some knots are bound so tight
it can take a lifetime to undo
but each one a reminder
how you tied yourself up
just to get through.

Lawrence Hall
Mhall46184@aol.com
Dispatches for the Colonial Office


                                           Died While Trying

                                  (prompted by an idea by Nagi)


                     “Every day you play with the light of the universe”

                                                 -Neruda

          
The glory of killing an old man already dying
Is heralded by the clinking of colorful medals
As a president is helped into his Mercedes
By white-gloved lieutenants wearing golden aiguilettes

The old man dying in his bed was a challenge to evil
Through the love-letters of freedom he wrote to the world
Ambassadors of hope that could not be recalled
Just as a subtle injection cannot be withdrawn

A flowering of ideas in verses freely exchanged
Crushed beneath boots polished by frightened houseboys

Someday I’ll finish unpacking.
It’s going to take time, though—
I have too many memories.

terror turns my legs to stone

I can't move, and I'm afraid to think
because if I think, I'll see
and if I see, I'll know
and the terror will grow
- what does this mean?

my legs sink through the floor
while tears melt into a face
which has bled all its color
and the face belongs to me

as the terror grows
my eyes do, too
to get a better view of my life
which is flashing before them

every memory

in a matter of seconds

and I'm left smiling

despite the slowly growing realization

of what lies in front of me

- what does this mean?

and my smile disappears as quickly as it came,
because I realize why my forgotten moments are
whipping through my mind
at a breakneck speed
and that is because my subconscious has registered
before I can think it:
I am face to face with death

the terror turns two-fold:
I'm afraid of what I'm looking at
and fearful of what caused it
am I in danger, too?

for a moment I mouth soundless words
looking for what to say
- what does this mean?

and once again my subconscious overrules me

I feel it in my toes
it bubbles up
through my stomach,
and I am startled by the horrific, primal sound
that escapes my throat

my heart and mind are at odds with each other
to protect myself in the present,
while trying to salvage what remains of my future
trying to piece together what this means

have you ever experienced
a soul-level rupture?