Feb 2018
I never knew what pain was
Until I felt the sting of withdrawal
That's the kind of hurt that can cause
The strongest toughest man to fall
That's why I would do anything
Just to taste another hit
That is the biggest reason why
It's impossible to quit
I know that it's pure evil
It's poison but it brings me peace
Causes so many problems
But **** I love that sweet release
I spend all the money I have
On a vice that I despise
This love-hate relationship
Will surely be my demise
Too broke to go to rehab
Or support this habit
If I knew what would help
I would reach out and grab it
I become lost and hopeless
I want so badly to heal
But I'm always trapped by
This sickness that I feel
I used to look into mirrors
And see a smile there
Hating my reflection has
Replaced my smile with a glare
Is there any way to change?
Or is it already too late?
The worst part of this gutter?
I created my own fate
If I could go back in time
And do things right instead of wrong
I would never let this
Awful drug string me along
******, you've got me
Im addicted, bound to your high
But I swear I am trying with
all my strength to say goodbye
Until I felt the sting of withdrawal
That's the kind of hurt that can cause
The strongest toughest man to fall
That's why I would do anything
Just to taste another hit
That is the biggest reason why
It's impossible to quit
I know that it's pure evil
It's poison but it brings me peace
Causes so many problems
But **** I love that sweet release
I spend all the money I have
On a vice that I despise
This love-hate relationship
Will surely be my demise
Too broke to go to rehab
Or support this habit
If I knew what would help
I would reach out and grab it
I become lost and hopeless
I want so badly to heal
But I'm always trapped by
This sickness that I feel
I used to look into mirrors
And see a smile there
Hating my reflection has
Replaced my smile with a glare
Is there any way to change?
Or is it already too late?
The worst part of this gutter?
I created my own fate
If I could go back in time
And do things right instead of wrong
I would never let this
Awful drug string me along
******, you've got me
Im addicted, bound to your high
But I swear I am trying with
all my strength to say goodbye
This was written 1/14/17 over a year ago but reading it takes me back to the way I felt when I wrote it. I remember exactly how trapped and powerless I felt, not even recognizing the person staring back from the mirror, not caring about myself enough to look after my body, whether I lived or died didn't matter at all, I was just going through each day barely hanging on to the few threads of goodness I had left in my life. I am so much happier now and reading this makes me even more confident in my decision to never touch that disgusting poison again. This is my motivation. I don't ever want to be that girl again, I was a hollow empty shell of the real person I have now become and I have so many things that are fulfilling in ways that drugs will never be!
