I don’t know if I’m capable of love.

I’ve had too many people use me,
Shy away from me.
I’ve decided if I’m too much,
If I have to sacrifice part of myself to be with someone,
Then I don’t want love, or anything of the kind.

So this isn’t love.
There is nothing romantic about it,
But there is just something about him.

The features of myself I used to hate,
I’ve come to cherish.
There’s a cold, distant expression that warps my face.
What used to be forest, spring green eyes,
Are now eyes laced with a sickly, threatening, green poison.
It wards people off,
Keeps them away.
I always wished for a warm, open face,
But now I embrace the icy sheen that takes over my gaze.

He does not heed my warnings.
I’ve caught him looking my way,
It’s not like I’ve never caught people looking at me before,
They look at me with shy curiosity.
They want to know me better,
I see it in their eyes,
But it’s just for their own personal gain.
They just want me because they think If I accept them,
They’ll finally be complete.
I’m the missing piece.
It’s disgusting.

His eyes though,
They don’t say that.
His eyes are unlike anyone’s I’ve seen before.

There is a blue depth to them.
Not quite like the ocean,
But not quite like the sky either.
I can’t quite put a name to the color,
But they would have to be somewhere between ice blue,
And the blue of the sky on a warm day in the summer,
On a beach,
Far, far away.

His look is a quiet challenge,
Like he knows my ways.
Knows the façade that is the cold, warning look,
That spreads across my face,

And he ignores it.
Presenting a calm, but firm challenge of his own.
When our eyes meet,
He does not look away.

Others will look away out of fear,
Fear that I am judging them,
Fear that I can see right through them,
But he meets my eye,
And challenges me to break our gaze.
I look away every time.

Who is this boy,
With blonde hair,
The color of sand on distant islands.
Who is this boy,
With sunkissed skin,
And a body that’s seen the gym at least a couple times.

Who is this boy,
Who dares to challenge me?
After all I’ve done,
To build my walls,
And keep people out.
Who is this boy,
Who ignores them, and walks right in?

I don’t know.
I don’t even know his name.
But it has been a long time,
Since I’ve felt a stirring of interest,
A curiosity in someone else,
That goes beyond just keeping them away.

I don’t know who he is,
Or what he wants,
But he’s given me hope.
Hope for someone like me,
Someone who’s seen war trenches of their own,
Who still secretly hopes for someone.
Not someone to bring them out,
But to appreciate the scars that have accumulated,
And the battle that will never be forgotten,
In the deep, dark recesses of my mind.