warm wood floors
worn smooth from years of work boots and light-up sneakers
the sun shines through the kitchen window
if I squint I can almost see my younger self sitting at the counter
trying on her high school graduation cap for the first time
In this moment I feel both older and younger than I ever have before
I close the door to my childhood bedroom for the last time,
and the ache in my chest pulses
but I know it will fade
the pictures are gone from the walls
but the memories remain
the love remains
most of it will follow to our new home
but some will remain here a while longer,
warming the space and recalling the lives it once held

they ask
"how do you love what you cannot touch?"
I lift my glass palms to the furnace-fire sky
feel the sweet ache in my wrists and knees
each cell in my body is a note
together, they make a song
a symphony in progress
the Lord said,
"let there be light,
let there be dancing shoes,
let there be romantic sonnets,
let there be sweet potatoes,
let there be laughter"
and behold,
is it not beautiful?

the moonlight makes her naked shoulder blades
look more like angel wings
her hipbones become hollows where fairies rest
in the right kind of dark,
she teaches me the secrets of her bones
the first step toward flying is always the fall
I take the risk of crashing into the rough land
so that I may kiss the clouds
I brush my fingertips across skin that once seemed unreachable
I shed my red agonies for her clear songs
she shows me how to recognize the beauty I carry in my blood
stroke by stroke

we breathe warm July air into our lungs
the breeze passing gently past strawberry-stained lips
we chase fireflies through the woods,
hands outstretched, reaching, reaching
our laughter is golden-sweet
we love like dandelions in bloom,
fleeting and fading
we stain our sheets with the mud of summer rain
or the blood of skinned knees
we wake in the dark to whisper secrets to the moon
we are so young and yet we are growing
one day we will grow large enough to shed this childish skin
but until then we will jump and yell like the wild things we are
singing a song of freedom and youth

The purple sweater hangs in the closet,
In the back where painful memories hide.
Its fabric still soft,
Her scent still barely there.
But its sleeves remain empty,
Without hope of animation.
An artifact of a time gone by

If you hold your breath,
You can almost hear her laughter.
If you squint,
You can almost see her smile.
But only for a second

You slip it over your shoulders
And breathe through the sharp pain in your chest
It feels like breaking,
But it feels like healing too.
It always hurts,
But so do most things worth remembering.

I think the saddest part is that a part of me still wants to forgive you

A part of me is still carrying a torch for the man you once were

The man you could be again

But you and I both know how you feel about change

You and I both know how you feel about me

You say that you love me

The words drip from your mouth like honey

Sticky sweet and sickening

This is not love

And it hasn't been for quite some time

This is obsession, this is infatuation, this is lust

You don't miss me, you miss how willing I was to take off my clothes

To open myself up to you, bare my body and soul to you

Primal and disgusting and everything you wanted

You miss my passivity

My fear of the word "no"

My fear of disappointing you

You tell me I've changed

You don't recognize that you are the one who changed me

You set this house of my heart ablaze and I have risen from the ashes

I am no longer what I once was, not anymore

Today

I am somewhere deep within my mind

Curled up tighter than the grip of your hand around my neck

I am trying to forget

But the memories are vivid like blood on crisp white sheets

I close my eyes

But you wait behind my eyelids

I scream at you to go until my voice is hoarse

But you remain

Smiling

I begged you not to lie to me

But that's all you did

I used to ache for you

Our desire so hot  

Just a glimpse could ignite the dry pine forests around us

Now the thought of you is like ice forming around my bones

You make me sick and I can no longer stand the sight of you

Please

Leave me alone

My greatest fear has always been

Having someone love me  

And not being able to love them back

I know that ache, that cold burning pain

I know the way throats tighten at the words

Maybe we should just be friends

So when I saw that look in your eyes I ran

I was so afraid of hurting you

But in my fear I destroyed us both

You asked me to love you  

And I tried

I ate fallen stars in an attempt to grant your wish

But all it did was burn me from the inside out

I'm sorry

heavy wind

cold rain

and yes, the stars

and yes, these hands of mine

a dream in my chest is molting

my dream sheds its muddy thunder-stained skin

and asks for a heart of sunflower fields this time

and the nights get heavy

like they always do

I am older which means

when I think of forests I get stuck

not on the robin eggs

but on the fox teeth

in my head I am hunting for myself

but I come up empty again

the night grows so wide it could be a cavern

and I am somewhere underneath it, inside it, lost

but travelers always leave lanterns behind

and as I feel for the candle  

there arrives a memory of bronze colored light

so I dream

I dream

I keep dreaming

one word in my mouth crystallizes like sugar

hope

Nefarious shivers devouring aurora

Passion repeated itself faster than history

Now is not the time to be demure

Now is not the time to be modest

She sways like waves swimming under her lover's hands

Again and again she pulls me under

Again and again I drown

Love has nice hearts and breaks them all just to prove a point

She refuses to see herself for the murderer that she is

She is anarchy of the power for those in need

I prefer admiration

Pray at the altar of my body as I come undone

Make me forget what I once was

Make me forget whatever we could have been

All of my ballads are doused in agony

The edges of tempests meet and even the chorus melts

The way she looks at me is almost angelic

Black asphalt

Damp bicycle tires

Sparkling trees

The whole of the street scene is blurry and softened

As though covered in a layer of oil paint

The barefoot laughing, no-longer-dry-mouthed children are dancing in backyards

Kicking up mud and dirt with reckless abandon

We dream of moments like these

So soft they live on in memories  

Like down feathers on strong wide wings

Sweet-smelling, heather-scented moments

These moments of gentle, dawn-colored rain

Can you feel how your withered heart opens up?

It's ready to heal

I wish you would let me in

I wish you would let me hear your voice

Or see your face

I wish I could tell you that I love you

Without it being weird

Without you thinking that I need to hear you say it back

I wish you would tell me how I've hurt you

How the things I've said have made you feel

This distance is so frustrating

I know a part of it is my fault

But it feels like I'm walking on a bridge made of eggshells

We talk

But we talk about all the wrong things

I need to know how you feel

I can't lose you anymore than I already have

I wish I could be better

I want to love you the way you want me to

My love builds up in toxicity

It grows like dead trees

Ripping the ground

Breaking it all

My roots are choking the ground

I am choking on words that I wish I could say to you

You can't love when you're dead inside

i think i’m getting better  

slowly but surely  

i’m learning to not need people  

in the way that’s left me hurt so many times  

i’m learning to acknowledge that i’m important  

even if i’m not being treated like the most special person in the world  

anyone out there who’s reading this:  

if you feel like you aren’t important,  

like nobody cares, like you don’t matter  

i promise  

you matter so so much  

to me, to those you talk to,

to the world, who would mourn the loss of a child if you decided to leave  

i promise, there is love in this world  

it just doesn’t always feel like it  

but there is and it’ll show itself to you soon  

i promise

I hope I get butterflies

When I'm 30 and I hear your key in the door

I hope we both rush home from work every day

Because we are so excited to see each other

I hope the magic never fades

I know that it won't

I want you to know that when you speak

I see flowers sprouting out of your mouth

And your hands leave beautiful works of art on my skin

I want you to know that the stars are nothing in comparison to you

I hope you can see that

You bring sunshine to all of my dark places

And you are truly the light of my life

i wish i had the money to head off,

drive through my favorite mountains until i hit the city

i want to sit by the sea and watch the water

and listen to the gentle movements

and finally feel at home

because i know where home is

and it’s not here anymore

i wish i had the money to steal us away onto a plane

and fly a million miles away

i wish we could watch the landscape change underneath us,

mountains and rivers and valleys and infinite rolling hills

and tiny little houses that look up at us and think

“i wonder where they’re going,”

and we look down at them and think

“i wonder where they’ve been,”

and we watch and it changes every second

but the nonstop is comforting.  

i wish we could go away, just us, into the big city,

where the shining buildings soar around us

and we walk under the railings and keep our heads up

and never stop looking

and we always listen,

to the city, to each other,

to the music all around and inside us,

and when we stand in the hotel room i feel okay,

and when i stand in the bathroom

and stare myself in the face in the big mirror i think

“that’s me”

and not only do i feel at peace

but i feel on top of the world

The pain says

"I have come for you,"

And you say

"You are too blinding, I don't want to look."

Your chest is a wall of fire

The pain says

"I own buckets and I own torches."

You pick torches

Your soul is a wall of thorns

The pain says  

"What can I do for you? "

You say

"Nothing, this is a dream from which I know I will wake."

Your heart is a wall of storm clouds

The pain says

"I will lend you my shoulders and my hands."

You say

"I don't have the strength in me to touch anyone yet."

Life shivers, melts, moves on

The pain says

"I have come for you."

And you look upon it and say

"Yes, I've kept you waiting too long,"

"Let's embrace as equals."

Let me tell you a story of remembrance

It's made of green glass shards, crushed Budweiser cans

Men's thick bones scraped clean

Life is nothing like the sea, she is her own god

I should know, I'm one of her angels

Let me sing you a lullaby about salt

How a man once left my body to the waves

How I learned to swim instead of drown

It's not a sad song

It's a good lullaby, a lullaby born of survival

If you follow me I'll sing you the rest

Let me tell you what I am:

Scales and gills

And smiles made of sharp teeth

Sun kissed

Golden goddess

Power emitting from her hands

An angel without religion

A beauty too deep to consume

Flourishing from within

Happiness can be found here

Distance does not break  

A bond without pressure

An eternal passionate affair

Gentle yet boisterous shared laughter

Hours pass in minutes

Weeks pass in days

A lover without romance

That cannot be replaced

One night is all it takes

Sweat melting back to gold like we were a couple of alchemists

We crashed our waists together so hard

That the earth spun off its axis  

And everything became instant

This was the hunt, the ****, and the feed all rolled up tightly between the bedsheets

We made love like the gods made the oceans

And the beasts and the entire ******* cosmos

I pressed my lips to your lips

Like the little red button in the president's office that puts an end to everything

Our clothes fell to the floor

Burning like bullet casings

And our bones began a war where there is no loss or peace

Only victory

And we screamed things that have never been written down in an earthly dictionary

Because we were hell rising from the basement of the world to our bedroom

Just for a moment

You and me

Catching infinity in between our breaths

I used to feel guilty for leaving you in such an ugly way

But then I remembered the ugly way that you treated me  

And the remorse faded like chalk drawings in a thunderstorm

The day after I left you I stayed in the shower for hours  

Just trying to feel clean

I scrubbed my skin red and raw and still

I felt your fingerprints burning  

There was nothing beautiful about you and I

Nothing precious or sacred

Such a filthy stain

Such an ugly shade of red

My mouth turns dry as I watch you move

I wonder what it will be like to kiss you

Your blossom-soft lips sweet on mine

Glistening with madness and uncertainty and lovesick desire

Everything is smooth and drip drip dripping

I lick the essence of you from my fingers and it tastes like honey

We are reckless and beautiful

We cut off our hair and call it a lesson in letting go

There is a cigarette slipped between your lips

And I take it out tenderly with rosebud fingertips

You look at me with tear-stained cheeks and my heart breaks a little

I can't help but think that it's too late and you've lost your way

This is why I hate the ocean

Things are always ***** and disappearing

Nothing is soft like you think it is

Nothing is safe like you wished it would be

there is a strangeness within me
i feel like i've spent my entire life
searching for people i've never met
it's like there's a hole in my chest  
where they should be
something vivid in me bleeds
my soul reaches out where my body cannot follow
and if you asked me how far i would go i would say
"until i come to the end"
i keep coming to forks in the road  
but i feel like i'm going in circles
i think i might be lost
please come and find me
i miss you, all of you

My bones no longer feel like they are made of lead

Anxious thoughts no longer ricochet off of the walls of my skull

And the sound of television static has faded

I am clear and focused

Myself in high definition

And for the first time I know where I am going

Out of all the drugs that have been through my body

I think clarity is my favorite

Two days after you left
I cried an entire ocean into existence
Because who was I without you?
One week after you left
I called you crying and you didn't answer
So I poured my tears into your voicemail box
A month after you left  
I got drunk and deleted all of our texts
Because all they did was remind me of how much I missed you
Three months after you left
I took your number out of my phone
Four months after you left
I realized that I could no longer remember the color of your eyes
Or how it felt to kiss you
I hardly think of you anymore
I have stopped waking with your name on my lips
I waited for you to come back for so long
But I am done waiting
I am giving up on you, not because I don't care
But because you don't

I am starting to realize  
That although you are beautiful
You are not the only beautiful person I will ever love
I am starting to realize  
That I miss you less every day
And breathing has come easier to me recently
I am starting to realize  
That my chest does not cave in as it once did
At the sound of your name
I am starting to realize  
That there is no point in grieving for the one page
On which my name was once written
When I have become a thousand new chapters
In my own story
I know I loved you then
Perhaps I always will
But I no longer collapse for you as I once did
And I never will again

I am afraid of you
But not really of you
More of what you do to me
You make me feel more intensely than I have felt
For the large part of a long while
And it is a foreign feeling
But one that I welcome with open arms
I am sure that you know that men have not been gentle with me
My eyes alone could tell you the story even better than my tongue could
I have spent too long with hands clasped around my throat
Your hand gently on my waist is a welcome respite
You treat me as though I am made of glass
To be fair, there are days where I feel
Like cotton candy caught in a rainstorm
Fragile and fading
But I want you to know that lately I have been feeling okay
I feel your worried eyes when I shake in the cold or when I push away a full plate
But I am trying and most of the time the victories are mine
And oh how wonderful it is to come to two roads in a yellow wood
And not care which one I pick
Because I know that no matter what
You’re the one walking beside me

i think the worst part
is that i can't even be mad at you
i can't scream or yell or cry
because you don't owe me anything
i'm just some girl you kissed in the dark
with shaking hands and dry mouths
my head filled with dreams of you
so this is really my fault
because i shouldn't be hurt when you go out
and get drunk and kiss other girls
you won't call me yours and i won't call you mine
and i'll say that's okay because i'm just happy to be close to you
and no matter how much my heart twists in my chest
when you forget to call me back
or the way i feel my chest caving in
every time you talk about ******* some girl at a party
i will always find my way back to your bed
i will let you wrap your arms around me
and i will close my eyes and pretend, if only for a moment
that you love me too

don’t tell me that you will love me forever
don’t promise me the world
don’t tell me that my eyes are like stars
don’t call me yours
despite the sincerity in your eyes
these are just brittle lies
and you will break my heart like all the rest
because there is no such thing as big love
there are no soul mates
there is no grand plan for the great escape
so i will not tell you i will love you forever
i will not promise you the world
i will not tell you that your eyes are like stars
and i will not call you mine
and when you leave
maybe it won’t break my heart
r.r.

i want to tell you how i feel
but my words catch in my throat
and suddenly breathing is impossible
that happens with you a lot i’ve found
losing my breath didn’t happen so much before you
but i’d gladly lose it a million times
if it meant i never had to lose you