ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

and i guess i'm just asking,
if all the things you said to yourself, appeared on your body,
would you still be beautiful?

BUT NOBODY TOLD ME THE FUNERAL NEVER ENDS.

IT'S BEEN ELEVEN YEARS NOW, AND THE CASKET'S STILL LOWERING.

*"LEAVE ME HERE MOM. LEAVE ME HERE. I'M DEAD TOO."

Shards of memory
still draw blood,
razor sharp reminders
of another life,
when you loved me
and I loved you.
I could sense gravity on my skin then,
hear the color flush into the blooms,
anticipate the grasshopper's solo
before its first note–
but that was back when
you loved me
and I loved you.

I'll admit
I never meant
To love you

But you were
The drug that
I tried once
And couldn't kick

I got addicted
To your soul
And the way
It brushes up
Against mine

I now crave
To inhale your
Entire being
And get the buzz
I've desired
For so long

But you admitted
You never loved me
And now I'm suffering

*Withdrawal

the royal blue sky
said
today i am alive
soothe her soul
with
pink cotton candy clouds
thus
made a wind parade
to ease her soul
then
she said out loud
i can feel it
in the air
today i am alive

Having feelings for me,
Is like jumping into a pit of poison.
The only way to survive,
Is if you have the antidote.
But for you, I want to strive,
Because you are my antidote.