my legs feel heavy
i am massive but weightless
i am floating and stomping
my heart feels like a brick in my ribcage
the earth beneath me is lifeless
i'm afraid to stay but too cowardly to go back
i am dead and pointless
i am small and invisible
i am tired but destructive
my eyes feel heavy
i am drooping in a similar way
i am close
the tree at my back is hard and sharp
and beckoning
i am fire and air
and i am rendered null by me

didn't i tell you?
we cannot escape darkness
while avoiding light

i've written sixty eight poems
on adderall in an hour and all of them
are living up and getting married
having kids and taking three week
vacations in the carribean
living fulfilled lives under no control

healthy, fruit dripping naturally
even when things go wrong
they sleep soundly.
i am distracted by how perfect they are
and admire them with jealousy
when i should be asleep

I crave bitter things when I’ve not eaten
Like how water tastes perfect when you’ve an angry thirst
But it’s really normal
Fundamental
And nothing more than necessary
Like breathing after swimming the whole length underwater
Well I’ve not eaten yet today
It’s the way I feel most like a bad person
Crave the devil for punishment
Find comfort there instead of in a willing peace
I’ve always been a reckless wanderlust
Nothing’s ever easy
Because I make sure of it
And if it’s offering I make sure to decline
If you want my love I’ll be sure to keep it
Just out of spite
All to myself
If you want me to do well
I’ll fail just on principle
Control
Chaos
All a servant of my choice
I’ll choose you
The bitter food
Deliberately starved as I am