And you're just going back and forth, back and forth;
nothing more than a girl looking for that star in the north.
And you're not really sure where your loyalty lies anymore;
nothing more than a girl who goes where she thinks that she won't be poor.

His fingers play the bass,
Just like I wish they would
Rustle through my hair.
His eyes look up at me,
And I look down in despair.
He must know that I like him,
He looks back at me as if so.
I wish I could go up to him,
And say a simple "hello".

i find it beautiful to be
made out of the universe.
atom by atom,
electron by proton,
we are the stars.
we are the
mysteries
within
us.

and I said, "let me explore all of you. I want my hands to caress your mountains and I wish to dive deep down into your oceans below. I know this time I will not make the mistake of drowning. I will swim throughout your whole body, and I will dance along your spine. I will catch a ride on your blood pallets and I will learn each crevice that makes up the pattern of your fingertips. I will know what makes your soul so light, and I will kiss your mind with my lips. You will no longer fear something so beautiful and pure, and you will inhale something far more enticing than the scent of my skin. You will exhale your deepest desires, and you will breathe me in and ******* caramel skin. You will know ecstasy from the way your mind shines when you are around me, as mine does around you. When did beauty become something far more than a physical feature? When did it become something you could live? You live beautifully, and I am ever so grateful for you heart."

I told you everything: every single feeling and every single thought I've had since you left. From the ways I miss you to the times I tried to hate you, but as you know, they all end with me saying *"I love you".

every time i see you, i feel as if i can take on the whole world.
you make my insides burst with the flitters of butterflies
and you make my smile touch the edge of space and
my laugh bubbles in the entirety of the air
surrounding us.

because of you, i feel hope rise in my chest.
you're like a whole new universe that i get to explore.
my fingertips caress the blackholes and supernovas you possess
and your eyes are a new experience in themselves,
like wormholes ready to take you to a far-away galaxy
every single time you look into them.

your hands are foreigners to my body.
they know not were to start or to end,
but they still are.
they know what to do as if they were programmed to
feel the vibrations on the soft skin of my back and
the tenderness i have everywhere around.

you could give me a million new words
and i'd spend countless hours trying to decipher them
with this newfound knowledge that you have given me.
how much do you know in that beautiful mind of yours?
how many brain cells do you possess,
you beautiful, intangible being?

your words keep me strong,
they keep me alive.
my heart beats stronger because of you, too.
every single fiber of my being feels stronger and healthier
and more in love with every cell that i possess.
because of you, i feel more alive than i ever have.

your touch is still so soft even with your resilient hands.
your eyes are like the eighth wonder of the world.
they soften my heart with the dips i take into their deep blue
oceans and the sea-foam green splashing inside of them.
and your lips could speak a thousand incoherent words and
i'd still smile because they were coming from your beautiful mouth.

because of you, i am falling in love with myself.
i'm not sure that i've ever done that before.
but i know this feeling inside of my chest and
while i am infatuated with you,
i am falling in love with me.
and that's more than i could ever hope for.

so thank you, my dear, for being this unknown universe that i
get to explore and for being someone who can help me
fall in love with myself.

I was trying my best to explain
just how I've been feeling lately.
It is confusing to feel that
you want to be alone,
because around others
you feel lonely.
And feeling lonely
is less than desirable.
So how do I cure this
type of loneliness?
Do I just work through it
and try my best to ignore the feeling
of being lonely?
Or do I allow myself to spend time
in solitude and to figure out
exactly who I am without all of the
parts of you attached?
I'm not sure what to do.
But I guess I'll just keep going with the tides,
they seem to know the way better than
I do.

When you think about it, no one’s beliefs sound any more ridiculous than anyone else’s.

"Be mine?"
I asked,
You cringed in
Fear.

"Why not?"
I dared,
"Tell me?"
I quivered.

You sighed,
Looked at me
And said,
"Shh,
         I'm
              Not
                    Worth
                               Your
                                       Love."

I feel like I would betray him
if I were to cut again.
I just hate that it took for
someone to die for me to
stop cutting and realize
that the world shouldn't
romanticize sadness.

*(not that I ever did but
I did have quite the
love affair with
death my friends)

I'm a big girl

          I


Can take care of myself.

I love when we argue over the
Silly things.
Like
Tickling and
Who is going to be the
Big spoon or the
Little spoon.

I'm always the big spoon and
You tickle so
Sweetly.

I hope this lasts forever.

What comes to mind when i
hear the word bitter
is you.

You are bitter.
Not even bittersweet.
Just bitter.
The way I love you and
The way you don't even notice me.
The way I get so excited to see you
and how you push me out of the way.

You are bitter.
*So bitter.

she keeps saying I'm beautiful
but

I don't believe her.

I believe my proana friends.
they understand.

Black is the absence of color
And black is me.
Not literally, but
My soul is
Nonexistent because
It's black.
And black is the
Absense of color.

Black holes aren't always in space, sometimes they are in our own hearts, and they sure as hell are more dangerous there than in the middle of our galaxy.

Why am I hurting when I've obviously
Been blessed.
Can someone make me strong?
Because I seem to be so
weak and upset.

and even during these hard times, i need to remember to thank God for my blessings and for my life.

if my erythrocytes change every 120 days, then I wonder if the process would be faster by opening up a vein or two, so I can get rid of some of the red blood cells instead of waiting for them to change.

"It's kinda scary...you're like a pro at this. Do you not mind blood? A lot of it is coming out..."
"No, I don't mind it at all. It's kind of relaxing, if I'm being honest here."
"Sure hope you're not one of those that think that horizontal is for attention and vertical is for results."
*"Used to."

My scars are quite visible today.
So is my main artery.
It scares me that I constantly wonder
What it would be like to
Push a blade far enough
To the point of no return.
Would they be able to save me?
Would I even let them do so?
Why would I want this?
I am not sure, to be honest.
I shouldn't do self-diagnosis but
I honestly believe I am quite crazy.
I believe I have social anxiety and
seasonal depression as well as
PTSD.

Maybe I should go get a checkup
Before I end up making my
****** dream come true.

I don't wanna feel blue anymore.

I can't seem to wait
It's sick I know
I'm so excited
To have the body that my mind
Wants to know.

I want to see bones
Not my rib cage
But more!
Oh joy,
The hip bones,
Collarbones,
And muscles galore!

I want to be strong
So nobody can tell me wrong
I want to be the best
To have a body that I seem to long.

This tale may sound weird
But at least I know what I want.
One day I'll have a body
That won't jiggle, but one that I can flaunt.

I keep remembering the day I told you
About what happened to me.
I caught you before you left to go workout
After class and I smiled at you.
You smiled back, asked me, "What's up?"
And cocked your head to the side to
Send me back that boyish smile of
Yours my way.

I stepped closer (into the vicinity of your enticing cologne)
And I said, "I have an issue."
You looked into my eyes deeply and stepped closer,
Not knowing that you might need the extra room
Between us for later. Your voice dropped from
A carefree tone to a profound tone in which
You only knew to take because of what you
felt in the air between us.

You asked, "Is it boy issues?" And you looked at me
So intensely that I knew I just couldn't bear to
Say it anymore.

I tried to laugh it off, I backed up a bit and
I started for the door. I said back, "Yeah,
It's something like that." And I said goodbye.
I could hear it in your voice as you
Told me 'goodbye' that you
Wanted to listen, but you just
Weren't so sure of
How to say
It.

Your face looks
Much like
A new blossom.
Everyday, you get
Brighter.

tell me that these lips don't burn your skin and that your breath isn't as hot as fire on my neck

I was hoping for a 'hello'
But instead I got a
Goodbye.

And to you, I deserve nothing.
Why must my past mistakes dictate whether or not I deserve happiness?
I have grown exponentially...
I am inches, feet, and yards taller than the person I once was.
You are only able to see through the camera lens you lug around
and it's hurting your vision, oh how it's ruining your perception of all the good around you.
I am sorry for how I hurt you, and I'll carry around the weight of my mistakes forever.
But as long as I have God by my side, I know I am forgiven, and I know that I am worthy.
Do what you please, but please don't bring me down with you.

I've kissed girls
In my head
Many times.
Never in real life but
In my head, yeah.
They're usually a model or a friend like
Cara Delevingne or
Skylar.
But well,
It'll never happen because
Eh,
I'm crazy.

I think I have more of a chance with
Cara though personally.
I'll just make out with someone else
Until then.

I remember when it started.
She was always so terrible towards me, a horrible friend.
But I stayed because I had no one else.
And she understood, she cared.
And every time I went by her house
she would scold me for eating.
She was skinny
And I was... Me.
And if I wanted to be pretty,
Then I had to be like her.
I had to let my hair fall out,
And let my body temperature drop,
And I had to count calories,
Because if I didn't,
Then nobody would ever love me.
I remember her like it was yesterday.
I had a crush on her abusive brother,
Because I thought it was cute that when I said "No"
He would always say, "oh come on, you know you love the attention."
I didn't understand then that I would carry this,
That every time things get hard,
I restrict and I don't let myself eat.
It's a way for me to feel control I guess,
Because I always did love control.
I just never had any.
I'm trying my best to overcome this,
But it's so hard.
If eating didn't make me sick,
Then maybe I could.
But I just can't stop thinking about
the way she would yell at me
and tell me all of those horrible things,
Even when I begged and pleaded for her to stop.
I realize now that she was not a friend,
She was a demon in a girls body.

Will you control this power, or will you let it control *you?

I remember the day my dad left.
He didnt just
Cheat
On my mom
He cheated us too.
2 young daughters,
A son that wasn't his but
We thought he cared for.
A beautiful wife,
Loving,
Caring.

I guess that's what happens
When you're truley not
Enough.

now its his birds that wake me up in the morning

I'm having a hard time figuring out what is right
and what it wrong
because you and I are not necessarily wrong
but we aren't all that right either.
and I'm not sure whether or not I should give you up
before we even have the chance to try,
or if I should try because we both want to be together
and soon enough,
we can be.

they (mom and sister) asked me
if i was starving myself
but when they did
they smiled and
sort of giggled and
from that moment
on, i realized that
they really just
dont care about
me one
bit.

And she's a wild thing:
Smoking and drinking and
Doing every guy on the block.
But she's also a human:
She loves and needs and breathes
And she cries when her
Heart is being broken
a p    a   r           t

And she knows me:
A girl who cries and dies,
A girl who loves and needs,
A girl who wants more but
believes she deserves less.

She knows I'm better than that,
Just like I know she's worth so much more than
Those gross guys on the corner of the street and
The tears she cries because of them.

Maybe one day we'll both learn that
heartbreak is just an instrument that
never goes out of tune
and that our hearts will never truly
heal unless we stop giving it to so many others
and start giving it to ourselves.
After all, if we keep our hearts
they can't ever really be broken,
right?

Collarbones,
Ah, yes.
Collarbones.
Say it.
It's nice,
Even fun
To say.

They're fun
To trace.
The skin on top
Should go in
Slightly,
I think.
They should show,
For everyone to see.

I wish mine would.

I hiked today.
And I mean I
actually climbed the
Rockies today.
It was so refreshing and
beautiful.
It was different.
I think I like it
here.

i used to try and
make my own arkwork but
everytime i did
i ended up with cut up skin and
tarnished hair clippings.
now i just
color in the lines of a
childrens book
and hope that
the bad thoughts
leave me
alone.

Colors are all I see.
I think of him and cannot close my eyes
without seeing his outstanding smile.
I hear his infectious laugh in the wind.
The jokes he made were always so funny...
I see his brightness in the Sun out my window.
The moon reminds me of him as well.
All of the colors in the world just
remind me of him and his beauty.
His life brought joy to those around him.
I miss him already.
I miss his laid back attitude.
I miss his goofy smile.
I miss his kind eyes.
I really miss his sarcasm.
Even though I did not know his favorite color,
I know that I see him in ALL of the colors
that exist in this world.

Even the ones I cannot see.
I miss you Juan, rest in peace.

i associated you with the colors of the earth,
but all you are is the color of a blackhole.

i thought you were filled with light,
but i guess i was wrong.

you're just a dark hole that
***** all the light from
everything and everyone else
until its all gone inside of
you.

won't you ever learn?
killing others won't
make you able to
breathe any
easier.

it'll just make more space,
until you're left all alone
with the memories of the
people's lights you've
stolen.