the cold winter air
caresses me like a lover
brushing icy fingers across my left cheek
tousling auburn hair
with familiar hands
across the street i see a woman
drop her groceries
and before i can stop myself
i am staring into headlights
with a hand outstretched
to help her

to you
     i hope you take me as seriously as i take you
     there was a glimmer in your eye i swear i could see
     and maybe after all of this time- this game of tug
     of war we've had- our two lights could be joined
     together- like a star birth so fantastic in the vastness
      of the galaxy
i long for the day i can give you my undivided attention.
i know you appreciate me far more than i have been able
to appreciate you.
   i fear if i took any more time to look fully at your naked soul
you may become my obsession.
-and I may realize life would be impossible to continue
without you by my side.

we'll probably never be together, truth be told.
   but i envy the woman who fully devotes herself to your arms.
for she will know security without doubt, she will be drowned in the aftertaste of your sincerity- tingling from the warmth of your skin.
   i forgot to wish you a happy birthday.
   and I don't want to.
I want to be suspended in time every encounter we have- in a space where life does not weather our skins or tarnish our beautiful souls. i will remain young and still seemly, you aged in sparsity with a sophisticate air.
   I believe God has a plan for us.
in this life or the next.
maybe in the heavens our souls will rest.
but for now I pretend I don't care about anything
or anyone.
it will hurt too much.

until next time, you perfect- but oh so familiar- stranger.

i can see where this ends -
slamming doors and shouting matches
and nights spent alone
or the slow decline of a flame
love dying out to embers of resentment
on nights when i can’t be touched
without feeling ghosts in my sheets
i can see where this ends -
if you fall down deep enough
all you get is a broken arm
and dirt under your fingernails
the rabbithole doesn’t keep you warm or safe
only in the dark
staring up at a patch of sky small enough
to cover with your thumb
(your hand, on top of mine)
when was the last time i felt so helpless?
you came out of nowhere
dragged me into the light
kicking and screaming
and denying my heart
(did i need to, after all?)
to keep you away from me
to keep you from slipping off the cliff
when i was already at the bottom
without even knowing
i can see where this ends -
the cold caress of morning
between sheets and skin
coffee and tea in equal amounts
the haze of new england
or the pacific northwest
pencils and pens tapping on wood
distracted brush of lips on flyaway hair
tracing freckles like constellations
chasing the scent of leather and ink
(do i need to finish?)
do i need to tell you where we end
when we haven’t even begun
to map out the pages of each other’s skin
or thumb through the volumes of our past
stopping to pause and smile at a photograph
or a hastily scrawled note
in the margins
take a moment to wonder
if maybe this was meant to happen
(i never thought i could say it again)
if you want
i can tell you
where this begins

she existed in the liminal spaces
between evening and night
a frosted marble statue
decorating the stone patio
in front of a white brick building
and she reaches out
her hands beckoning
any passerby
to spare her a glance
and a kind word
she existed in the liminal spaces
between love and apathy
a bright smile and blinding eyes
staring blankly into the shadows
in the corner of her favorite coffee shop
lifting her cup to her lips
a silent toast in my direction
telling me that
i did not go unnoticed
she existed in the liminal spaces
between your lips and mine
exchanging cold air cigarette smoke
between two lungs
like lovers
words dying as they hit
the cold november air
in the backseat of a yellow bus
and she breathes into the side of my neck
as i gather my thoughts into
words on my fingertips
and she tells me
he does not mind
she existed in the liminal spaces
between streetlights and mountain roads
hands on the worn leather wheel
screaming beautiful words
at the top of her lungs
she overlapped my melody
with her own
and in the pause between words
we switched effortlessly
gliding into the next verse
like practiced artists
and fated lovers
and the best of friends
we harmonized

the words stick in my throat like
honey in a spoon
coating my tongue and teeth
threatening to trip them up
on words like untied shoelaces
and fallen tree branches
as you reach through the phone
with spring blossom fingers
and dig cavities into my chest
looking for the heart that
you know sits underneath
in your wake lies regret
icy like melted snow
running down mountainsides
through creeks and ravines
chasing the cold winter air
and tugging warm spring behind it
with a noose of daisy stems
and i feel the newborn grass drop out
from beneath my bare feet
at the sound of your raw voice
traveling a distance too short
for me, and too long for you
and i tell you through my mouthful
of honey
that i do not regret it
for a single second
and i had more to say
but my jaws are glued shut
with sickly sweet resin
it is a miracle that i can
force them open long enough
for a 'good night'
and if you are disappointed
that i did not say more
i am not sorry
for refusing to force
my tongue and teeth
to say things i do not mean
to say to you
even if the words would
make you smile
that is not my lot in life
and maybe one day i can
try once more to be at ease
with the sound of your voice
in a small cellphone speaker
but for now
i will swallow thickly
around my mouthful of honey
and bid you
a bittersweet
farewell

we came together like a dying star
a single second that sparked a universe
chasing stardust through galaxies
i connect the freckles on your skin
like constellations
base elements forming life
in copper and green and deep wide black
i feel the expanse of skin on skin on skin
like honey dripping from my fingertips
as i touch the side of your cheek
a supernova of emotion
a collapse of everything that i am
and was and will be
forming existence in my own combustion
birthing oxygen in my stifled lungs
my heart takes off like a startled deer
crashing through trees and underbrush
coming to a sudden stop at the edge of a cliff
i stand on the precipice and stare down
at the rush of white water beneath me
and you smile up at me
raising your hands in invitation
i take a breath and step off the edge
only to realize that i am already at the bottom
five feet under and sinking
i struggle for breath against the weight
of the universe at home in my chest
suns dying and being born
in the sparks behind my eyelids
when i feel the press of lips
and the twitch of anxious fingers
and the ragged sound of ruin
in a dark room
you kneel at my feet and stare up at me
move your lips soundlessly
eyes wide and wild as the universe
as if to say
- is this okay -
it always will be
until the stars die out
and little by little
piece by piece
atom by atom
we become
stardust