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Julia Jan 2013
& I give & I give
& I give & I give
& I give & I give
& I give & I give
& I give & I give
& I give & I give
Julia Jul 2014
A body
three times
every 7 years, they say.
Julia Mar 2013
She laughed & told me
life's not fair
& if there's anything that I learned
in school that week,
it was that

sometimes, the dunes
are not caressed by the ocean waves,
not kissed goodnight
in laps of foamy seas in high tides.

Some nights, the darkness
of the atmosphere is not illuminated,
not awakened by nature's nightlight
O, how the stars ache!

Sometimes, green-painted men
are shipped across oceans
like little plastic toys
to **** people they've never met.
"Life's not fair."
Julia May 2014
Is it wrong to miss you?

What if we both run
parrallel lines along
snowy walks--
legs stepping across
bleached streets like
soldiers in unison,
at the same time,
but still,
still parallel.
I learned in elementary school
that we can never ever
Written on a train
Julia Oct 2013
Perhaps it is the phenomenon
of being constantly,
perfectly out of reach that
keeps me going in the mornings
when there is no glow,
& the comfort of living within
my alotted skin has vanished.

Perhaps it is the season,
these months of leaves
that guides me,
Julia Jan 2014
& then it begins;
the first moment,
the second moment,
the first & second
series of moments
where there is beauty
outside of you
& it is so very unreal
that even the sun
seems to shine brighter
in places where you
are not.
Building bridges.
Julia Nov 2012
I wish I ran
 until I could run no longer
until I was a starved little muscle
& everyone wanted
my picture
Julia Dec 2012
I will wake up Saturday morning
& take a deep breath,
for the world will
be here.

& if it isn't, you can tell me *I told you so.
Julia Mar 2013
You were the yellow brick road
& you thought it was grand.

All I saw were the people,
all the people walking all over you.

But you said "Look how shiny
I am, and how everybody loves
me, I'm golden like the sun, like gold,
Julia, like your hair.

So I stopped trying to make you
feel their footsteps, and I left.

I walked on the dirt alongside of you,
so that you knew I was always be there.

I walked on the ****** dirt
that nobody gave a thought to.
& it seemed strangely happy that way.
Julia Aug 2013
post mirrors
everywhere so you
can be sure to see me out in

the open

in the closed   , at any angle
I am observed
      close in your eyes

     you see
I am   e       x   p     o  s    e  d
I have  no
secrets    my doors are

open &    what's to see but
complete & total emptiness?

sleep I'm falling it's
funny how we
fall into the mindless;
sleep ,    love .
we walk through doors    we run
on tracks ,    but we
        into the overwhelming pleasures

Julia Dec 2012
I want
to be
Julia Jan 2013
s                                                           y
u                                                                 o
r                                 O                                u
r                               \ | /                                r
o                                 |                                 s
u                            /\                           e
n                                                   l
   d                                        f  
with your own warm water,

emerged. never experience

fresh air
Julia Feb 2013
Should I allow myself
to be flushed down,
deep into the abyss of your misery?
I once went for a stroll in the
garden of faces, all smiling at me;
it was there that I picked you,
removed the ingrown thorns,
& in my hands you bloomed.
Is it fair that I expect such a blossom
to last that many years
with all its healthy petals?
Julia Dec 2012
All of these beautiful people
need to stop revolving around
the scale, she says,
a size 2 with
a waistline
that could cut up
titanium, oh so razor
sharp & perfect, as if
her petite frame was
not enough. Tell me
what she could
know about
a scale
Hypocrite by nature
Julia Jun 2013
Look there in the field--
a funeral march for the lost desires,
a waltz for the mourning.
Can you see them?
The bald, wasted wishes
dancing high above the heads
of the grass,
in the wind,
quivering with sadness.
Julia Feb 2013
Show me pretty eyes,
and I will show you deception
Julia Oct 2015
desperate air
& every piece of body,
named on countless charts
in countless schoolroom closets
but only felt to me
in shimmers of springs
& soft running steps
on moss & oak leaves,
trembles & thrives in the space
between roots.
I feel it when there is wind
in the valley of the small of
the back of the adolescent cedar,
& unpolished beetles play me
twilight nocturnes in hopes
that I will break out of
silk fetters into the
dense of August to be
no one but myself.
Julia Mar 2014
You ask me what I feel & think
(because the two are distinctly their own)
about the utter absurdity
& pointlessness of life

& out the windows cars go by
& up in space meteors fly
& sitting in this vinyl booth is me;
not alive long enough to know,
but who was seen many injustices--
yet knowing not a thing to do about them,
looks to those next to me,
who have only seen worse.

I do not know why the universe keeps expanding
or why my professor gives Monday exams
or why my poems are all the same
or why people in my life keep leaving
(or why I keep pushing them out?)--
messages marked "read" with no
response or
or reason or

Maybe the point is that
there is no point
Julia Jan 2014

God is the shapes
on my ceiling.
He is the sliver of light
filtered through my window.

God is the thirty-inch space
between roof & fallen branch.
He is the kiss of dew drops
& the breeze on my neck.

God is the flame
of discipline.
He is the declaration
of saddened exile.

God is goosebumps
that proclaim "I hear you!"
He is the rise &
the fall of empires.

God is the sky
which engulfs all
in loving despair.
Written in early 2013.
Julia Feb 2013
She fell in love with
the curtain he hung up
around himself;
with the gloss of
woven power.
She became deeply
infatuated with
the slippery silk
hunger of the facade,
obsessing over the
little lustful
Inspired by a conversation with my friend Will.
Julia May 2014
Affection blooms within the cracks
where the heart has
split into fertile vulnerability
& is quenched by showers of kindness,
patiently & selflessly.

I've grown a love for you;
take it gently & easily
& plant it within your emptiness;
grow for me,
Julia Jan 2013
& at that moment
I envied the samples
on the store counter
because they were
the ones that were
Julia Apr 2014
Flowers on the wreath
of the funeral home door;
beautiful to none
Julia Apr 2013
There is a ****,
a toxic bit of cancer,
in the garden of my soul

It wraps around
my dreams--
a python of the greenery

Raspy hisses that
the real world doesn't
work that way,

You have to hide your heart
your love, your all
you don't want that pain, do you?

No, I don't, I don't want
that at all, I say,
so I put down my *****

& I am Eve,
banished from the garden
but I do not feel a thing.
Julia Jan 2013
My eyes are welling up
the tightness in my chest
strikes pangs of restlessness

violent & shaking I'm trying to drown you,                              
I'm trying to **** every single ounce of desire for you                
for what I once had, I once had you all in cupped hands          
& like sand you poured out from between my fingers              
gaps I could not close, & nothing to do but watch you            
leave me for years                                                            ­            
        s                     l                      i                       p                          
Julia Jun 2014
Resign to me, give in.

let me live in the shakes of your
let me revel
in the trembles of
pupils dilating
fingers grasping

make eye contact

shiver deeply beneath me

let me
Julia Jan 2013
There is a certain luring
guilt in weakening
the strong.
Julia Mar 2013
You sent me
                                                    me                                  nt


f                               r    a           gm


of thoughts, wonders, bitter commentary,
shot like darts
in my direction,
& I caught every note
of your needs
& then you left,
& here I am,
left picking up
tiny paper airplanes
Julia May 2013
It's easy to fall in love with
pretty pictures of people,
plastic & proportioned.
I hide the inside with the
flaunt of my feathers, in
courtship of approval
hiding, hoping, hiding,
hoping, get lost in the
rainbows of my facade.
Julia Jan 2013
hospital walls
floors shiny squares
upon which death
white on white on white on white
beep the monitor
says blood cell counts
are all wrong,
they're all wrong too much
shine why does it all
shine so brightly

white on white
on white on
Julia Oct 2013
"Something along those lines, yes."
& that's just it, that's what I am--
something that can never quite walk the line;
shy-girl, watching-girl,
dancing around the main idea,
the true center of the words.
I am along the lines,
between the notes,
& you are the greatest symphony.
Julia Dec 2012
Stop drowning
my reality in
sappy little
Julia Nov 2013
A b s t r a c t

never ending
never starting

cannot be

what was ever
so true


Julia Dec 2012
Take away my treasures
sexless connections
no touch no guilt
no lies to our parents
when they ask where we've been.
I want to scream how could
you? But I know exactly
how you could
God you say

& who could argue with that?
who could argue
with God?
Julia Jan 2013
I've made graphs,
charts & labels
I've taken tests,
quizzes, solved
equations with
functions & facts
& limits & rules
& statistics
I've put commas
where commas
go, I've used
all of the laws
of punctuation

But I still don't know why it is that I am *me.
Julia Jul 2013
Do you ever think about
what it would be like
if you had died that night?

With bitter words,
I do.

Have you ever thought of
the one less name called
at graduation?

Of all the empty

An empty bed,
a disconnected phone number,
a fresh memory,
one less prom ticket,
one less twin,
one more grave.
In my own handwriting.
Julia Feb 2013
What does it mean when
ear-charming, dressed up
collections of sound
what a nation wants to hear
does not match the honest
desperation, heart screams
it isn't that way
of pleading eyes?
Julia Jun 2014
The difference between
those old mustard stains
and Jackson *******.
Julia Nov 2013
The world will not stop
spinning for me,
not ever.
The birds will not be
mute for me,
not a chance.

The only thing that will
stop for me
is a heartbeat--
for I am too
small of an amazement
for the traffic,
the rain.

Though, I do not
expect the world to
cease in the moment of
my passing,
my mysterious disappearance.
(an empty body,
an empty shell).

Being a part of this
world means being

Knowing you means that
I wish I could love you more,
perhaps differently.

Knowing you means that
I will finally know loss.

I will not cease to pause for you.
Julia Jul 2014
Below, blades are not
safe from snooping golden glares.
And at night, the moon.
Komorebi - Japanese word for when sunlight filters through the trees.
Julia May 2014
If we are all just for our own sake,
what conclusion could we ever come to?
What are we then,
how--what makes us so great
that even our mere existance is
the explanation of our presence;
each some sort of unique gift to the universe?
I, you, we are each a bundle of cells,
hormones, arguably a soul,
but definitely atoms in space--
space, which is both infinitely large
& infinitely small.

Instead of right or wrong,
we are diminished to foolish little snowflakes,
all dumbly in our own way, "human."
"Art for art's sake," we are all
paintings on the mantle:
abstract & upside-down,
but nobody can tell the difference.
Julia Jun 2013
I lay face down on the sheets
                           on the pillow
                    t   ng
                      a    led in blankets

breathing in every last bit of euphoria
   injecting it into my bloodstream
watching the insides of my eyelids
                                                     ­                                          PINK

s     ­        l
  w      r      i      g           around
       i            n
                                           until I can once again
feel the heat of your fireplace
  again in my heart
                                                     between my thighs
               the scent of you in my bed
is the scent of granted wishes
                     of guilty seduction,
                 reasons why we never leave the porch.

It is the call into the wild

         that sends the beaten, driven out

dreams tip-toeing out from behind

        the trees, the dark bars of reality
Julia Mar 2014
Maybe G-d
is in
the air?
I just keep
Julia Jun 2013
If every grain of sand

mattered much to us,

in our hearts,

then we would

know more what it is

to be G-d,

who loves us all,

every grain.
Julia Sep 2013
there are these days
where I spin like the Earth--
in a scientific destiny,
cosmic mystery--
whirling with some
astronomical cause that is
unbeknownst to me
Julia Jan 2013
a victim of post-modern culture
where people feel that
whatever they think is
right or feels right,
is right
Julia Sep 2013
Sometimes I wish I were
a marigold;
so faithful to the sun,
rising alongside you.
& dusk--close my petals
around the promise
of your return
& never have to sleep
alone again.
Marigold flower petals open with the sunrise & close with the sunset.

My handwriting:
Julia Mar 2014
If I never remember you,
how many times did we touch?

If there are no pictures,
where did we go together?

The past is the dust on
the dashboard of your car,
one speck for each moment
that is forgotten--
Did we ever happen?
Julia Apr 2013
float to me

lean on me

I will catch you

weak as the legs

I use to stand

may be,

lay it all on


& I will

requite your

trust with all

the love I have

ever had to

give, just call

I know

you need a

friend, & here

I am;

a stranger
Julia Apr 2013
.   \  /
.I struggle  ||  to find  
.  the words, any  ||  expression for
     the invisible  ||  moths that  
.    flutter  ||  within
                       .      me & whis-  ||  per emotions                      
.                   that I can  ||  never echo            
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