i screamed "come home! just come home!"
into the void and
all that has happened is
the darkness creeping back into my life and
taking me into its sweet arms
while i wait.

I reread your poems,
Your soft unspoken words that
Mean so much.
I don't even know you,
You girl of wonderfully
Beautiful yet
Dreadful stories.

I wish I could be the
One to cure your
Scary thoughts.

I past by you in the hallway and
You tried so hard to
Look away but
Something told you to
Keep watching
Me.

I tried to keep looking f o  r w   a   r          d
But every time I looked there
It didn't feel right.
I mean, you felt like
My forward, like
Where I
belong.

As I kept on walking,
My heart slowed down and
So did the pace of my stride.
Was it my heart trying to
Tell me to go back?
Or
That I'm better off
Without him?

Maybe it was trying to tell me to
Grow a pair and
Go say
'Hello'.

I want you so much.

*******.

she wishes to dance
with only
her.

have a bad case of
writers block but
when he walked
past me in the
hallways i
couldnt help
but smile
at his
loving
eyes.

I kissed your
Necklace last night because
It's an old time saying.
My mom even told me so.
I remember my lips on the
Small circle.
I remember looking up at you,
With you looking at me.
My God,
What were you thinking
As I laid my
Lips
Onto your necklace?

The more we talk the
more i fall for
h
  e
     r.

She just makes me
want to smile and
cry alltogether.

i wanted him to miss me
and i mean, i guess he does.
i wanted him to miss me like
how i miss him.
i miss him like how i
miss the stars in the day.
i miss him like how i
miss being a kid.
i miss him like how i
miss disney songs.
i miss him.

he reminds me of how i
am mature but also how
i am a kid. he reminds me of
the stars, and i how i wish to be
near them. i just miss him.

he walked past me this morning
and we shared that knowing look again
but i guess he doesn't miss me enough
to tell me a decent hello.

i am reading about black holes
and how they are a possibility to
explore another dimension
or to use them to travel in time.
but, all i can think about
is the black hole i call my heart.
i found God through a shooting star,
but what about now?
my eyes can see clearer than they ever could,
and i am scared to know that maybe
when i look into your eyes on Monday
that i wasn't ever in love with you.
i have never doubted in a day
that i have never loved you.
but, the thought is too much to bear now.
i saw the sun but couldnt see the pain
i was blinded by the hurt
and tortured by the pain
and dear, dear God,
i am so scared
because if it is all fiction then
i do not ever think
i will be able to forgive myself nor
the black hole i call my heart.

it makes me sick,
love.

the nature of it,
how people die
because of the
thought of not
being with their
significant other.

i think if i died
all alone,
i'd be okay with it.
after all,
i'm already alone.
always have,
always will.

and i don't mind it
either.

i don't need someone to
keep me warm anymore
or to help me.
i can help my ******* self
and that's all that matters.
i am my own savior,
i am my own redeemer,
i am my own person.
i am me.
and me is all i ever shall and
will be, so,

                   please

decide on whether you are
staying or leaving
because im tired
of being the
last to find
out.

I want to touch your soul,
Not just your body.
I want to feel your heartbeat,
Right against my heart.

Skin on top of skin,
No sheets inbetween.
Places untouched,
Will soon be discovered.

I'll fix your heart,
If you'll fix mine.
I'll kiss your lips,
And hold you tight.

Nothing will harm you,
I can promise you that.
I'll be there for you,
Till the end of time.

God, the scent of us afterward,
The crazy mess of our love.
Left over pieces of us,
Could be put back together.

As you trace my scars,
I let out a moan.
You know why
I'm scared.

Scared of what comes next,
Because I'm scarred from the last time.
I'm broken because of him,
But you, her, she, you, plan to make me feel
Loved.

                                                    ­                          That'll never happen though
It's just a dream.
A stupid fantasy.
You'll never want to touch my soul
My body
Or listen to my heartbeat.
You don't want
My lips on yours
You don't like
The scent of my skin
You hate
My moans.
And I know
You don't plan to put together the
Broken pieces of me.


So, why is it that I want you?

she walked in and saw me
holding your hips
and playing with the
fabric in between my fingers.
she didn't say anything
but you could tell that she now knew
that we were a real couple.
normally, she'd make some kind of
reference or comment,
"Rachel! Stop touching her, ya nasty!"
and my hand would fall away quickly.
but, i think she understands now.

we cant be together in public.
i am a very touchy person,
and a very lovable one as well.
finally i am happy and i think
she may see that in me.
maybe that is why she hasn't said anything.

so, TF, thank you so much.
you see all, but you know that
this needs to stay secret.

after all, i am sure you do not
want what happened to you,
to happen to me.

He ignores me and
pretends I dont
exist.
but why?

but, she asked you to
    stay and yet you
disobeyed?

Reading The Truth About Forever on
the beach today.
I noticed that maybe nobody even
looked my way.

I thought back to the book and about what
it all meant and about the end.
I thought back to the characters mom
and to how she hated her daughters friend.

The book is a lot like my life
I can't have my best friend
and it's because my mom judges before she
reads till the very end.

I was at their wedding
I watched as they
Vowed
To stay together
Forever.
I started crying
I just felt so alone.
They started dancing,
Laughing, loving
And everything seemed dull to me
Nothing seemed good or fine or right.
I just felt grey and alone and
Wrong.
I didn't feel like I belonged and
I knew I didn't.

I should've jumped off that pier.

I am that creepy stare
Across the hall.
The weird laugh
In the crowd.
The shortest one
ever.
The girl who just
Wants to be happy.
The girl who looks happy
But is so empty.
Who wants to travel.
Who wants to go
To college far away.
Who wants to speak
3 languages.
Who wants to be
Famous.
Who loves a good book.
Who cries when
Sherlock dies/not.
Who smiles at the thought
Of others smiling.
Who likes older men cause
She has daddy issues.
Who has an old soul.
Who likes girls way more
Than she should.
Who writes poetry
To get her feelings
Out.
Who takes art seriously and
Tries her best not to
Make art on her wrists.
Who wants the best for
The people she loves.
Who wants to make magic
With Harry potter.
Who just wants to fit in.
Who wants to be
Happy.
Who wants to smile for
Real.
Who wants to live.

I'm sure there is more but it's 7 ******* A.M. And I'm tired as ****.
x

the waves are splashing
our ships are crashing
I am not sure when our feet can touch the floor,
nevertheless when we'll reach the shore.

we were smoothing sailing
now were barely holding the railing
the sun rose over sand and gave me the key to my locks,
but I lost it in the water when we fell atop sharp rocks.

we fell with a soft touch
and all we're left with is not much.
drowning was always a chance but somehow I knew you could save
me from the side effect of these rough waves.

do seas always come with rough water every time?
the rungs never have seemed this hard to climb.
the light up ahead seems dimmer with every sin,
with every waking minute getting harder to live in.

if the world were flat and the sea were dry,
maybe this death wish would fly away in the sky.
but yet I have you to love for by the day,
Love and compassion will show me the way.

I could kiss you
                            and
touch you
                  and
love you
                for my life time
and more.

Something about you
                                      brings my body
to life
           and my brain
flickering fast
                         and
my heart
                beating like crazy.

Love is quite complicated
                                              but it seems as if
we fall gracefully on top of
                                                each other
as if we were the
                              m  iss     ing       pi       ece
to the puzzle that is
                                    human souls.

I hate eating
I honestly cannot stop eating
Bread? More like carbs
More like heaven
Ice cream? FATFATFAT
I look fine, I'm not fat
I am also not on Varsity.
I could lose about 20-30 pounds...
Maybe I should just stop eating again
That is very unhealthy..
Fat girls don't get anywhere in life.
I have gone so far though...
Yeah, as far as the store to buy more sweets.
Shut up
I should just go cut, huh?
It would dishonor him.
I have been drowning for so long, I need to let the blood out.
Fine, go ahead.
Maybe even nick a vein on the way down...

You talked about her like
She was your favorite song.
But you cried when she left and
stopped singing along.

But with him you're content,
Even happy I guess.
But I wanted to be the one who
Gave you the best.

I'm not her,
I'm not him.
I'm me,
And I'm hanging on a whim.

I have that spot
Reserved you must say
You try to make me feel special,
To make me feel okay.

And sure,
That may last awhile
Not for long though,
But I surely can fake a smile.

When I'm alone at home,
I cry hot tears,
I lash out on my skin
Because of my invisible fears.

I bet someday,
When I'm thinking of you
I'll do it again
And cut right on cue.

I want to stop breaking people like glass, and I'm tired of hearing my own bones shatter because I allow others to crush them as they walk all over me. I want the world to stop changing for a moment so I can catch up with the times, but I'll never catch up, I'll never see the light of day if I keep hiding myself under the blanket of night where the stars seem to shine brighter than any future I could ever hold on this Earth. I am alone and the ground is shaking and time stops for no one and I believe it wouldn't be wrong to say that I love you because I do, but it is wrong because here I am, trying to pick up the pieces of my ever breaking heart and I can't remember a time when I could breathe because my lungs are failing and my blood is under oxygenated and I feel an emptiness somewhere in between my ribs or my less than whole and aching heart.  Everything is dark, everything leaves a foul taste in the back of my throat and the leaves my be green, but I am dead and I am a walking, rotting corpse and I am surely a shame to this world because all I have to contribute to this earth are the sad stories I tell and the random facts I know about Archduke Franz Ferdinand and horrible words that sort of sometimes turn into poems, so what is the point of living when you're just full of nothing of importance? if I died, no, when I die, I will be either put into the ground or burned, which is not what I want (I would love to either be sent into space or made into a tree) but that will most likely never happen, so at least I will live long enough to know that people **** and anything can break your heart and that you don't care, no you don't care one bit and neither should I, but I care too much about everything and everyone and that is where I'm going wrong. that is why I am dying, I have given every good part of me away and all that is left are the feelings of misery, depression, and disconnectedness inside of my burning soul. if my body were a galaxy, my heart would be the black hole in the middle, for it surely knows how to grab onto the surrounding planets and stars and make them fall in till they are ripped apart piece by piece until they are nothing.

After what you did to me this weekend, you'd think I would want to die.
But, I guess it's just going to take a little while to settle in, huh?

I'll be seeing you again,
Finally.
I've missed our talks and
How I can tell you things.
I'm glad I'll
Finally be seeing you
Again.

I'm having a hard time figuring out what is right
and what it wrong
because you and I are not necessarily wrong
but we aren't all that right either.
and I'm not sure whether or not I should give you up
before we even have the chance to try,
or if I should try because we both want to be together
and soon enough,
we can be.

The sudden scent of strawberries around me reminds me of you.
I had never actually tried a strawberry until you came along, and I realized they aren't so bad.
I hate missing you, because suddenly memories like this comes back to my mind.
Whenever I tried it, you smiled widely.
We were at your house and you put sugar all over it, because you loved them like that.
I remember how sweet you looked, and just how sweet you tasted.
I do not think I'll ever forget that, because every time I eat strawberries now, I am reminded.

You don't believe me,
It's understandable.
One minute I love him,
The next I love you.
To be honest though,
I was blinded.
I'm not in love with him,
He's helped me,
He's my friend,
My mentor.
He's actually my teacher.
But, you,
My bestfriend,
Are more than a teacher,
Or helper,
Or in my mind a lover,
You are the light,
The stars,
The moon,
And the universe.
You are my universe.
See the clouds up above?
We can go higher than that.

I want to be yours, I want to be able to call you mine.
I want to hear you say you love me,
And mean it.
You think I don't mean it
And sometimes
I'm even confused.
But I know I love you,
Because if I didn't,
I wouldn't do the things I do,
To try to be yours.

we talked about how I
seem to be noticing girls
more than guys.
how that the way some
of these beautiful women
speak
          look
                  act
                        are
makes my
lips quiver
makes my
heart skip beats
makes my
mind race with thoughts.

I thought maybe I could
control these feelings but
the dreams I have of the
faceless woman has shone
that I'm anything but
                s
         t
                    r
       a
               i
                      g
         h
               t

We chose to act this way.
like children playing a game or
like two lovers who cant be.
we chose to ignore each other
and pretend to not know
each others secrets.
why did i let you in?
Itd be so much easier
for the both of us if
i were dead.

If I cut open my veins, then the last drops of you would finally pour out.

Last night I
Tossed and turned.
I woke up in a
Cold sweat and
Wanted to scream.
I looked over in my bed and
Saw you there,
Reaching out to me,
for me,
Whispering my name and
Then you disappeared.
I turned to the other side,
And tried to forget you.
But the tears that I shed
Reminded me I
Couldn't.

I've never really
Been much for
Trying.

My hand
So close to yours
Yet
So far away.
I just want to
Hold them tight
For you to realize
We're meant to be
Together,
To be one.
You lay on my lap
Unintentionally of course
At least in your mind.
But to me it means
More than life.
More than anything.

Ah, bestfriend! You're back!
What a wise one!
I can't say I've missed you, but
I can tell it's been awhile.
Want a drink?
I'll gladly stay for awhile!
It's been several months
Since I last saw you.
You helped me heal my
Wounds.
And you helped me with my darkest fears.
I'm glad you're back,
Things might be easier now.

Is it right to call you a dream?
A dream I'd never see come true?
I didn't believe in dreams,
until they came true.
California, UC Berkeley,
and someone to call mine.
But here you are--
and suddenly words cannot
seem to describe how beautiful
and how perfect I know we are
for each other.

You are a dream come true.
And I love you.

I
wish to
be
Invisible.

i went up to you
and said "i got a
C!" and you smiled
and knew that i
was very proud.
you gave me
permission to
get closer with
your eyes and
i did.

you then smiled,
asked when my next
test was and i
answered back,
"in two weeks."
you smiled and
then we became silent.

i looked at you and
decided it was time
to tell you how i
felt.

"congrats, i heard you're
engaged. thats amazing."
and he smiled and said,
"yes, i am. its wonderful,
thank you!" and he had this
light in his eyes when he
said this to me.

i told him to have a
good day and before he
said anything, i walked
out.

i felt the need to puke and
cry and i wasn't sure of
what to do because
I'm so completely in
love with you.

im so happy for him
and i know i shouldn't
feel this way but,
i really wish he had that
same light in his eyes
when he talks to
me.