i screamed "come home! just come home!"
into the void and
all that has happened is
the darkness creeping back into my life and
taking me into its sweet arms
while i wait.

it is important to let the person whom you
wish to give your affection to know that
they are the one you dream about at night and
only wish to show your desires to.
the way I communicate is through my body,
for all of my touches and the sway if my hips mean
more than your mind could ever imagine.
if you think about it, you'll realize that
the smoothness of my fingertips as they
caress your bare chest means that I
want to feel what your gorgeous heartbeat
has to say to me whenever I touch you.
you must know what my kisses mean by now,
for you blush every time I give you one.
and my eyes? while they may not physically touch you,
they do their best to connect with each and every part of you,
including your mind. they wish to let every single crevice of you know
that I am here, and that I wish to feel you in ways you could never
imagine.

I know I have a way with words, but
sometimes it's just best to leave it up to my body and touches to
show you the rest.

I'm not ready to confess,
I want to stay in my hole
forever
And be safe from
You.

My mom is sick.
as usual
But, I took a moment
to tell her hello and
get her some water.
We talked for a moment
but she stopped and saw
a trailer on the TV of two
girls kissing and put on a
look of disgust on her face.
I became silent with fear and
an overwhelming shame ran through me.

What if she knew? What if she knew that I am in love with the girl of my dreams? That I wish to hold her in my arms forever and to kiss away her pain for the rest of my life? That I have fallen for a girl whom she trusts?

I now sit in my room contemplating why God would have made me gay if my own parents would end up hating me?

and through waves, others in the universe will hear us.

Is it your friend again?
I couldn't look at him for fear he would know that you weren't a friend, you were so much more. But I just shrugged and kept looking down.
Are you stressed?
Oh yes, everything stresses me now. Eating, sleeping, even homework that is so easy makes no sense to me now. I've skipped every possible class I could in the past few weeks, maybe that's why I'm starting to fail a few.
Do you want to talk about it?
I look up and say "No, not really." And he sighed. Why can't I just admit it?
I know what will make you happy!
He smiles as he pulls out some college books and statistics. UC Berkeley and MIT are among them, waiting for me in the palms of his hands.
Very slim, but you're incredibly smart and incredibly weird. I know you could get into Berkeley if you tried!
Maybe, but there is a 35% chance of me getting into there, and a 10% chance of me getting into MIT. My odds are so slim...
Well I'll just leave you to looking. We can look at other schools with the major you would like to go into, okay?
Yes, okay, sounds fine.
The clock ticks away,
And I miss yet another test,
And another panic attack,
And another chance to scream what I've been wanting to for awhile.
Looks like the bell is about to ring, do you need anything? I can help you go to wherever you need to go.*
I'm not even sure where I'm going anymore.
I just know I want to draw rainroad tracks across my wrist and to feel my ribs once again.

My friend asked me
"What would you have done if she'd gone?"
I sighed, played with my food for a second, and then sighed again.
"Rachel, what would you have done? Would you **** yourself as well?"
I looked up at her from my plate and the tears started flowing.
"I don't think I'd be able to live anymore, with that guilt, with the pain. I feel like life wouldn't go on without her here."

She sighed and told me she wouldn't have the guts to do the same.
I told her I think I wouldn't have the courage at first, but then I'd
Live with the pain too long and
Finally just *crack.

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere"*
This is what he tells me
He says that we need equality in our world
But this is the same man who is against homosexuals
And I honestly believe he is a hypocrite.
The words he says behind these are beautiful but
That doesn't give him the right to
Say something he doesn't
Mean.

ive seen the pictures and gifs of
when people go to far when
cutting.
and honestly, i get
so scared.
to think that people can just
open themselves up and
let blood pour and
spill and not have a
second thought about it
because they are just trying to
let their demons out.

but then i remind myself that
i do the same and that i
could end up on the
bathroom floor if i
dont be careful and
end this addiction
i have.

For some reason,
I'm okay with it I guess.
You loving him and
Me loving you.
It'll always be a cycle
That I can't win.

"are you okay? is everything alright, luv? you look so sad, what happened?"
i told you everything as i cried and you sat and let me sob my way through the story. you listened intently and did not interrupt as i poured my shattered heart onto the table once again. once i finally took a break to let myself breathe, i looked up at you and realized you were smiling.
"what?" i said, completely baffled at how you could smile while I'm a completely wreck.
"you're just so strong, can't you realize that? i know you're hurting right now and you probably do not feel strong whatsoever, but darling, you are one of the strongest people i know."*
you gave me some tips on how to feel better (and thank GOD you didn't tell me you were right about this boy, because as per usual, you were) and you sent me links to simulation games online so we could talk and calm me down.

I'm just so grateful for him, i really truly am.

You make me smile so much it hurts.

I miss you Dad.
I guess I'm lucky;
At least I have a
Dad.
But do I?
You send me money,
Expecting that
It's all I need.
But when I check the mail,
I don't want to see
Money;
I want to see
you.

What if
Dad knew that
I want to die?
Would he want to come
Visit me?
What if
Dad knew that
I might be Bi?
He'd probably slap
The gay right off of me.

daddy's little girl
yeah right.
daddy can barely call his
little girl back.
she's desperate for him too.
guess he has better things to do.
or even better,
another family with
more important kids than
you.

god, I have daddy issues
don't I?

Happy birthday to me
In a hotel room all alone
The demons in my head need
Something sharp so
Take me home.

You write about him like
You know him so well.
Like you've seen the way his
Hands cupped my ******* and
How he said he came when he
Did those things to me.
If you want that,
That's fine.
It's alright.
I'm just warning you,
It's not as fun as it seems it
Should be.

Hey,
Remember when we
Laid in bed and
Told each other secrets?
When you told me that
You felt like you didn't want to
Be with her anymore because
Y'all barely talked.
Do you remember when
I gave you his number?
In my mind it was hope and
In yours, well,
I'm not sure.
Do you remember when we
Laughed so hard we cried?
We do that a lot but
I cry all the time.
Do you remember when we
Made a pact?
Not just one but two?
I'm so sorry,
That should've never happened.

My aunt just told me
"Oh Rachel, you're so skinny!"
I'm smiled innocently,
Said 'thank you'
And sat down.
She asked what I was doing
I told her working out
She asked how much I lost
I told her I didn't know.

Now that I've stepped on the scale
I've noticed I've lost nothing
But my confidence.

All I've lost is control
And whatever I
Used to like
Makes me heave
Until my throat burns.

**** you society,
**** you.

Her tongue dances on my spine
and sweat glitters in the moonlight
and she lets me feel the sway of her hips
as she dances along my body.

Her fingers danced
Along my ribcage
As she told me why
I must be having pains
In my chest.

Her fingers danced
On my *******
As she cupped them sweetly
And nuzzled between them like
She's always belonged there.

Her fingers danced
Down my spine
As she counted the freckles
On my back and made constellations
Out of them.

Her fingers danced
In my hair
As she grabbed close to my
Scalp and pulled where she knows I'll
Respond with "Ohhh".

Her fingers danced
Down between my thighs
Floating above the ocean below and
Diving in to explore her sea.

Her fingers danced
Around my neck as her
Hands cupped my face and
Kissed my lips gently but
With a fire that only I could
Recognize.

Her fingers danced
As they intertwined with mine
Because what is more intimate than
The innocence of hand holding
With a promise of forever
Imbedded in our fingertips?

I can't see,
Darkness is the brim of my
Soul.

Light
seems as if it
only wants to kiss the ground
and scare all the other
stars away from
what could be.

Darkness
creeps into the souls
of the "unworthy" and the
"demented" but in reality
they are just souls
who need the Light.

But Light
seems selfish
and much like a loner.
She out shines all others
and says she is Queen.

But Darkness
is the King.
He is kind and gentle
and swift and loving--
He gives hope to those who
give back to others
and lets others
shine as well.

Day
you are Queen
but Night
is King.

And it would seem that
you cannot decide who
would win this war
between the two
of you unworthy
contestants.

i hate all these highs and lows,
why can't i just be
high on
you?

Oh, oh
how you have saved the one I love
Through your words
Your songs
Your everlasting love
For those around you
And even after you.
Today I wish to celebrate you
Because your life is something
So special
That even I cannot
Seem to understand.
Please, keep my baby girl
Safe, oh
How she loves you so.
And oh,
How I love her.

she always knew i had a hard time with keeping one,
whether it was because i was scared my parents would check it again
or maybe i just was too afraid of what i would say...or lack thereof.
but, oh dear journal, maybe i was just too afraid to write about how sad i was.
i was so depressed... i still am, not just about her, but i guess because of nothing and everything. as soon as she left, i picked up one of the many ones i bought while i was with her and i wrote. and i wrote and wrote about how much it hurt and how much pain i felt. i didn't cry...well, at least not until i got to the last page. i had written so many pages by the time i was done, i was so surprised that i actually had that much to say about it all.
i thought that after everything had happened, maybe by the time this journal would be filled up that things would be better. oh, dear journal i couldn't have been more wrong. things have taken such a turn for the worst in the last couple of months and of course i wouldn't have the guts to do anything about it. i can never fight back, i can never say no.
when you lose someone that you love, it kind of ruins your own perception of yourself and your ex significant other. the one person you could trust, not just with you and your feelings, but your whole self, and they leave you just like you meant nothing to them.
and while my brain loves to remind me of how my dad did the same and how she did it and how I've had many friends who have done it to me, i never for a second believed that i'd have to endure such a pain.
but, i think I'm learning.
i think I'm learning to fight, and to say no, and to stop thinking about you all the time. my mind loves to wander, but the second it does, i pick up a new book or i take off the shirt that smells like you or i go and learn a new word in Greek.
anyways, i read the pages. i read the pages i wrote and then i threw them away. i made a promise to never let someone treat me that way, i never want to be someone who anybody can easily leave ever again. and you may protest, "No, it wasn't easy, not one bit." And I believe you, because thats what they all say. they say they cry and they worry about how I'm doing and wonder about me, hell, maybe sometimes they visit me and send me birthday cards. but, i know that once the crying and worrying is over, i don't matter a single bit anymore.
i threw the pages away so i could feel something other than the pain and emptiness i had known for the last couple of months. i thought maybe if i threw them away then i could move on a bit easier, and start learning to love myself again, because i had started to forget.
but... thats not how it always works. it'll take me awhile to learn how to sleep again, hence the reason I'm still awake at 3:30 writing this entry.
it'll also take awhile to get used to this feeling. like you're so close yet so far away. but i should, after all, once you're gone... i don't think ill have you forever. as much as i loved the idea of a forever with you, i know it will never be, especially in the way i had dreamt it would be.
forever is such a special, yet inconceivable thought that rarely ever happens. i need to stop and remember i have a now to live. i know that was part of the issue, and I'm sorry that it took so long to figure that out. i wish i could've been what you needed...who you needed.
but in all of this, i think I'm learning that i just need myself.
i need to learn how to be alone, because i especially cannot be dependent on someone who is so far away. i can't allow myself to be anymore, its hurts too much.
and i know you like to say you're independent, and yes...in some ways you are, but in most? well, i guess ill leave you to figure that one out for yourself. I've had enough time to come to a conclusion, maybe one day you will too.
so, my dear journal, i love her. i always will. i remember writing "I've never met someone who could take my heart and burn it with their eyes as if I had never seen a fire before which is true, I had never been burned by another person before because how could I possibly let someone inside of me like that?" I let you inside, and i still continue to do so. ill always remember the way you made me feel like i could do anything, and how hopeful you made me about not just my future, but ours. and ill always remember your sweet kisses and the way your laugh sounds at 2am. ill always remember how beautiful you made me feel and how you still do, even to this day. i know ill always remember the way you said "I love you" and the way you made "forever" sound like a promise you'd never break...i just know ill always remember you.
i should sleep, but i just wanted to say that i know things will get better. you just have to stay alive to see.
sweet dreams, (as per usual).

I um, I haven't really had much of a conversation with you.
Like, a real one. You know, the ones about how the air smells
in spring or how the stars look at night.
But, I keep having this dream where I tell you
that I've always thought that it was my fault.
That I deserved what happened to me.
And to be honest, you are the only person who
makes me feel like it wasn't.
So, thank you.

I want to thank you for saving me.
At first, I hated you because you had to be the one who
brought me to the counselor that day. I was so hell-bent on
wanting to die, that I completely forgot my reasons to live
even though their hands were guiding me to the
front office.

Thank you for being there for me when no one else was.
For asking that oblivious question, "Is it boy issues?" that day in Math class.
For staying with me no matter what.
For being my friend.
For... caring about me.

Michael, thank you.
Thank you so much for everything you are
and everything you ever will be.
I want to wish you the best on your engagement
and I really do hope you live a long and prosperious life with your significant other.

I love you, I really do.

"There's flowers growing outside, love."
                                                                    *"But I'm inside and I am dying"

What if I died
Tonight?

you feel like that one place in the woods that you can just be yourself in, the one place that you can just stay in forever and never get tired of because you can see everything so clearly and you can breathe better?
those colors, the beautifully deep earth tones...the sweet chocolate browns and the bright mustard yellows of the leaves and the enchanting greens of the trees surrounding me amidst the openness of the forest.
that is you, this is who you are to me.

i heard it in his voice,
desperation was
seeping from his lungs
through the phone that night.
he wouldn't let me off because
he thought i was going to do it.
i kept trying to reassure him that i was okay
and that i was talking about myself over the
past few weeks and months, not in that
exact moment.

alas, he didn't let me sleep alone that night.
i could hear the desperation in his voice as he
begged me to stay because things will be better one day
and i know they will be, but its just so hard to see sometimes.
i could hear the desperation in his voice as he gave me more reasons
to live as quickly as he could, because i could feel how afraid he was.

he is wonderful, and i am grateful for him everyday.
i don't want him to have desperation in his voice ever again when it
comes to me, because its not fair to him that he has to worry about
someone so broken.

i just want him to be happy, and i want to be there when he is.

I stand here at
The stove
I'm making your dinner but
All I can think about is
The loud whisper of death
Howling in my ears.
It's drumming through my brain
And
Screaming at my soul
die, just die already
I sigh
Knowing that it's right.

Why don't I just die already?

my parents said yes to you coming and
staying in our home here because
you would like to take me to a
dance this year.

they said "they won't do anything,
because we'll make her sleep in
her mothers room."
but then they said nevermind because
they know they can trust me.

"you can see it in her eyes, all she wants is kisses.
she's made it very clear what she wants and
what she doesn't," my aunt said, thank god.

and now all i can think about is
us sleeping in rooms right by each other but
not being able to hold one another but
somehow finding a way to make it
be possible at 2 in the morning when
nobody is awake.

god, i miss you.

i just want to hold you, to know what I'm feeling is true.

Just like time and gravity can cross all of the dimensions, *so can love.

I know that when
You see the
Grade I made on
The test you spent your
Time helping me with
You'll be so
*Disappointed.

The world needs
a man like
The Doctor.
Doctor Who,
Or
∂³∑x²
(His real name)
I just wish
I had him
So
He could help me when I
Needed him.

I have faith that
The Doctor might
Come and save me
Now.

If only he were
Real.

When a good thing goes bad it's not the end of the world
It's just the end of a world, that you had with one girl
And she's the reason it happened, but she's overreacting
And it's all because she don't want things to change

So cry if you need to, but I can't stay to watch you
That's the wrong thing to do
Touch if you need to, but I can't stay to hold you
That's the wrong thing to do
Talk if you need to, but I can't stay to hear you
That's the wrong thing to do
Cause you'll say you love me, and I'll end up lying
And say I love you too

But I need someone different
You know it, oh **, you know it
Oh **, you know it, we both know it
I need someone different
You know it, oh **, you know it
Oh **, you know it, we both know it
Something's been missing
You know it, oh **, she knows it
Oh **, I know it, we all know it
I need someone different (oh **, oh **)

We live in a generation of, not being in love, and not being together
But we sure make it feel like we're together
Cause we're scared to see each other with somebody else

But I need someone different
You know it, oh **, you know it
Oh **, you know it, we both know it
I need someone different
You know it, oh **, you know it
Oh **, you know it, we both know it
Something's been missing
You know it, oh **, she knows it
Oh **, I know it, we all know it
I need someone different

If this feeling flows both ways?

you always bring me up,
you make me soar.
you always throw me down,
you make me sore.
either way i put it,
it sounds the same.
but to you i'm just a girl,
i'm just another game.
you play me just like basketball,
from the left and to the right.
you think that i'll go down,
that i won't even fight.
i know i may look weak,
but i assure you i am strong.
even though i love you,
i am right and you are wrong.

you promised you were going to
come, but i guess its just my fault.
i put all my trust inside and i never
seem to be able to get out.
im tired of people letting me down,
whats it worth? nothing.
i cant trust anybody without getting
hurt and you know what?
its all my fault.

i let you little ******* in,
hoping that maybe you'll be
the change in my life.
but, only i can be that,
i'm so done trusting
anybody and everybody.

i wont.
i wont make another
passage in my
skin like i
used to.
i wont allow the
blade to control me
again over someone.
i wont let myself
get to where i
was just a
few months ago
because being who
i was isn't who i
want to be
now.

ive finally started caring
again and even though
it hurts sometimes,
the pain isn't as
bad as it was when
i had nothing left
inside.

Did you forget
That I was even alive?
Did you forget
Everything we ever had?
Did you forget?
Did you forget
About me?

Did you regret (did you regret)
Ever standing by my side
Did you forget (did you forget)
What we were feeling inside?
Now I'm left to forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

So now I guess
This is where we have to stand
Did you regret
Ever holding my hand?
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget

We had it all
We were just about to fall
Even more in love
Than we were before
I won't forget
I won't forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
At all

And at last
All the pictures have been burned
And all the past
Is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget
Please don't forget us

Somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About us
(Don't forget)

Soft ringing becomes louder. And louder. And louder.
I guess I can open my open my eyes now. I don't think about anything, not even afraid to see what the shattered world in front of me holds. So I open my eyes. It was just another mistake. I hear my mother's voice in my head, speaking to me when I was a child. It was not soothing, but somewhat scolding warnings of what can happen if you don't use caution. I remember her words, her warning. Now that I have forgotten that warning, I open my eyes, to only find the holder of that voice in a world that I've only heard of, and don't know where it could be. All I know is that the holder of a precious, cautious voice, can no longer use it to give caution.