They laugh
At you
Rather than with you
They see your smile
And that makes them die
                            
Of laughter
It kills them inside
To see you so happy

So envious
You think they mean well
But you are everything they want to destroy

But let me tell you,
They will ridicule you
And joke with you
As friends do

But an enemy you shall be to them

Behind that mask, a monster they've become
Trying to be you

Because they know
Even though
You are not perfect,

You are beautiful.

And when they age and come to find out
They were in the wrong
That it was in vain
To try to ruin your life

That they never had one to begin with

Always searching for something more
When their life was better off than yours
From the mere beginning

It's not how it starts, but how it ends.

All I need is You, Lord
Sorry it took so long
For me to realize You're all I need
All I've ever needed
Thanks for never forsaking me
When I fell into the deepest pits
Thanks for being faithful
When I wasn't
Thanks for accepting me back
Father, thankyou for loving me
With an unconditional love
Thankyou for giving me hope
Thankyou for giving me a purpose
To live
To continue on
And to fight the good fight
Thankyou for Your blessings
Thankyou for breaking me out of *******
To sin
To the world
To pride and vanity
To materialism
To fear
To guilt
To depression
To drugs
And alcohol
Thankyou for healing me
Thankyou for bringing me someone who loves me with Your love
Thanks for letting me know You, Lord
You are perfect in all Your ways
You are worthy of all praise
You are sovereign
Let my life be glorifying to You

It started out fun
no strings
just you and me
ruling the world
or so it seemed
now I'm just staring into space

Don't remember what it was like before you
but all I know is that what we had was real
what we had was love

You fell into a depression
you turned me into a ******
a madman

I casually lock eyes with a stranger
I keep staring
Like one who has no hope at all
Wondering if my pain can be felt

I haven't touched my coffee
I forgot it was there

As I'm staring into space
I got you on my mind

You left.
You're gone.
I'm here.
With not a soul by my side.
I'm sad.
I'm alone.
I'm scared.
You're asleep.
I'm barely breathing.
Please come back.
I need you.

It is August 22th.
Nothing special happened today.
Like usual.
Just disappointments and expectations destroyed.
Sirens.
Will you still love me when I'm no longer young?
And beautiful?
Will you still care?
Will you still wait?
If I got locked away,
Would you still love me the same?

I'm on the porch
Watching the rain
Dance on the sidewalks
Wishing I could get soaked
And saturated in love expressed by heaven's tears
She's tired of letting the sun outrule her
She's tired of pretending to be okay
And I get it
Because I'm at that moment too

It's about time to head home

Maybe the sky is sobbing because I can't hear you yell my name
I can't hear you telling me that it's getting late

As if I'm going to be exposed to some deadly disease
As if nature was bad for me
As if nature wasn't kind

But then, again, I wish your voice had been louder
I never got to hear it really

I wish the clouds weren't throwing tantrums
Demanding to be heard
Begging to be wanted
I silently almost pleaded with the skies to stop

I wanted to hear your melancholic call
I wanted to hear you say my name again and again
I wanted to be wanted just like the atmosphere wanted to let it all out

But most of all, I wanted you to have run after me as I walked away
Pretending I didn't notice you beckoning me

You almost broke
That was the closest I had seen your walls be shattered
You didn't notice me looking at you but I saw it in your eyes

We were all crying
Not only could I tell by your heaving figure in the corner of my eye
Not only could we tell by the banks of water pitter-pattering
But I started crying after I turned the corner
And that's because you didn't chase me
You didn't follow me

I knew it before I started heading in the opposite direction
Because you knew I'd be gone for awhile

But I'd always come back

I always had hoped you'd open up to me

If I disappeared
It might have started an argument

At least I would know if you cared

It'd be after midnight
When I'd start to walk back home
Long before the rain stopped

And you'd be there
Waiting for me

As if I had never left
As if I deserved nothing
Nothing new
But silence
And a *cold shoulder

Sigh after sigh
Wanting to scream
Wanting to let go
Sigh after sigh
Wanting another life
Wanting to cry
Sigh after sigh
Wanting to leave
Wanting to die
Sigh after sigh
Wanting to dream
Wanting to forget

It's as if I can't remember you.
It's as if you were a dream.
Not in a good way.
But in the fact that I remember you vaguely.
I'm going to be married soon.
I wish I didn't waste my time with you.
Cutting myself, because you caused me unnecessary pain.
But it was all in vain.
Maybe, I tried to get you to understand
That leaving me was wrong.
But I should have left you long before you decided that you wanted us to end
I should have said goodbye
Before you decided that you wanted to quit this fling
                                                                                     of nonsense.
                                                                               this relationship
                                                                                    of infatuation.
                                                                                this fake commitment
                                                                                    of so-called love
                                                                                 which ran off pangs
                                                                                   of emotional distress                    with                                                                            no real sense
                                                                                         of trust
and                                                                            revolved around
                                                                                  selfish feelings
                                                                                         of lust.

The agony is killing me
Does he ever talk about me?
Does he ever think about me?
Does he ever dream about me?
Or has he forgotten about me already?
Does he cringe every-time he remembers me?
And what exactly does he remember?
Has he really forgotten me?
Or does he refuse to remember the time we spent together
In rehab?
And how we made all those promises?

I have no idea
What's going to happen
In the future
Will I have a job?
Or will I have a career?
Will I ever go to college?
Or will I ever be homeless?
Would I buy liqour?
Probably not.
But let's face it.
I'm going to be lonely.
So.. Yeah, I might
Just so I can stop
Thinking so much
And drown my sorrows
In alcohol

Wish I could reach the stars
Take one and give it to him
But I'm not on top of the roof
Wish I could talk about everything
But I'm nervous
I'm afraid
So, I stay silent
I can't even reach for his hand
I wonder what's on his mind
He takes my hand
And I'm just staring into space
Wondering why

I'm 20.
Today.
Well, I'll be 20
At 8:33 pm.
Today.
20 is nice.
For an age.
I can't wait.
To be 20.

6-25-2015

I'm lacking interest
In my life, in my persona
I'm trying to change
Into someone who's more interesting
Into someone who isn't ever lacking
In areas of his or her life
Such as love, fun
And everyday conversations
But I'm failing
To live a life that is acceptable
To vegans, college kids
And overall cool people

I'm dieting
Sleeping a lot
Listening to loud music
Drinking lots of tea
Trying to hang out
With anyone and everyone
Having pointless conversations
Wishing I was high
To get my mind off you
But it's too hard
I don't know what else I can do
I got my undercut back
I'm going to get my gauges back
I'm going to look better
And feel better about myself
To forget you
To move on
I hope you notice me
I hope you dream about me
I hope you wish you missed what we had
Please come back
But until then,
I'll be doing me

I wrote this at rehab last fall.
----------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------

The forests are covered with white snowy icicles
The wind is calling for a storm
The wolf packs are calling for peace
And my heart is calling for a home

8-28-13

Cloudy night
Making my own clouds
I put it down
Making my own winds
Tornadoes turning into mushrooms
They remind me of Hiroshima
My hands go through the metal nets
Why am I here?
No breeze
Just the slight murmer of stories untold
I'm alone in my own thoughts
Remembering the pain I went through
Wanting to get up
Wanting to leave
But I'm surrounded by black lines
Lines made of steel
Too close together
So, here I wait
In my own little world
Half-listening to stories
That will never make it out of here
Stories that no one else will ever here

Sitting out amongst the black sky
Gray smoke swirling like vipers
Their tongues like veins and roots of trees
Every one reaching the dangerous ocean his own way
Hitting the roof and disappearing
Disappearing in the black eternity
The black hole of hope
As well as the drain of dreams
Some of them fly past the roof
Trying to reach farther into the darkness
Into something that doesn't make sense
My ashes just hit the floor
That was my escape
When did it stop being slow motion?

8-30-13

All I see is green
Oak lively green leaves
But in my mind
It's the other green
No, not money
But my escape
The feeling of numbness
The green I have come to love
But no, it's not that green
It's still just the useless green
The green of Mother Nature
Oak brown colored leaves
In my mind's eye
Just oak leaves
I'd rather just stomp on
Let them cover the many avenues
But they are hanging up
Like ornaments on a tree
Tricking me into believing
They have some sort of worth
Some magic
But no,
Just...oak...leaves
All around
Rotting but living

I don't like what I see
I hate seeing it
The sadness
And the dirt
That covers the beauty
Or so they say

I'm one of those clowns
With the teardrops painted on
I was so close to getting them tattooed
I feel *****, I feel used
Like the grime can never wash off

What can I do?
What can I say?
To be a normal teenager once again

What should I say?
How should I act?
For people to never ask me "what's wrong?" again?

Here I am once again
Staring into the bathroom mirror
With tears on my cheeks
And on my lips

Daring them to slide off my chin
And down my arms
Daring them to turn red
Before I do it myself

Please just turn red on your own
Or I will be forced to hurt that ugly girl in the mirror again
That used, rotten little girl
Who put herself in such a situation
She deserves it, doesn't she?

She's trying to make me feel sorry by crying again
As my blade slides across my wrist,
I recall what a selfish rotten girl I was
For turning in a good Christian boy in

9-2-13

I think she's grateful there's people out there like me
Curious, we are, about her

Wondering now we can help her
And her friend, Mother Nature

Instead of covering the ground with cigarette ashes
Dressed as innocent, pretty little flower girls

Choking the green lovely grass
Acting as the reaper
Demanding a death wish on her friend already

Blaming it on stress
Until we see salt and pepper fields

Instead of being the norm, she's grateful
That we don't throw our useless junk into the sea
Drowning all the life there is

Smothering life and having busy schedules
Having schedules too full
To forget about life
No free time with our own sweet little families
Schedules asking too much of
To cast life off to the side
To only worry about ourselves
We only worry about what society thinks of us

And soon, we'll all be robots
Choking the life out of life
And all life will be gone
If not gone already

9-2-13

Maybe, I must turn away
For I am ashamed
"Why?"
Why do you ask?
Well, for one---
She's laughing at me
I can see it in her eyes

But I have my eyes closed
Laying here
How amazing it is to feel the warm asphault
And have the wind at my face
Kissing me
She's blowing kisses to me, my idol

Basking in the warmth
Trying to hear the ants underground
Mirrowing her reflection
As I feel my cheekbones rise

I love how the wind sounds
Ripples float above me
In the big sea of sky

Just the sound of pure Mother Nature
And all I see is a orangish-peachy color
Imagining what the sun looks like
But no doubt, she's looking down on me
And smiling

9-2-13

Man, all this sun
So hot, so bright
I look up and have to turn away

Maybe, because it's unbearable to look at
With it's darling rays
And it's great illuminosity

Maybe, because of it's golden, wide-set eyes
And faux gold full hips
And let's not forget----
It's beautifully-carved upturned corners
Quite a masterpiece

Spinning and smiling
Maybe she's high as well--
Maybe she isn't
Maybe she's just as natural and carefree,
How girls these days should be
Maybe it's because she just ain't like that
Maybe she just has that much self-pride
Or self esteem

So high she is
Because she's flying so high in the sky
But I have to look away
I cannot bear to see her dancing in the breeze
Then, sitting on the clouds
Caressing them as if pillows
I just cannot behold her glory, her nature, her charm

She's whispering to me, sweet melodies
Begging me to join her
And I am about to go
But, right now, I'm dreaming---
Day dreaming

The taste of tobacco lingering on my tongue
My tongue is split and covered in snow
White smoke is escaping my lips
It reminds me of him and his clothes
As well as his chapped soft pink lips
That were caused by waiting in the icy wind

Shaved head
Chipped nail polish
Hang nails
And an upside-down crescent frown

Heavy eyelids
Pale face
Smudged eyeliner
And pigeon-toed feet

Long and tangled hair
Bushy eyebrows
Bloodshot eyes
And shaking fingers

Hair in the way
Laugh lines
Furrowed brows
And a broken heart

Tear-stained letters
An unsaid goodbye
Voices echoing
"Please stay"

Ashes drop
Waterfalls smash
Love finally leaves
And a sadness profoundly falls

She has to clap
To hide her shaking

She has to clench her jaw
To keep her voice from trembling

She has to close her eyes
To keep the room from spinning

She has to grip the wall
To keep herself from moving

She has to bite her tongue
To keep herself from stumbling

She has to blink
To keep from tearing

But most of all
And day by day,
She has to crawl
To keep herself from falling

8-30-13

I raise my hand
I'm begging for help
My veins are like wind chimes
Dangling in the wind
Begging to be let out
To be visible
To make music
Music of the weak
To be vibrant sparklers
To run down steep banks
It's their fantasy to be free

Hated to see that teardrop
That slid down your face that cold day

Loved you from the first moment
My eyes caressed your face

Didn't understand how people
Could be so cruel

That was the day
I vowed I'd never hurt you
Or ever tell you that I loved you

My eyes try to open
But the sun is too bright

I don't want to cry
So I close my eyes

I try to keep it in
To show that I'm strong

It's so hard sometimes
So I squeeze them shut

I open them again
When I hear laughter

I wish I could go outside

But is is too dificult for me

If I could just smile..

But I feel pain
I feel remorse

I feel weak and little

I don't want to time-travel
So I block the images out

I close my eyes

I force them to **shut

Rejected
from society
from family
from church
from the world
Tested
in public
in school
in the household
in life
by God
Viewed as
wierd
church girl
annoying
weak
stupid

I know how hard it is
When you can't look up
To meet peoples' eyes

I know how difficult it is
When you have to force
A smile when you see your friends

I know how irrational it is
To say it's gonna be okay
You just have to wait

But did you ever stop to wonder
How it got this way?

I found one of my long lost poems!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------­----------------------

Like waking up
Like lying down
Like blanking out
Blink, blink, and all I see is darkness
Piercing, but distant
An unknowing, but growing
Yearning to be let out
Thump, thump; what do you want?
Dazed, thump again, steadying
Hitting the floor, shattering
Glass everywhere
Footsteps; when will they stop? hushed voices
Echoing, illusions; what just happened?
Thump, thump, thump
I can hear your heart
Burdens, regrets, mistakes
Everything runs together
I follow along, and then....no more

I found this, a poem I wrote long ago.. I think I wrote it on 8-28-11
---------------------------------------------------------­----------------------------------------
It is awkward, a fazed condition
A blind vision like the sun shining in your eyes
So luminiscent, forcing your eyes to close and stay shut
Sour like the glares from strangers
Stings like a wasp, hurts for a while
Numbness, lost, Don't know the way, blindfolded
Laying awake on many restless nights
Always questioning, mind getting more cloudy
No light shining in, pitch black
Alone in the darkness, silence
Paralyzed, unable to accomplish anything
Enclosed by all fears, no hope

Nadamas quiero dejar de pensar en las cosas
Cosas que no deben de formar
Cosas que no quiero que sean realidad
Ay las tantas veces..
Que las e pensado
Cada noche cuando estoy sola
Las noches que lloraba
Por pensar en ti
Y todo lo que ha pasado
Como me siento
Que no puedo
Cambiar el pasado ni la situacion

Como te puedo olvidar
Si te tengo en mis pensamientos
Cada noche antes que cierro los ojos
Tus palabras en mis orejas
Como sí me estabas hablando
Por la primera vez

Como te puedo dejar
Si me robaste el corazón
Es como mi cuerpo me esta diciendo
Algo no es normal
Te falta algo muy especial

The light hits my lids
Telling me to be happy
Almost tricking me into thinking that I could be
If I just wanted to
If only it was that easy

Not even the real sun
My house is dark  
My kitchen light is on
And it's barely 1 am

My emotions match the atmosphere outside
My head is laying on the counter
My hands and arms are covering my eyes
Someone please turn off the light

Everytime I pick up my phone
My eyes blur
Because just a click away
I can go back to those messages

It's happening all over again
How you cut me deeper
Than any cut I did to myself
To try to forget the pain

The pain you caused me
Before you even said those things
But now,
It's like you cut me off life support

And at the end of the day
The hospital is where I'll end

They felt cold against the warm
Water droplets that bled
Down the curves of her body
And into the deep creases
She had marked into herself
Like tattoos acting as record logs
The number of times
She felt she was worthless
The times she had wanted to disappear
Into those ****** trenches
Each tear hurt her more
Than the one before

My skin is raw
My flesh is burning
It's my own
Secret that the world is kept from
And when I heal
They wouldn't know the difference
Because summer is coming
And winter is almost gone
Like you yourself
But it will always be icy
Here in my heart
I never suspected I'd do it for you

3-6-13

Prose..?
------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------------------------

As I stared past a man who walked by,
I wondered if anything is ever meant to be;
Why people are always leaving.

I shifted in the chair as I looked
At the clock
On the far back wall.

I thumbed through the pages of the book
I carried in my hands
I had no intention of ever reading.

I wondered why my life had no meaning
As I peeled off the skin
That was around my chipped nails.

I let out a small sigh
As I straightened
My hurting back.

I crossed my legs
And pushed aside my mangled thoughts
And closed my eyes
And inhaled slowly.
"In another life"

3-6-13
This is more like prose...
--------------------------------------------------------­-------------------------------------------------------------

Ro­lling the ballpoint pen between my fingers
Careful not to drop it
But there it goes again
As I'm far away in my own thoughts

My only escape
But I never picked it up again
Because he told me to throw it away
I would have picked it up again
My treasure, my everything

I became consumed and I hadn't noticed it was laying on the floor
For years
My thoughts were no longer my own
And the house was put up for sale

He died and I wept for months
I had nothing from him
I dreamed of the past..

I bought the house
Full of memories
Of when I spent every waking moment
Smelling the beautiful hardwood floors
And the fresh honeysuckles I'd taste in the spring
And my dad's musky scent.
It was all there.

I saw an ordinary pen on the floor
Then, I saw its faint designs.
And suddenly regretted forgetting to pick it up

It was the part of me that made me one of a kind
Like the design on it that made it different than any other pens
I laid eyes on.

I instantly felt lonely again
And wondered why he left so early.

3-6-13

Here, alone
Outside, danger lurking
Inside, safe but uncomfortable
There, not understood
And alone.

Tension on both ends
Pressure the outcome of both decisions
Like a seesaw
Never steady
Only shaking
Like a tealight
Flickering amongst the darkness
One more huff
and I'm nonexistent
Blending into the darkness

11-22-12
Prose?
-------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------------------------------------­----

Running water
Covering myself
Holding myself
Tighter
Maybe I can forget everything this way
Just maybe I can move past everything
Submerging into the one place I might be able to forget
I can barely hear you now
Your accusations, insults, anything about me
At least with this, I can feel something
Something to get my mind off your bickering
I don't want to argue
That's why I block you out
It's euphoria, but then, I forget I can't stay underwater for so long
But having that option makes me feel good
It's like all I have to do is push a button
Who are you?
You're just a small frequency out there somewhere
Now, I can relax again
Just blocking all my surroundings makes me believe
To believe that I can be free

2-19-12

Bright glares hitting your skin
Smooth and caramel
Made me think of the beach
And how easy it was to give in

12-14-12

What makes us think the way we do?
Why do we care about certain things?
Why do our hearts break?
Why do we trick outselves into being stronger?
Why don't we stop?
Why don't we slow down?
Why do we ignore wet faces?
Why do we pretend we're ignorant?
Why do we rush past others?
Why do we hurry past humans?
Why do we walk past ourselves?

1-2-13

You acting like you got it all
But you know, I saw you the other day
Your eyes all searching for something invisible
Looking like you about to lose your grip on life

You walking with you head high
Your smile bigger than the moon
And your eyes brighter than the sun
But you know what, I saw you as if you were broken glass that day

And of course, I was scared to walk up to you
With all those pieces of you on the ground
Those shards of glass everywhere

But I couldn't believe it was you
I couldn't believe that the same person I saw that day was you

Last time I checked your name was pride
But you were now on the steps
All shattered, with the label Chaos

Same body but different person
Different character but same thoughts
Were you dropped or did you fall?
Did you deteriorate or were you knocked over?

12-17-12

Lost at words
But keeping my dignity
I walk past you
And all the other onlookers

I saw how you changed
But it's your life
But once you started to pierce me
I just knew I had to let go

Your eyes follow me
And we both know I can feel it
But do I care?
Well, let's just say, I'm keeping my dignity

You're trying to make me feel sorry but it wasn't my choice
Now, I'm not letting go of my dream
You're not bringing me down
Nor am I stopping for you

What happened to YOUR dignity?
Why are you trying to take mine?
You let it wash down the drain
And you're the (only) one to blame

Every action means I'm farther from you
Every walk is a stride
I can feel the ***** loosening
And no longer, your eyes

1-17-12

As I sat there motionless
I watched the colors of the leaves change
From green, to red, to dead and still
From alive and striking to black and spotted

Night after night
I'd sit in the corner
Wishing it'd finally be daylight

Hour after hour
I'd stay silent
Wishing it could be that time when the colors change already

Month after month
Cars' headlights shine through the windows
And I stayed there, crying in a corner

Little did I know
The leaves ripened
And my mother came to tell me

She cried and apologized
But I asked her like I always did
"Are the leaves changing colors yet?"

And she finally answered me after all those years
The answer I was waiting to hear
"Yes...they are really beautiful this year"

I stared and stared
Tears streaming down my face
As I realized I was blind

12-12-12

I knew the past before me
And the night I let it go
I remembered being afraid
But the next day, I had more strength

The following months ahead
were the most difficult to walk by
I had to remind myself that I was no longer chained
but as a new person breathing new air
Living as a freed slave that was no longer enclosed by a square piece of land
That was all I'd ever know(n)

1-19-13

My eyes bleed clear
I cannot see
It's a blur
I am running in my mind
Hesitation in my feet
I have to decide
But I can't
All I can do is cry
Tears that have built up over time
That were never meant to form

12-14-12

I was in the tree
Not because I wanted to be a bird
I just wanted to be me
And that's who I was
If I wanted to be a bird
I would be with the others
Not alone, up in a bare tree