I forgive you.

   This isn't a poem to my old friends
Who stabbed me in the back when I told them the truth.
   This isn't a poem about the boy down the street
Who took my might and makes me quiet.
   This isn't a poem to the girl
Who I trusted too hard and couldn't talk back to.
   This isn't a poem to my now best friend,
Who leaned on me too hard, and who I hurt so badly.
   This isn't a poem to the guy I'm in love with,
Who was hurt when I told him about the past, way too late.
   This isn't a poem to my mom,
Who doesn't believe in who I am, and who is going to be hurt when I tell her I'm trans.

This is a poem to me.

I forgive you.

He stands at the precipice of their design,
Losing something in the night air.
The edge by which he stands is still and cold.

My ribcage hurts but I don’t want to admit it.
It just feels so nice.
To have a flat chest.
To be a boy.

It's nights like that,
When everything's quiet,
   Everything's still
When I really wish
   I had something to pray to.
I grew up without God,
With a capital G,
I can't bring myself to believe.
But it's nights like that,
I honestly wish,
   That I had something to pray to.

You're lovely, you're lonely
In the crowds, everything passes
Way too quickly.

Dance in the world's
Big Baby Blue Eyes,
It stings, but you're alive.

Cigarettes and condoms,
Blocked-off bridges,
Climbing the fence.

Silence surrounds you,
Ears ringing, **** everything,
It's lost, but you're alive.

Headlights blind you,
But this feels like where
You're meant to be.

****, it stings,
But I'm not lying,
I swear that you're alive.

Tonight my parents were out of town.
I didn't have a party,
I didn't do drugs,
I made soup and washed dishes,
My brother went to bed.
I headed upstairs,
My parents' door was unlocked,
And I just,
walked in.
I don't know what I was looking for,
I just was looking,
I knew I shouldn't,
But if there was anything that could tell me,
Anything I could learn,
About them,
Any way to be closer.

I found old love notes in a box
Hidden under my dad's socks,
And the box my brother used to propose
To the woman who broke his heart.

I found old photos,
Ones I hadn't seen in years,
I wished I could be their kid again,
It was so much easier then.

I knew I should go, but I found something else,
A necklace in a gold paper case,
I put it on, and it felt like my mom.
Sturdy, and heavy, but elegant, and beautiful.

I left everything as it was found,
I never meant to invade,
But there's too much privacy,
Too many things unsaid.
I guess I just wanted to know.

i could never go to war.
i could never shoot, or help someone who will.
those soldiers on the other side, are just like me.
their mothers cry, i can almost hear it.
their best friend will never hear their laugh.
their room lay empty, an unused bed,
dust-covered books they never read.
young men go off, **** other young men.
if you're very lucky, you'll see your son again.
i could never go to war.
my grandfather narrowly avoided the draft,
he was a teacher.
his high school friend got expelled,
and within a week,
he was dead.
his mother cried.
he was nothing but a name on a plaque,
and barely that.
i could never go to war.