I don’t even know what to right

But I want to express my feelings in some way

Its all in my gut

This longing

There’s no other way I can describe it

Like my entire being wants another environment

A whole different set of stimulus

It isn’t always like this

I can appreciate the small things

The simplicities

Of life

Perhaps I just suffer through the appreciation

I’m not sure if effort toward appreciation

Makes any ******* sense

I read countless techniques of

Calculated happiness

Like life is a series of steps

Leading to a

Prescribed harmonious vibration

Its beautiful really

But I’m not sure I swallow

The idea that this path leads to this such reality

And days of such

Effort.

I wish to let my spirit free

With eloquence and fluidity

Vigor and relentless expression

of Self

and Soul

and Spirit

And these equations seem to hold me in chains.

you are
too busy
to live
yet
too idle
to die

“You are
too idle
to live
yet
too busy
to die.”

when
you said ****
instead of love

I want my skin to touch the air
But the shiver makes me shake
And I want to never stop running
But i've never been one to wear sneakers
especially with good support
cause even my life doesn't need that
And I don't even like chinese food
But my fortune cookie told me
"go forth with confidence!"
So I kind of want to listen
But I hate the smell of gas
and I love to be on Fire

If my feet didn't fail, I'd walk for days on end,
To the place far away, to the place I've never been.
Stay closed up all your life, blind to the normal eye,
Until no one can truly see you, does your mind really die.

Surrounded by full caskets of things you should have said,
The words pounding in your mouth, never to be read.
Screaming out to anything, kidnapped by regret,
What should have come out smoothly, stagers out with threat.

Hollow ears are thirsty for what they thought you'd say,
Questions still unanswered, their ends are left to fray.
But when the truth in the lie leads you to this place,
The yells you were searching for are gone, done, no trace.

"I smell lavender," I stated to no one in particular as I slid the customer's credit card through the register.  The smell was so overpowering that it blocked out the familiar scent of espresso beans that lingered in the coffee shop.
"It's me," the customer replied.
Images of horrible, sleepless nights rushed through my mind.
The waterfalls of tears.
The heartache.
The letters I never sent.
The hours I spent pouring over my notes and books hoping I could save what was left of my GPA.
The fights with my family.
And I felt a strange comfort.
Comfort in that scent—for each horrible memory was accompanied by the soft scent of lavender.
It went with me everywhere.
It reminded me that I could fix whatever was broken.
If I was hurt, I would heal—eventually.
Anytime I felt stressed I doused myself in lavender.
It was my nicotine.
I was addicted to the smell of comfort.
"Oh," I smiled as I handed him his coffee, "I'll have to go pick some up soon."
It was time to remind myself that all things heal with time.

Saba sat there
and posed herself
all ready for what
she didn't say

part of my job
she said
this posing
this being seen
as such

I gazed
like a man dazed

haven't you seen
a woman like this
before?

yes
I said
sure I have

then why
the wide eye gaze?
she said

I sat down opposite
hands on my knees
looking at her hair
at her eyes
the pose
do you do this often?
I said

only if he wants me to
she said
he'll be back
he's just gone
for a bite to eat

don't you eat too?

not yet
if I get out of pose
I lose my focus
she said

does he pay well?
I asked

this is art
she said
I get enough
but it's not the pay
that counts
it's being part
of art
it'll be me
on the canvas
me outliving him

I wanted a smoke
but I’d left them
in my coat downstairs
got a ciggie?
I asked

he doesn't allow
smoking
in his studio
she said
fire risk
oils
and other
stuff around

when do you get done?
I asked

when he says
she replied
not a nine
to five job

I gazed at her
with more focus
putting out of mind
the image of her
sitting in the church pew
with her husband
he all prim and proper
and she innocent as cream

she uncrossed
her legs
revealing
a young man's dream.