes
Someone please turn off the light

11/5/12

Staying silent
Barely breathing the crisp air
In the night
Not a soul in sight.. No one to see my pain
Streetlamps flicker
Looking at them then away
To take everything in
While outside, in the fresh air
Outside the confinements of conservative opinions
Out in the world
On the porch
It's as real as it gets
My thoughts and myself
Someone could be watching but no one was
Wondering what is time
Staring past the lights, into the black
Turning my eyes away to try not to cry
To not let the lights smile brightly as my lips quiver
To not be exposed
To not let the world steal my soul
To not let anyone hear what troubles turn someone into
To stop the world from laughing

1-2-13

You acting like you got it all
But you know, I saw you the other day
Your eyes all searching for something invisible
Looking like you about to lose your grip on life

You walking with you head high
Your smile bigger than the moon
And your eyes brighter than the sun
But you know what, I saw you as if you were broken glass that day

And of course, I was scared to walk up to you
With all those pieces of you on the ground
Those shards of glass everywhere

But I couldn't believe it was you
I couldn't believe that the same person I saw that day was you

Last time I checked your name was pride
But you were now on the steps
All shattered, with the label Chaos

Same body but different person
Different character but same thoughts
Were you dropped or did you fall?
Did you deteriorate or were you knocked over?

I'm 20.
Today.
Well, I'll be 20
At 8:33 pm.
Today.
20 is nice.
For an age.
I can't wait.
To be 20.

My skin is raw
My flesh is burning
It's my own
Secret that the world is kept from
And when I heal
They wouldn't know the difference
Because summer is coming
And winter is almost gone
Like you yourself
But it will always be icy
Here in my heart
I never suspected I'd do it for you

3-6-13

Prose..?
------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------------------------

As I stared past a man who walked by,
I wondered if anything is ever meant to be;
Why people are always leaving.

I shifted in the chair as I looked
At the clock
On the far back wall.

I thumbed through the pages of the book
I carried in my hands
I had no intention of ever reading.

I wondered why my life had no meaning
As I peeled off the skin
That was around my chipped nails.

I let out a small sigh
As I straightened
My hurting back.

I crossed my legs
And pushed aside my mangled thoughts
And closed my eyes
And inhaled slowly.
"In another life"

1-19-13

My eyes bleed clear
I cannot see
It's a blur
I am running in my mind
Hesitation in my feet
I have to decide
But I can't
All I can do is cry
Tears that have built up over time
That were never meant to form

12-12-12

I knew the past before me
And the night I let it go
I remembered being afraid
But the next day, I had more strength

The following months ahead
were the most difficult to walk by
I had to remind myself that I was no longer chained
but as a new person breathing new air
Living as a freed slave that was no longer enclosed by a square piece of land
That was all I'd ever know(n)

11/6/12


I look left and see a pale pink sky

Right, no longer a gray sky but a blue

If we had to pick which one we were

Everyone would rush to say pink

I'd pick the other..

Not because that's me, but because it's..

The one that stays the same

The one that gives me hope

The one that gives me strength to live

For me to be able to move on breathing steadily

Walking in a sense

But literally, crawling..

12-14-12

What makes us think the way we do?
Why do we care about certain things?
Why do our hearts break?
Why do we trick outselves into being stronger?
Why don't we stop?
Why don't we slow down?
Why do we ignore wet faces?
Why do we pretend we're ignorant?
Why do we rush past others?
Why do we hurry past humans?
Why do we walk past ourselves?

I have no idea
What's going to happen
In the future
Will I have a job?
Or will I have a career?
Will I ever go to college?
Or will I ever be homeless?
Would I buy liqour?
Probably not.
But let's face it.
I'm going to be lonely.
So.. Yeah, I might
Just so I can stop
Thinking so much
And drown my sorrows
In alcohol

The agony is killing me
Does he ever talk about me?
Does he ever think about me?
Does he ever dream about me?
Or has he forgotten about me already?
Does he cringe every-time he remembers me?
And what exactly does he remember?
Has he really forgotten me?
Or does he refuse to remember the time we spent together
In rehab?
And how we made all those promises?

12-14-12

I was in the tree
Not because I wanted to be a bird
I just wanted to be me
And that's who I was
If I wanted to be a bird
I would be with the others
Not alone, up in a bare tree

Wish I could reach the stars
Take one and give it to him
But I'm not on top of the roof
Wish I could talk about everything
But I'm nervous
I'm afraid
So, I stay silent
I can't even reach for his hand
I wonder what's on his mind
He takes my hand
And I'm just staring into space
Wondering why

Away, in a dream
Close, in reality
When you wake
You come to find
That you were close
All along