s: Favorites

Feb 2015 s

I screwed up and I should care more but I don't.

Feb 2015 s

Makenzie Marie

I ******* up and I should care more but I don't.

I missed the scorching,
burning
screaming in my throat...

But it's like a big red button
an on switch
with no off.
I started something that I don't know how to stop

And now I'm sitting on the bathroom floor typing this up
silently crying
waiting for the next time this volcano will erupt.

I've missed the cold of the porcelain
the whispers of mia:
my fakest friends
reminding me of the stretch marks
forming on my skin
the disgusting nagging coming from within

I'm supposed to be getting better...
I don't want to lie to you...
But I don't want to.

I'm a fetching hypocrite but I've relapsed and honestly my anxiety is gone for the moment. I know it's only going to get worse from here on out but at least I have a release for a few minutes.

#illness #eating #disorder #whatever #mental #careless #sick #ed #relapse

Feb 2015 s

You Never Did Like The Rain

Feb 2015 s

nat

You Never Did Like The Rain

You wake up in the morning
With dust on your pillow
From the nothing that goes through your head
Trying not to remember
The hurricane
That ravaged your mind
And the reason
We don't speak anymore

Feb 2015 s

Pain Fades But I Need To Feel

Feb 2015 s

nat

Pain Fades But I Need To Feel

In the shower yesterday
I turned the water up
It burnt my skin, I stayed in
Until the heat wasn't enough

I guess that's how life goes
One day we're hit with pain
And gradually it decreases
But it always stays the same

Slowly, oh so slowly
We're becoming numb
To the hurt that lies within us
Secretly weaving us undone

When we realize we can't feel
We decide to up the dosage
Because is life better empty,
Or when we have a purpose?

We're drowning down and down
Slowly less believing
That all this pain and all this grief
Really has a meaning

{NR}

Feb 2015 s

Free Fall Seems Better Anyway

Feb 2015 s

nat

Free Fall Seems Better Anyway

Do we break
Or brake
I think its been too long, now
They're synonymous
With pain
So I'll drive
Right off this cliff

{NR}

#thoughts #breaking #freefall

Feb 2015 s

Don't Ask For an Answer If You Dont Finish the Question

Feb 2015 s

nat

Don't Ask For an Answer If You Dont Finish the Question

It's one of those nights
I'm unwilling to turn off the light
I won't look under my bed
I can barely open my eyes
I'll stack up the pillows beside me
And wish that it was you instead
Every noise makes my heart stop
Thoughts running wild in my head
I have to focus just to breathe right
Wishing I didn't have to breathe at all
I know in the morning that I'll be fine
but for now

{NR}

Feb 2015 s

Probably Nothing Good

Feb 2015 s

nat

Probably Nothing Good

They say my youth is what I’ll look back on
The memories I’ve made
Fondly remembering
Those daring escapades
But what if I spend all this time
Trying to get out
Wishing either forward or back-
Just wanting to get out
Then when I am aging quick
My hair, turning gray
Then when I reminisce
I wonder what I’ll say

{NR}

Feb 2015 s

As Reckless As I Am

Feb 2015 s

nat

As Reckless As I Am

There was a flicker of a flame in my soul
At one point I let it go
Realizing that uncontrolled
It would either burn me down
Or burn me out
And I’m okay with either result

{NR}

Feb 2015 s

Feeling Is A Touchy Subject

Feb 2015 s

nat

Feeling Is A Touchy Subject

I broke the window
I didn't want anything shielding me from reality
I'd rather face it head on
I felt the cold wind on my skin as I slept
The heat on my toes in the afternoon
I remembered how I used to watch the wind and rain
Beating upon the glass
And I would look at the way the sunlight streamed through
I still can't decide which I prefer:
Feeling life's beauties and pains
Or watching them while I hide away.

{NR}

I can't even open the window in my bedroom

Feb 2015 s

Your World Remains in Black and White

Feb 2015 s

nat

Your World Remains in Black and White

Do you drown at the thought
Of finally being happy
Because its been so long
Since you've seen the world in color
Spring doesnt seem to come around anymore
Your sky is gray, gray, gray
And flat, like the curve of your mouth
And whenever you try
To play piano like you used to
The keys all sound out of tune
But you've gotten used to them
Wrong seems normal
And being happy scares you

{NR}

Feb 2015 s

But Not Tonight

Feb 2015 s

nat

But Not Tonight

You're just another habit
That I need to break
I've gotten in too deep,
Oh what a mistake
I tell myself It's different
When know I'm the same
And I'm sick of your breathing
Like a drug to my mind
I'll get you out
One day at a time

{NR}