Samuel walked up to his boss
and demanded in no uncertain terms:
"You'd best give me a pay rise -
you might want to know
3 companies are after me"

"Wow," said Samuel's boss
deeply impressed. "Which companies?"

"Oh," came Samuel's swift reply
*"The telephone,  electricity
and water companies"

Helen and Bill
were out camping
with their little kids
Annie and Sam

and Bill killed a deer
out there in the open
and his wife cooked it
and the kids
Annie and Sam
came after their swim
for their lunch

and the kids asked their dad:
“What’s for lunch?”
Bill hushed his  wife and he said
to the kids:
“Guess what meat it is,
children.
Here’s a clue:
Think of what mom
calls me other than my name”

And  Annie screamed:
*“Don’t eat it, Sam!
It’s an *******!”

I was at the entrance
of the high-rise apartments
and I phoned my grandma upstairs
and she offered me her instructions:
“Well, Josie…I’m at 354
you got to hit the green, square button
with your elbow
at the entrance where you are;
and I’ll release open the glass doors
and then go to the lift on the right
and punch the button with your elbow
and then get in and punch 3
with your elbow
and then when you are up on 3
look for Unit 54
and punch on its button with your elbow
and I’ll open the door”

“OK, easy, grandma…
But why am I punching all these
buttons with my elbow?”

“What?” my grandma screamed.
*“You mean you are coming empty-handed?”

1)
There are three letters
which form strange company -
that's, let me announce them:
C, P and E
(audience claps; C, P and E bow)

2)
Which word
(this may sound a little twisted)
begins and ends with the same one letter of the three -
and yet, impossibly, has only one letter?
That's E - as in an envelope, see?
and it's only got one letter!
...ha,ha...he, he, he...
(audience laughs, E grins)

3)
And now, of these three -
C, P and E -
which holds most water?
(audience, please,  look puzzled)
Why, C - C has the most water, see?
...he, he, he...
(wave of tolerant laughter sweeps over the audience)


4)
And now for the finale
(audience shows signs of impatience;
C, P and E appear nonchalant):
What starts with the letter P
and ends with the letter E
and - wait for this -
has thousands of letters?
da, da, di, da, da, di, dum...hmmm?
well...the....POST OFFICE!
(the audience does not laugh
as most nowadays
don't know what a post office is -
just look at each potbelly;
C, P and E nevertheless take a bow)

-----------------------------------------
(audience heaves sigh of relief
as they leave)

it grieves me
the major dictionaries
cannot agree
on the longest word
in the English Language

The Oxford English proposes:
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
Merriam­-Webster champions:
electroencephalographically
and others list: floccinaucinihilipilification -
but look, I am no counterrevolutionary
and I'm not attempting any deinstitutionalisation
but really the longest word in the English Language
(and let's settle this once and for all, amicably) is:
SMILE
Why?
because there's a mile between S and E...
You see? Easy!
Makes you wonder if
the editors of major dictionaries
are *visuallyintellectuallyfacialmuscularlychallenged

dog bites man;
man bites back

dog turns round
faces the man
and dog barks:
"Do not bite -
it is not man nature;
besides, your canines
are not sharp
Now I will bite again
where it hurts most
so you'll never forget
dog nature"

dog bites man;
man runs
like a match-stick man

1)
at dinner
the kid asks Dad:
“Dad, do caterpillars
taste good to eat?”
“Be quiet,” says Dad
“I’ve told you many times
never talk crude”
“Yeah, Jason,” interjects
Dad’s darling little girl
“Never talk crude”

“Yeah, but I only asked cos
I just saw Dad eat
his salad
and the wriggling caterpillar;
and Dad even licked his lips
straight after”

Dad orders the kid
straight up to bed –
and not to come down
till morning


2)
Seconds later
Jason hollers
from upstairs:
“Dad, can you bring me
a glass of water?”

Dad screams:
“Shut up and sleep!”

A minute later
Jason hollers again:
“Dad, can you bring me
a glass of water?”

“One more word from you,”
screams Dad
“and I’ll come up there
and spank you!”


And swift comes Jason’s reply:
*“Dad, when you come up to spank me
can you bring me a glass of water?”