I was watching TV
and the topic on the Geriatrics Show
was Life Support Systems -
you know, about how people are kept
on pipes and machines and tubes and liquid
and I hollered to my wife in the kitchen:
“Darling, if ever I become life-dependent
on liquids and machines, just get rid of ‘em
and free me…”

“Sure thing,” my faithful wife said
and she turned off the TV
and my cell phone and my laptop
and she emptied my bottles of wine and whisky
and then she turned to me and she said:
*“I just freed you.”

1)  THE INVITATION

Mr and Mrs Smith
thought they'd need
(Oh, just for fun)
a change of guests they had
so they invited Death
for a meal, via email
“Hello, would you care
to come for dinner?
6pm will be fine.”
And Death said yes,
but he wanted to know:
Is that a death wish?
And he was working at home
so he continued deleting
names on his database


2)  DINNER

And it was dinner
and Mrs Smith rolled
her eyes, and patted her curls
and Death said:
“You trying to flirt with me?”
And then they played cards
and Death looked
at Mr Smith dealing
and he groaned:
“You trying to cheat me?”
And Mrs Smith said:
“How would you like your dinner?”
And Death said: "Always cold for me.”
And Mr and Mrs Smith thought
it was time for their guest to go
but Death said:
*“I’ll have you know
nobody tells me when to come or go”

so we are at the operating table
and we work slowly and deliberately
with the patient between us
and I say to you:
I'm a little nervous
And you say to me:
You? But you've got so much experience

And I say to you:
Yeah, but if i ***** up this one,
my insurance company has advised,
I'll be at the end of my quota of cases
for my malpractice insurance

And you don't say anything
just that, behind that mask,
you've got your mouth agape

Dad was dying, breathing his last -
would Mark be sad or glad?
Glad - why not? Since Dad’s
a multi-billionaire
and Mark’s the only child
and all things will go to Mark,
to no one else

Mark ’s happy the doctors
said it ’s anytime now
and he must make arrangements
so he asked his long-time,
indecisive sweetheart:
“Hey, Helen baby – my dad’s dying
and I’ll inherit everything
So you got to decide now -
come home with me?”
“Sure thing,” Helen said
as instant as noodles
And Mark and Helen got home -
and look, to make a long story short,
that’s how Helen became Mark's step-ma
And Mark’s sitting in the garden shed
still licking his wounds

Hi mate…ya, I’m in for
housebreaking and trespassing
and robbery, all in one, ya

Well, I, **** I broke into this mansion
and hey, I picked up lots of rare stuff
precious little things that’d fetch much money
later at the thieves’ market, ya
And I threw them into my handy bag
and then I found myself in the kitchen
and fixed myself a drink, ya
and the sofa was nice
so I sat down to have my drink, ya -
some rich man’s fancy wine or French luxury,
or whatever it was, ya

And it was comfy in the sofa
and the drink I had another
and it was so comfy I went to sleep, ya
and the next moment
the police were there
It wasn’t a dream, ya
It seemed the ****** owners had come in
while I was asleep
and they’d call the police, ya –
****! I’ve always had this habit
of sleeping on the job, ya!

And that's how
I **** got landed here, mate

The smoker
I bought some rare cigars;
had them insured against fire
And by three months later
I’d lost them all
in a series of small fires
But the ****** insurance company
wouldn’t pay
so I sued them


The judge
I’ve looked at all the evidence
and I accept the cigars had been
indeed destroyed
by a “series of small fires”
and so I order
the company to pay the insured
the sum of $15 000


The insurance company
We paid - we didn’t
want a prolonged legal case;
but now we are taking  the client
to court
as it’s clear through
the very evidence he submitted
he caused the “series of small fires”


The judge*
I find the insurance
company’s former client
guilty of arson;
and furthermore I order that
the man serve prison
a year each for each count
and so, to make it clear,
to see past all the smoke:
that’s 24 years in jail for arson

C
is confused, so a little complex
I mean, one moment it’s top of the range
glowing
in the hierarchy of vitamins
but next it’s a little abashed and low
in a student’s report card –
you know, C is not as good as an A
And so can you blame C for its mood swings?
Its agony continues:
one instant C is Calm, in another it’s a Curse


And you know it also feels a little wanting
a little under-stretched, not fulfilled
like not being able to complete
all the stretching exercises
its fitness trainer metes out
“O, if only I could be a little more yogic,”
C intones
“I’d be as composed as an O” -
but O no, that’s not to be

And don’t you start
on the indignant possibilities
of the letter C, for C has always aspired
you see
to be genteel, cultured and debonair
and curls with disgust if the uncouth
should use the letter  
to refer to any body parts,
be it that of male or of female
So, dear mortals, C should be left in celestial spheres

And so, in conclusion,
one Commandment I give unto you:
*Never drag C to ****** shallows