i sat outside for a long time
and contemplated suicide
i smoked cigarette after cigarette
growing frustrated as i reached the end of my pack
i took drink after drink, unaware of the heaviness my head was causing me
i was already hazy, so i didn't notice the tears that were blinding me
i thought of how many people would attend my funeral
i pondered if i should even leave a note
i wondered desperately how many people loved me
i grew more anxious when i realized there was none
i passed out outside, under the moon and star light
i knew that by now i was so drunk that i could end it without a second thought
yet in the morning, i awoke still alive
i often wonder why i want to die
i wonder why i haven't done it by now
i wonder -
what a life,
always thinking of suicide