do I want to die
or do I want the flashbacks to go away
do I want to die
or do I want the trauma to go away
do I want to die
or do I want to not hate myself
do I want to die
or do I want to not get older
do I want to die
or do I want to not live in fear
do I want to die
or do I want the paranoia to go away
do I want to die'
or do I want the severe anxiety to go away
do I want to die
or do I want to eat without worrying about my weight
do I want to die
or do I want to feel whole again
do I want to die
or do I want to escape my problems
my mental illness
my crippling loneliness
my fear
my uncertainty
the unknown future
do I want to die
or do I want the pain to go away

You can't force it on yourself.
The words come by themselves,
In the most random moment,
To help you
Or doom you.
They have their own will.
A sudden wave of inspiration,
On a train, bus, school,
But when you want to write,
It tells you you're not ready.

We feel the same way
I know why you choose to be alone
There are so many things in this world
That I too cannot comprehend
But, we already know so much
You and I
We're two brains
Thinking of the same puzzles
However, we were never supposed to meet

Perhaps, when you and I
Have surrendered the
sea
of
thoughts
The waves that continue to keep
                                   pushing
                                us
                        back
                 to
           the
shore
Back to where there's comfort
Or not

We feel the same way
If only we could not read so much into things
Not so much with the thoughts
The concepts
Theories
Ideas
If we try not so hard to understand
Every detail––
every/group/of/words/put/together
We would not end up
Finding ourselves unable to understand the WHOLE
The big reasons
As to WHY we question
Or we DO not question
And the most miserable of them all
Why are WE here?

We feel the same way
I know why you choose to be
Alone
The waves
         would
               continue
                     crashing
                           before
T h e     v a s t n e s s    o f     t h e     s e a
The gloom
In the moonless night
                                 be
                           sure
                       to
                come
            back
         to
The shore.

I chewed through the streets to find you

up & down the avenues of hope

my burning heart raged with fire
when you were there

and you were all that I wanted,
all that I cared for

you brought out the potential in me
when others had shown me the grave

you released my creative freedoms
when others had me incarcerated

all others before you were mere
throwaways, a simple practice
leading up to you

but when the lust had dried up
and my yearn for your thighs
still watered,

I still cared for only you

its when you became the exact opposite
of everything you’ve ever shown me

that’s when the love became scarce:

I could not stand the sight of you
I could not fathom what you’ve become
I could not grasp what lurked behind those fiery eyes

we were once aggressive lovers of dark bedrooms
and now passive strangers on blue-grey streets


and when we cross each other’s paths,
you fidget with your knick knacks
and watch your soap operas

so, I must go
out into the cold
where it is winter
where it is always winter
where the harsh winds sting
and the frost bites as the snow storms
back where my heart still rages on
in the streets I used to chew
through.