When you left me My heart imploded and It felt like I died
But I was still breathing And each breathe tasted like smoke From the fire you lit inside me
I loved you and felt more In my emotions and my body Than I think I ever will again
The hot mix of love and anger coursed through my veins While the cold sting of forgiveness and emptiness filled my lungs And it left me a freezing, burning mess of confusion and contentment
You were awful to me most days I cried myself to sleep to your silence But if you were nice the next morning I rejoiced and felt happy again
Now I am rotting inside Because what I feel for these women Is not what I felt for you
I feel empty vibrations in the caverns of my chest I hear depressing gongs in my ears as they tell me they love me I feel nothing when I say it back
This guilt is a vine that grows throughout my body It begins in my lungs and steals my breath away And it forces my limbs to act without emotion
I am cursed with genes that promote impulsivity and high emotionality And by a past muddied with traumatic events that still hinder my existence And by my own choices that have led me to hurt so many innocent people In my quest to find myself
I am so broken and I don't want pity I just want to understand why I ruin every good thing that enters my life
Every day I have to maneuver between reality and what's in my head I cannot determine if what I feel is real or if it's just the result of years of repression All I know is that my rotting insides are overgrown with vines that keep me moving Even though I just want to die.