her skin opened at the cut
like her lips opened at the hurt.

she cried out into the night when he left 

but when the blood began to drip,
she weeped no more.

The fragments of blood and tears litter the floor.
A small pile of hair and human beside it.
A girl once strong- no not anymore.
The fire that once sparked her heart no longer lit.
It was almost a dream that had once come true,
But none of it seemed real anymore.
Broken promises and lies of the things we do-
In that little pile of debris was where her spirit tore.

you were never supposed to hurt this much
they said love would be good for me
for the both of us.

you were supposed to be the breeze in my face as I strolled along the simple shores
not the tiny coarse grains of sand I didn't notice stinging my eyes
or the persistent wave constantly knocking me over
as I tried to savour the sea.
you were going to be the cool wind on a hot summer's day
not the heavy storm that drowned my garden
and the dark cloud obstructing the sun's light so my flowers were never allowed to bloom again.

you were pain
and your grip was endless
why did I think you could heal when you were the cause?

i'm desperately longing for the way things used to be
when you were you and i were me.

you are beautiful,
but in the way that scares me-
like the end of a cigarette.
beautiful ashes that disperse in the wind
but warm to the touch
and causes scars when pressed against skin.
it's eerie to think
that the smoke surrounding you
and getting between your clothes and tangled mess of hair and face
is slowly rotting you on the inside,
eventually killing you.

(do you see what you're doing to me, scarlet?)

you are stunning,
like the moon on a stormy night.
you stand out amongst the dark clouds and lightning strikes
but do nothing to stop the thunderous booms
and heavy rain pelting down upon me.
you simply watch; serene and illuminated,
you watch
me
suffer.

but you are dark
not the mysterious darkness of a newly discovered cave
or dingy attic begging to be explored,
but a darkness that has become familiar to me
the gloominess of a soul
the dimming of a heart-
you've put out every light of hope and belief
I've ever known
and you've ignited the fire that holds no luminescence,
only the ability to burn and smoke
the fire of pain; your fire.

and it is (you are) corroding me.

you were the summer's heat
and you kept me up all night
wetting my sheets with sweat and blood and tears.
you were the winter's icy wind
and you blew down my door
and got between my breath
and underneath my clothes;
making me shiver and struggle to breathe or keep warm.
you were the fall's leaves,
making my trees rain and the sky weep
and everything grew brown and withered and died.

but then you were the spring-
(where the flowers bloomed and the birds sang and things grew again and the sun shined again and the wind blew again)
and you made it all worth it, again.

I don't think you get how difficult this is for me. Do you?

At home, I can never be alone, always around my family because they are convinced I am a danger to myself and they have to keep constant watch over me. It's more like I'm trapped. I do not feel cared for, or loved (even though they do) but it feels like a prison where privacy and solitude no longer exist.

On campus, I cannot be myself. This writer, poet, loner, silent girl who only speaks to people who seem decent or whom initiates a conversation because she is too scared to do it herself. This insecure girl who must now change to acquire friendship, company. She only wants to be liked, accepted, and to belong. **** on Wednesday, clubbing, flings, shisha. I do not understand why it takes so much to have a friend that would stay. I smoke, and that would be the limit, but my loneliness begs for so much more.

In public, I want to just shout out who I am and who I could really be. I want to walk up to strangers and spark up a conversation of similar interest. Ask how they're doing, or if their family is well. Let them know I could be their friend and allow them to cry on my shoulder about the trauma they've been through. But I cannot. No one smiles when I smile at them, they only walk faster and turn their heads away. Why is it that simple acts of kindness or just friendliness can be such a disgusting and rare thing?

When I'm alone, I can be myself. I can cry and shout and sing and write and dance and do stupid things. I can smoke and laugh and scribble and put on make-up and take selfies while no one's watching. I can be at my worst, and I can be my best when I'm alone. It's a blessing and a curse but it's solitude which I treasure so much.

It's funny how much I crave companionship; a friend, a partner, a love interest. Yet, I wish to be alone. Why is that?

you've held my hand and whispered against my cheeks
and though the dying wind may have bitten his last icy bite against the corner of my eyes
i no longer fear
anything

as long as i am
                           with you

"She was a little bird
Seemingly free from her cage
Of pain and mutilation."*

But they held her down,
Trapping her in her past.
They plucked her feathers out
One by one and bit by bit,
Until her wings were
Sorry excuses
And ****** stumps.
They reached her hands down her throat
And pulled out her voice:
The one she used to sing
Her sorrowful songs
And happy chirps with.
They took apart her torso
To reveal a beating ****** heart,
And they tore it to shreds
Leaving only icicles in place
Where it hurt to feel.
They reached to her face
And pulled out her longing eyes
Once big and beautiful
And left small black marbles in their place,
Allowing her to only see the beautiful world
As a monotonous void of has-beens.
They cut off her legs
The ones she used to dance and to run
And left behind twigs
Which left her unstable and wobbly;
Incapable and useless like a newborn without purpose.
They extracted her brain from her skull
Pulling out thoughts and dreams and imagination,
Forcing in demons and terrors
To keep her company during her lonely nights.

But then,
They tried to cut off her soul.
And they wrestled and fought,
They ****** and twisted,
But nothing budged.
It was as if
It was never there in the first place.
What they never knew
Was that a soul,
Being merely an embodiment of this little bird,
Contained barely a whisper of a being
Yet,
Was able to make or break the very core
Of one who could no longer feel.

Little did they know
As they tore her apart limb from limb
And took away everything she had ever known,
The very light which gave breath to her
Stopped
Shining
And left her.

Just like everybody else.

my mind has been an empty chasm of forgotten words
i was a writer who can no longer write
a storyteller with no stories to tell
an artist with dried up paint and a broken easel
but

i forget that
i am also a person
a broken, timid person
once whole, once sure, once loved,
once
          me.

you've churned me into vulnerability
and all i'm inclined to do
is to thank you
for breaking me and bending me
into a mould i can no longer break out of
thus,
compelling me to look to you
as my source of life
love
and happiness.

i am,
and always will be,
unconditionally yours.

put out a cigarette on my tongue

and burn away the words

of yesterday.

there is a struggle in all our hearts
there is a fight in all of us
there are strangers in our closet
and skeletons instead walk among us.
we are the beaten and the broken,
the weakened and worn (out).
but we still have two fists
and two shaky legs
and a barely beating heart.
and that's enough for a lifetime.

the letter on my doorstep I never wished to open,
the word unwritten and the picture unspoken,
the breeze despised and the heat adored,
or the deepest jungles left unexplored,
were you,
the twisted note birds left unsung
or the race that no one really won?
were you
the broken seal of a very old book
or a blown out candle
(because a breath was all it took)

*you were so many things I just couldn't see
there were so many you's
but only one of me.

Listen to her heart
Fluttering.
Watch how his lips are
Stuttering.
Their palms are enclosed into
Fists.
Their bodies shrouded in heavy
Mist.
A clock chimes somewhere
Far.
This is them, at their weakest state;
*This is who they are.

Will you reach for the stars
When you're still on the ground?
Will you keep dancing
When you no longer hear sound?
Will you still love
Though your spirit is torn?
Will you still smile
When you're sad and forlorn?

*You were made to reach for stars
You cannot see,
Made to keep dancing
Though a dancer you'll never be.
Designed to love
When all hope is lost,
And to smile
Even with a heart full of frost.

It feels as if
What matters in my head
No longer matters
As soon as I hear your voice.
The love you engulf my heart in,
Allow my heartaches
And tortured soul
To relax in the open
Of your arms.
And when your eyes meet mine,
It's as if the whole world stops
And time freezes into a frame
That is ours and only ours.
Let us relive each moment
Together.
Forever.

you break me
and crush me
between your fingers
squeezing the life out of me
until I falter and give in.
like a soft pill that was once hard
but diluted by water
i am molded by your fingertips
the ones that once held me lovingly,
but now pulverize me,
letting the crumbs of my past
filter through your grip
and onto the ground
where I continue to be tread upon
by you and everyone i've ever fallen for.

love is a marathon
and I just can't
                           keep
                                     up.

you were a whirlwind;
& I got dizzy trying to keep up.
but the dust (you stirred) has finally settled;
& you are nowhere to be seen.
bits of you thicken the air, leaving tears
to continue stinging in my eyes
I was unwilling and I am alone.

I guess you were never meant to stay.